How to Be a Dad

How to Be a Dad

The Great Toilet Paper Debate


The COVID-19 pandemic has resulted in societal hoarding which has catapulted the value of toilet paper up to that of gold or platinum or beef jerky. So! I thought it might be advisable for us all to squat down and take a long, hard… LOOK at a timeless controversy surrounding this now treasured commodity, bum wipe.

Long ago, the website Current Configuration put together a critical but even-handed examination of the RIGHT and the WRONG way to load toilet paper.

The Scientific Analysis

Toilet paper has a natural curve, a way of being that lends itself to certain orientations on the toilet paper spool. If handled with skill and knowledge, it can provide an abundance of both sanitation and comfort, quilted together in each square of pillowy ply. If handled with clumsy ignorance, or worse, carelessness, it will beset the user with pain, filth, and frustration.

Below are examples of the helpful and fruitful over-hung method on the left and the annoying and detrimental under-hung method on the right.

Notice the dramatic difference in the amount of visible toilet paper. Ironically, it is the over-hung toilet paper that has both the most visible free sheetage and the least amount of sheetage free from the roll to do it. Now, this may not seem like a big deal on its own, but in these extra sheets lies your undoing. Observe.

We here at Current Configuration, for the purposes of ease and expediency, do the one-handed tear (okay, really, it’s just me, but bear with me, er, us). The one-handed tear is a quick maneuver that takes advantage of the perforated squares, allowing your bundle of toilet paper to be liberated with one quick swipe of the arm. This is the foundation of bathroom ease, the cottony bedrock on which enjoyment rests in the restrooms of many nations.

The one-handed tear relies on a quick and forceful motion directed either away from or towards the tear-er. The forces applied in this motion are great and, like the atom, are not to be trifled with. The natural curve of the over-hung method allows the roll to stand fast after a one-handed tear, but the under-hung method creates a calamitous tendency in the roll. This tendency can only lead to this:

From the Creator

In addition to the very compelling scientific analysis above, I present you with >drum roll< the original 1891 patent for the toilet paper roll!

Now some of you may try to counter this, at the risk of combining controversies, by saying this means nothing, citing that the original creator of the .GIF file format proclaimed it was intended to be pronounced “jif” which is, of course, gust joofy.

Brace for Cat Owners!

Shields up, red alert! I saw you coming and I know you’re about to comment that cat owners have to under-hang your rump rolls because your feline will bat at it until it looks like Frosty the Snowman

Let me present some evidences:

Over-hung toilet paper roll
Under-hung toilet paper roll
Um… does it even matter?

Yes, some of you may be the exception, but it’s not a universally true rule: that under-hanging is right for cat owners. You see, if your cat is a serial tushy tissue killer, I’m afraid the only way you can properly hang a roll is in a lock box or security cage.

Stay healthy and stay over-hung, morning hungover, folks!*
*except for you owners of over-hung TP assassins

Stay Fed Through the Quarantine

If you’re experiencing devastated grocery stores like I am, with little to no meat left, you might want to check out Butcher Box. I absolutely love it and just ordered another box.

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