How to Be a Dad

How to Be a Dad

Fashion Felonies: Jeans Edition

Posted by , under NOTEBOOK, SNAPSHOTS

Every generation experiences a gaping canyon of a cultural divide with the younger crop of humans: FASHION.

Admittedly, I’m no fashionista (afashionado?), but having no great style oneself never prevented anyone from being the fashion police, judge and jury for new trends. Even as a kid, I proclaimed the “alternative” (wrong) angles for wearing a baseball cap as officially idiotic, and I always wondered who (other than people who adore ramen noodles) thought crimped hair was attractive.

But how do you eff up good ol’ jeans??? You’re about to see, my poor friend! Okay. So no, these are not all popular jean styles or trends per se. This is a collection of jean mutations for us to shake our collective heads at, that they even exist and are available for purchase!

Let’s start off moderately weird and descend into denim-clad bat sh*t craziness.

1) Distressed Jeans

I thought we were done with this bullsh*t, but nooOooOooo, these zombie jeans have risen from the dead. Old news sure, but at least this clip gives an uncommon insight into how technology is laser-blasting on the ridiculous markup of what would normally be just jeans.


2) Joots

Jorts? Jeggings? I guess we should have seen joots coming. I guess.


3) Jandals

Alright. No one has to feel bad that they didn’t see these toe-tethered travesties coming. Together, we can all just feel bad that they exist.


4) Convertible Jorts

For over $400, a pair of convertible jeans better transform into something rad like a hammock or a parachute. Not the opposite of rad, like jorts. Especially these weird ass, Cirque du So-lame looking things.


5) Clear Knee Jeans

Because so many women are dying to show off their best asset: their knees? Don’t worry though, if you have cankles, you can also showcase them with a capri cut.


6) Faux Mud Jeans

The jean madness doesn’t have to be limited to insane women. Insane men can now (for only $425!) look like they just chased down a hog or dealt with a massive, prune-induced diaper blowout. People, these things are available at Nordstrom. Haha!


7) Clear Jeans

In some parts of the world, you have to call ice cream “frozen dessert” if it doesn’t have enough dairy to qualify, so, at what level of denim deficiency do we stop calling this kind of um… clothing?… a pair of jeans?


8) Bikini Jeans

If you always wanted a tramp stamp but don’t want to get tattooed, just pull on a pair of these tight jeans with a built-in whale tale.


At this point I’m beginning to wonder what the hell jeans ever did to the human race to deserve this.

9) Garter Belt Jeans

Well okay there. I’m just… I just don’t even know what to say. This does make me wonder if there are jean corsets. Oh god, there probably are.


10) Thong Jeans

If bikini jeans weren’t revealing or hobo chic enough for you, well you’re in luck! I’m not sure if talc or lube would be the way to go for the ride-up on these rough mamajamas. It’s honestly difficult to get past the idea that anyone would wear these.


11) Jongs

Here we’ve now abandoned all pretense at these things being a pair of jeans, or even a quarter of jeans. No more kidding that these aren’t completely slutty, ethier.


Let’s just hope that denim pasties (jasties?) or jean g-strings (j-strings?) don’t ever become a thing. Please, dear Future, don’t let them become a thing! PLEASE!


2 Responses to “Fashion Felonies: Jeans Edition”

  1. Andy says:


  2. Coby Burns says:

    Your poor eyes

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