How to Be a Dad

How to Be a Dad

My Kid Just Said… #64

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I like to think of words as ingredients in a sentence or statement. You’ve got your fast-food m’kay’s and Idunno’s, and you’ve got your everyday meals of chit chat, and there’s also the more elaborate culinary creations of deep philosophic discussions and funny stories.

Sometimes, though, I like to whip up something a bit spicy. And by sometimes, I of course mean often and VERY spicy. Especially when some blind @&$hole cuts me off on the road, the reckless mother%#$&er!

Alas, I know that part of my masquerade as an adult and a responsible parent requires me to, when in the presence of my kid or other little folk, avoid jalapeño pepper words like, idiot and douchebag, and most definitely the habanero pepper words like, $h!# and f&@%.

I never knew how many choked off Fffffs I’d sputter once I had kids. The eye-wateringly hot words either get hastily beaten down on my tongue before they can leave my mouth and become weird animal sounds like Chewbecca trying to speed rap, or they get hastily strangled into the deformed balloon animals of safer words like or shiiiii-amalamadingdong. And, sometimes I’m able to catch a curse ahead of time enough for me to nerf them into a word like shazam or friggin’ or dang.

Needless to say, between me paying my son for swearing slip-ups and bribing him to try new foods, he should have no problem paying for college upfront.

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Kids say the weirdest things.


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