Job Title: Parent (Mother / Father)
Department: Human Development
Hours & Schedule: 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, 365 days a year
Job Description Updated: Hourly
The care and feeding of a miniature human. Backbreaking and mind-numbing manual, mental and emotional labor. Keeping your cool under pressure, exhaustion, overload, self-doubt, judgement and direct opposition from your child that varies between stubbornness and total bat sh*t insanity.
Duties & Responsibilities
• Constant nerve-racking alertness to and protection from potential dangers to the child (including self-destructive dangers to themselves).
• Preparation and re-preparation of food that isn’t deemed “yucky” by the child’s roulette wheel of an appetite. This includes food sharing and management of heartbreaking amounts of leftovers.
• Bodily fluid and mess sanitation, comparable to the management of a critically malfunctioning sewage treatment plant.
• Repurposing your body as a human cradle, pillow, meat shield, napkin, punching bag, pack mule, etc.
• Maintenance of your mental stability and the development extra-sensory psychic powers; you must learn to both predict the future as well read your child’s erratic and illogical mind.
• Purchasing everything, such as new goods or services and never-ending supplies for their upkeep; creams, batteries, wipes, etc. This also includes the replacement of all broken, un-cleanable or lost items.
• Administration of life; including scheduling activities, planning awkward playdates, creating hundreds of reminders, counting to 3, remembering what year it is, etc. Basically everything. Every single friggin’ thing.
• Management and production of laughter, as in making your child laugh, not laughing yourself when it’s inappropriate, and just laughing as frequently as possible … especially when times are really, really tough.
Desired Skills & Experience
Several years of experience in the following fields is highly recommended:
- • Nanny
• Short-Order Cook
• Waiter / Waitress
• Doctor / Nurse
• Maid / Janitor
• Chauffeur / Delivery Driver
• Business / Hostage Negotiator
• Wild Animal Tamer
While you’re only answerable to the laws of your region, you’ll be responsible for all decision-making and consequences, but you’ll receive ample daily feedback on your performance from family, friends, other parents, and even complete strangers without children.
Sick Days & Time Off
Firstly, hahahahahahaha! Secondly, you’ll need to employ the services of family or sitters for very short breaks from your duties.
Memories, pebbles and sticks, abstract artwork, germs, laughter, tears, pride, joy, and above all, love so great that you cannot comprehend it until you experience it. Also farts.