She was watching Jimmy Fallon clips on YouTube one night, and immediately texted me about deforesting my face.

I won’t call my wife a germophobe… because she’ll probably read this, so let’s just say she’s… incredibly hygiene-friendly. So, her horrified reaction at seeing something about poop-infused facial hair was no shocker. I promised her I wasn’t using my jaw fur to wipe my ass, or the dog’s, and urged her to put it out of her mind and write it off to internet sensationalism.

It could just be me, but I think I’ve been catching her still looking at my beard suspiciously when we’re talking. It makes me want to scrub a hand through my whiskers and say, “Arrrrrrrrr. I sees ye be admirin’ m’beard again.” I’d even top it with a mischievous wink, of course. She really didn’t like the first Captain Shitbeard joke I made, though.

ABOUT THE VIDEO

The video she sent to me has since been made private, but it was a clip from The Tonight Show with Jimmy Fallon where he tests the beard of Will Forte (Last Man on Earth) for poop contamination. I guess he wasn’t too happy about the video going viral. Or bacterial.

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