Diners, Dives & Dribble
Recently, a story hit the news cycle and stirred up a ton of debate online about a certain diner in downtown Portland, and its cheerfully enraged owner, Darla Neugebauer. The debate, at its core, centers around etiquette and proper table manners, which is obviously the most important issue, both foreign or domestic, that could be undertaken at this very moment in our history.
She looks like a perfectly reasonable communicator to me.The irate diner owner apparently let a 2-year-old have it (because obviously), when she wouldn’t shut up about crying and stuff. The incident began because the child had been upset for over 40 minutes, and despite several attempts at consolation, just wouldn’t chillax. Silly, child! Darla felt it prudent to ‘use her angry words’ and scream like a tantrum-throwing child AT the toddler to get her to be quiet, which, in clinical studies, has been proven to be the most effective and thoughtful course of action. Nothing says “calm down” like a raging adult losing their shit.
There hasn’t been a fight about table manners this contentious since The Great Fork Debate of 1987. A lot of food was lost in that fight. But if one thing is clear, it’s that a lot of people are on her side. Many internet citizens have come to her defense to explain that kids are much whinier than they’ve ever been and all they need is some proper discipline. True dat, Netizens. In my day, my single mother smacked me with a belt and my dad wasn’t even around. How’s that for tough love?
In reviewing the story on social media channels, I witnessed firsthand many commenters ardently explain how their children would “never act like that in public” because they’re obviously so much better than the rest of us who’ve dealt with upset children in public places. Accusations from both sides of this parenting discussion have weighed in with opinions, which is just so much fun, and neither are listening to each. It’s like internet Christmas!
Viggo the Magnificent: Patron Saint of Marcy’s Diner.What’s plain to see is that Darla was obviously in the right. It’s her diner, and her duty to protect the eyes and ears of her patient customers from the horrible abuses inflicted by breeders and their lowly, feral children. She did such a superlative job protecting them, in fact, that she took to her Facebook page with so many cuss words, and horrible grammar mistakes, I thought I might’ve written the Facebook post myself.
Alas, she did write it, and continues to defy requests for apologies. Why would she apologize? Slamming your hands, screaming and pointing at a child is practically in the Dr. Sears books on raising kids, last I checked. Who cares if it was pouring torrential rain outside, making it difficult for the family to leave when they just wanted some crappy-at-best pancakes. Besides, 2-year-olds are practically of legal age to work in this country, and can stand up middle-aged grownups. I’ve seen them. They can handle themselves. Apparently, United Artists is remaking “Road House” with a toddler instead of Patrick Swayze. They know kung-fu and shit.
And here I was thinking Portland (Maine) was full of bearded hipster-hippies wearing flannel and talking about obscure banjo music like the other Portland. Little did I know that angry children can be any age, and two wrongs do make a right.
But if we delete all the Facebook posts, and never apologize, all will be right in the world. Amen. Here’s what the mother of the child had to say for herself…
Drew says: 
Another Dad 
Louise Hetherington 
Julia 
Fred Seaman 
