How to Be a Dad

How to Be a Dad

Exposure To & Improper Use of Kid Slang May Result in Brain Damage

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People are so concerned that they can't even that they never stopped to ask if they shouldn't even

Even if we haven’t said them ourselves as parents, we’ve all seen it happen, or know of a horrific story or twelve. Some of us can barely stand hearing them and have vowed solemn oaths to never say them.

I’m talking about the slang words kids use today. And that gruesome moment when a mom’s or dad’s judgement takes an insane-cation and they try inflicting them upon other people.

Some people groan as if in actual pain. Some protest or demand for it to never happen again, presenting hastily written promissory notes for immediate signing. And some can only stand there helplessly, like deer caught in the high beams of a rapid and recklessly oncoming awkwardness.

It’s not just awful when adults and parents do this, it’s UNLAWFUL. In a very sort of real way, it’s a cruel violation of the timeless, unspoken Rule of Generations that older people are not allowed to utter the new, cool words kids use.

Aside from the cultural illegality of oldies dropping lingo, these vocabulastic mutations often get used torturously wrong or, let’s face it, the words and expressions themselves are just amaaaaaazingly dumb all on their lonesome.

Bae slanguage funny

bea n. A completely unnecessary shortening of “babe” or acronym for “before anyone else.”

Any word that makes you sound like you just had 6 shots of novocain or you’re hiding a hamster in your mouth is a word that anyone with the gift of speech should immediately return to the store they got it from.

Swag slanguage funny

swag n. v. adj. adv. exclamation Basically means “cool”, coolness, do cool things, or cooly.

The positives of slang are constantly evolving. Keen, groovy, radical, awesome, and now swag. It has all the versatility of the F-word, but none of its charm.

YOLO slanguage funny

YOLO exclamation Acronym for “you only live once” and battle cry for Darwin Award competitors.

Fortunately this one is fading out. The logic of YOLO is a bit like people stranded in the desert saying, “let’s chug the last of our water!” Also, it makes you sound like a damn Teletubbie.

On fleek slanguage funny

on fleek adj. When something is looking perfect. Or something.

You know those speech train wrecks when you mean to say two words but they come out as one mangled teleporter-accident of a word? Well, that probably can’t even explain this earsore. If you ever say this one, just repeatedly slam your head in a minivan door until you can’t anymore.

turnt slanguage funny

turnt adj. Partying like it’s 1999 and/or getting massively drunk (turned up).

I’m sorry. Though we can all now celebrate the ousting of “krunk” (crazy drunk), I cannot NOT hear a molasses-thick hillbilly accent when I hear this one. “Hoooowee! Thet thar Anikin Skywalker done did got h’self turnt to tha Dark Side of the Feeeorce.”

basic slanguage funny

basic adj. Of girls, characterlessness characterized by stereotypically popular interests.

At first, this one doesn’t seem so inane, like it could be the sweatpants version of “mediocre.” But the narrow-minded picture this word is supposed to paint is of a girl with a pumpkin spice latte and an iPhone up top and Ugg boots down below.

thirsty slanguage funny

thirsty adj. Eager, needy, desperate, trying way too hard. Not for beverages.

The irony of a parent using this word is that it makes them seem, well… “thirsty.” This word doesn’t make one want to wear a thick helmet of duct tape like some of the others, at least.

or nah slanguage funny

or nah adv. A slurring of “or not” used to indicate a yes or no proposition as brainlessly as possible apparently.

If this word combo were a person, I’d be serving back-to-back life sentences in prison for what I’d done to it. Even worse, it’s part of pop culture to make a tongue cluck sound with this linguistic turd pretzel, as in, “Should I light myself on fire >cluck< or NAH?" The answer is YAH. Ugh.  


Okay. I know this all makes me sound very non-young. You may even point out to me that probably every single slangism dreamt up by youglings, in any period, has seemed maddeningly ridiculous to their elders. Whatever. GET OFF MY LAWN! But really, I think this latest crop of humans is using pure, unadulterated nonsense in an attempt to open a wormhole into a new, alternate dimension of stupidity.

Who knows why some of us try to use this langaurbage. Maybe it’s to stay fresh and current. Maybe it’s the spoken equivalent of a midlife-crisis piercing or tattoo. Maybe it’s done out of some misguided urge to bridge the generational gap, but only winds up being a cliff-dive with no parachute.

So! Should you ever be possessed of the curiosity or temptation to use the slanguage of modern kids and teens and give your sentences the grace and dignity of a pro basketball player riding a tricycle: JUST SAY NO! (And never ever say “naw”.)

Do not even, for your kids’ sake.

Do not even, for your own sake.

Do not even, FOR EVERYONE’S SAKE!!!

Follow us on Facebook. We won’t use these horrible words there. Ever.

No more freaky dumb words. Now enjoys some freaky dumb pictures.


6 Responses to “Exposure To & Improper Use of Kid Slang May Result in Brain Damage”

  1. Rebecca says:

    Love it, thanks for the translations!

  2. Sarah says:

    I can’t hear the word ‘bae’ without wondering if the person knows they just used the word ‘poop’ as a term of endearment…

    Because if you didn’t know, bae is Dutch for poop.

  3. Daniel says:

    We purposefully mis-use the Kids These Days’ lingo with Thing 1 just to be annoying (horrible parents, I know.) Things like,

    “Oh man, I don’t want to make dinner tonight. It’s so not on fleek.”

    “Today was so not Tumblr!”

    “Lets totes fleek go do the food shopping!”

    • Andy says:

      I LOVE IT! Super mega ditto. In addition to misusing them, I like to mix up the eras, like “Her bae is mad bitchin, but totes a noob at yoloing.” Sometimes I need to brush my teeth and shower afterwards, though. :/

  4. Matt says:

    I’m 42, teach 11-18 year olds, and my life now makes a bit more sense. Still struggling with “banter” or “bants”, and beginning to say “lol” when I make a joke, which makes them cringe even more. That’s why I keep doing it. Lol.

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