Hollywood Childbirth: Lights! Camera! PUSH!
And the Academy Award nominees for “Most Fake Birth Scene” are… all of them.
A few months after I witnessed the birth of my first son, I saw my first childbirth scene as a new dad. I watched with a scrunched up, appalled expression as I realized how we’re all pretty much fed a parade of lies our entire film and TV watching lives. Hollywood’s representations of childbirth can be as accurate as a toddler’s drawings and as honest as their explanation of how poop got in the dishwasher.
Sure, we don’t watch to learn things, but even when we’re aware it’s fake, it can sneakily sink into society as propagandertainment, setting up certain expectations and hiding simple, common realities.
So, let’s take a bulldozer to some of the bullsh*t ways baby delivery is commonly Hollywoodized, with added guesses of what the directors must have been thinking or saying.
“Just look down, startled. We’ll add in the sound effect of a shot glass spilling later. Maybe. Aaaaand ACTION!”
There’s always the exception, but commonly, when a soon-to-be-mommy’s amniotic dam first bursts, it can be a lot like wildly pissing oneself after a pitcher of coffee. Understandably, that’s not exactly a prized special effect for a baby-on-the-way sequence to begin.
“In this scene we see your first contraction. Have you ever been stung by a jelly fish? Oh, you’ve been tazed??? Go with that! Aaaaand ACTION!”
A woman doesn’t tend to instantaneously gasp and desperately clutch the beach ball under her shirt (her coffee mug falling in slow motion for a chance at best Cinematography). Early contractions don’t tend to be torturous convulsions. For most, early labor is a light “warm up” that can easily last for hours, even unnoticed. Not edge-of-their-seats stuff, though.
“Okay, now lay back and put your feet in the stirrups. Can we get her legs higher? She looks too comfortable. Aaaaand ACTION!”
How often have you seen an on-screen woman on all fours or squating to deliver a baby? Or, if you think about it, in those positions for the act of making a baby? Apparently, Hollywood likes its childbirth scenes like it likes its sex scenes, missionary position. Hospital beds are set up for it, but in reality, sometimes a woman’s gonna do what a woman’s gotta do.
“When they say ‘push,’ lean forward and ROAR! Like a wounded hippo, not Katy Perry. Think ‘neck tendons and forehead veins’. Aaaaand SCREAM, I mean ACTION!”
Baby-pushing women tend to hold their breath and crunch to the core of their core, so there’s not a lot of wind left for heavy metal vocals. I know it’s awful to compare the intense surges of childbirth to taking a wicked rough dump, but it’s true. When push comes to shove, we’re not that loud.
“CUT! This is taking forever. What? Babies take THAT long??? Well, we’re just gonna skip to the end here, people. Aaaaand ACTION!”
Hollywood often skips early labor to achieve insta-drama, but it also tends make the delivery time for a “bun in the oven” seem like the delivery time for pizza. Sure, we’ve all heard a rare story or two of a woman firing a human mcnugget out like a slingshot, but we’ve also heard of people winning the lottery. Not an everyday occurrence.
“CUT! No no no, she looks terrible. Get Makeup in here. Fix her hair so it’s just damp-ish. Dad’s about to kiss her warmly, for goodness sake, so lose the mouth crust. Aaaaand ACTION!”
It’s weird she can’t look a little like Mrs. Doubtfire after a brisk jog when you think about the fact that we can watch a summer-sausage-shaped alien burst through someone’s rib cage or see faces melt off a bunch of Nazis. We get used to watching actors wake up in full makeup, without bed-head or puffy eyes, so I guess it’s not a shocker that a hair and makeup crew will make a new-mom actress look only lightly spritzed.
“CUT! Did you just sh*t yourself? Is she puking now??? Lose the method acting, lady! My god, go get her body double now! We’ll shoot the rest below the neck.”
For people who usually depict childbirth as an absolutely horrifying exaggeration, Hollywood sure seems to edit out a lot of the simple unpleasant realities. It’s a-okay to show a woman lose her sh*t completely, but not literally. So, things like poo, farts, puke, cutting the cord, afterbirth, you name it, don’t tend to flow with the mood of the picture.
“Glaze your eyes over and wobble your head. Throw in a sloppy smile and some drool if you can manage. Aaaaand ACTION!”
A woman who receives an epidural is more likely be punchy simply from trying to use her body as a baby cannon for hours. She’s not going to suddenly start waving the rainbow of her hand in front of her face while the guitar solo from Jimmy Hendrix’s “All Along the Watchtower” is reverbing through her spine.
“CUT! PROJECT, people! Let’s see some froth! Some frenzy! You’re delivering a baby for the audience, not a lullaby! Aaaaand ACTION!”
Unless you’re delivering on an escalator and your doctor is a socially-awkward accountant and your nurses are a pack of giddy mall twits, this just isn’t going to happen. Even if it’s an emergency, no one’s going to begin barking commands so they can be heard over ominous background music. Of course, Hollywood figures it would ruin the suspense of the scene if medical professionals just acted professionally in a medical situation. Go figure.
“That last real baby looked like a linebacker. I wish we’d got that preemie’s agent to sign off. Ugh whatever. Wipe some of the goop off that robotic baby prop, it’s making me sick. Wind the thing up! Aaaaand ACTION!”
You can’t shoot with an actual newborn, aside from scheduling and coordinating difficulties, it’s also FRIGGIN’ CRUEL to subject a freshly-born infant to the rigors of a set. This, however, sets up the viewing audience’s expectations for a sharp left turn when they finally see their own mini-me’s puffy and chaffed up potato of a head cuddling on their chest.
See our Birth Reaction chart for reference. Most dads have told us they were between 1 and 3.“Alright, Chad. On this one, let’s get a little more flutter on your eyelids before you fall out of frame. [looks at actor’s contract] We’ll do another take with the stunt double for the prat fall. Aaaaand ACTION!”
Blockbusters and hit shows aren’t supposed to be documentaries or PSAs, so it’s forgivable to film a dad-to-be crashing into a tray of instruments on his way to the floor and unconsciousness, because it’s funnier and more dramatic than him standing or sitting quietly nearby. In reality, most men seem to innately know that it’s their job to be calm and supportive, and that that job is waaaaaaaaaaay friggin’ easier in comparison.
Some of the cinematic changes to reality make sense ::cough Poo! ehem::, and some… not so much sense. After we experience birth in real life, we can’t really watch it on the screen the same again, however realistic or fantastical.
The weird thing I also realized is that a good number of people in front of the camera and behind the scenes are moms and dads, so for them, a childbirth scene must be like watching people directed to eat food with swords for more dramatic effect.
Now I’ll leave you with my favorite, most ridiculously accurate, Hollywood birth scene. 😉
Heather Taylor says: 
Jenincanada 
Louise Hetherington 
Desiree 
