How to Be a Dad

How to Be a Dad

Infomercial Parenting Style

Posted by , under NOTEBOOK


There are all kinds of parenting styles that have been given clever little labels and been written about thoroughly out there. There’s an even greater word-count online in the debates and commentary about which one’s are the happy-go-bestest and which ones will lead to a child’s utter and total dysfunction, derangement and probably even super bad acne.

Overlooked by nearly everyone, however, there exists a parenting style that most of us don’t bother to consider or dare to talk about.

Infomercial Parenting.

It’s a unique parenting style in that it isn’t intended for anyone to study and practice, it’s purely for you to ridicule and feel better about your own chosen parenting style (which I simply call “the way you parent”).

Let’s fire up our feel-good machines and have a look at some demonstrations, using a common parenting scenario. Feeding the family.

 

Preparation

If you thought dinner was hard, imagine attempting it with no depth perception or proper muscular coordination apparently.

Get ready to feel better and better about yourself because it only gets worse and worse from here.

Infomercial Parenting Food Preparation

 

Infomercial Parenting Versatility

Versatility

The number of ways to do something wrong totally kicks the ass of the number of ways it can be done right. While you’re trying to avoid failure, Infomercial Parents don’t limit themselves and freely use the entire arsenal of idiotic and/or clumsy methods for screwing up any task.

 

Cooking

Some people aren’t great at cooking, but some people are so not great that they light themselves on fire and dive out a window when they try to make tea.

Next time your chicken’s a little dry, don’t sweat it. Nobody wound up with burn scars.

Infomercial Parenting Cooking

 

Infomercial Parenting Serving Dinner

Serving

Serving is truly an art. Infomercial Parents can only draw lopsided stick-figures though, and even packaged foods and beverages prove a challenge.

Ah, you say you tipped over the salt when you last set the table? Pfffft. You’re all good.

 

Etiquette

“Monkey see, monkey do” is more workable when used by an intellect greater than that of a monkey. Parenting by example can be powerful stuff.

Even if your examples aren’t always exemplary, at least your kid will probably learn how to operate a friggin’ spoon!

Infomercial Parenting Etiquette

 

Infomercial Parenting Cleanup

Cleanup

Don’t worry about how spotless your dishes are, or how many dished you have to do, they’re really nothing compared to the catastrophe that Infomercial Parenting results in.

 

Leftovers

Being alive and having kids costs money. Infomercial Parents need to be especially economical so they can afford to pay for repairs as well as buy questionably-necessary products advertised on TV.

Supplies were limited, so who can blame ‘em.

Infomercial Parenting Leftovers

 

Infomercial Parenting Cooking

Aftermath

If a kid is fed enough cheese or grapes (maybe because it’s the only foods that can’t injure anyone or be set on fire), there will be consequences.

Infomercial Parenting is pretty shitty, literally and figuratively. But it’s also pretty damn funny.

 

So, as bad a parent as you ever thought you might be, you just ain’t got nothin’ on these masters of melodramatic malfunction. Most of us are our own worst critics, screaming at ourselves to do better, but the fact is you’re probably doing just fine. Even if you have set yourself on fire once or twice.

Take heart when you feel like your style is “train wreck parenting.” No matter how bad you think you are… sadly, there’s always someone worse. Way worse.

Follow us on Facebook. Even though it’s sort of like an online, interactive informercial.

Instructional Diagrams
See what happens when the author of this post creates infographics.
 

2 Comments

2 Responses to “Infomercial Parenting Style”

  1. But wait! … there’s more!

    • Andy says:

      Haha! Order now and you’ll receive not one but TWO handy-dandy toy shovels AND a state-of-the-art bathroom floor water vacuum!

Leave a Reply

Notify me of followup comments via e-mail. You can also subscribe without commenting.