I love my infant son, Arden. Very much. He’s such a fun guy already and we are creating an amazing little bond that grows each day. I love him and his smiles and coos and little poops. He’s such a great baby.
But teething can go f*ck itself.
It tests everything I have. It turns little cuddly babies into screaming alarm clocks set for EVERYTHINGSUCKS o’clock.
So, here is a list I’ve put together for you, parents and non-parents, of things I would rather do than hang out with a teething baby:
1. Cover Myself in Bees
This is a little too similar to hanging out with a teething baby, actually. If they all decided to sting me in the ears, samesies.
2. Use the Subway System in Sao Paulo
The World Cup is basically almost as hard as parenting.
3. Carry 50 Grocery Bags at the Same Time
Because two trips is just for pussydoodles.
4. Go on a Reality Show
Is fear a factor for you? No, you’re a parent. Worry IS the lifestyle.
5. Watch This Movie
Because I’m pretty sure my brain would melt out of my nose, ears and mouth. Which is okay, right now.
6. Teach My Mom about Technology
“Mom, just reboot your computer and try again.” -Me
7. Listen to this Bullshit on Repeat for a Month
This is the clearest description of parenting ever, right?
8. Fly on this Plane
Now boarding OMFG Airlines where barf bags are the size of diaper pail inserts.
9. Buy Baby Supplies at this Store
I’m pretty sure there’s a metaphor about parenting here.
Follow us on Facebook. It’s sort of better than a teething baby. Kinda.
Diagrams and infographics that only really teach you how to laugh hard. Hopefully.