How to Be a Dad

How to Be a Dad

9 Things I’d Rather Do Than Hang Out with a Teething Baby

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I love my infant son, Arden. Very much. He’s such a fun guy already and we are creating an amazing little bond that grows each day. I love him and his smiles and coos and little poops. He’s such a great baby.

But teething can go f*ck itself.

It tests everything I have. It turns little cuddly babies into screaming alarm clocks set for EVERYTHINGSUCKS o’clock.

So, here is a list I’ve put together for you, parents and non-parents, of things I would rather do than hang out with a teething baby:

1. Cover Myself in Bees

This is a little too similar to hanging out with a teething baby, actually. If they all decided to sting me in the ears, samesies.

2. Use the Subway System in Sao Paulo

The World Cup is basically almost as hard as parenting.

3. Carry 50 Grocery Bags at the Same Time

Because two trips is just for pussydoodles.

4. Go on a Reality Show

Is fear a factor for you? No, you’re a parent. Worry IS the lifestyle.

5. Watch This Movie

Because I’m pretty sure my brain would melt out of my nose, ears and mouth. Which is okay, right now.

6. Teach My Mom about Technology

“Mom, just reboot your computer and try again.” -Me

7. Listen to this Bullshit on Repeat for a Month

This is the clearest description of parenting ever, right?

8. Fly on this Plane

Now boarding OMFG Airlines where barf bags are the size of diaper pail inserts.

9. Buy Baby Supplies at this Store

I’m pretty sure there’s a metaphor about parenting here.


Follow us on Facebook. It’s sort of better than a teething baby. Kinda.

Instructional Diagrams
Diagrams and infographics that only really teach you how to laugh hard. Hopefully.


19 Responses to “9 Things I’d Rather Do Than Hang Out with a Teething Baby”

  1. Dan says:

    And here I was thinking that things get easier once babies reach 3 months. Thanks for showing me the inevitable doom that is my future.

  2. I feel like I’ve been living #6 for the past 20 years of my life. And #7 is pure GOLD.

  3. Michelle says:

    FU Molars right in the eyes!!! Ahhhh feel much better now. Thank you for the laugh, glad it’s not just us. I cannot wait to have my sweet boy back.

  4. You can add “root canal” and “vasectomy” to your list. Have you tried those teething tabs? They work pretty well!

  5. Christine Taylor says:

    My 21 Mth Old Is Getting Two Back Molars And I Would Rather Be In Charge Of Pooper Scooping For A Herd Of Elephants With Explosive Diarrhea In 1000° Weather….Naked…..With Only My Hands…..And No Way To Get Clean…..

  6. Danielle says:

    For reals though. Kill me now. My baby is 13 months and is (knock on wood) sort of back to normal for a minute. The last few weeks were ROUGH though! Some days I’m about 1 minute from running away from everything to become a homeless wino.

  7. Mostly I like that when the woman becomes the monster she still has boobs.

  8. Laurie says:

    Oh man! Watching that scene in Amy Schumers show killed me, that was hilarious. I feel for you guys, but this list made me laugh, especially the fly on this plane one, because NO WAY!

  9. Kenny says:

    Thanks for #8. I’d just about beaten my fear of flying. Thousands of dollars in therapy destroyed by one Charlie Capen post.

  10. Sheldon says:

    Tears! I think I stopped breathing after the grocery bag lift!

  11. Robert says:

    Seriously the funniest list I’ve seen… ever. I need to see the Subway System in Sao Paulo in person, and I need to watch that movie…. words can’t even explain… haha


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