How to Be a Dad

How to Be a Dad

My Top 25 Parental Confessions

Posted by on February 27th, 2014, under NOTEBOOK

My Top 25 Parental Confessions

Bless me child for I have sinned. It’s been your lifetime since my last confession and I feel like I need to come clean. I have lied to you, stolen your property and coveted your dinner, as well as your youth.

I am your father, but I haven’t always been a parent. I used to be just like you. I was an immature, unorganized mess of a human being skating on the edge of a downward spiral. But you made me. You made me a man who is responsible for another, and then three others.

There are four of you children and I confess that I am not always truthful about who I am and how I get by. There are things that I must do, discretion that I must make to get through my days as a parent. I will not share all of my secrets, but I will shed some light on some of what you do not know.

So here are the first 25 confessions that come to mind.
 

    1. I had sex with your mother in your bedroom long before it was your bedroom, but the memory still lives there.

    2. I pop your balloons when you are at school.

    3. I throw away your drawings, but I have saved every birthday card that you ever made for me.

    4. I am the Tooth Fairy and the Easter Bunny. However, Santa Claus is real.

    5. Calliou has always been our go-to babysitter when Mom and Dad need some adult alone time. Because of that Calliou’s theme song kind of turns me on.

    6. I am not as strong as you think I am.

    7. I blamed my farts on you when you were a baby.

    8. I have nicknames for you, the kind of nicknames I can’t repeat in public so I won’t.

    9. I wouldn’t drink out of your glass for one million dollars.

    10. I steal the quarters out of your piggy bank.

    11. I have a favorite child, but it just changes by the day. So don’t ask. Unless you like playing Russian roulette.

    12. I sometimes wish I were eating your chicken nuggets and mozzarella sticks rather than my spinach and fish fillet.

    13. If you are looking for a Lego piece that you cannot find then you should stop because I threw that shit out weeks ago.

    14. The half-hour before your every bedtime I am not listening to a word that you’re saying because I am thinking only of a glass of wine.

    15. I know that it is you who is putting boogies on the wall.

    16. I take your excess Halloween and Easter candy and leave it on the break room table at work. And I don’t even like those people.

    17. I only like to play with you when you let me make up the rules.

    18. You are a better student than I ever was. By far! It’s not even close.

    19. I watch you in your sleep.

    20. I eat your sugar cereal after you go to bed.

    21. I kind of like it when you wake up in the middle of the night and get in bed with me.

    22. I fantasize over having an empty nest.

    23. I have essentially met all my current friends through you. Without you as my crutch I am something of a social midget.

    24. I consider you my best friend. However, you’d rather hang out with your best friend Christian.

    25. I lose sleep over your future. Sometimes it’s all I can think about.

 


 

Kevin Harris is a part time blogger and full-time working dad. He is a father of four and a husband to one very, very understanding woman. Find his self-deprecating posts at My Pathethic Blog, and follow him on Facebook. He is currently working on his first book Meet the Buzzkills, a Fatherhood Survival Guide.

 


 

Following us on Facebook is something you won’t have to add to any confession you ever write. Hopefully. 

23 Comments

23 Responses to “My Top 25 Parental Confessions”

  1. teneisha says:

    awesome. I too would not drink out of my child’s glass for a million dollars.

    • Manda says:

      Nope. Contaminated. I can’t drink out of mine if they steal a sip, either. Or if they even touch it, depending on who it is (That 18 month-old is always kind of gross)……

      • Lisa says:

        Oh yeah. My 11 month old thinks his cup is the place to hide food he doesn’t want to eat, and my cup is the place to wash all that yucky food off his fingers. We now have a fingerbowl at his place setting. He still prefers my cup. Am I teaching him bad manners if I drink out of the fingerbowl?

  2. Toxic Backwash, FTW!

    9. I wouldn’t drink out of your glass for one million dollars.

  3. Cassie Davis says:

    I would drink out of my daughters glass for a million dollars, but not a penny less!!! Hey college is expensive…Don’t judge me!!!

  4. Chris says:

    #13 – Every single day.

  5. daniel says:

    Jeez, number 11 hits home. With 5 kids that is SO TRUE!!!

  6. Stefanos says:

    25. I lose sleep over your future. Sometimes it’s all I can think about.

  7. Dads Make says:

    As always, I love your style.

  8. Matt says:

    #9 is dead on. But you could probably up that value to $1 billion.

  9. James says:

    I can relate to most of this list. 16 really made me laugh.

  10. Mr Lady says:

    This. “If you are looking for a Lego piece that you cannot find then you should stop because I threw that shit out weeks ago.”

  11. Jill C says:

    Years ago, when I was a teen, my Dad took me, his wife, and my stepbrother on a vacation to Hawaii. It was really wonderful. We stayed in a condo we’d rented for a week, and my Dad is a great traveler, so he made sure we had a flexible itinerary. Day one, we went to the grocery store and everyone was allowed to choose their own cereal.
    I chose my favorite, Golden Grahams, the best cereal ever created by man. My Dad, ever the health nut chose Weetabix, the most disgusting cereal ever invented by man.
    Day two dawned and I woke up and went into the kitchen to get my bowl of sweet heaven. I couldn’t find it. I looked in every cupboard, in the fridge, in the LIVINGROOM. No dice. Dad and his wife were out on the balcony, drinking coffee, and I said, “Where did my cereal go?” Nothing. No answer.
    “Well? I looked all over, I couldn’t find it.”
    Finally my Dad ‘fesses up, “I ate it.”
    “What???? The WHOLE thing!???!! What am I supposed to eat??”
    “You can have my cereal.”
    I marched into the kitchen, grabbed two of those evil, disgusting biscuits, and with a serial killer’s calm, crumpled them up right over his head. He just laughed.
    Old man had it coming. When he dies, I’m putting Weetabix in his coffin.

  12. H. Richard Dozier says:

    I love my children, now that they are grown and on their own I miss them very much. All the good times and bad, I cherish to this day.

  13. This was amazing – inspired me to write my own! Come on over and check them out ;)

  14. “I’m just a kid who’s 4, each day I grow some more….” LOL!

  15. Maeve says:

    Ummm why is this some startling revelation of confessions. This is parenting 101.

  16. CW says:

    I didn’t throw out the Lego. It just disappeared into the vacuume.

  17. Karin says:

    YOOOOO YOU ARE HILARIOUSSSS…..THANK YOU FOR THE GREAT LAUGH….I NEEDED THAT!!!!

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