How to Be a Dad

How to Be a Dad

Notice Anything Different, Honey?

Posted by on February 18th, 2014, under NOTEBOOK

Notice-Anything-Different

Hands on buzzers, people. What’s the exciting play-at-home game show of observation, memory and panic most couples have played, where one person is the unwitting contestant (or defendant) and the other person is host (or prosecutor) as well as being the game show board itself?

It’s called Notice Anything Different, Honey? Let me explain.

One year ago…

I see her smile. It’s sort of hanging frozen there below two raised and expectant eyebrows. She’s standing in the doorway trying to be casual, but she’s as subtle as a peacock.

I smile back strangely. I somehow know she’s not just greeting me fondly. I’m just beginning to get a clue, but I’m completely oblivious as to the mystery it may help solve.

She smiles bigger and her eyebrows go higher.

Ah ha! Now I can hear the tuneless tick-tocking theme music for the marital game show Notice Anything Different, Honey? even though she hasn’t said the words yet.

I don’t. I don’t notice anything different. Not one shred of difference noticed. My mind goes from drifting like an abandoned shopping cart to racing like a starship in hyperdrive, but all guidance systems are offline.

Notice-Anything

Focus! I try to be like Sherlock, with notes and labels mentally appearing all around her. Lines rapidly flash out, first from her head with labels like “Haircut…color…style?” then “Makeup…eyebrows…lashes…skin …fragrance?” Nothing! On to her body, “Shirt…pants…shoes…socks…jewelry…overall outfit?” This is all happening within miliseconds, but her game show host grin is beginning to wobble as my frown transforms from one of concentration to one of frustration.

She lets me off the hook, giving me the fail buzzer by saying, “Earrings!” and poses her hands all Vanna White around her ears.

DOH! I missed the jewerly check when doing the head analysis! [insert extended sad trombone sound effect] Wah wah wah wawawawawah!

Luckily, my wife rarely plays this guessing game and my consolation prizes for losing are always limited to a laugh and a playful spank. It never gets into the emotional napalm strike it can result in for some couples. Yikes.

muskateer-beardMe (Andy), contemplating human perception. And pirate hats.

One week ago…

I always know I need to do something about my beard when I look in the mirror and feel like I should strike up a conversation with it or register it to vote or something. My wife loves British period pieces, so I decided to time-travel with my razor and facescaped it into sideburns, a moustache and chin beard before dinner.

We all sat down to eat.

Then we finished dinner.

And then we did the dishes. No one commented at all. I was so amused I could barely keep a straight face. In the kitchen, I finally decided to press play on the Notice Anything Different, Honey? theme music by raising my eyebrows expectantly.

Her eyes were immediately alert and scanned me from head to toe and back up to…BLAM! She burst out laughing at herself and cradled my freshly Musketeered face in her hands. The cutie tried to backpeddal, saying something flattering about my eyes and how distracting they were. Chuckling, I called bullsh*t and insisted I’d earned a “free pass” on any future round of this thrilling couples’ guessing game. She sealed the deal with a kiss.

A Cheat Sheet for the Game Show

Some of you play a higher-stakes version of this game, where the consolation prizes are penalties like a chastity belt or couch exile. So I’ve provided a helpful tool to help you hone your skills.

Notice Anything Different Cheat Sheet

You’re welcome and good luck!
 

Follow us on Facebook. We’ll never ask you if you notice anything different.

Instructional Diagrams
No tests here. Just all of the answers. (They’re incorrect answers, though.)
 

16 Comments

16 Responses to “Notice Anything Different, Honey?”

  1. Phil landsberg says:

    Happens all rhe time with me too. When she notices, I usually get ‘Oh, you shaved! Thanks for giving me a bathroom.to clean later..”

  2. Laurie says:

    LOVE THIS!!I once maybe 2 years ago colored my hair dark reddish, I am a natural blonde that has gotten darker over the years, I easily made my hair 5x darker and my dear husband didn’t notice for hours! Then again when I walked into my parents house a few days later the first thing my dad said was why did you do that? I like making my husband squirm so its fun every once in a while!

  3. Unrealisticmom says:

    In a similar vein, I had my nose pierced during my lunch break from work one day (I was about to be 30 and thought I may as well!). I went back into work and straight away had a 90 minute meeting with the three men in my team. Not a flicker. Nothing. Nada. And it wasn’t that they were too polite, they just hadn’t noticed… And when I finally broke and told one that I’d had my nose pierced he flat out denied it, saying that I had it done ages ago!

  4. Marilyn says:

    Not as bad as if he asks if you’ve showered yet when you’ve taken the time to straight iron your hair and put on a little make up….then tries to pull off a “its cause you always look good honey”

  5. Thatguyjamal says:

    That’s hilarious! I’ve cut my facial hair many times and most times she notices. The last though I didn’t play the game. I didn’t say anything and she didn’t notice for 3 days. Then she exclaimed “when did you do that?!” “3 days ago sweety.” “How come I didn’t see that.”

    I don’t know. But God forbid I don’t pick on the 19th pair of shoes that you buy and wear.

  6. Joanna says:

    I lost 35 lbs before my husband saw a difference in my body…ridiculous! One day our of the blue he says, “Wow, you really are getting smaller!” No shit Sherlock!

    • Andy says:

      I blame it on incremental change. And I do so on behalf of your husband and because of the time I was guilty of exactly the same thing. I just scoffed and said, “But, Darlin, you KNOW I’m an idiot.” We laughed. ;)

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