When you become a parent, there are certain things you anticipate and others that even Dr. Seuss couldn’t have even begun to imagine.

You look forward to holding your baby and hearing their voice. You wonder about the foods they might prefer or which Star Wars character they’ll identify with most. Fantasize about how they smell, and dream about the first time they’ll say they love you.

Though you probably have glazed over the wiping workload.

You will become so accustomed to this procedure that it won’t phase you. I love my son and I love being a dad, but no one readies you for the lumberjack quantity or the Periodic Chart of Elements variety of “previously owned” food that will come out of your child.

But it’s a great opportunity to tune up your own wiping skills. You need to understand that their booty maintenance will be a part time job for you as a parent, and eventually a full-time job for them. As they said in “The Lion King” there is a whole circle of butt wiping. Are you wiping yourself properly? Every time? Liar.

So, here’s a small checklist I’ve put together to optimize your wipe strategy. Learn it well:

Step 1.
Find a place with a quiet, relaxed atmosphere. If you’re a parent, BWAHAHAHAHA. Skip this step.

Step 2.
Decide on your wipe order: wet then dry or dry then wet. Or if you’re an overachiever. Wet/Dry/Wet or vice versa. Personal preference was never more applicable.

Step 3.
Wipe yourself as thoroughly as you would your child. We never take better care of booty-wiping than with our own children.

CAUTION: Don’t get caught in the room without your flushable wipes or toilet paper (within reach). That’s rule number one. Or Step 0. It’s mentioned here, in Step 3, to make sure you were paying attention, and to punish those who weren’t. I once tried to ask my son to get me a roll of TP after we’d run out (I won’t say who is to blame). He brought me the following instead of paper to wipe my tush: legos, ninja turtles, some sticks and a gob of play dough. I almost ran with that last one.

OPTIONAL: Some prefer a calm, almost meditative process, free from any distraction, but you may want to bring some reading material or a smartphone (with full battery charge). Just don’t get so absorbed that you forget steps 1-3 and 0 cleverly hidden in 3.

Unspoken Step 4.
Let me just say what shouldn’t have to be said, but has to. Remember to wash your hands. Don’t give me that innocent look, and I won’t share the stats on how many people “forget to.” Even if someone quarantines their entire hand with a boxing-glove worth of TP, still… let’s see some suds, people. Hey, we tell our kids to. A thousand times. Everyday. Forever.

What kind of deranged madman would do something like this in a restroom???

When you think about it, wouldn’t it be nice if eating didn’t result in waste? What if we consumed food and absorbed the material like flowers drink in the sun or Miley Cyrus pigs out on publicity? Think about all the time saved! Nope. We eat. We digest. We evacuate. We wipe. We repeat.

If you keep yourself clean, you will be a better caretaker of your kids’ bums. Get in the habit, and make sure you lead by example. Wipingness is the closest we can get to awesomeness. Wipe well, friends.
 

Disclosure: Disclosure: This post is brought to by Cottonelle, the experts about bums, wiping and the equation therein. To see how Cottonelle Toilet Paper and Cottonelle Flushable Cleansing Cloths can help you set a good wiping example, click here.