How to Be a Dad

How to Be a Dad

The History of Wiping (Illustrated, but not FULLY)


Disclosure: This post is brought to you by the masters of personal cleansing comfort, Cottonelle. To see how Cottonelle Toilet Paper and Cottonelle Flushable Cleansing Cloths can practically change the destiny of your bum, click here.

The History of Wiping Funny Toilet Paper Chart Cottonelle

By the time we begin to have kids, we’ve been pretty thoroughly acquainted with the act of “tidying up” after ourselves after we’ve gone Number Twosies. When a little one arrives, though, this familiarity goes into hyperdrive. As if all of the self-sanitizing we’ve done so far was simply training for the never-ending bodily cleanup duties we’ll have to perform as parents.

It can get to be a pain in the butt, sure, but it shouldn’t literally be a pain. As you can see in this Instructional Diagram, Mother Nature never really did a stellar job of providing humankind with a very comfortable means of separating us from the animals when it came to bodily functions, so we should count ourselves lucky that we’ve come so far in the science of wiping.

cottonelle-tp-wipesGo home, uncleanness. Game over, unfreshness.

There’s no holographic app yet, and we still don’t have the flying cars the ’50s promised, but we’re getting a lot of the comfort of the future already. Cottonelle has developed a flippin’ system. By also using Cottonelle Flushable Cleansing Cloths along with their toilet paper, you’ve pretty much won the whole feeling clean and fresh business. After all, nothing leaves you feeling cleaner and fresher than the Cottonelle Care Routine.


Cottonelle Wants to Talk to You
When it comes to your bum, there’s a lot to talk/tweet about.

The Most Compelling Reason for Good Wipe Equipment
Examine this chart of underwear skid marks. Wipe responsibly.


48 Responses to “The History of Wiping (Illustrated, but not FULLY)”

  1. Jonathan Harford says:

    It is this terrible post that has encouraged me to unsubscribe from your website.

  2. bill says:

    Ads disguised as infographics ftw

  3. It is this fantastic post that has encouraged me to subscribe to your website

  4. Jason says:

    That you for this very informative post on the history of toilet tissue. I say “toilet tissue” because it makes me sound like I belong in a higher social class. Anyway, I think you may have forgotten the use of pine cones during the Neolithic Age.

    Some may want to stop following this site because of the subject. This makes me WANT to follow. I’m in!

  5. mandy says:

    This is an advertisement, but I can’t even be mad. Poo jokes win me over every time. And why did we only JUST NOW think of flushable wipes? How gross using just dry toilet paper is when you really think about it. Imagine if we washed our hands like that?

    • Andy says:

      Baby wipes are near magical things, so yeah, it is a wonder that it took us so long to realize as adults we could baby our own bums. ๐Ÿ˜‰

  6. Miranda says:

    I’m disappointed in you guys. You forgot corn cobs.

  7. Carter says:

    You also left out the Romans’ communal sponges, but that’s probably because the sponge lobby got to you. The sponge lobby got to you, didn’t it? Yeah. It did.

  8. Larry says:

    Love the post, but for the love of the plumbing gods….don’t flush the flushable wipes. They will eventually clog your pipes and it’s a pain in the freshly wiped place to fix. Think about it… You don’t clean the counter with toilet paper for a reason… it dissolves to fast, not the wipes though.
    Just my 2 cents from a maintenance guy who has to deal with elderly people who love their wipes

    • Jessi says:

      No joke, our city just had a front page article from the water department saying PLEASE DON’T FLUSH THOSE FLUSHABLE WIPES. I mean, ok, but now I have to throw my toddler’s poop wipes in the bathroom garbage can – which, for the record, is not a diaper genie.

  9. I can’t believe you duped me into reading an infographic that turned out to be sponsored content for soft, wonderful Cottonelle flushable cleansing cloths. I would be a little more chaffed over the whole thing, but my butt is already so clean and happy and poop free from using the awesome combination of Cottonelle flushable cloths along with the comfortable drying power of Cottenelle Toilet Paper, that chaffing is nearly impossible. So I’ll let it go this time. Thanks Charlie and Andy. #likewipingmybuttwithacloud

  10. charlie says:

    I’m so outraged that people make money blogging. And wipe their asses. And fart audibly. And breathe.

  11. You guys better get a patent started on that holographic bum sham.
    I’m all for moist butt wipes. If I want people to kiss my ass, I should be considerate about it.

  12. Jason Henschel says:

    But wait, you forgot to mention the three seashells of the Demolition Man future!

  13. Is nothing sacred you guys? And also, were people wiping their front parts with those things too? Because that seems damaging.

  14. Jack says:

    Pine cones are still very effective as are sharp sticks. Of course you are not supposed to take being called a hard ass literally so…

  15. ryan says:

    You forgot corn cobs. My great grandfather told me it was common in the south to keep a bucket of corncobs in water in the outhouse.

  16. Antoinette says:

    Seriously, guys, if you don’t give us the banana for reference, how can we rely on the truthfulness of this post?

  17. Sanstrousers says:

    This post is about poop. Therefore, I like it. I’m a simple woman with simple pleasures.

  18. Eric says:

    What about the shells?! How do they work??!?!

  19. NerdyLutheranChick says:

    Actually, in Medieval times they used “Arsewisp,” which depending on your status was either dried grass or rags that went into a bin and were washed by someone else!

  20. Phyllis Herbe says:

    As much as the holographic moneymaker was hilarious.. I think I have enjoyed the comments more.. did anyone figure out what ftw was? Am I clueless?

    • Andy says:

      FTW stands for “for the win” which is a congratulatory statement. Glad you enjoyed the post and its comments. It can get pretty rad here.

  21. Ngaruiya says:

    Im definitely subscribing to this!!

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