5 Reasons Having Bigger Balls Makes You a Better Dad

Posted under NOTEBOOK

dad-nads-header

Recently a Time magazine article reported on a scientific study that men with smaller mansicles make better fathers. “Testicular volume is likely to be a more stable measure than testosterone…” — okay? Well, I felt discriminated against and I’d like to set the record straight on this pseudo-scientific buffoonery.

Here are my five reasons having bigger balls makes you a better dad…

1. Workspace

saw-tableThe Right Tool for the Job

Need a workbench? Want a flat area to fix one of your kids’ toys? If you have big balls, you have an instant surface to fix toys like a boss or eat your lunch between shifts of running after your kids. Sure, huge balls make it harder to run after them, but writing this post on my laptop is so much easier with my huge nuts.

Because blogging also makes a better dad. Obviously.

2. Scare Tactics

two-ballsFear is your Friend

Have you seen an angry set of rhino testicles charging at you? No? Well, if you’re lucky you might see a pair of frustrated dadballs charging at you if you’re screaming at my kid on the playing field. Seriously, a giant pair can really give you the advantage if another dad is an agro sports father. You can saunter up and politely tell him to call down. No time flat. Or round. Whatever.

Balls are pretty scary, generally.

 

3. Being Different

yellow-differentLittle. Hairy. Different.

Average testicle size is 1.2 inches in diameter, but you have huge balls. You know the value and stress of being different. You relate to outsiders who look or act differently.

Thus, you can teach your children about the value of being different, the power of accepting others as they are, just as you’ve accepted that you have magnificently overgrown man marbles, and the burden of possessing heavy dude jewels.

4. Superior Swimming

splashDive, dive, dive!

Okay, fine. Maybe you won’t be the fastest swimmer, but you’ll have the biggest cannonball of any other dad there. And that should count for something.

5. MacGyver Satchel

MacgyverDuct Tape Won’t Solve This!

Listen, with great balls comes great scrotal responsibility. Sure, when it’s a warm out and you’re wearing wool underwear, so there may be some extra dough lying around. Big testes mean a bigger bag. You can use it to carry small items for later and it isn’t a fanny pack. Win/win. It’s like nature’s little pocket.

In the end, I really don’t have any idea why people were compelled to measure their testicles or find this study remotely useful. We all know the best fathers write blogs about fatherhood and love geeky stuff like Star Wars light saber night lights.
 

5 Comments

  • Melissa says:

    My boyfriend is a great Dad and he has the biggest uhh…”man marbles” I’ve ever seen! I just told him he was clearly a medical miracle LOL. I’m sure he’ll appreciate this article when he gets home 🙂 Thanks Charlie!

  • Ha! Thank you for posting this meaty bit of ridiculousness! Had me giggling all through me lunch.

  • Jo says:

    So it IS all about size?! Mmmhhhmmm!!! I knew it!! 😉

  • On a day when my son (age 6) opened up 16 (count them) packages of “moon dough” and dumped them on the floor; fed his carrots from dinner to the dogs (and slipped to his room and hid a chewed up chunk of his carrots under his sheets which were discovered while tucking him in); AND drew (with black marker) on his freshly-painted dresser- this made me laugh. Thank you for that!

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