How to Be a Dad

How to Be a Dad

THE FLOOR IS LAVA!

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The Floor Is Lava Funny Warning Infographic

It’s one of the best kid’s games ever, jumping from furniture to furniture to avoid touching the ground, because it is lava. It turns out it’s also one of the best excuses ever. Come brush my teeth? Hah! Yeah right. The floor is lava! Time to do my chores? LAVA! You see, most parents don’t want to hinder their kid’s imaginations and so find themselves in a dilemma when it comes to lava floors and the business of getting their children to do anything. I’m late on my payment? OOZING MOLTEN LAVA THAT WILL KILL WITH THE TOUCH OF A TOE!!! Maybe that one doesn’t work so well with banks and landlords.

Some poor fools just don’t get it at all. They “grew up” or got “educated” and used their age and their books to kill a part inside themselves that once knew, deep down, that the floor could be lava. So, to help these sad people, I’ve used the art of representing Science with artwork to make it all seem more Sciency and legit and junk. Here’s an infographic to show how the floor can be lava!

Anatomy of a Lava Floor Funny Cross Section Diagram

There you go. Proof positive! Right? THE FLOOR IS LAVA! C’mon. Go with me here. Just stand on a bath mat or something at least. Please?

I guess the point is, since you people are all such fans of there being a point to something: wherever you are, whatever your age, if you suddenly shout out that the floor is lava and someone else in the room immediately jumps up onto a chair or table or counter, say hello to your new best friend for life or, if they’re cute and you’re not with someone, you can go ahead and start debating about script fonts for wedding invitations. Lava at first sight.

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Molten Hot Instructional Diagrams
These aren’t really hot temperature-wise. You’re good.
 

9 Comments

9 Responses to “THE FLOOR IS LAVA!”

  1. Elizabeth says:

    I love it. But, if I really want my kid to do something, and the floor is lava, HEY!!! I just invented these invisible boots that protect you from lava.

  2. Donald says:

    Every kid knows (or learns) that dads voice has the amazing power to crystallize lava long enough for them to get done what needs to be done. And some dads will actually reverse the power in the middle of the chore, just to make sure they are aware!

  3. LaTomate says:

    I just realised… my DD doesn’t know about this…
    … I think I know what WE’LL be doing after Swimming lessons tonight 🙂

    Now, if you don’t mind, I have a meeting to get to, and I can’t stand on any cracks.
    The crocodiles will get me.

  4. Jo says:

    …and china patterns! Watch out for that avalanche of fire and brimstone!!! Aaahhhh…

  5. Karen says:

    I thought me and my sister invented The Floor Is Lava. I guess not. Good thing I’m not touching the floor right now.

  6. Wow. And I thought my kids invented the game of “stand up here so the lava can’t get us” after my husband showed them some crazy volcano video. Oh I see Karen in a prior post had a similar thought.

    But speaking of brushing teeth, any ideas about how how the lava means you need to brush your teeth right now?

  7. David says:

    I remember my older sister playing the similar ‘The floor is a crocodile-infested-river’ with me. We only played it once to my knowledge, but it made me scared of going to the toilet at night for years afterwards. Lava would definitely be better, it’s a less gruesome death to envisage, less likely to stick in the mind at night when it’s dark!

    That aside, the problem with this ‘theorhetorical’ analysis of course, (well, one of several, but to me the most obvious due to having laughed about it before when reading the TV Tropes page ‘Convection Shmonvection’ – Google that phrase, but only if you have plenty of time on your hands!) is that were the floor to be actually covered with lava, you’d instantly be roasted alive no matter where you were stood.

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