A Love Letter to the Outsider

Posted under NOTEBOOK

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Loud and mercurial, my son is a blurry shade of all-over-the-damn-place on the plastic play structure of a park we’ve never visited before. He stomps and cheers, climbs and slides. He is my One Man Army. And I am not embarrassed for him. It’s part of what makes him so great.

But children can be cruel. A boy decides to declare war on my Finn.

heart-poop

Rather than stepping in, which every muscle fiber and sinew in my body is calling out for me to do, I fall back. I want to see how Finn deals with it. The old me would’ve jumped in as referee but I am now testing myself, as much as I am my son. Are we both patient enough to let things play out? I want him to develop a sense of human negotiation and observation, two skills of mine that have fallen into disrepair over time.

I am his muzzled guardian and flawed teacher.

The assailant boy becomes a semi-benign dictator and leverages the other kids to flee Finn. He makes a game out of it. It’s a full-on kid mutiny. Finn gives chase to the Kiddie Stalin and his posse, seeming to enjoy his power of control over a flock of eight other kids, but he doesn’t see how mean they are being to him. They say cruel words, do cruel things and look at him with cruel eyes. Is it bullying? I don’t know. But my son has enough energy to keep up. And more.

Finn arm-cannons a handful of sand. Now, I intervene. “That is not okay, Finn.” It comes out of my mouth a bit sharply from a distance. A few other parents look at me like I’ve lost my mind. I probably have. But what’s it to them? I haven’t slept in three years. Finn looks over sheepishly. He knows throwing sand at people is unacceptable. He’s thrown it at kids and had bucketfuls thrown in his mouth and eyes. He should know better based on both sides of the experience.

moonstoneThe postcard my dad sent me. When most were looking into the sky, he was looking to the ground.

“It’s not to okay to throw sand. You do it again and we leave, understand?” He gets it. But it’s hard. The kid pushed him first. And then Finn fired sand on him. Who’s to say who loses in this situation of assured mutual self-destruction exactly? Finn walks toward me to explain, but the young Mussolini counters by sauntering over to protect his fellow henchman, the space invader. “He pushed me,” Finn says. “I saw that. That’s not okay either. But neither of you are using good manners.” Every fiber of my fatherhood wants to tell him he’s right to stand up for himself, something we’ve talked about before, but this is a lesson about mutual destruction.

The dictator blurts out, “He’s just jealous.” Pardon me while I suppress the urge to say adult expletives to an 8-year-old. “He’s not jealous. You did something he didn’t like, kid.”

That’s as far as I go. I’m not accustomed to being a diplomat in a land of varying ages, intellects and maturity levels. I don’t believe you should punish someone for something they don’t understand, if you can help it. The boy walks away and Finn wants to join him. I could stop my son from choosing that route, vilifying the boy aggressor, but, I want Finn to recognize that he has the power of choice over who he follows. If I tell him not to go play with the boy, he may not realize that himself.

Finn takes up with the crowd again. I can’t protect him from every poisonous person in his life and I won’t prove anything by parachuting in for every skirmish, but I damn well better teach him to observe people for who they truly are and how they treat others. I see the ebbs and flows of his desire to be part of the crowd. I know those feelings, too.

My father’s words above didn’t make sense to me when he scrawled them on a postcard in 1996 for my birthday. They mean a whole lot more now. They’re prescriptive. We should all be a little bit of an Outsider. It helps us make up our own minds.

32 Comments

  • Curtis Smeltzer says:
    at 9:52 am

    Part of being a father is just that. Doing nothing when you want to most; letting your child learn a lesson or make a mistake on their own.

    I did enjoy this article.

    Reply
  • Louise says:
    at 9:59 am

    You spoke the words in my heart, and being the observer to my child’s outsider ways has been the greatest challenge and gift I’ve ever known. Gorgeously written. Thank you.

    Reply
  • JeninCanada says:
    at 10:08 am

    Negotiating that push and pull on the playground with our kids is SO HARD. My instinct to protect my son from the mean kids, when he doesnt’ realize they’re being mean and not playing, sometimes threatens to blind me. But like you I’ve learned to sit back and only intervene when it looks like someone might actually get hurt. It’s HARD but we’re growing and learning too, right? Not just our kids. Great piece.

    Reply
  • Claudia says:
    at 10:28 am

    This is my inner battle.
    As momma bear, my instinct to protect mine blindly takes over the side of me that is suppose to TEACH my child to recognize right and wrong. Not too long ago, at a kids party, my son ran to a crowd of older boys playing soccer and he arrived jumping, laughing, screaming “BALL!” while clapping his not yet 2year old hands together. They pushed him away, told him “No, go away, we don’t want to play with you” and he stood there waving his hands in the air, just smiling and saying “ball, GO!” – and the kids glared at him and kept getting away from him. It was as much as I could bare to watch when I went over, leaned into my son and told him that it was not the time to play ball and that he didn’t need to play with kids who weren’t willing to share. It took every fiber of my being not to tell those kids off. I just told them, “He’s little, you don’t have to be mean to him” and walked away. My son was SO confused. I just told him, “It’s ok, those are BAD kids” and we went about our business. My feelings were SO hurt. I wanted to cry.

    Reply
  • Charlene Buen-Sabga says:
    at 11:07 am

    Beautifully written, I can almost feel the pain and frustration in your words. I have two children myself, 2 and 4. My four year old is autistic. He doesn’t understand that other kids aren’t laughing with him, they’re laughing AT him. He doesn’t understand that when kids run away from him they’re trying to escape his odd behavior, not play tag. I thank God for this time of innocence. When he doesn’t know how cruel people can be. All he knows is that he’s a kid, and they’re kids, and they’re supposed to play together and be friends. My heart aches knowing that innocence is temporary..and soon he’ll face the pain of rejection and ridicule. I did, we all did at some point. God grant me the strong heart I’ll need to carry his while my own is breaking.

    Reply
    • Whitney says:
      at 11:46 am

      This made me cry, as did the post by Claudia. I have a two year old son, and although he is not autistic, he is no stranger to the mean ways of older children. It has never been in my capacity to think before I speak, or do. My emotions rule me, and so my emotions cause me to step in whenever I see my son bullied. This post, however, has me realizing the need to stop and watch. There have been times when older children have complained about him because he plays with their toys (Legos, big boy toys, etc). At one point, a friend of our family’s 12 year old son kept throwing his cars off the coffee table. My son, being who he is, thought this was a game. Before he could even put the first car up on the table, the other child would send another flying and make him pick it up.

      I, of course, asked him to stop. My son is tough, and very stubborn. He enjoys the company of older kids, and he insists on copying their every move. I have yet to encounter a truly frustrating situation such as mentioned above, but I am scared for that moment. I know it is coming, and I’m dreading it with every fiber of my being.

      I know this, however: I will raise my son to be friendly to everyone, and to not shun those that are smaller or different.

      Reply
    • Judy says:
      at 5:48 pm

      This saddens me. My sons’ have a cousin who is Autistic and they love her to pieces. My oldest (5) has just started noticing differences in people and therefore my middle son (4) has followed suit. I’d rather explain to my boys that yes, some people have differences, but that’s the way they were made. The other day my son met a boy who was the same age as him, the boy had lost his legs as an infant. He pointed out the difference, but was unperturbed and played with the boy. His mother explained quite well, and in 5 year old talk what had happened. He accepted it and moved on. I think it’s more the parents who need to explain to their children that everyone has a different personality, life, battle, etc. and they should be loved and accepted no matter what.

      Reply
  • Sylvia says:
    at 11:18 am

    This made me tear up, I battle this as well constantly – I feel so bad my almost two year old is just this fireball of energy and sometimes the older kids can be very mean to him – I’ thankful he is still too young to undrstand. and it also makes me question “where the hell are these mean kids parents?!”

    Reply
    • Jenna says:
      at 5:52 pm

      Next time please find the parents. If they aren’t around then you correct the behavior and let them know where their parent can find you if they have a problem with anything you said. It feels like to many are taking the “well that’s not my child” stand and it is wrong. We share this world and if you aren’t part of the solutions you are part of the problem. Show your child to speak up about injustice and wrong doing. Wrong doers are running free while good people avoid and run and hide. And it probably started on the playground.

      Reply
  • Lori @ I Can Grow People says:
    at 11:20 am

    This struck a real chord in me, Charlie. Thank you for sharing this with us.

    Reply
  • Larry says:
    at 9:44 pm

    I really like this piece! I know exactly where you are coming from and struggle with similar issues. In some ways, I see this as letting the child choose his route. This is the only way he will learn.
    Impressive how you held back from taking on Mussolini.

    Reply
    • Jenna says:
      at 5:59 pm

      One must know routes even exist to be able to choose one. What if your child thinks the only option is to deal with a mean kid if they want friends? You are sitting back assuming you know what is going through your kids head. Learn what exactly? Step up get in there and explain what a minor jerk behaves like and then teach your child what his/her options are! You have to be actively teaching a child for them to learn not looking on from a park bench.

      Reply
  • Adrian says:
    at 10:40 pm

    Thanks for the article Charlie, as Curtis said if we want our children to grow, this is a big part of our job as parents, sounds like you’ve got a pretty good understanding of it.

    I read this small poem by Susan Ceylise at my dad’s Eulogy, as I thought he had carried out his fatherly duties perfectly:

    A dad is someone who wants to catch you before you fall,
    but instead picks you up, brushes you off and lets you try again.

    A dad is someone who wants to keep you from making mistakes,
but instead lets you find your own way,
even though his heart breaks in silence when you get hurt.

    A dad is someone who holds you when you cry,
 scolds you when you break the rules, shines with pride when you succeed, 
and has faith in you even when you fail…

    Reply
    • SpanishMonkeyMum says:
      at 12:51 pm

      This is lovely. Must share with my husband, thank you

      Reply
  • Misty O'Brien says:
    at 12:55 am

    As a mom of a six year old with high functioning autism, I felt like you were describing a scene out of our own lives. This same situation has happened with my kiddo but alas, I did not handle it as well as you (instead choosing the helicopter parenting route). Thank you for sharing this, even though it might deeply tug at my heart to do so, next time I will let the situation unfold so he may make his own decisions. I really appreciate this post.

    Reply
  • LaTomate says:
    at 12:23 pm

    I think you’ll both be OK 🙂

    He has you for reassurance if he needed it, and you were there to see how he handled it.

    … it’s a LOT tougher when they’re out of sight, at school.

    My almost 5yo has been bullied since she entered public school last year, and it rips me apart to be “powerless” in this situation. I have to trust her to listen to my words, and to remain the awesome feisty individual that she is.
    But it breaks my heart to hear her sob because she doesn’t have blonde hair, sparkle flip-flops, and dresses. How the kids are picking on her for wearing her favourite “Cars” t-shirt.
    I want to rip into those shallow kids… but then I remember – these kids are not a product of themselves – but their upbringing.
    Who else is teaching them that anything other than the “normal” is unacceptable and to be mocked.

    But I digress, dealing with bullies is hard – but I think you’ll both be OK.
    Keep your fingers crossed for me and mine as she enters her 2nd year of public school.
    <3

    Reply
  • Jenna says:
    at 5:43 pm

    Reading this reminds me of a few experiences with my 5 year old however I do not agree with the sit back and watch method till you have done the step foward and teach. If older kids are being mean why not go up to your child and the group and let them all know that what is happening is not okay? I told my son right in front of the older mean boys that they were not playing nicely and he doesn’t have to play with mean people. A parent shouldn’t just clean up the tears but teach the child to prevent it. What good is it to watch your child hurt just to see if they can handle the hurt. There is plenty of time for that when we aren’t around. If I am there I will point out jerks and I will point out to the jerk that he is being a jerk hell I will point out to the parent of said jerk that his/her kid is being a jerk. Why is every one walking around letting jerks be jerks just to be able to say my kid handled a jerk. Let’s stop these minor jerks from becoming adult jerks! Maybe if more parents stepped in more mean kids would see how unacceptable it is. IT TAKES A VILLAGE TO RAISE A CHILD!

    Reply
  • Jenna says:
    at 6:07 pm

    I can’t believe you didn’t let him throw the sand! Who’s side are you on any way?!?! You don’t step in to stop things before he got ao hurt he wants to throw but you yell at him for wanting to?!? You taught him nothing about standing up to that little jerk he was facing except to hold in his feelings. Why not let him throw it and then point out that they were both rude because technically you stopped your son before he was rude. I may be rude but what did him mom say about your handling of this situation because to me you bombed! Poor Finn can’t imagine how he felt as you did no teaching only correcting! Never reading your stuff again. I feel like throwing sand at you!

    Reply
    • Danielle says:
      at 1:02 pm

      two wrongs don’t make a right. He never condoned what the other boy was doing, nor did I read about “yelling” he corrected his son so his son as I would expect any parent to do. “treat others how you want to be treated” teaching children how to handle their emotions and feelings is teaching Finn alternatives to throwing sand when he is hurt and pissed off. More like guess what kids many people are going to hurt you and piss you off but you have to learn the right ways to do it, can’t punch/throw things in the adult world.

      Reply
  • vincent aka @CuteMonsterDad says:
    at 8:30 pm

    It’s so painfully difficult to expose our children to the toxic nature human being are capable of inflicting upon one another. Yet it strengthens their recognition of kindness over cruelty.

    Reply
  • Danielle says:
    at 12:58 pm

    this isn’t exactly related but this is what it makes me think of. I found a quote that says Since it is so likely that children will meet cruel enemies, let them at least have heard of brave knights and heroic courage.
    We cannot protect them from every evil in the world.
    If Finn had been a teen who was told not to follow someone not in his best interests to be around, guess what that probably would have fueled him to go anyways. There are so many lessons from instances like this and we cannot teach every thing at once. You did well in my opinion.

    Reply
  • Asha Dornfest {Parent Hacks} says:
    at 1:28 pm

    Such thoughtful action in the moment, and such thoughtful reflection on it. My son is 13 now — we talk about what happens when we let ourselves fall to the level of people around us who are behaving their worst. Tempting as it is to justify, it takes some part of us down the drain with them.

    We talk about responding from a higher place. Not ignoring bad behavior or letting it continue unacknowledged…but responding in a way that lets us be proud of ourselves. If we can influence others in the process, even better. Sort of like picking up other peoples’ trash and leaving the place cleaner than we found it. Net gain for all, really.

    I feel like that’s what you’re trying to teach Finn, right at the beginning. He’s so lucky to have you as his role model. It’s so hard sometimes.

    Reply
  • Dee says:
    at 1:35 pm

    Your story brings back memories of the conflict I feel all the time. When my son was younger I did the same exact thing you did and tell my son he shouldn’t throw sand back at the kid/s being mean to him. I’d stop him from doing the wrong things when other parents allowed the mean behaviour and I hurt for my son. ‘Why am I getting reprimanded but no one is stopping them. Why am I not allowed to do those things when the other kids are’. I’d explain that I am his mommy and its my job to teach him the right thing. I am not those other childrens mommy so I cant make them stop being mean but you be you and be the amazing person you and good people will recognize that. I’ve told him there are good and bad kids and people and its up to him to choose if hes going to play with them or be friends. We cant control others behavior only our own. I second guess myself every day but he’s now 10 and I’m seeing him make very wise decisions so I pray I am giving him the right tools to navigate this world but if not I guess that therapy is for lol

    Reply
  • Yolanda says:
    at 1:56 pm

    I had to face a similar situation just today and I think my approach was a mix. I did let the sitation to unfold and was only observing first (wondering were the parents of the other children were!) but when my son was going to throw sand back I also asked him to stop and explained to him that the other children were being rude and he shouldnt really play with them. Next thing I know we are trying to wash out sand from his eyes! I told him that if he got sand thrown again I would talk to the other children (I wasn’t cross, I was just explaining to him what was going to happen). I couldn’t have been more happier with his reaction when later on as he was playing nicely with the sand one of the children came to ask him very politely if he would go and chase them with sand and he just said (without looking at the child):” No, I am busy playing at the moment”, the child repeated the question again and my son just ignored her, she then just left and told the others that no, he wasn’t going to go chasing after them! 🙂

    Reply
  • Marilyn says:
    at 3:12 pm

    Oh, my heart hurts for you. Seeing our children hurt (physically and/or emotionally) is worse than a thousand wounds inflicted upon ourselves.

    This summer, Rowan (4) got his first taste of cruel children. There was an event in the park and he’d been happily playing with a new acquaintance, Owen (5), when another boy, Liam (6) joined up. As I found out later, Owen and Liam were already best friends, and Liam did NOT like sharing his buddy. He got Owen to join him in chasing Rowan up against a fence with sticks. I got there just as Rowan was scooping up gravel to throw, and of course I said, “Rowan, we don’t throw rocks at people.” I could have ripped my tongue out on the spot, especially when Liam flashed a smug grin at that.

    Owen’s dad did show up and reprimanded the boys, but Liam’s mom was nowhere to be seen. Not then, not when Liam tried to push Rowan out of a tree later, not until it was time for him to leave. I did talk to Rowan that night and told him that if he’s being attacked it’s okay to defend himself, but that the very best thing to do if he’s scared is run to Mommy and I would take care of it. He’s only four; there’s plenty of time for him to learn how to stand against someone two years older and a lot heftier.

    I know that incident had an effect on him, though, because the next day was a birthday party at his favorite cousin’s house–almost his second home–and he wouldn’t leave my side for the first hour we were there. He finally went to play with the other kids, and at the end he told me, “Mommy, those ones were nice kids. I want more kids like those.”

    Reply
  • K-chan says:
    at 10:32 pm

    You couldn’t have done better. What I have found, in the end, is that teaching my own children the right way to behave allows them to quickly notice when other children’s behaviour is wrong – and eventually stand up for what they think is right. A few years ago my nephew said something unkind to my then 3 year old daughter. She cried for a bit, thought, then told me “I have to tell him something.” She went to see him, and calmly told him “What you said is unkind … you shouldn’t say things like that. And I think you should apologise to me.” And he did.

    A parent can’t bug other children every little thing or helicopter your child, but do exactly what you did — keep an eye on the situation for any overt violence and direct your child’s actions as best you can!

    Reply
  • Arjan Tupan says:
    at 4:13 am

    Way to go. It’s hard, sometimes. As a dad-to-be I’m taking notes from this post, because I know it can be hard. I’ve tried this with our dog. And now we have a Baby on its way, and it will be that much harder. Great parenting, man. At least, I think it is…

    Reply
  • Angelica says:
    at 10:06 am

    As an over protective-mother of an only child, I can only IMAGINE what that must have felt like. I fringe every time someone (child or adult) makes my little girl cry or mad or whatever, and most of the time I manage to win the battle with myself and let her do her own thing. But sometimes I loose my inner argument and out comes that ugly side of me and just reprimand the other child (or adult). I’ve had some problems because of that. I swear I count the minutes from the moment I drop her off at kindergarten until I go pick her up, and I pray to God that the teachers are smart enough and kind enough and don’t let my baby cry for too long. I just can’t stand to see those pretty big brown eyes filled with tears… (My husband once told one of his brothers “If you wanna see her pissed of (and that’s not a pretty sight) make my baby cry… I dare you…”).But I also remind myself that she can also be a bit of a tyrant… she’s an only child, the only girl in the family, with 5 older male cousins, and my only living child (I lost 2 girls before her) so you can only imagine how spoiled she is (not in a bad way, but she usually gets what se wants, specially from my dad), and also, because I have 2 younger brothers and no sisters… isn’t that a pretty picture?… Hopefully a day will come when I can fully keep my over protective instinct at bay and still manage to teach her the right thing and keep her from doing the wrong thing… I can only imagine how it will be when she starts dating (GOD PLEASE,GRANT ME PATIENCE, NOT STRENGTH!).
    Greetings from sunny Baja California Sur!

    Reply
  • Jessica says:
    at 4:48 am

    I’m an eighteen year old female with no kids (yet), so I’m not exactly your target demographic, but I do want to have kids one day and so will read any parenting stuff I can get my hands on.

    Anyway, what I really wanted to say, Charlie, was that this is beautifully written. You really have a way with words and it’s just a gorgeous piece of writing.
    Well done.

    Reply
  • John says:
    at 5:58 pm

    Good choice. Tough choice to make. As a father and grandfather I know the feelings and appreciate your lesson you share with your son.
    And someday he too will appreciate your hard-earned wisdom.

    Reply
  • Cate says:
    at 6:02 pm

    Thank you for this post. It really is difficult to walk the line between encouraging our kids to blossom in their own unique way, and not wanting them to feel “weird” “left-out” and like the don’t belong anywhere. (I say this as a mom who was those things as a kid.) Thanks for reminding me that other people try for that too!

    My response to the people that want you to let your son throw sand, etc. is this: there is a time and place for various levels of violent response, but that isn’t it. My 6 year old and I have conversations about “appropriate response”. Is the situation of a kid being a jerk on the playground the right place and time to throw sand? Nope. If someone is trying to physically hurt you, THEN it is totally acceptable to fight back. Especially if you can’t run away. These conversations have helped my son BEGIN to understand the nuances of reactions, peaceful avoidance through verbal response to physical reaction to lethal force. Yes it’s a hard topic for little kids but they can get the justice of it.

    Thanks Charlie.

    Reply

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