How to Be a Dad

How to Be a Dad

Crust: A Child’s Natural Enemy

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Crust A Child's Natural Enemy Funny Picture Chart

As parents, attempting to feed your kids good food (or any food) can be an endless, nerve-wracking journey through Internet articles and grocery store aisles.

For all the warnings and alerts out there, there exists a serious danger not posted online or on any package. A dietary risk to your child as unsettling as sugar addiction; a threat as bloated as the result of a serious peanut allergy…

Crust poisoning.

Don’t laugh. This is a serious issue that no responsible adult is talking about. At all. Anywhere! I’ve checked.

Kids hate crust because it actually poses a physical threat to them. Just refer to the infographic analysis of a kid’s perceptions and responses to crust, above. Or just refer to the wad of semi-softened crust your unhappy kid just deposited into your hand. Kids know. They know crust is poisonous to them.

Sure there may be violations to this statement. Some small percentage of kids may have built an early immunity and even “love” crust. They probably also like their snow cones drenched in Guinness and balsamic vinegar, but for the rest of the kid population, crust can be deadly.

Symptoms of crust poisoning can include instantaneous loss of appetite, the condition known as “crumple face,” gagging, tongue mummification, throat owies, hyper bladder activity (mainly from drinking excessively to counteract the effects of any ingested crust attacking their system).

Understand the danger and be watchful for the signs. Don’t worry, though, give it time. Most kids will develop their immunity to crust as a natural part of growing up. Or not. No biggie.

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42 Comments

42 Responses to “Crust: A Child’s Natural Enemy”

  1. Sarah says:

    Matt(4) tried to outsmart me last week. He had tucked the darkest and toughest parts of his sandwich crust underneath his plate. I don’t know how he managed to do it without getting caught! Of course I did find them eventually when I started putting the plates in the dishwasher. So now he’ll have to come up with something even better. ;-)

    • Andy says:

      Clear plastic plates won’t even help you. He’ll probably just moisten the crust up to form a plaster he can wad up under table. Don’t be mad, it’s just a survival instinct. The stuff is poisonous.

  2. Michelle says:

    “Snowcones drenched in Guiness and balsamic vinegar” I’m still laughing…:)

  3. Shannon says:

    My son doesn’t mind crust- maybe because he has a peanut allergy? ;-) BUT don’t even think about leaving skin on his apple.

    • Andy says:

      Wait. I’m fascinated. How could having a peanut allergy make him like crust? Are you thinking the one gives him immunity over the other, like I’m thinking? ;)

  4. Luke (15 months) isn’t a very picky eater. He’ll eat most anything, even crust, however we buy very very soft 100% wheat bread. Meanwhile, my fruit and veggie lover is now on strike against strawberries, of any shape/ form. We decided to try to make him some oatmeal baby cereal, we added delicious French vanilla almond crunch granola and bits of fresh slices of strawberries and for good measure, topped it with one whole tiny strawberry, handle attached (that’s the leafy part). This caused an interesting breakfast experience. What ended up happening was he picked out the strawberry bits as they came along and ate around them. He devoured the rest of his breakfast and when all was said and done there were all the strawberry bits left there on his tray and he declared he was done by his usual squirm out of the straps that bind him to a standing position in which he threatens us with a slight tilt to indicate if we don’t rush to his aide and free him from his chair he will plummet to his certain death. He teases us, or so he thinks, because at that age, in your mind, you’re immortal and grown ups are paranoid. You laugh at their lack of confidence in your immortal skills and abilities. Bye bye strawberries! Everyone knows bananas are the breakfast of choice and if Luke shall see one, he will rage war against any carrier unwilling to surrender their banana!

    • Andy says:

      LOL! That’s amazing. I’m kinda partial to bananas, too. But I rarely eat them. That might not make sense if you’re not familiar with my other posts. ;)

  5. Cant……stop…..laughing!
    Andy you crack me up every time!

  6. Jo says:

    Crust was never an issue for my kids. I simply never cut it off for them so they always ate it…BUT my daughter did have an aversion to having her sandwiches cut in front of her. She would sob uncontrollably if you dared to cut her sandwich in her presence. If you cut her sandwich BEFORE bringing it to her, she was fine. It was very strange. I’m not sure if she thought her sandwich was in pain or what, but she was very upset over the whole deal…

    • Andy says:

      Wow! That is odd. I kinda wish one of my boys had reacted that way. That’s just too interesting! Also, congrats on having a kid with an early crust immunity.

  7. cassie says:

    My daughter gets upset if I cut off her crust, however she never eats it.

  8. Elizabeth says:

    I must have been a weird kid, because I LOVED the crust on anything!!! To this day it is my favorite part :) My kids always ate their crusts on sandwiches, so perhaps it is a genetic thing :)

  9. KAt says:

    Thank you for bringing this important issue to the forfont.

    • Desiree says:

      Seriously, you deserve a Nobel peace prize for this. Or whatever the WHO gives out for helping resolve ailments, at least.

  10. Oh man, the fun times I have coming. I used to hate the crust, but my mom refused to cut the crust off for me. Guess it gave me character. Or something.

    • Andy says:

      Character and a crap ton of crumbs and crust shrapnel if my guess is any good. We started cutting off crust when we realized the effort of cutting a sandwhich was a lot less than vacuuming.

  11. My son has another category for pizza crust…doggy treats. Bono, the dog, loves him for it and waits patiently for Blake to finish the yummy part. Bono knows he will be rewarded for his patience every time.

  12. Adrienn says:

    Yes. My kids act like the crust poisoned their sandwich.

  13. Laurie says:

    Funny that you would say Don’t laugh..I was cracking up! Your titles are often deceiving, (ie the super mega period)..I was not thinking bread crust. My mind went to eyes for some reason..

    • Andy says:

      Ha ha! The funny thing about Super Mega Period was that I was so intent on it (or because I was working on it until 5am) that the double entendre of menstruation didn’t even occur to me until it was pointed out the next day by a lot of people. Normally innuendo, metaphor and double-meanings are my playground, so it was extra dumb of me to miss.

      Super glad you were laughing at the “Don’t laugh” part. YEEEEEESSSSS! Nailed it! :)

  14. nickol says:

    if this were a kid’s tee, I’d probably buy two. One for each of my sons who are deathly allergic to crusts. (see zazzle, cafepress or other like sites if you don’t have one already)

  15. Manon says:

    omg…totally can relate to this post!!!! My daughter, now 4,5yrs old, finally started eating her crusts!! I’m not a fan of crusts myself, so I do know this is actually my fault. However, she recently figured out how to wistle and I’ve always told her that if she eats the crusts she’ll be able to wistle. Now she eats them all the time!
    On a side note to Jo: I’ve once cut my daughter’s bread in the wrong way (yep that’s possible) and she went bananas!! Asked me over and over to please put it back together and cut it in the right way. I had to explain that yep your mommy can fix a lot of things, but I can’t fix a piece of bread that’s been cut in the wrong way.

    • Jo says:

      Aawww… glad to hear mines not the only one! Poor kids. Heartbroken over sandwiches! Good thing they grow outta that kinda stuff or we’d be in a heap of trouble! Now if I could just get my husband to stop throwing fits about his food…I kid, I jest, or do I?!? ;)

  16. Natalia says:

    Probably you should know two geographical facts:

    1. In Argentina, there is a variety of sandwich (the most popular one) which is called “sandwich de miga” (crumb sandwich) for which the crust is cutted so you actually buy it like that: crust free. When I first knew that, I thought that was one of the most awesome ideas for humankind! Just google it and see for yourself. I’m sure it will arise many ideas and theories in your mind ;) I found the crustless bread for sale in Spanish markets too.

    2. Europeans have a weird attraction to hard core crust bread. Seriously, I find it very difficult to eat a “normal” bread as the common bread usually has a crust that can’t be accessed by human common means. But hey! They love it! My toddler is half Spanish and she is able to eat that thing that I can’t even cut with my bare hands and she loves it. When we travel to my country of origin, my husband complains we don’t eat bread and that should not be called that way :P I have seriously considered it’s a genetic adaptation to the fact they probably didn’t have something better in the middle ages. This European fact with crust will surely make you think a lot.

    • Andy says:

      I have to agree. I recall the first time I bit into a baguette, if you can call attempting to bite into something biting. I thought it baguette was French for “impossible” or “good luck” or something.

      I’ll have to check out the crustless bread. I guess someone discovered the dangers of crust in Argentina and Spain. The word is spreading.

  17. Natalia says:

    By the way, my dog (who passed away a couple of years ago)was a great companion for me as he LOVED me ordering pizza and eating the crust of the whole thing. We made a great team, I miss him every time I eat a pizza and those crusts remain alone in the dish

    • Andy says:

      Aw, sorry to hear about your dog going off to the big pizzacrustaria in the sky. I think it’s kind of rad though, that pizza reminds you of someone you loved. For me it’s just deliciousness that will result in greasy skin.

      • Natalia says:

        By the way, while reading your response I thought I forgot to mention the fact my dog loved crust but also that around the one year old mark he ate 1mt wire from the ventilator (from the plug to the base… you should have seen my face when trying to plug something that wasn’t there) – and pooped brilliant for the whole week, and that one of his common hobbies was to look for the spheric thorns of a particular plant we had near the house and just EAT them. No surprise crust was as a delicacy to him ;)

  18. Vuisme says:

    Over here in Singapore, the bakeries would sell crust-free bread, leaving only the white and fluffy centers, perfect for kids. The bakeries then sell the crusts (all chopped up) to others to feed fishes and pigeons at the park. Pretty good arrangement & I love this post of yours!

  19. Heather says:

    Pfft, forget crust – my 2 year old won’t eat bread of any variety. He is a great eater (he’ll eat peas for a snack!)…except when it comes to bread, and then all bets are off.

    I must admit though, as an adult I feel like I kind of agree with this chart. Crust IS kinda gross. ;)

  20. Pati says:

    My 2yo seems to have an immunity, particularly to pizza bones (crust). He actually ignores the pizza for the crust! Bread is fine too. Cake (Pie as he calls it) is mixed with the crust, so is fine. Apples are eaten whole and unpeeled, but unpeeled wedges he takes one bite and leaves the rest!
    Kids are so weird!

  21. Amanda says:

    Im with Heather’s kid. Bread is gross. The poison seeps through the crust and contaminates the inside. People need to know this. Spread the word.

  22. Jason says:

    My sweet mother actually told us the crust was the most nutritious part. I bought the lie for years until I one day realized it’s just the burnt, carbonized part of the bread with little or no relative health benefits (aside from the heavily seeded crusts). By then, I was too old to care. She might have been a genius.

  23. Lovely entertaining post. But hang on a minute, you’re talking about LITTLE kids, aren’t you? What about when they’re enormous 15 year olds and they’re still afraid of crust poisoning?

    Wicked Stepmother would like to include a link to your page on her next post.
    Cheers!

  24. Michelle says:

    My grandpa would tell me crusts would make my hair curly. Always wanting curls and having board straight hair, I gobbled them up. However, I still turn up my nose to the jello with fruit chunks in it, it put hair on one’s chest. And I’m a total weirdo about consistency.

  25. Kim says:

    In our house they are “tops” and they aren’t relegated to bread and dough products – this also translates to grill marks on burgers, steak and chicken. To many adults this is the best part. It’s like we are from two different planets.

  26. Mandalynn says:

    As a new mom (18 months) and early childhood educator of 12 years, I feel as though some issues such as “crust” arise from the actual early childhood years. For example: 18 month old loves pizza but can’t quite chew up pizza crust…18 month old loves pbj but can’t quite swallow and chew the top of the bread crust. Therefore, we as parents take that away so they can safely eat. Then all of a sudden the children don’t like crust!!!! Makes sense to me :-) just saying

  27. Victoria says:

    We had no problem for 3.5 years then some damn kid at her preschool had a sandwich with the crush cut off. Since that day!! Oh that one day! crust has become a ewwy, yucky, why can’t you just cut it off battle!! Ahhh is there no end!!!! Now at 6 the battle continues. I know I know give up it’s just crust! Yeah no I’m in it for the long haul. At least her younger sister hasn’t caught on yet.

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