How to Be a Dad

How to Be a Dad

My Kid Just Said… #16

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“If I twist my penis, I can fwy up in da sky.”
(3 years old)

Get to da choppah?

My first response to this statement was… a lot of silence, followed by a lot of hrghnck (the strangled sound of poorly-restrained uncontrollable laughter).

I was reminded of bits in cartoons where characters used their wound-up tails or floppy ears like a helicopter, except this was now in the context of my toddler’s penis. Hence the uncontrollable laughter.

When I was a kid, I used to pretend/believe that if I jumped a specific way, or made a gesture or move juuust so that I could actually fly or perform some magical feat. I thought it was just a matter of discovering that exact right secret move to unlock my super powers.

I never thought of this one, though. Maybe my son will succeed where I never did. Or something else. Um. But I’m gonna go with super powers for now.



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28 Responses to “My Kid Just Said… #16”

  1. Marija says:

    My son at 3.5 was being bored while we (parents) were struggling to get his baby sister out of infant seat and into swim diaper. Standing naked on the bench in the change room, he proudly (and loudly) announced: Look mom, I can pump my penis and blow it up big!
    We had our “hrghnck” moment, and still have it.

    • Andy says:

      I just hrghncked reading your post. But only because my lips are super dry and I would have split them like a flippin chocolate orange if I hadn’t exercised restraint. πŸ™‚

  2. caroline says:

    I have to take my 4 year-old son into the women’s locker room at my gym. While we were getting dressed, he looked down at his penis and said, “My penis is small. But Daddy’s penis is huge. Right, Mommy? Daddy’s got a big penis.” Needless to say all the other women in the locker room started laughing, with a few looking at me rather enviously.

  3. Jess says:

    Well this puts a whole new spin on the hilariousness of my kid saying “helicocktor” instead of helicopter. Mine is currently in the phase where when it’s time to change underpants, he likes to poke the changer with his peeps. Yep. This will not end well…

    • Andy says:

      So utterly perfectly applicable. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha! Good luck with the genital jouster. Wish some good luck on me, too. Lucas has started giggle-threatening “I’m gonnnaaaaa puuuutttt it on YOU!” No good ending in sight…

      • Jess says:

        You’re already covered with the spectacles, but I’d seriously consider investing in some protective eye gear for Lizzie. She’ll need it because those sneaks just ambush during the quick change. AMBUSH I SAY!

  4. Penis helicopter capabilities?! Man, your gender will find any excuse to play with it.

  5. Alan says:

    Our toddler is just coming into the age window of “the penis games.” (which never really ends does it?) A lot of which are encouraged by his older brother.
    Most of the time, when being changed, he’s content to just put his feet on up to his face and say with a smirk, “See my butt hole?”
    Yes, yes I do..

    • Andy says:

      Wow. You wrote “the penis games” and my erratic mind immediately got a picture of Katniss Everdeen from The Hunger Games clubbing another tribute to death with a dildo. Soooooo yeah.

      Please let me explain… I have until very recently had a high fever for three days straight. My apologies. My filters will regain balance soon.

  6. Jess says:

    Wow….I have many hilarious moments ahead. Can’t wait! πŸ™‚

  7. Laurie says:

    I must thank you for using snoopy and and not illustrating said super power..I am just so curious what made him think that?!..funny kid!

    • Andy says:

      LOL! I actually spent a few minutes thinking of whether such an illustration could be done to humorous effect without also freaking people out or resulting in jail time and full-site closure. Yeah. Snoopy did the trick. πŸ˜‰

  8. james says:

    This makes perfect sense to me, i think it’s possible

    • Andy says:

      Hey. I’m gonna give it a try. I’ll even ask my wife for assistance. Just to make sure I’ve exhausted all options. Y’know. For Science.

  9. Emma says:

    I used to think the same thing! I was convinced I could fly, it was just for such short distances that no one could notice, but I just needed to perfect my skills. I also had a “magic wand” and was convinced I had magic and could perform magical feats, if only you trained yourself to view the world the right way in order to see them…

  10. New Parent says:

    HAHAHA! So cute, totally appropriate for a 3 year-old. Can’t wait to hear these things in the future.

  11. Hillary says:

    My 7 year old son came out of the bathroom and announced “Aahhh! I can’t take it anymore! I just can’t control this thing!!” He was referring to aiming in the water while he pees. I hrghncked for quite a while after that.

    • Andy says:

      Almost spit coffee all over my monitor. You may need to break it to him that he’ll never really get full control of the dang thing. Ha ha!

  12. A bigger penis is better, when playing the helicopter game! My 2 year old daughter pointed to my private area-and asked what it was. I told her that was mommy’s pu-pu. Then she asked what daddy’s was. These questions are coming too soon! I thought I didn’t have to worry about these thoughts until the kid was 10.

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