How to Be a Dad

How to Be a Dad

The Black Hole Zone of Cribs, Car Seats & Stollers

Posted by on April 11th, 2012, under INSTRUCTIONAL DIAGRAMS

The Black Hole Zone of Cribs, Car Seats & Strollers

[ click the image to enlarge ]

Before you have kids, it doesn’t seem possible you could lose much in a crib, car seat or stroller. They’re just a frame with bars and a frilly mattress, a cushioned bucket with a test-pilot’s buckling system and an over-sized folding chair on wheels covered by fabric. None of these are exactly the Amazon Forest. Right? Wrong!

As a parent, you do lose things. You could have sworn… well, you do swear. A lot. But you could have sworn it’d be in one of these places. You search and hunt and practically dismantle the dang things to their nuts and bolts, but… nothing! You think you’re losing your mind. And you feel like a total negligent slob from the nastiness of what you do find along the way in your quest. How could all of this stuff have wound up here!?! you might wonder to yourself in italics.

Then, later, as if some demonic spirit has decided the cruel test of your sanity is ready for the bonus round, the missing thing will pop up suddenly there in the nooks and folds of the thing when you’re not even looking for it. You can almost hear the echoing evil “Muhuhahahah!” as you stare at the found item, right in front of you. Where you’d searched. Repeatedly.

You failed to realize that you were searching though another dimension. A dimension beyond that which is known to dad or mom. A dimension as vast as the parking lot of the local mega-mall and as endless as amusement park lines. The middle ground between nursery rhymes and gibbering madness. You just crossed over into the Black Hole Zone. (insert dramatic base drums and creepy, sharp flute sounds)

Facebook is like a black hole…
You won’t find your car keys there, but you’ll find us.

Instructional Diagrams
Okay, these are also like a black hole. But you won’t mind getting sucked in.
 

44 Comments

44 Responses to “The Black Hole Zone of Cribs, Car Seats & Stollers”

  1. Tina Reher says:

    And somewhere in there should also be mine and my daughter’s passports. Those puppies have been missing since December…

    But yeah, I’m pretty sure the diaper bags are also in on the whole black-hole-zone deal. OH and the washer! Mine has an extra special hunger for small purple socks.

    • Andy says:

      Oh man! Passports can be such a pain to replace! I wish you luck. Hopefully one of these black holes coughs it up soon. You’re are spot on about the other black holes of parenting, but I only had so much room. ;)

    • Christina says:

      YES to the Diaper Bag! That one is one major all-suck of anything and everything.

  2. Love it! It’s true. All of it!

  3. Scott says:

    Those lost sippy cups… just let them go man. My wife tried to save one once. It must have reminded her of the outcast kid she tried to socially save when she was a teenager. Some things you just can’t fix, just let it go.

  4. If I had a $ for every time I lost something…mostly soothers, in my son’s car seat, I wouldn’t have to work anymore.

  5. Big Dan says:

    I’m a big fan of the cup holders that are so filled with crap (toys, wipes, wrappers, etc) that you can’t actually put a cup in it. Or, my daughters’ favorite, the crib that is so full of toys that they can barely fit in it, but won’t sleep without all of them in it.

    • Andy says:

      I hear ya on both the trash receptacles otherwise know as cup holders and the garbage scow of a crib. I use my large iced coffee to press down on the packed holder to get a good an inch pressed down so it still works, even if a bit wobbly.

  6. MotherDuck says:

    Ha ha! Great post, we’ve all been there and were ashamed of our findings. Nice to know when you’re not alone.

    Someone please invent self cleaning car seats! Vision: Suddenly a pod like door wraps around the seat enveloping it and fully sanitizing it as well as all of the items in it. Just like those self cleaning public toilets in San Francisco. Strollers and cribs too! Seriously, someone get on this!

    • Andy says:

      I second it! Inventors and car manufacturers! C’MON!!! We don’t need in-armrest elbow warmers! We need a car that doesn’t feel like we belong in the automotive version of some hoarder reality TV series!

  7. Monica says:

    It is a scary, scary place under the car seat. Seriously, under the bed isn’t as scary as that. Move a car seat that has been in the same place for a year and you will find the creepy music starts to play.

    LOVE the way you described everything. I have been to the Black Hole Zone and it will drive you insane. =)

    • Andy says:

      Wait. You’re telling me you can actually pry your car seat off of the car upholstery??? ;) Ha ha! I know what you mean, it’s a war zone under there. And yes, these things will suck away, along with everything else, your sanity.

  8. Erich says:

    My son’s room is a black hole zone. That bottle I could have sworn I heard being tossed against a wall once empty? GONE. The outfit I picked out to dress him in the next morning? Also, GONE.

    • Andy says:

      I am not emotionally ready to talk about my sons’ rooms. I’m in my happy place. Happy place! Happy place! Okay, I’m better now.

  9. DoubleDad says:

    Paperclips have been scary since the emergence of Clippy. Ah, Clippy…

  10. Mel says:

    You forgot SPOONS! Every time you buy a cutlery set, you need 6 knives, 6 forks, 12 big spoons, and 50 teaspoons! We discovered a little tear in the fabric under the couch cushions, so cut it open, and found at least 10 teaspoons, along with dozens of small choke-able toys, lots of money and miscellaneous crap.

    Oh, and don’t get me started on the bottles and sippy cups full of ‘cheese’. Never the cheap ones, only the expensive ones that are allegedly spill proof

    • Andy says:

      “Forgot” or “couldn’t fit”? Ha ha! Our cutlery has been so pillaged and plundered. :(

      How funny would it be if you went to a farmers market and had a basket of “boutique” cheeses and they were just the slugs of milk sludge you scrapped out of bottles? Okay, maybe not that funny. But I’m laughing imagining it!

    • Christina says:

      Lol. We haven’t had missing spoons yet, but when I was younger, my brothers would pillage the spoons to dig holes in the back yard. Not the most effective shovel, but easier to wield for small hands…

      I think they had already buried the sand shovels…

    • Drew says:

      Yeah… I like “eventually” instead of “immediately” in regards to silverware. My son tried to hide our spoons in a plugged-in toaster once (on my wife’s watch, of course)!

  11. Pedro says:

    Very nice, great image… as always…

  12. Drew says:

    Our favorite things to hide:

    • Spare change (we’ve found enough to go ahead and enroll The Boy at our local community college);

    • His mom’s driver’s license (I consciously can’t blame ALL of this on The Boy, though).

    • Andy says:

      YEah, I almost put drivers license on this one. It totally makes sense why it would appeal to our kids to run off with it too when they’re rifling through our purses, diaper bags and wallets. For them, it’s got a picture of Mommy or Daddy on it, TREASURE!!! ;)

  13. Jennifer says:

    And all of my dog’s missing toys. I gave my dog a brand new rawhide, and it disappeared. Hunted all over the house for it, laid my little demon down for a nap, and when i peeked in on her, she was using it for a pacifer. My dog “buried” it in underneath a blanket in the crib.

  14. Lurkfail says:

    Our first little guy broke us in by hiding stuff in his crib/room. We would be looking forever for the lost item- usually a pacifier- to no avail. We would give up and find another one. Eventually a day or so later he would show up with the lost one in his mouth… ok… where did that come from. It would go missing again… and then reappear.
    Shortly before going mad, I tore his bed apart- everything out, he is hiding this somewhere… Sheets out, animals out, pillow case off (a prime hiding place BTW), pull the crib away search under around etc.

    No luck.

    Finally, one morning I hear this “Clink! sshhhrrrrrrcch thunk!” noise… hmm… wonder what that was.

    Get up later, and magic binky is gone again. BUT! that noise… what was that.

    Turns out that sound was the noise of him flinging the binky across the room, it sliding across the wood floor and under the changing table. Yeup, his magic hiding spot had been found. Just about every time after that it could be found under there. It became part of the pre-flight inspection in the mornings.

    I am almost certain I saw a look of disappointment on his face when I discovered the sekrit stash spot….

  15. Sam says:

    haha i just came back to this post after finding my sons brand new tube of teething gel(now twisted and torn beyond use) in the washing machine with the washed clothes!somehow it made its way from the bedside table to the laundry! my baby doesnt even walk yet!!!

  16. eve peach says:

    yep! wedding ring was lost forever! and then one day my older daughter caught a shiny glimpse of something down in the crotch buckle of the baby’s carseat. she reached her tiny hand down in the deep crevice and pulled out the diamonds!

    i vaguely remember giving our screaming infant my wedding ring as a distraction ploy…maybe that was not the brightest of my ideas (choking hazard? great way to lose your wedding ring?)

    well at least finally one of these kids found something, instead of me having to use my super human mommy finding powers!

  17. Karen says:

    3,000 nintento styluses (styli???) that were taken from older brother.

    • Andy says:

      Ha ha ha! Poor brother. I remember well the frustration of not being able to find them, myself. Uh… I mean for my kids. Not for me! Heh! No way! (nervous cough) ;)

  18. Evonne says:

    We moved around a bit when number 1 was a toddler and found ourselves with a spare rubbish bin. This one had a lid and he loved playing with it (don’t worry it was clean)so we let him have it…As usual I blamed the black hole in the washing machine for the disappearance of socks (I’m certain they have a fetish). One day out of curiousity I decided to raid the wee lad’s bin to see what he had in there, along with all manner of missing things were several pairs of hubby’s dirty socks. Needless to say I made regular raids after that!

    • Andy says:

      Ha ha! Caught red handed! We discovered our youngest had been putting items in the trash as well. TV remotes, car keys, you know unimportant stuff that was just lowering our quality of life by littering the place up! (Sighhhhhh) So cute and infuriating all at once. ;)

  19. Bryan says:

    i once was able to piece together a chicken nugget kids meal from all different trips from the contents in the car seat after i cleaned it….complete with toy.

  20. Gemma says:

    This is so funny cos its true!

  21. Kathryn says:

    My husband and I were JUST talking about this! It’s crazy! We clean out our daughter’s car seat every week, and every week w/out fail I’ll look back and find her eating something she had a week or more prior, I can’t figure out where it’s coming from!

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