We used to have an “Equipment” section and it tanked. Big time. Like Titanic big time and we could probably attribute that failure to many things, but let’s just chalk it up to the fact that we were young and foolish. Our naive blogging. It’s so three months ago.
Anyway, we’ve decided to try this thing out again with one minor change: What if we showed you crazy sh*t?
Sound good, Party Parents? Let’s dive in…
1. The Boyfriend Pillow – It’s the Best Part of the Human!
You may as well call this thing the “Husband Pillow” and come right out with it.
Just think, you’d never have to curl up with aloneness again. This “companion pillow” as they call it, is probably very comforting but something just doesn’t sit right with me. For example, if I weren’t alerted beforehand, I might just go all crazysauce on my wife — noticing an arm around her as I walked in through the door. That would be a nice heart attack every night. Apparently, they have a girlfriend pillow too.
Maybe it’s not so bad.
If you want to buy one of these things: GO AHEAD
2. Toilet Coffee Mug – Shi*tty Coffee Starts Here
I’m no connoisseur of café.
My father drank at least 3-5 cups a day. The guy loved it. And that’s probably the reason I never tried a cup of the stuff before my son was born. I figured I would avoid that foul tasting, alluringly scented liquid magic.
Fast forward almost 3 years and I love it. Still, I’m no cacao bean sommelier, but I love the smell and feel of coffee. I don’t drink even a quarter of the amount my dad did, but I know my crappy coffee from my good coffee.
But would I drink it out of a toilet? This gives me pause. After 22 hours of no sleep? Hmmmm… Yes.
Fine, why don’t you buy it and see if you can deal: BUY THE TOILET MUG HERE
3. Roller Buggy – The Mobile Hazard!
Judge not lest ye be judged… right? That’s how it goes?
Well, I alternately love and hate this thing. It’s apparently only a prototype but I know how many times I used to fall as a sponsored skateboarder in San Francisco. My shins and ankles have the scars to prove it. But with a baby on board? The Order of the Broken Wrist becomes the Fraternity of the Criminally Insane.
I just don’t trust it. Now, do I think it’s a cool idea and would I want to try it with an older child? Hell yes. But that’s my problem. Let’s not try it with an infant. Does everything need to be wheeled around? Can’t we just walk around anymore? Come on!
Learn more about this contraption: GO HERE, AND START SCREAMING
And now today’s BONUS ROUND!
I want to junkpunch this dude for so many reasons, there wouldn’t be enough electronic paper to fill up all my concerns.
It would go something like this:
INT. KITCHEN – DAY
Charlie and his wife saunter up to Bro-Dude with a milk carton duct-taped to his remarkably unhairy chest while he holds a frightened baby.
Yo, buuuuuuddddyy. What’s up, duder?
Can my wife hold your baby for a second?
Sure, man. I was just gonna play some hackey-sack.
Bro-Dude hands baby to Charlie’s wife. The baby starts cooing immediately. (obviously) No sooner does the hippie hand the baby off when Charlie launches a Mike Tyson uppercut into Bro-Dudes junkal area.
We promise not to make you cry there. In public, at least.
“Instructional” Sounds So Boring
But these Instructional Diagrams are the opposite of boring.