How to Be a Dad

How to Be a Dad

Equipment: Revenge of the Crazy

Posted by , under EQUIPMENT


We used to have an “Equipment” section and it tanked. Big time. Like Titanic big time and we could probably attribute that failure to many things, but let’s just chalk it up to the fact that we were young and foolish. Our naive blogging. It’s so three months ago.

Anyway, we’ve decided to try this thing out again with one minor change: What if we showed you crazy sh*t?

Sound good, Party Parents? Let’s dive in…

1. The Boyfriend Pillow – It’s the Best Part of the Human!

What the hell IS GOING ON HE… Oh, wait. You’re a pillow.

You may as well call this thing the “Husband Pillow” and come right out with it.

Just think, you’d never have to curl up with aloneness again. This “companion pillow” as they call it, is probably very comforting but something just doesn’t sit right with me. For example, if I weren’t alerted beforehand, I might just go all crazysauce on my wife — noticing an arm around her as I walked in through the door. That would be a nice heart attack every night. Apparently, they have a girlfriend pillow too.

Maybe it’s not so bad.

If you want to buy one of these things: GO AHEAD

2. Toilet Coffee Mug – Shi*tty Coffee Starts Here

Who brewed this stuff? This coffee tastes like crap.

I’m no connoisseur of café.

My father drank at least 3-5 cups a day. The guy loved it. And that’s probably the reason I never tried a cup of the stuff before my son was born. I figured I would avoid that foul tasting, alluringly scented liquid magic.

Fast forward almost 3 years and I love it. Still, I’m no cacao bean sommelier, but I love the smell and feel of coffee. I don’t drink even a quarter of the amount my dad did, but I know my crappy coffee from my good coffee.

But would I drink it out of a toilet? This gives me pause. After 22 hours of no sleep? Hmmmm… Yes.

Fine, why don’t you buy it and see if you can deal: BUY THE TOILET MUG HERE

3. Roller Buggy – The Mobile Hazard!

Let’s do a nollie kickflip over those other babies at the park!

Judge not lest ye be judged… right? That’s how it goes?

Well, I alternately love and hate this thing. It’s apparently only a prototype but I know how many times I used to fall as a sponsored skateboarder in San Francisco. My shins and ankles have the scars to prove it. But with a baby on board? The Order of the Broken Wrist becomes the Fraternity of the Criminally Insane.

I just don’t trust it. Now, do I think it’s a cool idea and would I want to try it with an older child? Hell yes. But that’s my problem. Let’s not try it with an infant. Does everything need to be wheeled around? Can’t we just walk around anymore? Come on!

Learn more about this contraption: GO HERE, AND START SCREAMING

And now today’s BONUS ROUND!

I want to junkpunch this dude for so many reasons, there wouldn’t be enough electronic paper to fill up all my concerns.

It would go something like this:

INT. KITCHEN – DAY

Charlie and his wife saunter up to Bro-Dude with a milk carton duct-taped to his remarkably unhairy chest while he holds a frightened baby.

CHARLIE
Hey, brosef!

BRO-DUDE
Yo, buuuuuuddddyy. What’s up, duder?

CHARLIE
Can my wife hold your baby for a second?

BRO-DUDE
Sure, man. I was just gonna play some hackey-sack.

CHARLIE
Oh, rad!

Bro-Dude hands baby to Charlie’s wife. The baby starts cooing immediately. (obviously) No sooner does the hippie hand the baby off when Charlie launches a Mike Tyson uppercut into Bro-Dudes junkal area.

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We promise not to make you cry there. In public, at least.

“Instructional” Sounds So Boring
But these Instructional Diagrams are the opposite of boring.
 

39 Comments

39 Responses to “Equipment: Revenge of the Crazy”

  1. Laura B says:

    The boyfriend/husband pillow is also great for women who want the comfort and support of a mate without the male assuming it is the equivalent to foreplay.

  2. Christina says:

    The Bro-Dude is super creepy…yeah…I’ll go with that word.

    And the only thing that Boyfriend pillow needs is a red end that’s coming out the opposite sleeve. Than you can come around the corner and laugh that a Velociraptor just killed your wife’s new boyfriend…

  3. Monica says:

    I want to not only hit the Bro-Dude but any idiot willing to put an infant in the Roller-Buggy. I am cool with someone doing something stupid when it is just them but why do we have to get the babies involved in that?!?!

  4. MotherDuck says:

    I think bro-dude may be my brother.

  5. faunce says:

    dudebro, awesome

  6. hahahahahahahahahahaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa.

    And no, I would not drink diahreaahhhhhh (sp?) out of a toilet cup. That’s yucky.

  7. Laurie says:

    That last one just really creeps me out..I am the type of person that can’t function in the morning without coffee, and if that was the last mug on earth I don’t think I could drink coffee out of it…I was actually shocked that was a real link and they actually sell those..wow!

  8. mae says:

    WTF is Justin Guarinni doing with a milk carton duct taped to his nipple? Also, Why the hell did I click on this before making dinner?!?? I SHOULD KNOW BETTER.

  9. Does the boyfriend hand vibrate? Because well… then yeah, I wouldn’t need an actual human. Like, ever.

    • charlie says:

      It does not vibrate, to my knowledge, but if there’s anyone who could affix a device to the hand or retrofit something for it, it would be you.

  10. Ammon says:

    These all look like things you would either see available for sale (but should never buy) in SkyMall or in Japan.

  11. stacey says:

    CHARLIE
    Can my wife hold your baby for a second?

    BRO-DUDE
    Sure, man. I was just gonna play some hackey-sack.

    CHARLIE
    Oh, rad!

    This just about made me start crying from laughter. I also think that the Mike Tyson junkal uppercut should be taught in self defense classes. Thank you for another funny post Charlie!

  12. DSP Dixie says:

    LOVE this! Hilarious. Great writing and perfect for Dads all around!

  13. The “Real Doll” is the girlfriend pillow. :)

    All of these products remind of the shit that the unbelievably hilarious woman Helen Killer features on Regretsy.com – Where DIY Meets WTF.

    I love the Mike Tyson example. Me personally, I think I’d roll with the Street Fighter 2 Dhalsim super punch that starts at the ground and works it’s way through the target into the sky.

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