5 Reasons Why I Would KILL in the Hunger Games
Please don’t touch me, Caesar Flickerman. Your hair scares the sh*t out of me.
Let’s be honest, I would be the perfect Tribute (AKA contestant) in a real-life Hunger Games.
I know. This is “How To Be A Dad” and not “How To Be a Teenage Homicidal Maniac”, but I have to tell you: I HAVE WHAT IT TAKES TO WIN SURVIVE. And not just because I don’t like people very much. No, it’s much more than that.
In fact, I think there are a good number of you parents reading this who might discover you’re ready for this competitive, televised survival game based on the abilities you’ve earned.
Let me prove it.
1. SPEED
Just ask my wife. She’ll tell you I finish faster than anyone. Quickness like bunny. Hands down. Or up. My pacing is unmatched. I’m faster than everyone. At everything. If you ask me to take out the trash, I will say “no” with such speed it will appear that I didn’t even say anything or acknowledge your existence. Because, I’m just that fast.
2. SKILLS
Let’s say the terrain is rough and uneven. Easy. Have you ever had to slink ninja-like through rooms in complete darkness littered with sharp and obnoxiously loud toys? I don’t want to brag but I also change a diaper like a pro. With my eyes closed. One-handed. When they’re hurling giant fireballs or those weird “Trackerjacker” birds are trying to ejaculate deadly serum into me, I’d just be whistling “That’s Elmo’s World.” Other helpful parenting skills: the ability to tune out sounds. My son can be pretty damn whiny and I can withstand it about 95% of the time. If President Snow tried to brainwash me, I’d be more resilient than the average Joe.
3. SURVIVAL INSTINCTS
I’m not saying I’m a cold-blooded murderer, but one time some other dad-friends (yes, when you become a parent you start categorizing them) debated what they would do if someone assaulted their kids or worse. They all spoke about inflicting pain but I revealed that no one would ever find the body and they’d never see it coming when I ripped out their voice box to avenge whatever theoretically was done to my son. With fatherhood comes great responsibility to kick some ass.
4. SLEEP RESISTANCE
A major component to Panem’s Hunger Games is sleep-deprivation. Everyone is so freaked out that someone is going to kill them that they force themselves to stay awake for long periods of time and then fall asleep at the worst possible moment. Katniss, are you listening right now? As a parent, I am immune to sleep. Sleep and I, well, we’re not on speaking terms. Sleep was excommunicated long ago. You know what? F*ck you, sleep.
5. PRIORITIES
There are certain things that are more important than mere survival. If I were Katniss, I’d have things better prioritized. I would be concentrating on baking Peeta’s bread if you know you what I mean. Kneading his dough. Whatever. Crazy teenage virgin with gallons of hormones racing through her? The least she could do is play with his breadsticks or something. The dude saved her family. Also, walking around with a loaded gun knowing I may never get a chance to bone up on… boning, I’m no good to anyone. Although I am used to that pent up sexual aggression.
So, there you have it. Put me in the Games, coach. I’ll run faster, adapt better and go to third base like the wind.
What about you? Do you have any skills or knowledge as a parent that would help you rise to the top of The Hunger Games?
Post Script: The Hunger Games opened this morning at 12AM and had already sold out (in pre-sales) bigger than any non-sequel before it. Insanity.
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48 Responses to “5 Reasons Why I Would KILL in the Hunger Games”
I’m ready Charlie! Bring it on!! If they have beavers and/or maple syrup, you are as good as gone! I will need to stop midway to deal with my Hunger Pangs though, I’m not a young guy anymore and get hungry at weird times…
I get hungry at the weird times too. WTH!
Gee, thanks for referring to “It’s Elmo’s World” in your post. Now I have that freaking song stuck in my head. Again.
Good luck getting that out of your head. I suggest a crowbar and the subsequent “nap” following its use.
Here’s another one: FEAR. As a mom, I have experienced explosive diarrhea, projectile vomiting and was even in the room right next to where they gave my son his circumcision. Go ahead. Do your best to freak me out. I. Ain’t. Scared.
You forgot the last part “… of no ghost.” It’s true I am simultaneously more worried and less afraid after I became a dad.
My best asset would be my ability to hide. Have you ever tried to read a book when you have 2 kids and a wife? Try it sometime, and see how long it takes for everyone to jump in your lap and tell you to do the dishes. I’ve perfected the art of hiding in order to actually read a chapter or two every once in awhile. I’m able to accomplish that in a 1300 square foot house. You throw me into a 50 acre jungle setting, and you’ll never see me again.
You’d be the scariest, coolest dad on the block. Am I right?
I would agree with that. I got a sudden impression of ice cream sandwichs and pizza boxes whistling out of the closest shrubbery and all the other kids going, “WTH!?” and Military Dad’s kids going, “Oh, its all good. Thats just my dad.”
Iv’e tried to understand how this is a young adult subject? Young adult writing, sure, subject, not so much. Mind you i haven’t read it, and am just going by plot outlines, so I could be missing something.
gist of it:
world is pooched.
a bunch of districts that are poor exist.
they are lorded over by the big city.
every year there is a competition.
it’s teenagers fighting to the death.
As punishment to the districts for something 74 years ago.
No reward as best I understand.
Yea…
Anyway, it’s got death and destruction and special effects out the butt. It will make a killing in the theaters. (see what I did there)
It’s a pretty brutal series. But if you want REALLY brutal, go watch Battle Royale. It’s a Japanese movie that came out 12 years ago and is basically THE EXACT SAME PREMISE. Yikes.
Anti-war messages much?
This is my gist on the subject too. I dont really see how this is appropriate for young adults even if it is “fiction”….
Have you read the books Rachel?
No just what I have read on wiki. I dont see the appeal of kids killing each other for entertainment.
I don’t know. I have seen quite a few teenagers at the mall that I wouldn’t mind seeing on a deathmatch type show…
In the end, it’s probably a better young adult theme than twilight… Fawn over someone who could eat you, cause problems with another guy that could eat you, have glow baby. At least hunger games has an honor-play and strength of character concepts.
I would read them. They are fairly brutal but more emotionally than from a violence perspective. The author takes her time to show you what it means to lose and be part of a broken system. That people, who want to do right, must make sacrifices that go well beyond their expectation.
Wow, I can’t believe I’ve finally found someone else who’s seen Battle Royale! That was an insanely awesome/grotesque movie! It really made me think of what I would do to survive and protect family, if it came down it. Also, for a such a GORY,blood drenched film, it didn’t have that bad of a plot. Blood AND a plot, YEY!
Oh are you kidding? I have the awesome super ability to do this now: Good enough.
I don’t care what it is, what time of day or task. I can get it *just* to the acceptable level and move on to the next 400 tasks before anyone else has even figured out what it is we were supposed to be doing.
yeah, that’s good enough.
“good enough” almost alway results in “better than” in my experience.
Seconded.
I second Braindonkey.
You’ve inspired me to write my own post on this subject because it’s just a lot of fun. You can check it out here: http://militarydadblog.com/post/19737422100/5-reasons-why-i-would-win-the-hunger-games. I left plenty of links back to this post because it really is awesome and sharing is caring.
Rad. I’ll go check it out.
First, I would definitely be able to handle the sleep deprivation aspect, albeit probably sobbing silently to myself while I tracked down my enemies, but I can survive on 2-3 hrs of sleep a day. Also, after a 2-3 day span of no sleep my great berserker rage would bubble to the surface and that would help me subdue and crush my enemies.
Secondly, I am pretty handy with a needle and not squeamish at all! I can handle puss and gaping wounds so making an alliance with me would be prudent so that I can mend your wounds.
Last but not least, my dad was a Shriner clown and a make up fanatic, so I feel like my camouflaging skills would be pretty adept.
This series made me cry at least 3 times. I can’t wait to see the translation to the big screen! I know people say that this series is too gruesome for young teens but as a person growing up reading Stephen King and watching Nightmare on Elm street and John Carpenter’s The Thing plus a million other gory movies, I say kids need to see something that makes them jump, it’s fun! Is it a bad thing if reading a series like this gets them thinking about what life would be like if we lived in a totalitarian government?
My 13 yr old niece didn’t seem to damaged after she finished this series. She is actually reading a young adult zombie series that goes into gory detail about eviscerated teens. She also finished the twilight series where the baby eats its way out of Bella’s womb… Just sayin’ a dose of gross is good for the soul.
So, you really haven’t thought this through, have you?
My husband and I read the series together so we couldn’t help but figure out what our strengths might be if we were drawn for the slaughter. We are way into martial arts movies and anime too so I guess our fantasy is as a kick ass supportive duo! Like the Parents of the girl in the Thai Movie, Chocolate. Even injured, the mom fights at the back of the dad, and they make a deadly team!
So badass. BADASS.
Um… trackerjackers aren’t birds. They’re like wasps. Cuz that’s what’s important to notice here, right?
exactly.
Same goes for you Meggan!
Emily, the whole reason I wrote birds was so fanatics like you would take umbrage. Mission Accomplished.
just finished reading it last night. just the first one. so fresh in my mind! glad to play right into your game
You are my little pawn on this blog!
Pretty sure any dad would own at a real “The Hunger Games” scenario. And I have to point out that the uncanny ability to tune out a child’s whine is applicable to a wife’s harping. I only say this because my husband shares this ability.
Fact. They do seem to have the same position on the harmonic scale.
First, Love this post and the books. Can not wait to see the movie. I loved that these books didn’t concentrate on the killings. You don’t know how most die and she was quick to get past most of the details.
I doubt I would be very good at the hunger games. It is one thing to want to hurt or kill someone threatening your family but these kids didn’t do anything but want to survive. I would be the person before the games trying to convince everyone that if we don’t kill each other, we can all try to survive as a team. (and then when the capital tries something, I push everyone in front of me)But I would try to get everyone together first, obviously.
So, you’re saying your be diplomatic and group-oriented so long as you could also send that group to their death? Sounds logical. ::calling your family now::
I wouldn’t want to send anyone to their death, but if the capital were then going to come after us, I might stay as far in the pack as possible. =)
Now if my family were there, I would be in the front defending them with everything I have.
Yeah. It’s a tough situation all around. We’re not quite there yet. YET.
Charlie, I’m with you. Firmly believe I’d turn into a cold-blooded killer with no remorse if it meant getting home to my kid. No sweat. Also – Hunger Games selling out…in pre-sales bigger than any non-sequel before it? That’s awesome. I bought one of those!
Your first three sentences – YES.
It’s pretty crazy to think of these books as the phenomenon they have become. I’m hopeful but not overly optimistic. I read all of the books in the space of a week.
You finish fast at “everything”? In some situations, that’s not a good thing! hahaha! Your skills at crossing a dark room full of scattered toys is to be admired.. I somehow manage to hit every toy in broad daylight! And Charlie… your priorities are crazy!!! Sure… get it on in a cave with a rock hard floor and an infected nasty thigh wound… makes sense to me *sarcasm* All that aside… I would be pitiful in the hunger games, and other than the misguided libido, you would kick my @ss
You’re telling me? I’m not proud of the fact that I’m a fast finisher. I wrote a post about it here: http://bit.ly/workoutdad since you’re so interested in that facet of my life.
My priorities are DEAD ON. I’m not dying without a little carnal understanding, dammit. And my misguided libido may just save someone’s life. If only my own. For that 15 seconds. Because that’s all I got.
I could totally survive with my superior multitasking skill to kill someone while I track another and cook my dinner over a campfire at a blink of an eye.
I’d make a great contestant in the Hunger Games. I couldn’t even brave the lines to wait to see the movie this afternoon. Much less survive the first night against such Epic powers described above.
How about mommy death-grip? No one can break that grip, dammit. Use it to snap a couple of arms, steal/keep weapons, climb through the trees… so many applications.
I’m an expert at scavenging food and eating on the run, most meals are taken in small spurts while standing or chasing a sticky child. And what parent hasn’t eaten questionable items found on highchairs or the floor because you *still* haven’t eaten dinner? Same thing as scavenging on the forest floor. I laugh in the face of food spoilage and poisoning.
My aim is much improved from throwing toys in the bin for quick clean up (and from rage quit) – I bet I could launch a rock or pine cone with deadly accuracy.
And sleep is for sissies.
I would want to come from your district… I would totally send you tools and medicine. No food because thats all mine. Plus, you said that you had master level scavenging skills.
I have lots of Mommy SuperPowers!! But my top 3:
Determination! I pushed out a 10.1 pound baby in 30 mins.
I can go long periods without sleep or food.
I have no problem dealing with blood and guts.