I Admit It
To say parenting isn’t easy is to describe cleaning up elephant dung as “slightly aerobic.”
The hefty number of tasks we face on our To-Don’t list is a bit staggering but combined with the politics we navigate just being in a relationship (or as/more challenging, single parenting), it’s incredible that we don’t routinely fail more often.
I realized this weekend that I need to confess to something about myself as a parent, something (I’m certain) NO ONE else does in the process of raising children.
Sometimes, I like to swoop in when my son is at his worst, like some noble hero to save the day.
PREFACE OF PREFERENCE
A child’s parent preference is so complex not even Bobby Fischer could predict their decision-making strategy. One minute you’re cool, the next you’re witnessing fingers making slashing movements across their tiny throats, looking you dead in the eye. It’s just one of those things about being a parent, I guess. Which is code for, who the f*ck knows why it happens. And I’ve been on the business end of the “go-away” gun plenty. My son likes to cry bloody murder and scream for his mama. He wails in public places that like he hates me. At first, it really messed with my mind, but eventually I started treating it as a reaction as opposed to an admission.
Finn, obviously drunk on Dad’s expert baby-wearing. Or maybe it’s just St. Patrick’s Day.Here’s the part where I could gloss things over about my shortcomings, but I’m not gonna. I’d be dishonest if I didn’t mention that there were times when I got slight satisfaction from walking up, as Finn squawked and screeched with his mama, and solving the problem. Now, before we get too far, and you think this is some sort of douchebragging, I want to explain a bit. I don’t get enjoyment over one-upping my spouse. You know, besides the arguments when I know I’m right. Besides the arguments when I know I’m wrong and she concedes anyway due to my horrible stubbornness. Besides the… alright, fine. I’m an a-hole, okay?
CASE IN POINT
A few nights ago, Finn was doing his normal “I’m-Tired” terrorism routine which usually consists of flopping on the floor crying, screaming like a rage sausage. Maybe he’ll be tall enough to use these talents out on a future NBA court? My wife was attempting to corral him into the bathroom to do his nightly bath. She had the thing decked out. Bubbles. Toys. A newly-mounted LED flat-screen playing Lion King above the tub. Well, maybe not that last one, but she may as well have… Regardless, the guy was fully nuclear. You have to admire him for it, which is easy to say when it’s not happening to you.
I finished a phone call and swooped upstairs hearing the distress, much like Batman, and looked around. “What’s happening, Finn?” I pretended I had no idea. He looked like he had just been given bad news about his cancer results while he watched his entire family burn in a barn fire and his toys were stolen. Simultaneously.
“I know Mom is walking you to school, but Spiderdad will be right behind you, son.” Image by EneasSitting on the sink being accosted by his mama, he looked me deep in the eyes and pleaded, “Dada.” She tried to brush his teeth. He wouldn’t budge. I sauntered over to the counter by my towel-wrapped son. He clasped his arms around me. I told him it would be okay and we finished up.
My wife does an incredible job as a parent. She is a highly compassionate person, if to a fault. And Finn is lucky to have her. Really. So, it makes no sense when I jump into the mix and make her feel like an idiot. It’s part of the insipid game-play that is co-parenting. When things lock up working with a child, having an exterior influence can be helpful. A change of parenting pace. Just make sure you don’t whisper to them, “Mama is so mean, isn’t she? She doesn’t love you like I do.”
That would be wrong.
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39 Comments
39 Responses to “I Admit It”
Screaming like a rage sausage…I LOVE THAT and it will now be part of my lexicon. Thank you!
Glad to be of service. It’s the least I can do.
From the mom’s perspective:
I am always the one taking care of my son, it’s not that my husband doesn’t want to (maybe a little b/c he prefers to play with him than do the whole bath and clean up routine) or that he can’t (cuz he does a great job) but I am the one that does the majority of it. Sometimes, my son wants to throw a fit and he needs his daddy and sometimes I am very grateful for that break, other times it does kinda break my heart a bit when I don’t seem to be able to make him happy. But the moments always come when he prefers mommy to daddy and that always helps (my selfish moments). Sometimes I am so happy to have my son go to his daddy if just so I can have 5 minutes to compose myself again. I don’t know how single parents do it.
We have a very evenly divided desire to parent. I’m not going to toot my own horn and say I am the iconic hands-on parent, but I’m probably, honestly, in the top 5-10% of involved dads. I made that my mission when I found out my wife was pregnant.
These days work and my other activities (damn, you blogging) take up a lot of time. But Im not backed-off of raising my son. It’s better to be involved.
So, all that being said, I think when you make an honest effort to be involved and things go south, it hurts worse when the other parent comes in and “saves the day.”
My thoughts exactly. I’m a very involved dad. Have been from the beginning. I feel it’s my job to make up for the “dead-beat dads” out there, and prove that we’re not all like that. That being said, I’ve been on the receiving end of the dagger through the heart more than once. Even though you know it’s nothing personal on the child’s part, it doesn’t make it hurt any less in the moment. You do everything you can to fix the situation yourself, and the other parent is the only thing that can make it better.
So awesome to hear, Brad. It’s the price we pay I guess. I think, with this post, I was trying to say that my dickheadedness (made up two new words today!) stems from my faulting her somehow or in some way. It’s not right of me.
But in the end, we do the best we can and be there for our children, and hopefully the other parent…
I can also say that for me anyway, since I carried him for 9 months, I feel like that bond of actually being connected should mean that I can always give him what he needs, but sometimes a boy (or girl) just needs daddy. I know it doesn’t mean he loves one of us more than the other. I usually try to point out how awesome daddy is but I don’t feel like daddy talks about how awesome mommy is and that hurts some too.
I always say that for just one day, I’d love to be the daddy.
Though not the penis and balls part.
You + penis + balls = scary thought.
In some ways, I think you are the dad sometimes, no? Which definition?
…even worse is swooping in and saving the day with your friends’ children. “Come on kid, tell ‘uncle’ Matty what your terrible parents are up to.”
Yeah, that’s going into a new area altogether.
My grandma used to say to me in whispers, “You know I love you more than anyone, right?” Dangerous ground.
I totally do this, too, except I save my husband from our almost-tweener girl.
Turnabout is fair play?
Just wait, Charlie. Just wait.
WHAT THE HELL DOES THAT MEAN?? ::SHAKING IN MY CONVERSE::
I just comfort myself that I only had one and thus can’t be outnumbered.
Ha, I don’t worry about swooping in to save the day (or be saved!) I like to sic the kids on Daddy.
Kid: *whining about something I won’t give her*
Me: “Awwww Mommy is mean, isn’t she? Guess you better go hang out with Daddy- he’s much nicer!”
/snicker
You’re throwing poopy grenades??
We’ve never done that either…
I love it when my husband comes in and saves the day. It takes so much energy to be compassionate and loving all the time when our child is having a complete meltdown. It’s so nice when it finally STOPS! I don’t care how it happens and frankly if my husband comes in and saves the day, it means I can take a rest and get away from it! So long as he doesn’t say, ‘Mummy is so mean, isn’t she?’ I might have to whack him if he says anything like that!
Well, that’s the thing. Who really cares who handles the kid as long as it helps. It’s all the other crap that comes along with it.
*cough* @ the “Mommy doesn’t love you like I do” bit…
My husband, since the 3 year old could talk, has been teaching him to say “Daddy rocks, Mommy not.” In total fun just to pick on mommy, of course =p I get so many butterfly kisses, I can take it.
Last time he did it, the kid parroted back “Daddy Rocks, Mommy rocks.” SOOOO proud of him =D
Lol.. a little tit for tat using kids? We’re not above that.
I bet your wife appreciates when you step in. I know I appreciate the moments when either of our children refuse to do something for me and my husband just takes over and it all goes smoothly. I’d rather him rock and me suck, then deal with the whining and crying and rage sausage. best description of an overtired toddler EVER.
I think frustrated carrot is what your child becomes when you first make the woeful mistake of acknowledging ANY level of toddler tiredness, PERIOD…
I can see how parental preference could sting when you only have one kid; but for the most part, when the crying kid screams for one of us, the other is like “Yesss!”
You and your twins. Damn you, man.
Confessions like this by guys like you make me less apt to punch my darling hubster in the beans when this kind of thing happens in our home.
The nonchalant Dad Save when he’s been home for 7 seconds, at a point where nothing I’ve been able to do for the past 12 hours (which likely included ice cream, crafts, dance party, sports, playgrounds, Wii, crafts, and quite possibly even jellybeans) is resonating as “fair” and my kids are explaining to me in gesticulations & wails as to how I am a failure as a parent…well, this can be frustrating to me.
So, thank you for bringing this admission out into the open. My beloved’s delicate beans appreciate it.
RAGE SAUSAGE!!!! Love it!
Thanks!!!
I’ve been on both sides of that fence a plenty. I’m a stay-at-home dad, and after dealing with 2 kids (1 3yr old, 1 4mo old)or even 1 all day and 2 part of the day (yay playschool!) I can appreciate your wife’s feelings. I know I am both frustrated when my wife swoops in to take over as well as overjoyed. The hour or two before the toddler goes to bed is the most exhausting time of my day–especially when the wife works late and isn’t home until the little guy is in bed (or, you know, supposed to be in bed…). There are also times when the roles are switched. You are right, its totally random. My wife is an amazing mom, and I love her to death, but it does give me a small amount of satisfaction when, after a hair-pulling, teeth grinding day of stubborn toddlerness the little guy says “No mama, I want Daddy to read me stories before bed.”
As a mom doing it all alone, I’m totally jealous of both of you for this tantrum tango act of yours.
In general our 8 month old prefers me, but just this morning my son saw him start to walk out of the living room and cried reaching out to him.
My husband’s smile was so big! “You actually want me more!” his said to our son.
To me it is nice that he can swoop in and be the super hero. I have been waiting for it, because till now it always had to be me, and I felt a little guilty for it.
I remember my husband doing this a bit when our daughter was a few months old. At first, it stung and I would cry- she hates meeeee! Then I got over it and would nap/eat/bathe/BREATHE and leave him to his daddyness. Now, it’s 50/50 but he’s still more fun than mommy since he feeds her ice cream for lunch (grumble).
this level of douchebaggery is how you get your kid to love you. It’s all a battle to see who can get more love before 13. Because, at 13, I get the impression it’s a contest to see who can go longest without strangling the kid. So you need to do whatever it takes to gain as much love credit as possible. Damn the torpedos, just mow the wife over.
Oh wait, that’s not what Im supposed to say is it?
I have found that at least with my daughter its a 3 week cycle. I am AWESOME for 3 weeks, and then I could drop dead for all she cares and mommy is AWESOME. a month ago I posted about her favorite word being daddy http://braindonkey.com/2012/02/20/ashley-says-my-favorite-word-is-daddy/ . Today i heard, “leave me alone” about 20 times in an hour and I was just trying to talk to her. Did i rub it in a little last month? You Betcha. Am I now getting “HAW HAW” from wife? You betcha.
But the hard part is no accidentally contradicting each other to allow a kid-win. Like asking for candy, one says no so the kid ask the other who says yes.
Swooping in for the save though? Spouse should learn to be happy with the resultant calm. At least thats what I keep telling my wife when Ashley’s favorite word saves the day.
There’s a metric crap-ton of this going on at our place. Our daughter will have her nightly meltdown routine following dinner and a bath and mommmy and I try to tag team this. I’ll get things rolling by plucking our precocious little mess of babbling and goofiness and take her to her bedroom once her bath is done. I’ll dress her for night-night, fix her little bed, give her a small snack and drink and turn on a show for her (the noise helps her sleep). Once I leave the room she’ll be fine for a bit. Then hell’s maw opens and she comes running out screaming about invisible bugs, dragons or something equally terrifying. Mommy rushes in to save her but she needs daddy because “daddy is bigger” and can thwart these evil beings in a way mommy just can’t. Enter daddy, exit evil. Other times during the day our daughter will just go ballistic over the fact that there’s air in her hair and only mommy can comfort her. Daddy protects and mommy comforts. They’re roles we don’t mind having and though I’m a teeny jealous I can’t be the comforter and my wife would like trying to be the protector as long as the peace is kept we don’t mind.
This is the beauty of a two-parent household for us. This is an active strategy we use. All. The. Time.
A child is defying a parent. He is cornered. He knows he has to capitulate but he will be damned if he wants to give in parent 1.
In comes parent 2 and he can go along with 2 without losing face because he didn’t give in to 1. Its giving your child a graceful way to back down without seeming like he is backing down. It’s beautiful, I tell ya.
I have the luxury of having a very involved husband. Sometimes I need a break because I have “teh b00bz” (that’s trademarked) and therefore my daughter will usually default to wanting me around.
There will be times where he is trying to do something for her and then she has a meltdown where I will swoop in and say something to the effect of, “Momma will take care of it” and perhaps that demeans everything my husband does–which I do feel terrible for–but it’s so much easier since she will about 99% of the time want me to snuggle up to.
I know that this will drastically change once she’s older. Girls always love their fathers when they get older. Thus, I must capitalize on this while I can.
I sincerely hope that you had the good sense to follow all of this nonsense with bringing your beautiful wife a glass of wine and something chocolate, and that you then rubbed her back and told her what a fantabulous mom she is while she consumed said items. Because otherwise you could foster a bit of resentment there.