How to Be a Dad

How to Be a Dad

50 Ways to Nudge Your Lover (Part 1 of 5)

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50 Ways to Nudge Your Lover


 
WARNING: Some of this is naughty and crude — but along with being romantic and amazing, sex can be naughty and crude. If you doubt that, have your lover hold a mirror up so you can see your own face the next time you have an orgasm. So, please don’t get all faint-of-heart or ranty when reading this, you can exit at any time you start feeling woozy or self-righteous.


 

Every couple will run into a situation when it’s been a while since the time to get it on was… gotten on. Or when one of you is just feeling like the getting really needs to get gotten on ASAP. This is especially true for couples with kids. When they’ve lost that lovin’ feelin’ or at least their kid’s misplaced it for a good long while, along with the remote and their second set of car keys.

Here’s the problem. Who doesn’t feel boring and businesslike saying, “let’s have sex tonight,” right? It sounds too much like scheduling an overdue oil change for the car. (Unintentional metaphor alert!) So, I’ve created a series of 5 posts presenting a total of 50 different ideas to nudge your lover, to let them know you’re in the mood for loving each other’s brains out, all night long.

Here are the first 10:

Passionista
 

#1 Passionista

Show your arousal at the most boring article of clothing she’s wearing. Breathe deeply at the sight of her rainboots, lick your lips like a hungry wolf when she a ties her hair up in a tattered scrunchy. The plainer the item the more outstanding your desperate desire will be to her.
 

Oysters for preparing for great sex
 

#2 Training

If she sees you exercising, eating oysters and glugging vitamin E like a mad man, she’ll get the hint about what Olympic event you’re trying to score gold in.
 

god of wine wine and sex
 

#3 Use a Greek God

Wine. Dionysus is the God of not just wine, but also ritual madness and ecstasy. Which sounds a lot like sex to me. Small wonder, eh? Get a great bottle (or case) of wine and see if something pagan starts to happen.
 

Sexting bow chicka wow wow
 

#4 Sexting

Hey, it’s a digital world now. So…

Wife: Can you bring the laundry up when you get home?
Hubby: Your scent makes me wild.
Wife: The laundry fragrance?
Hubby: No, YOUR scent is intoxicating! I want to ravage you.
Wife: Uh, have you been drinking heavily?

 

Diamonds are forever, sex is 10-15 minutes
 

#5 Precious Deals

This one’s expensive, but sometimes you need a strong offer for the lady. Look here. On average, sexual intercourse only lasts about ten to fifteen minutes. But, we all know how long diamonds last, right? Such a deal!
 

Play Barry White so you can get enough of her love, babe
 

#6 Barry White

iPod, CD player, cassette tape, 8-track, it doesn’t matter. This will send the message that you’re not “gettin’ enough of her love, babe”!
 

steal all of her clothes empty closet
 

#7 Clothing Bandit

This one is a lot of work so make sure to pace yourself so you’ve got enough gas left in the tank to take her to Funky Town. When she’s in the shower, take all of her clothes out of the closets and drawers and hide them. When she comes out and starts toward the dresser, start whistling innocently and let it play out however it will.
 

Sexual Chocolate Green M&Ms urban legend
 

#8 Sexual Chocolate

M&Ms. They say the green ones make you horny. It’s just an urban legend, but give your loveykins a jar of just the green ones or cover the bed in them. If that doesn’t register for her, maybe what they say about chocolate being an aphrodisiac is true.
 

Games to get in the mood
 

#9 Let the Games Begin

Rather that watching the regular show you two probably watch, suggest something more intereactive. Like Spin the Bottle, Strip Poker, Nasty Twister, The Dirty Hokey Pokey, or Nude Monopoly. Remember, no one ever finishes Monopoly, sooooo… you’re very likely to pass Go and get a chance to build a hotel in her Park Place. (Wink wink!)
 

postit notes sex
 

#10 Office Supplies

If you take something lame (like a PostIt note message about having sex) and multiply it by 1,000, it is no longer lame.
 

Since I’m a man, these are written from a man’s perspective, but they work for both sexes, mostly. And since I’m dumb, they’re written from that perspective as well.

-Andy

Andy is not a qualified or accredited sexologist or provider of romantic advice. Please do not listen to him or blame him, if you do, for any bad consequences that come from following his advice.

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Instructional Diagrams
These would all be better if they were in a pop-up book. But they’re still good.
 

96 Comments

96 Responses to “50 Ways to Nudge Your Lover (Part 1 of 5)”

  1. Bullgrit says:

    Oh damn, that’s good stuff! I’m thinking, if any one of these has a 10% chance of working, it’s worth trying. And if I try all 10 at one time, that’s 100%, right? I am going to be the love god!

  2. Braindonkey says:

    Lol at clothing bandit. I might have to try that one. Our house has become purely business. “hey, you want to have sex soon?” or the even better,..
    Wife: I’m bored
    Me: yea. We could have sex.
    Wife: sure. Something to do.
    Me: the enthusiasm is overwhelming.
    Wife: take it or leave it.

    • Andy says:

      You have been tape recording my wife and me. Please stop. ;)

      • Braindonkey says:

        I completely forgot. Use a code word. Used to be Sodor. “baby, want to go to Sodor tonight?” Now it’s Bondor. “I want Bondor”

        • Andy says:

          Ha ha! Quality! We’ve got code words too. But the funny thing is, Lizzie kinda blows the cover of them by smacking my arm or gasping. Ha ha! Kinda gives it away. (sigh) She’s so cute.

          • Braindonkey says:

            Yea. the “over reaction ‘tell’” is a big issue here as well. But more for things like surprises that get discovered, or accidents. Ashley could smash her face on a pile of nails and won’t cry. Unless of course mommy gasps.

            Must Break Wives Of Emotion!!!!!

    • Jill says:

      Beige….I think we should paint the ceiling beige.

  3. Monica says:

    I can not wait for the rest of the ideas. So cute and funny. Love them all.

    • Andy says:

      YAY! I got to over 40 of them written and realized it would be the most massive post ever and decided to break it up. I told Charlie that if this one tanked, the world would be left wondering what the rest were.

      So, THANK YOU and be on the look out for the future installments!

  4. Lizzie says:

    I think this post is hint enough for me…he,he! ;)

  5. Laura says:

    Are you sure you aren’t a professional? Mass PostIts sounds exactly like the precursor to an incredible time.

  6. ZoE says:

    Take it from a Greek wife, #’s 3 and 4 work quite well. Just sayin’ :)

  7. Scott says:

    Hilarious.
    I’m trying these at the same time. LMAO
    1,3,4,6,8,10.

    10 will be tricky as my oldest kids is starting to read everything she sees and both kids are always in and out of my room. I know my wife will Laugh hysterically.

    Can’t wait for the nest posts. Of course, not that I need help or anything (cough,cough)

  8. Kitty says:

    As a female, I concur with andy’s assessment. These are situationally appropriate, dumb and totally effective. :D

  9. Elizabeth says:

    Here’s a thought from the woman perspective. That will totally blow all of these out of the water. If your wife stays home with the kids all day, when you get home tell her to go take a shower and shave her legs and everywhere else and wash her hair. Feeling human again after being spit up on and puked on and sneezed on and who knows what else all day long will leave her feeling sexy again. And well you know what happens when your wife finally feels sexy again. ;)

  10. Kit says:

    oh this is AWESOME!!! I think i’m going to bookmark this series just to refer back to for inspiration on keeping it new and different! :o) Can’t wait for the next installment!

  11. Anwen says:

    Green M&Ms on cream bed sheets? I think I’d go nuts (not in a good way!)

    • Andy says:

      They melt in your mouths, not on your bed sheets? Ha ha! Yeah, Lizzie would gasp with awe and love and then she’d probably set herself to cleaning and grumbling.

  12. Dave says:

    The only way I could pull off the clothing bandit one would be if she took a shower for an HOUR. Otherwise a fine suggestion though!

    • Andy says:

      RIGHT!?! I could pull it off with my wife because her wardrobe is “in transition” still from pregnancy clothes and nursing garb, but when I imagine what this would take for most women’s wardrobes… I start to wonder how they built the pyramids. ;)

  13. Christina says:

    lol.

    Watching the normal show, I must disagree with… Excellent opportunity fore some foreplay action…just be careful with the speed and pace yourself ;)

    Funny but I’ve been the one trying to stoke the fire. Sorry, greeting at the door with beer and potato chips in my birthday suit just doesn’t work these days.

    • Andy says:

      Oh no, that sucks. I’ll make sure to delete the one I had about a doorway greeting with beer and potato chips in one’s birthday suit. Especially because I’m writing from a man’s point of view and no one wants that picture. ;)

  14. Renae says:

    Smart, smart, smart! But, what is the Dirty Hokey Pokey?

    • Andy says:

      The Hokey Pokey is a song and dance game.

      “You put your left leg in! You put your left leg out! You do the Hokey Pokey and you turn yourself around, that’s what it’s all about!” you keep repeating this with your various appendages (naked in this case). I figure by about the 4th or 5th go, you’re going to need to use the appendage related to sex. ;)

  15. I’ve also heard that some people have a Sleep Number Bed “Sex Number” and they send the message by changing the numbers before their partner comes to bed. This is just what I’ve heard…

  16. Stephanie K. says:

    The clothing bandit thing would just piss me off hahaha But the other ones are awesome!! Can’t wait to see the rest!

  17. Laurie says:

    Fantastic, Can’t wait for the rest! I would kill my husband if he ever was the clothing bandit..#4 reminds me of my husband especially the word ravage, that’s one of his favs! Although these conversations don’t occur over text, he actually says those words to me which get weird at times!

  18. Ashly says:

    I have you liked on my FB page, I really love reading your site, even though I’m the MOM. I even went as far as googling a “howtobeamom.com” site, please please ask Lizzie to make one? LOL! Anyhow… I saw this and I showed my husband. Gotta say, we had our daughter 30th August 2009 and lets say the sex boat never made it back home after that ship sailed with her arrival, we’re super in a rut, but we both found the ideas funny and clever, I’m not sure how many would make me annoyed ( chocolate on my white sheets? GTFO!) But the clothing bandit was hilarious, I’m still laughing. Great suggestions, can’t wait for the next installment, you might just be what the “doctor” ordered ;)

    • Andy says:

      (blush!) THANKS!

      P.S. We’re called howtobeadad.com, but we’re for EVERYONE. And I even mean people without kids. You’d be surprised. But it’s not really surprising when you look at the fact that everyone has HAD parents or BEEN a kid. ;)

  19. Christina says:

    My husband is super into the Naked Captain Morgan Stance…with my lap replacing the barrel of rum…

    Oh…and Doctor Love.

    They make me laugh more than turn me on though.

  20. MotherDuck says:

    Growing up in the 80′s it was rammed down my throat via After School Specials that “no means no” and “it’s your body”. Although this was mainly to have girls be stronger when their boyfriends were pressuring them too early for sex, it left me with this viewpoint that men are too sex hungry and that it was up to me to decide when hanky panky was to be had. I’ve been married almost 13 years now to a wonderful man. I have grown to have the viewpoint that men really do show their affection and love through sex and that this is not something to shy away from, just like men shouldn’t shy away from their wives wanting to have a long talk about their relationship. Having this viewpoint and knowing that my husband wants to have sex with me makes me feel much sexier and so we have a lot of it. Plus we make a point of having a date night each week to romance each other. Even if it’s on a Taco Bell budget.

  21. Scott says:

    The wife wanted to watch the Voice. Lol

    #4 got me a “grow up”
    Oblivious to #1
    #10 was a waist of paper

    Do you have part 2 ready. Can’t wait to get
    Rejected more. Lmao.

    • Andy says:

      Ha ha! I did add the disclaimer. ;) I do have the next set ready but it’ll have to wait until I’m next up (2 weeks).

      • Scott says:

        Oh I’m not blaming. Im having a good laugh at this. It’s a new game.
        I think I saw somebody mention the Capt. Morgan pose…that’s next.
        Along with #8, #7 and 6 in the background.

        • Andy says:

          I know. I was just being goofy. ;) Regarding Capt. Morgan + 6, 7 and 8 Ha ha ha ha ha ha! You really can’t go wrong. Unless she blows an O ring laughing. Ha ha!

        • Andy says:

          RAD!!! It really did!?! Ha ha ha ha ha ha! I love it!

          Wow. I just helped a reader have sex! Ha ha ha ha ha! (okay, maybe I did maybe I didn’t but that’s I’m saying when asked) Ha ha ha ha! I’m filing this in some kind of testimonials folder or something!

          =@@= (fist bump)

  22. Josh says:

    Ugh would be nice if it worked since month 7 of pregnancy it feels like I am not ever get any again!

  23. CobyLyn says:

    LOVE the post-it one! An innocent 2 naughty massage is always a winner :D

  24. Scott says:

    What have I started! Now I have to do the Capt. Morgan all the time!

  25. LisaW says:

    Thanks! Now I totally have Eddie Murphy in my head saying “Sexual Chocolate”!! lol.

  26. LOl #7 made me giggle. Great tips :)

  27. Scott says:

    Has anyone heard of Grady Wilson? LMAO

  28. Jessie says:

    I would love a bunch of these from the Wife’s point of view. I need a few ways to get my dear husband in the mood.

    Not sure how many would work on me, would depend on my current state of mind and if the kiddo was asleep or if it was getting close to the end of nap time. But it would be nice if my husband TRIED something to get me in the mood… He hasn’t since the early days of being married. *le sigh*

  29. Simon says:

    Loved #7 – it made me chuckle & want to remove all clothing from the entire house!!

    • Andy says:

      Ha ha! Rad! If you do, just make sure they’re stored folded in a clean place. Kinda ruins the after-sex glow to have to do a ton of laundry and folding. ;)

  30. Momof4point5 says:

    This is another amazing post! First off when I scrolled down to type my comment, it said there were “69 responses to 50 ways to nudge your lover…” Had to LOL—69!!! ;)

    It’s so funny to me that this is an awkward subject to talk about with our spouses…if anyone, we should be able to talk to each other about it…right?? But it is so true…and while reading this, I’ve come to the conclusion that it’s just that simple…STOP TALKING!!! If my hubby realized that I’m his wife and if he is in the mood, he should “bust a move” and not try to talk about it…being a mom of 4 kids and one on the way, I often choose sleep even on my most “in the mood” times…it’s just that simple. If however, I knew he was feeling the same way because he rolled over and cuddled or earlier in the day he grabbed me and stole a kiss and copped a feel, I would be more likely to “leave the light on for him” if you know what I mean. (I am by the way going to have this conversation with him later, as I think it’s super important for him to know instead of having to guess) I also realized that foreplay starts for women (most) outside of the bedroom…it’s grabbing her hand and walking down the sidewalk while your kids run in front of you, it’s a quick neck massage as she’s sitting at her desk checking her email, coming up behind her when she’s cooking and hugging her (not bumping your parts against her ass and saying a line from Austin Powers) and telling her you love her or kissing her neck, etc….by the time you get to the bedroom that night, she’s a bit more warmed up! (or at least I am) and it’s not awkward like it’s your first time all over again! ;) Just my 2cents and cognition as I was reading this post….I LMAO…I love all these ideas, they’re so creative and fun, and keep it light…just had to share my realization on it…I belong to my hubby, so I never want him to feel like he “can’t have me” or feel bad for wanting me, it makes me feel sexy and less like “just a mom/housewife/babymama!” Can’t wait to read the rest of them!!! HA! ;)

    • Andy says:

      Ha ha! It’s sad but true that that number has popped out at me since I learned what it meant as a kid. Very very rad share. All good thoughts, sounds like the right way to think about it all. I’m touched that you drew as much meaning from this post and it resonated for you. ;)

  31. Andy, tell me the truth, are you a virgin.

    I just hadda ask…

    • Andy says:

      Yeah. I’m a virgin and an animatronics master sent from the future to fool you all into thinking my kids are real live human beings! Muhuhahahah!

      But I actually don’t get your joke. Is it because these are weird suggestions?

  32. Chris says:

    I particularly like #10. Multiplying something lame a thousand times makes it no longer lame. But it would take me a long time to hoard all those office supplies from work…

    • Andy says:

      Yeah. I can’t imagine how much work this would be. And, speaking of multiplication, then you’d have to multiply that effort by 2 for cleanup.

  33. Nicolas says:

    Hi,

    don’t on this part of atlantic (I’m french) I’ve got the same problem. We must contact the UN, it’s a worlwid problem.

    ps: I love this site.

  34. You’re a quick thinker Mr. Andy……..

  35. Karen says:

    Have her read Fifty Shades of Grey—that’ll do the trick! ;)

  36. NerdyLutheranChick says:

    I wonder if emailing this list to your wife with a “I was thinking I might try some of these. ..” Subject line might work?

  37. Luna says:

    This is very creative!!!
    But it sounds complicated too. Is it so much more difficult with kids in your life ??

    I mean I just grab my man by his shirt, pull him towards him, kiss him in that devouring way and then it’s clear.
    And I know EXACTLY when he’s up to something more. I have antennas in every direction. (just in case that someone might get something I don’t want)

    It’s just the way you do things, you touch someone…

    • Andy says:

      This is really just for entertainment purposes really. But it can be harder and more complicated with a kid in your life than a t-shirt pull. Whether it can or does go anywhere further from there is where it can get tricky. ;)

      Touch is everything. It’s amazing how one can forget something so simple.

  38. Shawn says:

    I wish I had someone upon whom I could test these fine theories…for science’s sake, of course. Would it be too much to ask for you to provide such? Of course, quality is essential. In exchange, I’d gladly provide my unbiased report, for you to freely use as promotional material. None seem able to see beyond me being a father of 5 (5-24yo), to grasp quality…even the widower card doesn’t garner opportunity through sympathy. (I thought for sure my infinitely adorable 5yo would work miracles, but nope.
    Thank you, in advance.

  39. Autumn says:

    My husband has been known to use a number of these, #3 &#4 the most often. However, I love when I am left a voicemail of Barry White #6 singing. he will call when I am busy and when I check my vm, it’s Barry. Works every time. And to the guy that suggested letting the wife get a shower, RIGHT ON!!!!! Just a chance to shave legs does make a difference.

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