You Know Who You Are
The day has finally come for me to speak about something I haven’t touched on before. I feel like an open letter is in order for a multitude of reasons. Bear with me…
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To paraphrase PM Dawn, I feel for you. I really do.
I know how hard it is out there, keeping your pride and individuality in a world full of bitterness. It’s tough. But when you don’t pay child support, you ditch out on your kid or otherwise act like a toolbag instead of a father, I need to call your bluff.
You see, my father wasn’t around too. I know, it’s cliche, but so is being a deadbeat dad, asshole. Stop imagining the violin sounds and listen up. He wasn’t around because he was always traveling or working or otherwise unavailable. He wasn’t perfect. He could’ve done better. When he and my mother broke up, with two boys to care for on her own, she had to make do. We made it work. But it didn’t help that he NEVER contributed to our child support. Again, before you get all butt-hurt about the unfairness of paying for children or how women get pregnant and stick you with the bill, let’s talk straight. That’s your kid too. You have a part in it. The genetic and responsibility part, among other things.
I know another deadbeat dad who had a tough time. (image author unknown)My father regretted it afterwards. The whole thing. The ‘not being around’ thing. The ‘mailing frosted donettes for your birthday’ thing. The ‘send you postcards from faraway places’ thing. All of it. He told me, before he died, that he wished things had been different. I still love him, in spite of his flaws, as I hope my son will me. I wish he were around today. I have so many questions now that only he could answer. I don’t really care why he did those things or what my life would have been like had he been around. I just want that time back.
So, stop playing rhythm and booze. Cease the human hopscotch games. There’s no reason for you to choose a lifestyle over a kid. None. I don’t really care if your dad wasn’t around or not. Honestly, I try not to put you in same class as dudes who piss all over the place in public bathrooms. But the resemblances are too many. I’m not a perfect person and I do okay at the whole dad thing, but I don’t have it down pat. Kids don’t need perfect. They just need someone.
So, ante up. Go all in. Now. Be the man NOW and stop being THAT GUY. That guy smells of bullshit and acts like a knife in the back.
You know who you are. You’re more than a man. You’re a father. Act like one.
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50 Comments
50 Responses to “You Know Who You Are”
I’ve always thought that a man who was so self-absorbed and/or negligent of responsibility that he could essentially abandon his kid(s) would be just a general failure everywhere in his life.
Very eloquently said. I know there’s probably some room in there for extenuating circumstances, but I haven’t seen them yet.
Again, great comment.
I do not think so. A man could be successful in other areas but still fail as a father.
My dad was a truck driver when I was little. I never saw him much even though he was still married to my mom. Those long-haul routes “made more money”, so it was ok for him to be gone a week at a time. When I was nine, he was diagnosed with liver disease. Nearing my thirteenth birthday, he died. As Charlie posted, my dad never quit playing the Rhythm and Booze. Don’t get me wrong, I love my dad. I just wish he had grown up so he would be here to help me grow up. I’m now 28 and still wonder why Daddy’s gone from time to time.
Absolutely, Ducky. The unanswered question.
This was a very well written post, that mirrors my beliefs pretty closely. My father was around, and I know that I learned important things from him, so I cannot speak to the feelings shared by Charlie or the poster above (Ducky).
What I can speak to though, is that there is nothing that would make me want to abandon my responsibilities to my family or my two sons. It’s my responsibility to teach them about the world, and it is my privilege to watch them learn about the world!
Thanks DOTB. I think this can extend to dads who are “around” but not available in some ways.
I love your last sentence.
My Dad left us when i was about 13. He paid child support, but child support isnt everything. Childs need support in other areas such as school, sports and be shown how to be a man. Just like you, i dont care about the past. Its over and done. But be sure of one thing, never, ever, i will leave my child!
thank you for this. it took 3.5 years to see a dime from my oldest son’s “dad” and even then it was through wage garnishment. luckily he isn’t his legal dad anymore.
Thank you for this. My father was never in my life until I was about eleven. Even then his presence was sparse. As an adult I thought perhaps he was changing until we got into a fight where he accused *me* of being selfish and told me that he could “do just fine without” me. I had to scoff and tell him thanks for proving he hasn’t changed a bit because now I won’t feel a bit guilty for dancing with and walking down the aisle with my mom’s ex-boyfriend/the only dad who has ever been there for me. Good riddance. I just feel sorry for my siblings who have to grow up with that man for a father. They’re going to need some serious adjusting in the real world. And I’m sadly almost positive my two brothers will turn out exactly the same way.
I look forward to the day when I can send him a Christmas card with my future children on it and no return address and say “Here’s what you’re missing. Hope it was worth it.”
I love everything about this post except that i don’t think you’re reaching the people who really need to read it. They wouldn’t read anything titled “how to be a dad”. Maybe you could post it on a “losers anonymous” blog.
LOL. I think I meant for people like you to anonymously send the link around to people who do. You are ones who need to hear that I know what you’re all dealing with.
I really like this and the way you mention the discrimination against women and mothers in this regard – as in, women are vile for getting pregnant and lumping the father with a child. Perhaps there needs to be less emphasis on mother and father and more on just “parent” – with both roles being equally important. People are so quick to blame a mother for things, but apparently the father is blameless – why? It think that a child is not seen as his responsibility in general.
There is a sort of unsaid “you were trying to get pregnant” thing that people like to use to justify themselves. Men and women are both responsible for what happens in and after the bedroom.
I’ve seen this from two sides. My Dad worked long shifts, and was away 5 days a week. However when he did come home, he spent time with my sisters and I. Eventually he got a regular job. I got more time with him (sisters left home). Then it changed. Boarding school and puberty made me the unavailable one. I turned into a sh*t, and didn’t want to know. I was unbelievably mean to him. This, after he bust his knickkaks to support us. Eventually I grew up (30) and now I realise what a big man he’s been. He’s seen us through cancer, drug addiction, bad relationships, financial fecklessness, 2 recessions, and too many things to count. I’ve been a bum kid, now I’m learming from him to be an awesome dad to my boys.
Thank you changing the course of history James. You are fixing it. Teach your boys well.
That’s supposed to be Knicknaks, not knickkaks
We don’t begrudge anyone for their spelling. Look at my grammar for eff’s sake.
Very interesting and well put. I love this site and usually check it out for the humor part and don’t comment. This post though struck a nerve. Klode makes a good point…paying child support isn’t everything. If you’re going to be a “dad”, that requires you to actually try and BE there. It doesn’t mean you have to live close by (I know a really good dad who lives 1500 miles away from his son). It means you have to be available (and seriously, especially now, there are SO many more ways for you to be available and not physically be there all of the time). You have to make the effort to coordinate visits, to take time to get to know each other (this also goes for the dads that live with their kids!), to help them grow up. I also agree with Bullgrit. A person who abandons an instinctual responsibility will probably fail in many other aspects of their life. Kudos to those who get it together and make amends before it’s too late. I know a few like that as well. I can’t say I get along well with my ex, but he’s not a horrible father (albeit irresponsible, but not a bad dad). My son loves him and I encourage the relationship 100% so that if he ever chooses to be out of the picture, I can say I did my part in trying to get them together and have my son know who his dad was.
I guess I can call myself lucky even though I was 20 when my dad died. He wasn’t just around, I knew I could count on him for anything and everything and no matter what it was I knew I could talk to him about it. Shortly after my dad died a friend of my mother pointed out to me something I hadn’t thought about. Even though I didn’t get as much time with him as I’d liked, he wasn’t just “the guy that’s married to my mum”. Sure he wasn’t perfect or a Super-Dad like you see in the movies, but I loved him none less and would not have swapped him for anyone. I was really grateful to my mum’s friend for pointing it out to me that I did get more out of my relationship with my dad than many, even if their dad’s are around a lot longer!
Now that I’m a father myself I’ve also thought a lot about this and have made a promise to my self to be there for my kids and not just as the guy that’s married to their mother.
Having had my Dad “Go all in”, I cannot imagine what it would be like to have NOT had him there. Even when he was on long business trips, or gone 5 days out of 7 for months on end, he was still there. Not yet a father myself, but I cannot even begin to contemplate what would drive any dad to abandon his sons and daughters.
“You’re more than a man. You’re a father”. Effin’ A, mate.
I’m so sick of people who can’t or won’t support their children. You helped make the child! I’m not personally a parent but I take care of my sister’s children because she is sick and I love them too much to see something bad happen with them. Their dad is still married to my sister but drives truck and is gone for a month at a time. The other day he seemed put out when we wanted money for cough medicine for the kids. REALLY?
Charlie, you’ve just described about 75% of Venezuelan dads. I’m exaggerating, obviously but we’re full of kid-abandoning scoundrels down here. Good for you to single them out (even though most of them won’t be able to read English. Heck, most of them won’t be able to read, period!)
I’ll skip telling my non-existent dad story, and just say thak you and keep up the good work.
My father died of pancreatic cancer when I was five. My mother never remarried. Although I had father figures in my life while I grew up, I never had a true father.
Now that I have a son of my own, not only does he make me want to be a good father, but he makes me want to be a good husband as well. I just can’t dream of a world in which I screw up so much that I can’t see my baby boy every day.
Dead on. ‘No other success can compensate for failure in the home.’
My dad wasn’t around as well. He never left, because he wouldn’t have made it a day without my mom taking care of him, but he did the next best thing: spend all day at work.
He also wasn’t a bad man. Wish someone taught me how to shave, though.
I, also, have a non-existent. Sadly, my brother loves to use this as an excuse for not being there for his son.
There is no reason why a father cannot be part of his child’s life. But there are a lot of excuses!
This whole thing just makes me sad…My Hubby and I would love a better relationship with my stepson and yes we do try to stay in touch, yes we pay child-support…but we feel so powerless when ‘she’ uses the money to take him to live in another country. It has been difficult to have a lot of time together and now in his midteens he doesn’t care to spend a lot of time with us because he’s not used to us. She tells us that he appreciates the money we give but I seriously doubt it. He only found out we pay 100% of his costs last year when we told him…I know that this post is intended to the Dads who are being slackers but not all ‘absent’ fathers want to be. Just sayin’….My own father was diagnosed with leukemia when I was 7. He has battled it on and off for years always having to be careful..Now in my 30′s he is battling it again. I am grateful that over the past few years he has made the effort to get to know us better than he did when we were kids.
I shared this on Facebook. My dad had an awful father, but he still did right by his four kids. I am grateful that he was the father to us that he never had himself.
You can change your family tree, Charlie. Keep being an intentional father.
Well… obviously this is going to be a touchy subject for everyone. I’m more on the side of some dad’s are better off not there.
My dead beat dad was there on occasion (only paid $200 in child support…. ever). And, decided to do/get even more lame as I grew up. I made my own choice at 17 to pretty much keep him out of my life.
I do have good memories with him. But, since he pretty much lost his drugged out mind when I got older… I’m more sad that I knew him when he wasn’t a complete loser. I’m weird.
P.S. Totally seemed like a good idea to talk about my lame dad for the first time on the internets on the How To Be A Dad blog. Ha! You’re welcome.
I can totally get behind that. The guys who are having the remote thought that they should clean up their act and pay child support/be a better person are usually in the position to get there.
Thanks for the exclusive! Sorry it had to be under these inauspicious circumstances.
You’re welcome. You can send payment for the entire story to my paypal.
Thank you for this. My biological dad went to prison when I was a baby (we have an okay relationship now, but he was in til I was 21), and my mom started dating her big high school love again when I was 3. They were together 10 years and had four kids, plus I grew up with his two kids from his first marriage as my brother and sister. When I was 13 our house burned down and less than 2 weeks later he left us all living in a camper in the back yard so he could party it up with some other girl. He lived half an hour away for 5 years and saw his kids twice. It’s been almost 11 years now, he owes 97k in child support, and the last time my stepbrother took my youngest sister up to his house near where her dad lives he didn’t even remember she existed (she was just under 2 when he left) and then screamed at my brother for “doing this to him” when she wanted to meet him and his newest son. My brother and sisters are the most amazing people I know, I hate that they’re in any pain because of him, and I know they must be because it still kills me somewhere under the anger. He was a good dad at one point.
Ah, long personal history aside… thanks again. My boyfriend’s dad was abusive, I didn’t have a whole lot of faith in fatherhood but seeing him now that I’m pregnant has really changed that. Good to know there are decent people out there who see a problem with this, cause my step-aunts give us all updates on him whenever they visit without acknowledging what an ass he is.
You know, life has a way of evolving that sometimes works out best for us without our knowing why. And we can never know what the alternative may have been. I never knew my real father. My stepfather was abusive, but that’s another life that I have long since put where it belongs – in the trash. For a lot of years, I wondered why my real dad didn’t ever try to find me or contact me. Then one day, when I was about 58, something came over me and I decided to try to find him. I did, only a few short hours later. On the website that the Mormons keep of birth and death records. He had passed away exactly 7 weeks earlier. What would my life have been had I known him? I don’t know. But I think rather than child support or a new bicycle or a big inheritance, my father must have given me something other than things – his loving nature perhaps? His compassion for his fellow man? Perhaps his sense of humor or his intelligence. In the material world, I received basically nothing from him. But he may have given me enough that I have become the person I am today. And I am thankful for whatever contribution he may have made. What would my life have been if he had been a part of it? I don’t know. But I don’t really need to know.
I ended that post rather strangely – I should clarify. I don’t need to know, because it wouldn’t change anything.
I can’t relate from a “Dad wasn’t around” standpoint but I can from a |Lost him too early” one. My dad passed when I was 25, the same day my wife and I found out we were pregnant with our first child, and it was a devastating experience. I went through a dark phase for about 2 years and basically was a dead beat dad for the first year of my sons life.
I don’t know what snapped me out of it. It certainly wasn’t the pills or the therapy. I think it was my son and the realization that I don’t want to be a dad who lets his kid down. I want to be a man that he looks up to. Ever since that day, I have done my best to be the best dad I can be. I don’t always succeed but I know that I’m at least giving it my best.
I appreciate that you stepped away from the funny to talk about something that close to you. It’s an idea I’ve been warming up to on my blog as well, but I’m not quite there yet.
Thanks for the read!
PS – I think your dad looks like Mickey Rourke, which is Bad Ass!
Chris
I love your last sentence! I am so lucky to have such a great dad, and its not a coincidence..his dad was a deadbeat dad and my dad has spent his whole life trying NOT to be his dad. I never knew his dad, but I know my dad and he is amazing!
I wish I had the guts to send this to my ex. My girls are grown now and he missed it ALL. Knife in the back indeed.
What if the Mom is such a narcissistic totally incorrigible bitch she’s intolerable, potentially insane? I’m going to be a dad soon in fact am looking forward to the part where I will have a son, that part is awesome. But his mother is batsh!t crazy and has a VERY upsidedown view of the world. I will not say the pregnancy is a mistake per se, I thought I’d known her well enough though we had spent on-and-off time, there were flags all along however she wasn’t the most stable or potentially trustable person. Now that there’ll be a baby, I want to be in his life, but I cannot stand the Mom. Oddly I like her family, even some of her friends, but she’s totally delusional. What does one do in this case? Seriously, she drives me nuts. If I could get sole custody I’d be happy. It’s not the being the dad, it’s who the mom is. Then what? There’s no “man up” if the person who’s the Mom is impossible to cope with, oddly this topic isn’t touched though I don’t know why. Can’t be the only man who’s “love to be a dad, hate the bitch” out there. Then what?
“There’s no reason for you to choose a lifestyle over a kid. None.”
Well said. Selfishness needs to end the minute you become a parent.
On behalf of all single mothers with kids that have a deadbeat dad, I just wanted to say THANK YOU!!
Well said.
Thank you! Our parents got divorced when I was 6 and our dad checked out. He didn’t pay child support and would quit his job when we finally garnished his wages. This was in the early 80′s before deadbeat dads went to jail for non payment. When I was 10 we moved out of state and we saw him ONCE after the move. He didn’t realize his mistake until I was in my early 20s and frankly it was too late for me. Now that I’m a mother I can’t believe being away from my kids for a couple days much less most of their lives.
My dad worked 3 jobs when my siblings and I were young so that our mom could stay home and care for us. When he could be home he’d spend every second he could with us kids. He’d teach, play, listen… Everything. He lost his father when he was 12 and I think somehow he just wanted to make the most of every moment with his own kids. When my wife and I found out we were expecting our first I wanted to tell my dad but sadly he was out working. I wrote a letter and left it on his pillow in my parents’ bedroom and headed back home. Later my mom called and told me he was in tears. I poured my soul out in that letter, basically expressing how I hoped I could be just as much of a father to my child as he was to me. I didn’t care that he was always busy because I knew he wasn’t gone to be away from us but to ensure we had what we needed and made the most of the time we had together.
Didn’t read through all of the above posts, but I agree with the original thought. My folks divorced when I was 5 and my Dad remarried someone with 2 kids of her own. My Mom joined the Navy and for one reason or another was never available to us…to make things worse my father quit his day job essentially to become a consultant and was only home 1 day a week. That one day was spent knocking his work frustrations out on us. Money is great, but honestly would have rather had a father. He spent years apologizing for all of it and I tried to move past it…but when I had a child of my own and he refused to spend anytime with her despite living 10 minutes from us and working at home…and then turning around and verbally attacking her (who was 1) for being terrified of this stranger (him) who reached for her suddenly…well that was enough of that. Sometimes as crappy as it might be, I think that if you are going to be an absentee parent then don’t do it half arsed…it’s better to be gone than to traumatize kids further with abuse because you are reluctant to be a father in the first place.
On the flip side of things…My husband also had an absentee father…but he was blessed to have an amazing step father. Even after his Mother and step father were divorced, you would NEVER know my husband is not his flesh and blood. The man has more than stepped up to the plate and proven that you don’t even have to necessarily biologically contribute to be an amazing role model to a child.
I’m trying to figure out how to post this to my brother without starting a world war in the family. He WON full custody of his daughter (7yrs) and has a son (2yrs) with another woman…so why does the mother have ALL the responsibility of the son and my niece is living with my parents??? He is so selfish it makes me sick! My niece literally cried and told my mom she just wanted to physically touch her father because she never sees him. He’s in the military, but that’s no excuse! My boyfriend is in the military with full custody of one daughter, finalizing custody of another and STILL manages to take care of his business! I make sure to tell him how great of a father he is and that is how he got my attention. He and i have never had a date just the two of us because we choose to spend it with the 2 yr d he has custody of. With the custody stuff going on I make sure that he has his time wih his other daughter (15) because that is more important.
Long story short: THERE’S NEVER A GOOD EXCUSE TO NOT BE THERE FOR YOUR KIDS! Your life stopped being about just you when you stepped into that bedroom. SELFISH JERKS!!!!!
i completely agree with everything said. there is no excuse for choosing ANYTHING over a child that could not exist without you, and nothing is sadder than when this happens.
however, as the child of a father who was in prison most of my childhood, i also think it important for children (however old) to give your pathetic failed father a chance to make it up to you if he ever decides he wants to. i will never forgive my dad nor will i ever forget what he put us through, and no matter what he does he will never be able to make up for his abandonment, but i am thankful he is making the effort now to be in my life and in my son’s life. i love him and appreciate him FOR WHO HE IS NOW, but i allow myself to hang on to a little bit of that hurt, because after all, how could anything be worth leaving your kids?
thanks for another great post!