How to Be a Dad

How to Be a Dad

Home Intruder Claus

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By now, many of you have experienced of one of the most invasive experiences to ever face mankind: Santa Claus.

For years, we’ve struggled under the shadow of this overweight cat burglar. Though he “brings presents” to us, we all know he breaks into our houses through our chimneys, the most available weakness of our houses and apartments.

Here’s another example of a gentleman who wears all red.

This thief is so cunning and flamboyant he wears red. He flaunts his presence in front of the law. His beard is a mere contrivance, another signature of a man bent on finding a way into your private space, eating your cookies, drinking your milk and wrecking your roofing system.

Yes, Santa is often compared to many things, but he is incomparable.

Much like a modern day Robin Hood, he gives to us on our day of need. But make no mistake… he comes by these “gifts” through sweatshop labor and less than honorable means. Saint Nick is no saint, sirs and madams.

Imagine a man who, on a yearly basis, commits Breaking & Entering. SUCCESSFULLY. He’s as notorious as any drug cartel leader with the power of a cruel dictator; he runs an entire continent.

How do we protect ourselves against such a man? How do we show him that we will not be trifled with?

Santa Activity Graph

Do we take up arms against this tyrant? Do we declare war against him? Do we even dare stand up against him?


Sure, we could always convert ourselves out of this strange Christmas pyramid scheme. But that’s not very sporting of us.

Instead, what if we celebrated each other and gave gifts and acted compassionately towards one another each day of every month as if it were the holiday season? First, that would really mess the jolly, old, selfish elf’s head. Second, maybe we could cut off his supply lines and company directives. We could interrupt his entire operation and subvert his malevolent system.

So, what do you say? Let’s send Santa packing.

Another way to protect yourself from invading forces like Santa? Follow Lifelock on Facebook and try out their services: GO HERE!

Just kidding about the Hollywood part… 

Disclosure: This post is brought to you today by LifeLock, a leader in identity theft protection. This post is my own opinion and my crazytalk doesn’t necessarily reflect the opinions of Lifelock or its staff.


3 Responses to “Home Intruder Claus”

  1. kendyZdad says:

    I don’t think Santa is a home invader at all, since we invite him into our houses. We write him letters, put up decorations to entice him, even put a tree indoors to tell him where to put the presents.

    Sure, he uses an inartful way to get in the house, but he has our permission to come in once a year. And, unlike a vampire who has been invited in and abuses the privilege to enter whenever he wants, Santa only comes that one time each year.

    What creeps me out is the spying part.

  2. Heather says:

    You think Santa is creepy, check out Krampus!

  3. Dennis says:

    My question is if he gets millions of cookies on that one night why does he not redistribute them to children in need?

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