How to Be a Dad

How to Be a Dad

Vote for Vagina

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Warning: I use the words “penis” and “vagina” great deal in this post. If those words offend or concern, you should not have (or should never have had) children because honestly you’re too immature for them.

For years, we’ve heard about “penis envy” and “penis aggression” and “penis parties” from people with, um, penises. Well, maybe not that last one. And a quick sidebar: Is it penii? Seriously, what is it? I need to know for future use. At any rate, we’ve overlooked a very important and very timely compulsion that I feel should be brought up now, especially with today’s festivities.

I’m talking about…

VA-JEALOUSY

Jealousy of vaginas is certainly not something new and affects far more people than we realize. It’s time we confront the fact that ignoring the na-na is a no-no. But let’s give this good a once-over with some vigorous in’s and out’s, shall we?

I have been, for some time, secretly harboring an insane jealousy for those who “have” or “own” or otherwise “wear” vaginas on their person. The debate rages on about how one should faithfully and recreationally use their magical portals of life and radness, but I still wish I had one. Birthing a child. Peeing seated. Multiple orgasms, sure! And I wish I could hide things in mine, you know, for later. Suffice to say, I think they’re magical, but hoohas are also useful, beautiful and awesome.

Perhaps even more enlightening are the number of names we’ve come up with for vaginas. At last survey, I counted over 100 pet names. Chalk it up to sheer admiration of the love taco, vaginas are the Macgyvers of genitals. No bones about it. And they deserve care and respect. The very word comes from the root meaning “sheath for a sword.” Sheath for a sword? That’s BADASS MEDIEVAL STUFF. Who carries swords? Knights. Vaginas mean knighthood people. So, women are not squires, they’re basically knights.

Let’s face it, there’s a little bit of vajealousy taking place around here these days. Why do we have to fight about these delightful vertical smiles? My hypothesis contends that these men, without vaginas mind you, who want to sanction and control the vagoo are simply blessed with a sincere desire to HAVE one of their own. This would seem to answer a great number of questions. Why else would people who, by all accounts, came OUT OF A VAGINA be so bent on controlling them? VAJEALOUSY. Penisers just want male muffins like their female counterparts. That’s all.

So, maybe the vagina is just my spirit animal or perhaps I need to take a second, grateful look at my penis, but I have to say vaginas are pretty swell.

However you decide to vote today, vote vagina. It’s vagenius.

-Charlie

Sword-Sheather & Pookie Admirer

EDITOR’S NOTE: NO POLITICAL ACTION COMMITTEES WERE HARMED IN THE MAKING OF THIS POST.

Didn’t get enough vagina?
Well, here’s every time the word has been used on our blog!
 

35 Comments

35 Responses to “Vote for Vagina”

  1. ronke says:

    You amazing piece of freakiness! Love you for this post…. sword sheath…. going off to tell someone important I now know why he likes the hoohaa assigned to him so much!

  2. Mandey says:

    This literally made me spit out my coffee. “So, maybe the vagina is just my spirit animal…” Genius. Thank you for this. (My vagina tells me it was also amused by this. So you know it’s true. They don’t lie. Ever.)

  3. Kara says:

    LOL I don’t think I’ve ever read the words penis and vagina more often than this post. And the plural forms of penis are penises or penes.

  4. Daphne says:

    This feels like The DaVinci Code…my v-giny feels so revered all over again.

  5. Laurie says:

    No bones about it indeed! For the most part I am a proud owner, there is indeed a horrific downside that is NOTHING to be jealous of! I love this post though!

  6. Sasha says:

    My Vageen is laughing so hard right now! Uh-mazing!

  7. Jenn says:

    Just want to make a shout out for the whole vulva (which is the real “vertical smile”). Thanks for giving vaginas their due, but don’t forget the whole enchilada!!

  8. Mo says:

    LOL, needed this this morning!!

  9. Avara says:

    It’s true. Charlie really does love vaginas.

  10. Katy says:

    Love every word of this. You guys are great. :)

  11. Rebecca says:

    Oh dude, you had me until you ran into the absurdly illegitimate politics. As an owner of a magical vagina, and a ferociously talented maker of 5 more vagina owners, none of us actually NEED to rip off body parts of other preborn owners of said magical part. That an otherwised civilization would NEED to legislate to protect its own offspeing, so (most often) willingly created in wild moments of reckless abandon and lust, is rather telling. And thanks, but one of my precious girls is profoundly disabled, and the form of care embodied by the current villain in office had an historically phenomenal mortality and rape rate. Going back to that is liable to piss special needs moms off in ways you have never seen!!. As always, despite love for our parts, I think with more enlightened organs.

  12. Zach Rosenberg says:

    On a side note, it’s “penises”…the whole i-plural is a Latin thing that goes along with words ending in “us” for a plural. The most popular would be alumnus becoming alumni – though for my wife’s old all-girls high school, it was alumnae. Also, everyone uses “octopi” as an example, but the jury’s split on it. Since it’s a word with a Greek origin, the plural is technically “octopodes” but no one will ever back you up on that. They’ll just go with the totally-accepted “octopuses” or “octopi”. Besides, it’s been an English word for about 1,000 years now, so Latin/Greek hardly still apply.

    So instead of “penii” just say “dicks”.

  13. Danielle says:

    A place to hide things…Oh my I laughed so hard I could have peed. You are a crack up. sword sheather was a very close second favorite part in this whole discussion.

  14. If Vagina was a candidate, I’d actually enjoy those campaign ads! Sounds like a candidate I could really get behind. Or on top of…or under. I’d ROCK that vote! (OK, I’ll stop.)
    -Kevin

  15. Jess says:

    First off, the appropriate pluralization of penis is penisi. I think. Second, I’m overjoyed that you wrote this post. The proof is in the poon-tang here. They are glorious portals into the souls of the amazing universal that we can’t allow to be slighted. Don’t slight the slot, mkay? Just don’t.

  16. Judy says:

    Just a quick note to Zach – there are instances where the ‘is’ is pluralized by using ‘es’. Diagnosis, diagnoses for example. Mostly applies to words that are derived from a Latin root word – not sure about penis. Oh, and a word ending in ‘us’ not always pluralized with ‘i’. Virus, for example. Virus, viruses. Don’t ya just love the sensibility and consistency of the English language? LOL!

  17. Ewokmama says:

    You’re a genious.

  18. Gale says:

    Hilarious post…and loved learning a piece of mideival trivia I never knew before, but….

    WHO are these men who “who want to sanction and control the vagoo?” That sounds scary.

    Oh, wait (getting serious here…even though I know this is a humor blog…sorry)….I forgot. Yeah, there are a lot of men out there with just a bit too much interest in our hoo-has (pimps and rapists that want to own them, men who stone women for using their hoo-haas in ways they don’t approve, even men who force or shame women into cutting their hoo-has off! Now that’s some seriously messed up va-jealousy!)

    But I hope you don’t mean the whole hoo-haw (yes, pun intended) about abortion and contraceptions, and it being a “war-on-women”? Cause that’s a hoo haw (pun intended) that people with hoo-haas disagree on because it doesn’t just have to do with our right to do what we want with our hoo-haws, it also has to do with what we do to others (and when those others count as others), and what others should have to pay for.

    Anyways, I do really appreciate your (humorous but probably heart-felt) support of women even if we may disagree in some ways on what supporting women means, if that makes any sense.

  19. JoJo says:

    HAHAHAHAHAHA !!!

    An excellent bit of writing. :D :D :D :D :D :D :D

  20. Coco Cana says:

    If you don’t vote for vaginas then you are just voting for an old white man’s penis. And nobody wants that. -coco

  21. Elle says:

    The whole thing is funny and then I lost it when I read “Pookie Admirer”. KILLING ME. We call it a “cooter” or “cootie” in my house. Hahaha. Thank you!

  22. Too many funny bits to even list them – my kids asked me what I was laughing at – that’s when you know it’s good!

  23. Wow. LMAO. But wow.

    I for one do not have Virginia jealousy. It’s GOOOD to be a man.

    That whole birthing a child thing is indeed magical. But I still don’t want to do it. Another human LIVING IN YOU!? That’s just messed up. Perhaps it’s just because I’ve been to the movies, or enjoyed sheathing my sword too much… but yea. No. The ladies can keep their vajayjays. Though I do certainly appreciate it every time one is shared with me.

    • Laine says:

      They can poop in you too. My last son did.. and peeing standing up vs. peeing sitting down is a no-brainer. Besides, men can still sit if they want to. And I wouldn’t equate the women to knights because it means sheath for a sword.. I would say that the man is the knight because he wields the sword :p Plus no mention of the ever horrid Aunt Flo. So yeah, I still have a little penis envy.. lol

  24. Todd says:

    My girlfriend laughed so hard at this her hoo-hoo snorted!!!!

  25. Dokenbaw says:

    Ode to the Vagina!

    Oh, how I love thee…

    the sweet sheath for thy sword,

    and the magical V to see.

    The tender spirit have art thou,

    and for thy penis, make happy.

    :)

  26. CR says:

    That brought a smile to my morning… no bones about it… priceless! :)

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