Warning: I use the words “penis” and “vagina” great deal in this post. If those words offend or concern, you should not have (or should never have had) children because honestly you’re too immature for them.
For years, we’ve heard about “penis envy” and “penis aggression” and “penis parties” from people with, um, penises. Well, maybe not that last one. And a quick sidebar: Is it penii? Seriously, what is it? I need to know for future use. At any rate, we’ve overlooked a very important and very timely compulsion that I feel should be brought up now, especially with today’s festivities.
I’m talking about…
Jealousy of vaginas is certainly not something new and affects far more people than we realize. It’s time we confront the fact that ignoring the na-na is a no-no. But let’s give this good a once-over with some vigorous in’s and out’s, shall we?
I have been, for some time, secretly harboring an insane jealousy for those who “have” or “own” or otherwise “wear” vaginas on their person. The debate rages on about how one should faithfully and recreationally use their magical portals of life and radness, but I still wish I had one. Birthing a child. Peeing seated. Multiple orgasms, sure! And I wish I could hide things in mine, you know, for later. Suffice to say, I think they’re magical, but hoohas are also useful, beautiful and awesome.
Perhaps even more enlightening are the number of names we’ve come up with for vaginas. At last survey, I counted over 100 pet names. Chalk it up to sheer admiration of the love taco, vaginas are the Macgyvers of genitals. No bones about it. And they deserve care and respect. The very word comes from the root meaning “sheath for a sword.” Sheath for a sword? That’s BADASS MEDIEVAL STUFF. Who carries swords? Knights. Vaginas mean knighthood people. So, women are not squires, they’re basically knights.
Let’s face it, there’s a little bit of vajealousy taking place around here these days. Why do we have to fight about these delightful vertical smiles? My hypothesis contends that these men, without vaginas mind you, who want to sanction and control the vagoo are simply blessed with a sincere desire to HAVE one of their own. This would seem to answer a great number of questions. Why else would people who, by all accounts, came OUT OF A VAGINA be so bent on controlling them? VAJEALOUSY. Penisers just want male muffins like their female counterparts. That’s all.
So, maybe the vagina is just my spirit animal or perhaps I need to take a second, grateful look at my penis, but I have to say vaginas are pretty swell.
However you decide to vote today, vote vagina. It’s vagenius.
Sword-Sheather & Pookie Admirer
EDITOR’S NOTE: NO POLITICAL ACTION COMMITTEES WERE HARMED IN THE MAKING OF THIS POST.
Didn’t get enough vagina?
Well, here’s every time the word has been used on our blog!