How to Be a Dad

How to Be a Dad

Safety from Children: Impact Probability Chart

Posted by , under INSTRUCTIONAL DIAGRAMS


It’s a Murphy’s Law of sorts. What can make an impact on a Peril Zone, will… reeeeally hard. Not every time, of course, but that’s what this chart is for, to show you the likelihood of impact, and where.

Instances of board-books that weigh as much as a manhole cover making a “direct hit” are more memorable than a pacifier boinking off a knee cap. So, one could argue that these probabilities only seem this way because, in recalling, some memories stand out taller in the line of life experiences. Science says otherwise.

These probability figures were developed with a Scientificish analysis of all my experience as a parent and countless episodes of America’s Funniest Home Videos.

In a split second, you just KNOW it’s going to happen! And then it does. And then the tears come, and you have to pretend that you’re just sooooo moved by your love for your child. As you ready an ice pack.

If anyone tries to tell you this chart is unreliable or based solely on the experience and observations of only one parent, and a television show, just remember that they’ve probably sustained a ton of brain damage from upper Peril Zone impacts and smile politely before they begin drooling or become violent.

More Warning Signs
Peril is everywhere. Beware and armor yourself accordingly.

Instructional Diagrams
Pucker up, buttercup.
 

36 Comments

36 Responses to “Safety from Children: Impact Probability Chart”

  1. Steve says:

    Wrestlers have nothing on the teeth-rattling headbutts my little guy gives! Very accurate thermal maps.

    • Andy says:

      Heads, bottles, tv remotes, phones, toys, hands, feet, knees… my head has been a regular recipient of my boys and their stuff, and my stuff, and anything near to hand. We need helmets.

  2. Aaron says:

    Hehe. Where was this when my kids were young?

  3. Kathy V. says:

    I feel that one area of high risk has been understated on the heat map: the toes. Somehow, hard plastic sippy cups full of heavy liquids always seem to smash my toes. Maybe I’m just not nimble enough to avoid them effectively. But I really feel that the toes are a yellow zone, at least.

  4. Eric says:

    Very true. Could’ve sworn my kid loosened a tooth when he accidentally head butted me the other night. lol

  5. Jess says:

    While I feel the female crotch/pelvis gets the shaft (wait, wait, stay with me on this one, I know the poor option for wording on this point may induce immense giggling) in terms of pain levels due to blunt force trauma, this totally prioritizes the boobs which I fully endorse as a zone of ultimate peril.

    Not only is it jarring when your child punches/thwacks/lobs/lands full force on those suckers, the imminent apologetic care they offer to “make the boo-boo feel better” will leave you in stitches (or a puddle of your own chuckle-induced urine).

    Could there BE ANYMORE INNUENDOS IN THIS COMMENT?!

    • Andy says:

      Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha! Amaaaaaaazing!

      I may have you beat!!! Last night, LAST VERY NIGHT!!! Lucas used my groin like gymnast would use one of the handles on a pommel horse to vault onto me as I was laying on the couch! AAARRRGGG!!! He had a look of horrified guilt that told me he knew he wasn’t going to get 10s for the maneuver. After I could breathe again, but before I could tell him I was okay, he started PETTING MY CROTCH! I folded up like a cheap lawn chair and started laughing through my pain coughs.

      Ahhhhhh, memories! They seem like they happened yesterday. Especially when they happened yesterday.

  6. Erica says:

    OMG, this is so accurate. But I think you should at least put yellow in the girl’s pubic area too. I can’t count how many times both my kids knee’d me there in an effort to climb up on me while on the couch. Or deciding that it’s time to play so we’re going to step RIGHT HERE!

    I may not sing soprano from it, but it still FREAKIN hurts.

  7. Gale says:

    Oh, if you’re breastfeeding a biter, the probability is pretty high.

  8. Hey Andy,

    Love it…beautifully simple diagram. Would be keen to re-post this on my dadding site – http://www.letsdad.com – with you permission…Nice big link to your blog included of course.

    All the best,

    Sam

  9. Dude. Don’t pander to female peer pressure. There is no way breasts should be red. Okay. Maybe I’d allow it if you made the male groin go to 150 blue. I’m not sayin it doesn’t hurt to get your boob smacked, squashed, or twisted, but c’mon. There’s a reason why groin hits top the America’s funniest home video charts.

    • Ah, disregard. This is a PROBABILITY chart. I still don’t know though. I think anytime dad lays down the jungle gym is open. I’m primary caregiver to 3 kids 6 and under and I know defensive wrestling positions now. I’m also actively teaching my 3 yr old son the man code. Is reciprocal damage a viable teaching method?? Just kidding of course. I think there’s a ban on reciprocal damage measures in the man code. It falls under the section titled “assured mutual destruction”.

  10. Joyce says:

    Glad you included the feet as potential points of peril. I recently had a toe broken from being caught between the hardwood floor and a one year old’s hard head when she fell. OUCH!

  11. julie says:

    My 4.5 year old has fractured my nose several times and the 10 month old got me for first time jut a week ago. Their noggins are just so hard! Even better though was that before #2 came long, #1 bonked me so hard in the forehead while we were snuggling that I got a mild concussion and spent 3 days thinking I was pregnant. I as dizzy, nauseated and tired.

    I may not survive this stay at home mom gig.

    • Andy says:

      Wow! Hang in there! It gets better. And I don’t mean an increase in blunt force trauma. I’m surprised I was able to have a third child, but life finds a way.

  12. Brooke says:

    I got in trouble for getting my kids foam swords. I thought this was being a good mother by replacing the “whackers” the 3 yo was using (otherwise known as cricket bats, toy golf clubs, etc – apparently these are all disguises for implements that are really meant to attack one’s siblings and parents)

  13. Antoinette says:

    How do I know this is true if it is not shown to scale with a banana? I am so confused! Or maybe it’s that star shaped block that I took to the cheek 20 minutes ago…

  14. Graham says:

    There is nothing more horrific than 5:30 down stairs with your toddler in your loose pyjamas and your toddler wonders over to give you a hug or show what he’s just found and as he leans against your chest he stands on and puts his full weight on your particulars! Agony!!

  15. Sarah says:

    It seems like the probability of impact has a direct correlation with injuries/illness/soreness in any given area. If you have gout in your toe, you’re more likely to sustain a blow to said toe. If you are breastfeeding and engorged, that toy flying through the air will hit your breasts. And if you have a sinus infection, you might as well be wearing a sign that says “Please headbutt me in the face.”

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