Safety from Children: Impact Probability Chart
It’s a Murphy’s Law of sorts. What can make an impact on a Peril Zone, will… reeeeally hard. Not every time, of course, but that’s what this chart is for, to show you the likelihood of impact, and where.
Instances of board-books that weigh as much as a manhole cover making a “direct hit” are more memorable than a pacifier boinking off a knee cap. So, one could argue that these probabilities only seem this way because, in recalling, some memories stand out taller in the line of life experiences. Science says otherwise.
These probability figures were developed with a Scientificish analysis of all my experience as a parent and countless episodes of America’s Funniest Home Videos.
In a split second, you just KNOW it’s going to happen! And then it does. And then the tears come, and you have to pretend that you’re just sooooo moved by your love for your child. As you ready an ice pack.
If anyone tries to tell you this chart is unreliable or based solely on the experience and observations of only one parent, and a television show, just remember that they’ve probably sustained a ton of brain damage from upper Peril Zone impacts and smile politely before they begin drooling or become violent.
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More Warning Signs
Peril is everywhere. Beware and armor yourself accordingly.
Instructional Diagrams
Pucker up, buttercup.
35 Comments
35 Responses to “Safety from Children: Impact Probability Chart”
Wrestlers have nothing on the teeth-rattling headbutts my little guy gives! Very accurate thermal maps.
Heads, bottles, tv remotes, phones, toys, hands, feet, knees… my head has been a regular recipient of my boys and their stuff, and my stuff, and anything near to hand. We need helmets.
Hehe. Where was this when my kids were young?
We’re working on a time machine as a side project. We’ll try to get this to your former self, once we’re done.
Awesome! Let me know how I can help.
I feel that one area of high risk has been understated on the heat map: the toes. Somehow, hard plastic sippy cups full of heavy liquids always seem to smash my toes. Maybe I’m just not nimble enough to avoid them effectively. But I really feel that the toes are a yellow zone, at least.
My toes end up getting hit by things that I knock over while either carrying my kid, or keeping her from getting into things.
(In other words, I totally agree that they should be at least yellow)
The image has been edited! Never say that I don’t listen to the voice of the people, especially when they’re saying “Aw f##k! My toes!!!”
I agree. Our 15 month old loves spike her sippy cup off her high chair, and guess where it lands (smashes)? And yesterday, she threw the play DustBuster into the shower because my husband was in there, and guess where that 50lb hunk of plastic landed?
And as they get older and start wearing soccer and baseball cleats, you get to look forward to them stepping on your flip-flop or TOMs-clad toes with said cleats. Repeatedly. Awesome.
Why go yellow when you can go red! Your feedback has been noted and acted on. The graphic is updated!
Thank you. That seems much more accurate to me!
Awesome, that looks great!
Very true. Could’ve sworn my kid loosened a tooth when he accidentally head butted me the other night. lol
While I feel the female crotch/pelvis gets the shaft (wait, wait, stay with me on this one, I know the poor option for wording on this point may induce immense giggling) in terms of pain levels due to blunt force trauma, this totally prioritizes the boobs which I fully endorse as a zone of ultimate peril.
Not only is it jarring when your child punches/thwacks/lobs/lands full force on those suckers, the imminent apologetic care they offer to “make the boo-boo feel better” will leave you in stitches (or a puddle of your own chuckle-induced urine).
Could there BE ANYMORE INNUENDOS IN THIS COMMENT?!
Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha! Amaaaaaaazing!
I may have you beat!!! Last night, LAST VERY NIGHT!!! Lucas used my groin like gymnast would use one of the handles on a pommel horse to vault onto me as I was laying on the couch! AAARRRGGG!!! He had a look of horrified guilt that told me he knew he wasn’t going to get 10s for the maneuver. After I could breathe again, but before I could tell him I was okay, he started PETTING MY CROTCH! I folded up like a cheap lawn chair and started laughing through my pain coughs.
Ahhhhhh, memories! They seem like they happened yesterday. Especially when they happened yesterday.
OMG, this is so accurate. But I think you should at least put yellow in the girl’s pubic area too. I can’t count how many times both my kids knee’d me there in an effort to climb up on me while on the couch. Or deciding that it’s time to play so we’re going to step RIGHT HERE!
I may not sing soprano from it, but it still FREAKIN hurts.
Hey! I got some yellow in there! Holy crap, by the time all of the comments were in this graphic would be solid red! Ha ha ha ha!
Oh, if you’re breastfeeding a biter, the probability is pretty high.
Hey Andy,
Love it…beautifully simple diagram. Would be keen to re-post this on my dadding site – http://www.letsdad.com – with you permission…Nice big link to your blog included of course.
All the best,
Sam
Dude. Don’t pander to female peer pressure. There is no way breasts should be red. Okay. Maybe I’d allow it if you made the male groin go to 150 blue. I’m not sayin it doesn’t hurt to get your boob smacked, squashed, or twisted, but c’mon. There’s a reason why groin hits top the America’s funniest home video charts.
Ah, disregard. This is a PROBABILITY chart. I still don’t know though. I think anytime dad lays down the jungle gym is open. I’m primary caregiver to 3 kids 6 and under and I know defensive wrestling positions now. I’m also actively teaching my 3 yr old son the man code. Is reciprocal damage a viable teaching method?? Just kidding of course. I think there’s a ban on reciprocal damage measures in the man code. It falls under the section titled “assured mutual destruction”.
Ha ha ha ha ha! Been there, had that crushed under a knee.
Yessssssssss
Glad you included the feet as potential points of peril. I recently had a toe broken from being caught between the hardwood floor and a one year old’s hard head when she fell. OUCH!
Steel-toe boots might not be a bad idea for parents. Do they make steel-toe house slippers?
My 4.5 year old has fractured my nose several times and the 10 month old got me for first time jut a week ago. Their noggins are just so hard! Even better though was that before #2 came long, #1 bonked me so hard in the forehead while we were snuggling that I got a mild concussion and spent 3 days thinking I was pregnant. I as dizzy, nauseated and tired.
I may not survive this stay at home mom gig.
Wow! Hang in there! It gets better. And I don’t mean an increase in blunt force trauma. I’m surprised I was able to have a third child, but life finds a way.
I got in trouble for getting my kids foam swords. I thought this was being a good mother by replacing the “whackers” the 3 yo was using (otherwise known as cricket bats, toy golf clubs, etc – apparently these are all disguises for implements that are really meant to attack one’s siblings and parents)
My mind is imagining soooooooo many horrible accidents it’s not funny. Actually it’s hilarious, but you get my meaning. Ha ha!
How do I know this is true if it is not shown to scale with a banana? I am so confused! Or maybe it’s that star shaped block that I took to the cheek 20 minutes ago…
Aaaaaaaand you just made my day.
There is nothing more horrific than 5:30 down stairs with your toddler in your loose pyjamas and your toddler wonders over to give you a hug or show what he’s just found and as he leans against your chest he stands on and puts his full weight on your particulars! Agony!!