How to Be a Dad

How to Be a Dad

Scariest Erection Hose Ever!

Posted by , under EXTERNAL USE ONLY

Many technological advances have come from humble beginnings. Or, in this case, frightening and pornographic dirty minds.


Am I tired of tugging and lugging my hose? You’re damn right, but you can’t just go and replace it, SIR. I don’t care that it expands to three times it’s length. So it’s a shower and a grower. Big deal.

XHose commercialAnd it never kinks! Powerful high-flow spray! Contracts to incredibly small size! That all sounds familiar!

Yeah, it weighs only a pound when flaccid and it’s probably a great piece of equipment if you don’t have a lot of storage space, but I don’t enjoy watching my hose get stiff when I turn it on.

I’m just gonna say it: the scientists behind this wünder-hose probably modeled it after a specific male organ. And I don’t mean the elbow.

Also, for those who don’t have the guttermind that I do, it seems to come alive and I don’t like gardening equipment going all Skynet. You should be afraid that it will slide in through your bedroom window and strangle your cat.

It’s climbin’ in yer windows. It’s snatching yer people up. Tryna hose you.

This also happens to be another great justification for me never taking out the trash.

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35 Responses to “Scariest Erection Hose Ever!”

  1. Tina Reher says:

    and it will never kink! – which really? Isn’t that just a little sad?

  2. efthemess says:

    Is that why the woman, in the video, is so happy to jerk it?

  3. Steve says:

    Such a waste, this commercial. Imagine what Billy Mays could have done with it. I’d have probably bought ten of these miracle hoses and opened a bordello.

  4. Does it hurt you to watch when they pound on it to show durability?

  5. So when you’re finished, the hose curls up and takes a short nap?

  6. Ok, I hear ya. But… WANT!!! I am indeed tired of lugging my tangled mess outta the shed…

    And yes Amy, that is harsh.

  7. Jenna says:

    When they showed it up close and “contracted” I felt dirty.

  8. Shana D says:

    And it’s super strong so you can beat it all you want, oh yeah.

  9. Carl says:

    Notice how it squirts after it’s all stiff and then continues a little more as it contracts back to its flaccid state? (Sorry, but Charlie started this line of thinking!)

  10. CatZilla says:

    That thing creeps me the hell out!

  11. Laurie says:

    So creepy!

  12. It’s very important to guide it to where you want to go.

  13. Stephanie K. says:

    It’s definitely creepy. And I definitely want it. 🙂

  14. Melinda says:

    Expands up to three times its original length? Suuuuuuuure. I’ve heard that one before!

  15. Chelsey says:

    Pfft. Expands to 3 times the size…. I want one. For my garden. Not that garden. Wait. What?

  16. Thomas says:

    There’s a bush I really want to hose down, but evey time I turn it on, the connectoer pops off, and it sprays everywhere, getting my pants all wet and everything.. The bush doesnt seem to mind, but I know its actually quite dissappointed.. perhaps I should just cuddle it and wait for the rain…

  17. Aimee says:

    Omg I seriously want this thing.

  18. Rudy says:

    Dude, I so need one of these hoses. I love penis’s and I love hoses, I don’t see anything wrong with them. Wait, do you think you can get uncircumcised hose?

  19. Gale says:

    Oh man…this post, mildly funny. The comments following? Making me cry laughing kinda funny.

    But yes, I think your right. Do you watch any TED talks? They’re usually on science, education, human rights issues, etc…but one in particular was about “What we didn’t know about penis anatomy.” And what they do now know seriously probably was used to make this hose, no joke.

  20. Anthony says:

    If you use it for longer than 4 hours, do I have to call a physician?

  21. Magical! And I may have just gotten pregnant just from watching that hose expand.

  22. Desiree says:

    It reminds me of the process of DNA coiling into chromosomes…

  23. Sanity says:

    Seriously? I feel sorry for your children… Do you people also get creeped out blowing up balloons or stretching rubber bands?

  24. But it doesn’t Kink!!!

  25. Bonnie says:

    Ahhh, I think the hose I used the other day was one of these, if not it is very similar. I had no idea it was going to move when I turned it on or again when I turned it off.

  26. Danielle says:

    Note: Do not attempt hitting your fully expanded hose with a hammer. It is “built strong to last long” but can not withstand the kind of abuse that the X-hose can.

  27. Missy says:

    But will it go out and get a job? Or does it just lay around all day waiting for someone to come turn it on? Lazy arse hose.

  28. Nick says:

    That’s just too funny. I wish everything stored that well. Not using something? It all just shrinks right up! Storage problems solved.

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