Once More Unto the Breach…
Editor’s Note: Charlie has provided a soundtrack at the bottom of this post. Feel free to play it while reading this.
Last week, Finn and I had an adventure.
We did something neither of us had ever done before and busted out our bullwhip/fedora combo. As a parent, it doesn’t require much to venture toward ‘certain death’ and taking on something difficult seems to be a recurring theme, but we wanted to give it a go. I’ll tell you all about it in a few weeks, but there were tears and there was frustration. Let’s just say it involved being “camera ready.”
Even ice cream is dangerous. Smells good, right?Sometimes, writing and blogging and social media-ing and traveling and appearing places doesn’t make me a better Dad. There’s really nothing I would rather avoid than putting myself before Finn. What’s the point of writing about family if you never get to spend time with them? What’s the point of blogging about your kid if you have to spend most of your time chasing your career around like toddler on meth?
That’s exactly what it feels like.
I’m having trouble seeing the end game and getting lost in the fog. When I try to wipe my future-goggles or tune in my dream-radio, things remain fuzzy. Then, life throws crazy exploding bags of poop in your way just to distract and disturb you. I wish I could look at those moments when Rome burns and someone is wearing underwear on their head, and see them for the opportunity they are. But I can’t.
I want to change it.
I have a headache. You got anything for it?I think I will just do something strange like interrogate myself. And my family. Maybe, we just have to ask ourselves, when the sun has set, what did we learn today? At least that way, I’ll know the entire day wasn’t a bunch of images on a screen and people copying each other’s emotions. Maybe, with that question proposed in a non-scholastic tone (I prefer it be said in a Beetlejuice voice), we can spin all the bullsh*t into an unrefined gold.
We didn’t succeed in the adventure. We didn’t climb the summit and live. We fell, and broke ourselves into pieces. But at least we climbed. Maybe we got a crappy t-shirt that said, “I gave it a go and all I got was the douchey t-shirt.” Then again, that probably couldn’t fit legibly on shirt. I’ll tell you all about what it was when I can…
Adventures are not always victories. Quite frankly, they can be f*cking train wrecks.
–
Join us on Facebook
Because a community of stupid dads is better than… um… something.
Instructional Diagrams
Learn yourself some parenting.
28 Comments
28 Responses to “Once More Unto the Breach…”
I jarringly feel your comment about Finn. Funny, I read it as your not wanting anything to come between you and your son, but I guess that’s what you are saying after all.
Sorry you had what sounds like a very rough go of things. You have a very strong ability to reflect and I suspect you will find the spun gold in this, after a time. Thanks for sharing. It is appreciated very much.
“That is why I will not do two shows a night anymore. I won’t do it!”
Yeah, I’ll probably end up writing the whole story this week or next. Been a rough go, but still having a fun time of it overall.
Glad the post could be useful.
I so thoroughly enjoy this site and all it contains, especially when you touch on subjects that hit close to home. Trying to juggle career, life, kids, etc. can be tough and many of us – fingers pointing at me – struggle to make the best of it. To have enough patience that when your kid doesn’t want to go to bed to realize it’s not because he’s a butthead, but because he wants to be up with yme because that’s when he get me all to himself – well, sometimes that’s tough.
Thank you for posting your awesome moments and your struggles. It is the combination and reflection on the two pieces that make you a good father!
Your words mean a lot. Glad you came by and thanks for commenting. I derive a lot of enjoyment out of doing this site and people like you make it even better.
I was fighting with this myself this morning – the feeling that frankly I’m not being a good mom but at the same time knowing I’m being the best mom I personally can be. I think you’re doing the same thing – life cannot stop because you have a child. If anything it’s even more important that you try to juggle as much as you can, keeping your eye on the future and living in the present, if just to show your little guy how its done. But it is so hard.
That means some days I come home and feel guilty all night because B is being raised during the day by people who can give him so much more love and attention than I can, because it is their job. He is learning so much, and is teaching me so much, but because he’s learning it from others I am constantly behind – they are trilingual, and so he is literally speaking a different language from me at times. They play games with him I don’t know but which he tries to show me, they make his life so much more engrossing and full than I can, coming home exhausted from work and just wanting some quiet snuggles in front of the computer and TV. And when we DO get out and do something together, it all feels too frantic, too dangerous, too nervewracking. He has a talent for upending all my plans and for crashing and burning everytime I try to take a photo or video of how amazing he is.
I am grateful that there are fathers out there who are involved enough in their children’s lives to feel the same way I do as a mother
Keep up the good work, and please try to find a time to keep us updated… it means the world to know we’re not alone…
It’s a tough balance.
I know there are some people who’d say working instead of being at home automatically qualifies you as a lesser person. I don’t happen to believe that. I know exactly what you mean about feeling guilty.
Perhaps, it’s just a first world problem to feel like we have enough time or money to want to be there all the time?
Charlie, whether you’re working an Acting gig or attending conferences to promote this site, you’ll ultimately be away from your son. When things feel askew, that’s a good indication to readjust the balance. Easier said then done, I know, but at least your aware of it and that’s a good thing, right?
Vincent | CuteMonster.com
That’s true. I am aware of it. But after awareness should come some responsibility. If I had a regular 9-5, then maybe this wouldn’t be a problem.
“IPSO FACTUM – GET A REAL JOB HIPPIE”
I’d like to offer my agreement that “identifying the issue is the first step”. And while sometimes it seems jarring to feel like the only way out is through a 12-step program, it’s worth every report to your sponsor to go through the program. We’ve all come to a point, as parents, where we have to put the brakes on and realize that, while yes, we are making some headway on our personal journey to self-betterment and success, there are other factors in our equation now. We all take to our spaces to regain that motivation (and also to satiate our narcissism, don’t try to deny it) we had before the revolution of our worlds shifted dramatically, and quite literally, overnight.
Keep your nose to the wheel. Or rise and grind. Or whatever it is the hipsters say these days to motivate each other, because the next time our paths cross, good sir, I will be good-gaming your backside (with platonic overtones, of course).
Wait, is this blog MY SPONSOR??
And I have no idea what your last paragraph means.
I guess this blog is your sponsor. Hurry! Someone hold you!
Also? Your butt, Charlie! I was talking about touching your butt!
This stuff is never easy. Not for anyone. But being able to recognize – from time to time – the need to pause and ask these questions? Is important. And with any luck, whatever you figure out is enough to make a difference, as you continue feeling your way through the dark.
(Bonus points for judicious use of M83.)
I’m not sure a judicious use of M83 is possible. I like liberal helpings.
Pause is a strange concept, especially for a site like ours. On the one hand, it’s like a baby start-up. On the other, it’s a personal venture. We’ll see what ‘pause’ looks like.
We all feel this at times. Simply going to work everyday makes me feel like I’m missing a big part of her life. Time that I cannot get back. Stages I didn’t experience enough. Moments I miss. It’s a choice I made for many reasons and I don’t regret it, but I do miss out on things. The flip side is that working allows me to give her things she couldn’t otherwise have. Lesser of 2 evils perhaps?
I think the thing to realize is, you can have quality of life even if it’s not in high enough quantities. It’s difficult, the type of job you have. There isn’t anything 9-5pm about it, it forces you to live somewhere you might really rather not and sucks energies you’d rather give to Finn. All of that blows (eloquence, you are my strong suit). That said, it’s about what the times with him are about.
You love him and he knows that. You’re doing what you have to do to make his life great. Nothing about that should be forgotten. Of course time with him is what you need and want the most but it’s not like you’re sacrificing that to get drunk in some bar every night. You do what you do for him and your wife. It’s hard but you do it.
Maybe, that’s the issue. I don’t live a lifestyle where I get enough free time or have enough disposable income to justify or even allow for time and experience enough with him. California is brutal that way.
Well Vancouver is no walk in the park either. We work to death for money which, in any other part of the country would have us enjoying our family home on the lake or some garbage. Here we do it just to inch about the low income line. By the time we shell out living expenses and daycare, we’re just lucky that there is a lot of free stuff to do.
But we do have work life balance. And it’s safe and clean. And we have mountains and the ocean. Lots of life can be lived in a small area here, which I’m thankful for.
You’re a bit trapped by your current circumstance but, you’re smart and dedicated. I have every confidence that sometime soon, you’ll look back and be able to think “well that sucked but look where we are now.”
You can come to Canada, we are family forward 
I freaking hate adventures. I like routines and met expectations. I have a lot of anxiety about it. But I know that there’s no way to avoid adventures when you have kids. So I’m gonna have to find myself a Fedora, too. Thanks for reminding me.
I love adventures. Just not the ones with explosions and casualties.
Bring the fedora, leave the cannoli. You’re gonna love it.
Dude, we put on the fedora and bullwhip the instant that spirm hits the egg. It’s a lifestyle.
-DD
p.s. Even Indiana Jones got his ass kicked on occasion… actually, come to think about it, quite regularly.
I just want to be the guy with the gun and not the sword, know what I mean?
Charlie, now there’s the vulnerability we all knew you had! Ha. Really though, this is constant struggle of fatherhood – regardless of what the other challenges may/things vying for your time may be: work, writing, writing as work, for me work and triathlon. You’re doing a great job. No one gets it exactly right. The “adventure” is in trying to be the best dad you can be.
Fist bumps of understanding, friend. Writing about parenthood and parenthood is a very hard scale to balance. In the end, will they be happy we did this? Will they cherish these memories and feelings we’re documenting? Will it make us more human? I hope to god yes. I don’t have enough money for the therapy if the answer is no.
When I started my blog, I thought it would be an excellent way to keep a living account of the great times we had together as a family. I learned very quickly that these things can become all encompassing and even have the ability to take away from the very moments I was trying to capture.
I had a long talk with my wife about where I thought this thing was headed and even had to lay out a game plan for when I would write and tweet and FB and mingle, etc….It had gotten to a point where I was putting the little quality time I had with my wife on hold so I could blog. Not cool.
On the other hand, the blog has afforded me an opportunity to give me kids things I never had and has also made me want to strive to be a better father (for real), so it’s been a bit of a blessing in disguise overall. I hope someday my kids will look back and see in writing, how much I really loved them. Otherwise this was a huge waste of time, haha.
Keep on keeping on man!
I know just where you’re coming from dude. We share the same lifestyle, just like a lot of other “pops” out there. We can just hope that our offspring grow to appreciate our efforts when we’re in our dotage. I second the final sentence in Chad Nikazy’s comment above.
All I’ve learned over the years of doing this is that kids are forgiving. Our relationships with them are fluid and ever changing. We’re our toughest critics. Our own worst enemies.
What exactly is “Being a good parent?” It’s different for every person, family, and kid. And what we imagine being the best, might not actually be the best for them.
A scary thought, at least for me, anyway.
All I know is that if I don’t take care of myself then I’m completely useless for my kids. In fact, I probably shouldn’t be around them. And even though the moments with them, with everything that’s going on, might seem fleeting, I do my best to make those moments, those snippets, the awesomest.
Never surrender. Always build. Make memories.
Mark L.
It’s a necessity to keep perspective for sure. In the end, they are why we are here, in this medium, doing what we are doing. We love, adore, and are frustrated by them so much we want to share it with the world. But they will always be our #1 priority. Good on you for obviously remembering that.
Man, thanks for the posts from the hearts this week…posts from the *slightly broken hearts* this week I guess. I have been debating with myself about how to write deeper, how to go into more dangerous territory and so I really appreciate you’s guys’s (??) courage, diving into topics that aren’t at all meant for pure amusement. Really takes the pressure off to be funny all the time. Thanks for making me feel something. Something other than belly cramps from laughing!