How to Be a Dad

How to Be a Dad

Being BRAVE for People Like Us

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This Sunday, I embark on a journey with The Mouse.

That’s right. Disney has asked me to join them for an adventure that will surely be chronicled in history books as well as Facebook and Twitter and Instagram over the course of the coming three days. In that time, I will be bombarded by movies, celebrities and events. Just another day in Los Angeles? Nope. Not for you!


Let me explain:
You will be using me, like a character in a “choose-your-own-adventure” book, to direct the fate of my trip. It’s in your hands. Let me show you my itinerary because I NEED YOUR HELP.

Sunday, June 17th

We start in Hollywood where I meet up with fellow Dad-Blogger, The Daddy Complex, to talk about the kilt he is going to wear to the event on Monday night.

But I don’t plan on sticking to my side of the gender wall at this Middle School dance, kids. I finally get to meet the 20+ parent mom bloggers I have grown to love through my Disney contact, Mr. Marshall Weingardenbergerbaum. Immediately after we all nerd out about blogging, we will also be seeing secret footage from “Frankenweenie” by beloved/amaze-balls Tim Burton. His stuff narrated by Vincent Price scared the crap the out of me as a kid.

But here’s where you come in…

Ask the Audience
Question #1: What are some good kilt jokes? I’m going to need them for the next day. You’ll see why in the next section.
Question #2: Of this list of bloggers, who should I talk to?
Question #3: Should I show up on-time to check in at the hotel or be Hollywood late?

People Like Us - the movie

Monday, June 18th

After all that semi-possible hardcore partying, we get to see “People Like Us” at 9 in the morning. GOOD MORNING! But then, we have a 15 minute bathroom break, before meeting Alex Kurtzman, the director.

Now, I have a snowball chance in hell of impressing this guy (producer of Fringe, Alias, Hawaii 5-0, Star Trek, etc. etc. etc. etc.), but maybe I could make something happen?

Ask the Audience
Question #4: Should I ask Mr. Kurtzman, “Why haven’t you hired me as an actor yet?”
Question #5: Should I also ask him what type of unicorn blood Michelle Pfeiffer uses to stay looking so young: Farm-raised or wild caught?
Question #6: Should I use the restroom during that 15 minute break?

Poster for the Disney's BRAVE

Then, we get to meet the stars of “BRAVE”Kelly Macdonald (No Country for Old Men, Boardwalk Empire), Kevin McKidd (I love you Trainspotting), Craig Ferguson (tons of stuff) and director Mark Andrews. We get two and a half hours to pretend to be cool (maybe get a tattoo on Hollywood Blvd.) and then we attend the RED CARPET premiere of “BRAVE” at the Dolby Theater (formerly the Kodak Theater) where the frigging Oscars are held. “BRAVE” officially opens June 22nd. And I’m open right now.

I swore to myself I wouldn’t go inside the theater where the Oscars are held until I won an Oscar. So much for that.

Ask the Audience
Question #7: What questions should I ask the cast? (Example: Kevin, Did you really have sex with everyone in that HBO show “ROME”?
Question #8: Should I get a tattoo while waiting for the premiere?
Question #9: Would it be inappropriate to use a fake Scottish accent for the entire day?
Question #10: Should I go to bed early that night or hang out with everyone?

Disneyland's new Cars Land attraction

Tuesday, June 19th

It’s Disney Day. We’re all packing in to buses/vans like the Partridge Family (is that even a viable reference anymore?) and heading down to Anaheim to take a tour of Disney California Adventure Park and see the newly-unveiled Cars Land.

I wonder if Disney would be mad if my wife and son accidentally visited us there? Prepare the smoke bombs and ninjas, Alfred.

Ask the Audience
Question #11: Rocking some short shorts – good idea?
Question #12: How much do you think the costumed employees would need as a bribe to give me one of their costumes?
Question #13: What would you like a picture of, while I’m there?

So, follow us on Twitter and Instagram using the hashtag #BraveCarsLandEvent starting NOW.

You see now what I did there with the title by the way? Genius, right?

Someone punch me. I’m dreaming.


10 Responses to “Being BRAVE for People Like Us”

  1. Leialoha says:

    Yeah, I totally opened a Word document to type the answers out for you. lol

    Sunday June 17th –

    Answer #1: One of the better ones I found for you –

    Little old lady tourist speaking to Scotsman: Is anything worn under the kilt?
    Scotsman: No my dear, it’s all in good working order.

    Answer #2: Don’t be shy; say ‘hi’ to as many as you can! You never know what kind of hidden gems (aka – unexpectedly awesome pieces of conversation to use in future posts) there are just waiting to be discovered!

    Answer #3: Hollywood late is SO last season. Be there, or be square.


    Monday, June 18th –

    Answer #4: Avoid at all costs! I can imagine he hears similar stuff (serious or jokingly) like that everyday. I once went to see Kevin Smith live and anytime someone mentioned having the best idea for a story for his next movie or if he could look at some of their work, they got booed – hardcore. You don’t want to be secretly booed, do you?

    Answer #5: Inquiring minds want to know! See, now THIS is the reason why you should leave questions like #4 on the back burner – you’re way too creative to leave questions like #5 unasked!

    Answer #6: Always, always, always go when you get the chance cause if you wait, it will become seriously unbearable at the most inopportune time. Speaking from experience? Absolutely.

    Answer #7: I’m terrible with coming up with that kind of stuff.. sorry. 🙁

    Answer #8: Depends, will it be Disney related?

    Answer #9: Not totally inappropriate – just ever so slightly annoying. (I know, I’m taking away all your fun..)

    Answer #10: Definitely hang out for a bit, you can always bail and head to bed if it gets boring.


    Tuesday June 19th –

    On a side note – I’m surprised they didn’t allow you to bring a family member or two along with you to the adventure park. Don’t they know that all of the blogger’s kids are now secretly plotting revenge against their parents for going without them?

    Answer #11: If it’s anything your wife wouldn’t be caught dead to be seen with you wearing, you might want to skip it. Just sayin’.

    Answer #12: You’d probably be more successful getting a job there yourself.

    Answer #13: I’d like to see a picture of that Disney tattoo, should you decide to get it.

  2. Malbon says:

    Kilt joke (kind of): a Scottish man walks into a doctor’s office with a steering wheel sticking out of his kilt. The doctor says “do you know there’s a steering wheel sticking out of your kilt?”
    “Aye!” he says, “It’s driving me nuts!”

    Longer kilt joke: (best told in your fake Scottish accent [and yes, you should])
    Old Seamus MacArthur well known around the village as a bit of a sot. One night after a hardy night in his cups, Seamus sat down beside a tree for a bit of a nap.
    Next mornin who should come down the way but Mrs. MacDougall and Ms. Wallace, home from the fair.
    “Oh look, Mrs. MacDougall!” cries Ms. Wallace. “There’s Seamus MacArthur sleepin off a drunk!”
    “Do you know,” says Mrs. MacDougall, “I’ve always wanted to know what was under his kilt. Let’s take a peek.”
    So Mrs. MacDougall walked over to Seamus and lifted up his kilt. “Oh my,” she says. Then Ms. Wallace takes her turn at liftin up the kilt for a wee gander. “Mercy!” She says, and takes the blue ribbon she’d won at the fair for her famous mincemeat pie, and ties it around poor Seamus’ caber. Then with a giggle the two went off down the lane.

    When Seamus finally awoke, bladder fit to burstin, he stood up, turned to face the tree and hoisted up his kilt.
    “Well hello there,” he says. “Well I don’t know where ya’ve been, but ya won first prize!”

  3. Jessie says:

    #1 – Sorry, all the kilt jokes I know are vulgar and involve not scaring away the sheep because zippers are noisy.
    #2 – Babble, if only for the post titled, “How the hell do I get my kid to stop cursing?”
    #3 – Show up on time, you’ll stand out (in a good way) for being different. And there might be snacks.
    #4 – If you also pass him a promo disc of the choregasm clip, definitely.
    #5 – I always assumed it had more to do with bathing in unicorn milk, or negotiations of the demonic sort. But if farm raised unicorn blood will do the trick, this information should be shared.
    #6 – Only if absolutely needed, or if there are no snacks.
    #7 – Ask what sort of physical acting they do when doing voice acting (making faces, waving arms, etc). And the sex one, that’s a good one. And ask if Kelly found it easier to do the role while wearing an orange wig.
    #8 – Arm, sure. Butt, no, you’re going to be sitting. And don’t get a vacation tattoo, go classy, like a dragon. Rawr.
    #9 – Inappropriate? Yeah. Funny? Hell yeah.
    #10 – Hang! Unless they’re boring, then go find snacks.
    #11 – With your legs? Sure thing. Unless you’re going on rides, you don’t want to burn the back of your legs on vinyl when you sit.
    #12 – Apparently a lot, I’ve heard stories. They’re hard core.
    #13 – Um, everything??? But mostly you in a tiny car.

  4. Jessie took my kilt joke. (Why do Scotts wear kilts? Sheep can hear a zipper a mile away.)
    I’m not answering all these because you gotta do SOME work. 2 movies and a sneak peak at new Disney land chit… You lazy melon farmer!
    #11 – Sexy legs = yes. Fishbelly white sticks = no.
    #13 – Pics or it didn’t happen. (tweets are for readers)

  5. Tara says:

    This post makes meeting you and the thought of the laughs to come so much more exciting! 🙂 Love this post!! See ya in a few days!

  6. Courtney S says:

    The ONLY way to be is with a scottish accent the ENTIRE time, while wearing a kilt. Make sure you crack constant jokes that refrence breezes and underwear.

    You can’t GET unicorn blood any more. Its now the blood of lost gamers whos systems have never been exposed to the outside world. Whos eyes have adapted to a dim lighted room and the glare of computer screen. Blogger blood will also suffice. (don’t worry since I make no money off my blog I’m getting close to selling my blood)

    My theory since I was 16 was any new place I go-get a new tattoo. But I have questionable judgement and poor impulse control.

    And I’m curious to know if Kevin’s had sex with the entire cast of “Rome” as well so Please ask. But do this while wearing a too short kilt, in a fake scottish accent and you MUST wink at the end. Or you’re just rude. Not Rude and creepy. Which is so much cooler and more fun.

    Have fun, and be horribly inappropriate while sober at some point, blame Hollywood.

  7. Angela says:

    I see there are many laughs to be had next week! Looking forward to meeting you and yes, talking with a Scottish accent is a must for the entire trip!

  8. I can’t wait I can’t wait I can’t wait. For you, to do this. And for me to watch you, doing this.

  9. In my humble opinion, Kurtzman is one of the best writers Hollywood has ever seen. He can do tv and film and anything in between. Simply awesome. That whole Abrams crew is just awesome, Pinkner, Alexander, Orci… I hope Kurtzman continues cranking out awesome scripts and doesn’t concentrate too much on directing.

    I suppose if there were a question I’d like to ask, it would be has he ever been on a “closed set” with jennifer garner, and if so, can he provide proof. Please find out for me!

    Ah, I miss hollywood.

    Good luck and have fun on your whirlwind disney tour.

  10. Kathy V. says:

    I’m only going to answer some of your questions, because I’m mad that you’re going to this fun thing and I’m not. Consider yourself punished.

    Question #4: Yes. That is an excellent idea. Nothing impresses directors more than being accosted about their casting practices.
    Question #5: Please do, and post it online. It would be a public service to all of us who are otherwise doomed to age naturally.
    Question #6: I don’t care about your bladder. I have enough trouble with my own.

    Question #8: Yes. Make sure the tattoo is Disney-themed. You won’t regret it.
    Question #9: It is never inappropriate to use a fake accent for an entire day, so long as said accent is juuuuuuust convincing enough to fool idiots. Is it?

    Question #11: No to the short shorts. What ever happened to that kilt? Wear that.
    Question #12: $300 and a frozen margarita. It’s hot in those things.
    Question #13: Mickey Mouse with a margarita.

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