How to Be a Dad

How to Be a Dad

Bad Product Idea #9: KiddleProd Child Motivation Enhancement Utility

Posted by on June 11th, 2012, under INSTRUCTIONAL DIAGRAMS

Bad Product Idea #9 KiddleProd Child Motivation Enhancement Utility

[ click the image to enlarge ]

Are you tired of how many times you have to ask your child to do or stop doing something, keeping exact count of how many times so they can’t turn around and correct you when you give an inexact guesstimate of how many times you’ve already asked? Are you frustrated by how often you fail to redirect them as needed when they’re already in the middle of something else, like playing, or willfully destroying your house and all its contents, including any brothers or sisters?

You must understand some basic physics. Kids are like Newton’s first law of motion (The Law of Inertia):

An object that’s sitting on its ass tends to stay at rest and an object that’s spazzing out tends to stay in motion.

Parents can have as much trouble controlling their kids as they would trying to violate any other law of physics. Don’t beat yourself up about it. You don’t tear your hair out about not being able to ignore gravity, do you?

Have hope! In the wonderful world of physics, children also have a natural enemy. STATIC ELECTRICITY!

But you don’t have to scrub your head with a balloon, or run out to the park to do a few speed rounds on a fiberglass slide. Introducing the KiddleProd! A never-before-seen, portable, battery-powered, child motivation enhancement utility.

Consider it a life-like extension of your own hand, except that now your “hand” can deliver a static zap at the touch of a button. Shazam! And with its new extend-o-matic fold-out attatchment, it’s now an extension of your arm, for those kids who get into those hard to reach places.

You love your kids, sure, and no, they’re not cattle, but parenting sure can be like herding cats! For those times, there’s KiddleProd.

Pocket Guide to a Child’s Tracks and Movement Patterns
Kids are not animals, but we can still learn how to track them by their footprints.

So Bad They’re Good
You can view ALL the Bad Product Ideas here.

Shazam Us on Facebook
Don’t worry, you can’t get zapped on Facebook. No matter how many times you poke people.
 

43 Comments

43 Responses to “Bad Product Idea #9: KiddleProd Child Motivation Enhancement Utility”

  1. This product is shocking!

  2. Craig says:

    Nothing like a shocker of a post! This is funny…I don’t think I would be using something like that…

  3. Oh My GOD, that’s TOTALLY INAPPROPRIATE! How COULD YOU possibly create such an INAPPROPRIATE blog post, making cracks on the edge of the subject that approaches CHILD ABUSE I mean… wait… where am I again? Oh yeah. HTBD.

    In that case, LOL! Well done! Carry on!

    ;-)

    • Andy says:

      I know you’re jesting, but there’s something to it. I wasn’t expecting such a poor showing on this post, but I guess it was too close to touchy subjects for it to get many laughs or be shared much.

      So weird for me though. I can depict a toddler with a hypodermic needle shot into its sleeping butt to everyone’s joy and delight, but delivering a static shock to a kid with a fake hand just gets awkward “heh heh, I’m not going to Hell for laughing at this, right?” type of laughter. You win some, you lose some.

      • Jason says:

        You have to have a sense of humor raising kids. Mom’s whose panties or dads whose briefs in a twist over this type of stuff deserve their uptight and neurotic kids who won’t know how to schedule their own time or laugh at something ironic.

        Kudos to you for putting this stuff out there. It’s hilarious because we would never do it, but oh how we can dream on those days they are on our last nerve.

        Keep it up. If kids aren’t proof that God has a sense of humor, we are all doomed to hell.

      • Absolutely jesting! You know me… I realized it may have come off like I was being deeply sarcastic and “mock-jesting” – but I did definitely notice the lack of response and figured exactly what you said – it was a bit of awkward silence and the rest “I’m not going to Hell for laughing at this, right?” type of laughter.

        As for me… this product would seriously come in handy! As long as the “zap” wasn’t too potent, because you know those little stinkers would pick it up when I’m not looking and use it on ME. ;)

        • Andy says:

          I completely know you were joking. It just turned out not to be very funny for as many people as I’d hoped. Thanks for the support!

  4. Cheela says:

    You guys are awesome or what! i have been a silent admirer for so long. Great writing! ur website is my dose of humor everyday. It has helped me many a times. when i tell myself, “no my toddler isnt odd. remember what Andy/Charlie mentioned” ;)

  5. Joke ‘em if they can’t take a f—.

  6. MotherDuck says:

    Ha Ha.I love this version of Newton’s Law. I’m going to remember this when the laundry is piled up and I just want to collapse on the couch after work.

    I used to shock the crap out of my brothers to get them to move by dragging my feet on the carpet and shocking their ears from behind. But this product may go straight to the 99 cent store between the Wolfgang Puck’s self-warming-coffee-in-can and Snuggie for Dogs.

  7. Rebecca says:

    I for one thought this was a great idea! I don’t know how effective it would be though. I work in childcare, and I think to shock eachother and/or me is the main/fun reason to go down the slide.

  8. Christina says:

    People like to share their own experiences. A plain LOL rarely deserves a post all to itself if that’s all you are going to say.

    So…sharing experiences with this one…

    We have seasonal versions of this in our house. If I want to punish my kid this way in the winter, I’ll put socks on him, tell him to run around the carpeted floors and then touch him with a spoon. Home made KiddleProd!

    • Evonne says:

      Don’t give me ideas Christina…Where I am it’s winter now!!

      Not sure why people are so shocked (pun intended) by this. Hubby is a high school teacher and we often joke about how nice it would be if he was allowed to carry a cattle prod (the ones that zap). This by comparison seems tame. The only problem I can foresee is my kids using it on each other for fun ;oP

    • Andy says:

      That’s amazing. Ha ha ha ha! It reminds me of Cody and Max shuffling around on the carpet with the lights low so they might see the blue glow of static when they touched a door knob. Memories!

  9. LM says:

    I would like 10 of these please!

    In my childhood I would have been backhanded for doing any of the things on that list. Thus I vowed never to spank or hit my own kids. But I gotta tell ya, now that I am a parent, sometimes I wish I hadn’t made such a promise to myself. This would be good for those times.

    • Andy says:

      Yeah, punishment discipline is a tough subject I seem to now have stuck on the bottom of my digital shoe. I’d buy the thing just for fun. But it was supposed to be a bad product idea. I guess it was too bad.

  10. Thommo says:

    Isn’t a bit hypocritical to condem similar humourous content for been insensitive and then do the same thing?

    • Andy says:

      A static zap compared to attempting to put a baby in a running garbage disposal, date rape and punching a woman in the stomach to abort her fetus? Those are really the same for you??? That’s like saying the shadow silhouettes of a couple making love in a movie is the same as porn, isn’t it? Maybe I’m just being defensive because I’m bummed that I failed to bring laughter and joy to many. Alas.

      • Thommo says:

        I actually think both are funny so don’t feel too bummed :-) I just thought it odd you would condem Nap time then use the same kind of humour a few days later. Is static electricity as bad as chloroform no but making jokes about torture and electric shock therapy is still pretty sadistic. I can still find the funny side though ;-)

  11. OICJC says:

    THIS is funny and the chloroform for kids video isn’t?

    W.T.F.

    • Andy says:

      Really? This deserves a WTF? Yikes. Sorry you feel that way. Stay away from my Tranqoo post then.

      The chloraphorm for kids didn’t rub me the wrong way about that video by the way. It was obviously silly and over-the-top, but the overall tone and the other jokes made it something I could never see myself doing as a maker of jokes and a farter of armpits.

      • OICJC says:

        Sorry, mixed signals there.

        I like the KiddleProd! Didn’t mean to cast aspersions. It just strikes me in a very similar vein of humor as the NapTime ad, and the WTF was regarding the difference in how the two were received.

        I’ll agree that the video pushed the black humor elements quite a bit more, but the fundamental concept is very similar.

        I won’t officially be a dad until Septmber, but now I know – chloroform bad, electric shock good. So much to learn!

        • Andy says:

          You bring up a good point, they are similar. But there’s this topic that’s been brought up of “the line” as in the one you don’t cross. It’s not the same for everyone, their line on what’s funny and what’s too much. But even then, sometimes one can go so far beyond all the lines that one is in so deep and dark that only nearly-insane people are the ones ones laughing.

          Okay, I’m done being philosophical. Fart. Poop. Kittens with mittens. Whew! I feel better now.

          Congrats on the upcoming dadhood! ;)

  12. Stacey says:

    I have to say, I love this post, but I never even saw it until today. I come here on my phone, and every time I pulled up the page the dad-miration giveaway was at the top and I (wrongly) assumed that there weren’t any new posts. So then I would click to a different page and go on my merry way. Maybe others had the same problem??? I’m glad I actually scrolled down because now I have several posts to read…yay!

    • Andy says:

      Thanks for letting us know! We didn’t realize that was happening until you posted this comment! And I’m glad you loved it. :)

  13. Arina says:

    I’d like to have it for my lazy husband=)

  14. Joseph says:

    Jeez,
    My family used the real thing for when us kids got too rowdy. I think I turned out fairly normal. People today.. go figure.

    • Andy says:

      As my imaginary great grandpappy always used to say: “There’s no use go-figuring folks, if’n ya do, you’ll be gone a long long spell.”

  15. Sara says:

    I thought it was funny. I’m going to be a 1st mom in October but have lived with my almost 5 yr old niece who definately got her mom’s attitude! I could just give her a lil zap when the attitude comes out:) Please don’t call dfs on me, I don’t even believe in spanking. B it the zapper would definately cross my mind from time to time- just a lil buzz :). And it really is ok to joke about these kind of things on an adult forum as long as people don’t go to far or are being taken too seriously, which I don’t see either here. Who hasnt been driven to the point of insanity by their child once in awhile (or even once a day)?!?

  16. Jo says:

    I’ll take two, please. Do you combine shipping?? I was also wondering if you make shock collars, for humans…. Can you get back to me ASAP on that? Thanks! ;)

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