How to Be a Dad

How to Be a Dad

My Life with Women (VIDEO)

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There are certain viral videos that encapsulate aspects of my whole life.

This one symbolizes every attempt I’ve ever made at relationships with the fairer sex… …. …. until my wife.

I think I asked for a girl’s number once in my whole life. I wasn’t the popular guy but I doted on the girls I liked.

So, let’s review the similarities between Toddler Suave and myself:

Full-body hugs? Check.

Breakdancing? Check.

Overbearing sweetness? Check.

Amazing overalls? TRIPLE CHECK.

I could be the misogynist here and make some comments about just how badly the lady little treats this fine, young man, but women are pretty great. Maybe this kid needs to get a job, buy a sweet ride (Power Wheels, perhaps?) and learn some Karate, proving himself a worthy love interest?

It really is a miracle someone agreed to be married to me and have a baby.

Good thing I am versed in the dark arts of hypnotic suggestion… (when I snap my fingers you will be in love with me and read my blog every day… SNAP)

Instructional Diagrams

*There are no actual systems. We said that so you would click a link to funny things. Why are you reading the fine print? You never read fine print, especially in contracts with Apple or software.


73 Responses to “My Life with Women (VIDEO)”

  1. Canadian Dad says:

    Dude is the model of persistency! I really thought he was going to get the girl in the end. It reminds me of adult life after 2 children….I too have a sweet pair of overalls with matching Super Mario mustache attachment!

    Sweet Video!

  2. Elizabeth says:

    I love it! You gotta give him an A for effort…he is REALLY trying 😉

  3. Elizabeth says:

    Boy was he persistent!! I also loved how she didn’t give up either 🙂

  4. Ralok says:

    I know that feeling 🙁

    thankfully I havent known it for over a year!

  5. Stephanie K. says:

    That was amazing.

    We have a little boy at our house every day who is very similar. He runs to give one of the girls a hug and they push him away or scream LOL! He’s a cute boy, too! Very sad for him lol

  6. Sara says:

    I’m sorry, but I totally feel for the little girl here. Dude, how many times do I have to say NO before you TAKE THE HINT??? It’s adorable, but someone needs to start working on boundaries with this kid.

  7. Terry Ross says:

    I’m a regular visitor and love your content – including this video hahah!

    A more readily available Google+ button would be nice, and make it easier to share.

  8. Pam says:

    My son has the opposite problem!

  9. Karyyk says:

    You know, as a guy, I feel for the kid to some extent, but as the father of three girls, I hope this is how they’ll always react to young men who lead with their pelvis.

  10. Laurie says:

    WOW, that little boy is really trying! I actually feel a bit for the little girl, seriously how many times should she have to say enough is enough! Hopefully it will pay off some day for him!

  11. Grace Pamer says:

    This so reminds me of a video of my little 2nd cousin and me at the same age although, in that case, I was the one being the bitch and pushing him off. Probably had a lot to do with the overalls and the fact we’re programed to push you off til we’re ready 🙂

    Great find.

  12. Ash P says:

    Since I have a little boy I felt bad for him since she kept pushing him and he fell down. Still pretty funny video 🙂

  13. HK says:

    “I could be the misogynist here and make some comments about just how badly the lady little treats this fine, young man, but women are pretty great. Maybe this kid needs to get a job, buy a sweet ride (Power Wheels, perhaps?) and learn some Karate, proving himself a worthy love interest?”

    — You are being misogynistic by saying that. Girls and women have a right to not be touched by other people and that doesn’t make them stuck up or a bitch or mean or that they are treating the boys or men badly. If this boy doesn’t learn to respect personal boundaries at a young age, what will he be like when he is older? no means no.

    • charlie says:

      I said I could say that and paint the literalism of that point of view. But you went ahead and assumed that I feel that way. Your utter disregard for irony and sarcasm proves to me this probably isn’t the website for you since most of the humor is based not in literal themes but nuanced irony and opposites. Good luck with trying to prove your point and like Don Quixote fight imaginary foes who aren’t even remotely opposing you.

    • Wodi says:

      Jesus Christ! When did the author of this post ever say that a woman who doesn’t want to be touched is “stuck up” or “a bitch.” Sounds like somebody needs to get touched a little bit more if you know what I mean (if not, I’m implying that you’re a stuck up bitch because you probably don’t get touched enough).

      You’re probably right though, the kid in this video is almost certainly going to grow up to be a rapist because whoever was filming this didn’t put down the camera to teach him about boundaries.

    • Fomm says:

      I think Charlie here is being suave himself, sister. I saw that veed a fortnight ago and promptly thought, ‘kids are stupid – they ignore ROOFIES’. And what the deuce is that wee girl doing so far away from the kitchen anyway?

  14. Natasha says:

    No wonder we live in world where one in five women are sexually assaulted, when men are encouraged practically from birth to be persistent in ignoring cues to stop touching/harassing/invading the space of girls, whereas girls are told that they are acting “badly” if they refuse this attention. The kid doesn’t need to buy material shit or learn karate to “prove himself a worthy love interest”, he needs to back the fuck up. As does the author of this article.

    • charlie says:

      Those are the jokes. It’s mindboggling that you took them to be serious. Also, I’ve already stated that a parent should’ve intervened. Also, saying a toddler needs to BTFU sounds like you’re a parent. Is that the case?

      Are you going to make me “back the fuck up”? That sounds civil.

    • Jess says:

      Natasha, BOO FUCKING HOO.

    • Wodi says:

      I agree that this video would be 10x funnier if the little girl turned around and told the little boy to “back the fuck up.” We should definitely encourage young girls to use profanity when being sexually assaulted by 2 year old boys…

    • Jen says:

      Natasha and HK, you both seriously need to settle down. I worked in the field supporting sexual assault survivors for three years. I have worked with homeless teens for the last 7 years. Almost every female client I encounter has been sexually abused. I am a feminist and a leftist, and understand gender inequality well. However, I am also the parent of a toddler. Children at this age, 1) Have very little concept of gender yet, 2) are egocentric and struggle with empathy and 3) like to give/receive love and physical affection. The little boy is not a future predator, just an average toddler. Yes, a parent should have stepped in and explained the need for personal space. Yes, someone should talk to this little boy about listening to his friend’s words and feelings. But the fact that Charlie used this video as a humorous way to talk about his past relationship attempts should not draw such harsh comments from you two. If you read this bog regularly, you’d see that the writers are respectful of women and children. So chill the fuck out is my advice to you. There are REAL fights out in the world to fight – this is not one of them.

      • Rob says:

        Quadrillion amen!

      • Thank you fellow Jen! Jeez… they’re babies for crying out loud! Might as well say that because one toddler likes to knock block towers down, it’s a statement on mankind’s need to destroy and what will ultimately lead to nuclear warfare…

        Chill. Out. When you take things too seriously and blow innocent actions out of proportion, you are the one making this world a more ugly place.

      • susy says:

        Jen, that’s great that you work with these people and are a parent, you’d think you would know better.that doesn’t qualify you as some expert on children. i’m pretty sure they do or are at least definitely already forming a sense of gender–especially in minimal ways (look at how they’re dressed for example, very gendered) to all you people SO offended by comments like those of natasha…maybe you need to chill out. and i doubt that socalled leftist feminist is really all that if she tells other people to calm down for bringing up the problematic aspects of this video.
        and really? if a person was truly respectful of women and children and what not…why joke about misogynistic things? that is the oldest most annoying excuse–it’s just a joke, chill. if you truly respected women you wouldn’t make these jokes. and women if you truly respected yourselves, you wouldn’t just laugh and expect others to

        • charlie says:

          Why are you on this site again?

          • Rene says:

            Well, Charlie, why did you post this if you’re not open to criticism?

          • charlie says:

            I’m plenty open to criticism. I find your debate to be a straw-man argument and as does everyone else who has responded to you already. I’m not promoting rape culture. They are toddlers. While I agree a parent should’ve probably stepped in, I am not willing to wholly accept that I am a misogynist or otherwise, because A. I have a deep and an unending respect for women (having been raised by a single mother, I know this better than you perhaps), B. The metaphor I was seeking to provide had nothing to do with saying women should be disallowed from saying “no”, and C. I was merely talking about my own inadequacies as a male to gain attention from the opposite sex, who in my personal history were not always kind to me. Is that a sexist statement? No, I’m talking about human themes, not anti-feminist/pro-chauvinist ideology. Get off your soapbox and start listening some more.

    • Joanna says:

      Natasha – While I don’t disagree with you in theory, that this should’ve been a teaching moment for the parents to tell the boy about personal boundaries, and the girl about not shoving people in the face when words will do — these are little kids, and you don’t know that they don’t play this game all the time. I have one son that will tackle and push and pull with some certain friends and they both like it. I watch them carefully to be sure they’re both happy, but you don’t know that this isn’t an established “game” they play.

      However, attacking Charlie for saying this? Get over yourself. You only make yourself sound like an angry extremist, and no one will gain or learn from you EVER with that attitude.

      Calm down and go direct your anger at the person you’re ACTUALLY angry at.

  15. pamalam says:

    And then the little boy was expelled from preschool for sexual harrassment

  16. Fomm says:

    Natasha, my experience both as Physician and as human being tell me that people who write asinine comments like the one above actually DREAM of being sexually assaulted. You’re probably like the Swiss army, which hasn’t *seen some action* for a good number of centuries. Go have a life, sister. Shave your moustache and/or your oxter, enter a queef contest, do not be so anal-retentive. The veed is a funny one, this site is light-mooded – it takes a very belligerent mind to grasp it otherwise.

    • Sue says:

      I have no idea what an oxter is but this, unlike the OP, is actually horribly offensive.

      • Fomm says:

        This is offensive, right. And ‘Natasha’ wasn’t?

        • Sue says:

          It was actually and I replied that I agree with Jen’s post telling her to chill. However you implying women who haven’t “seen some action” in a while dream of being assaulted and “Shave your moustache and/or your oxter, enter a queef contest” really? not meant to be offensive? The bloggers making a funny, self deprecating joke about their past foibles with women was not offensive. This is your reaction to him being accused of being sexist? being sexist? I agree the video is funny and the site is light hearted. your post is neither.

          • Fomm says:

            Chill yourself, hunny. Does your husband know that you’re using the internet BTW?

          • Sue says:

            I just read on fb that you ‘didn’t mean’ this but I have to say your choice of words is condescending and downright misogynistic.

          • Sue says:

            Does your mother know about your self loathing that makes you mock women on the internet like this, BTW..?

        • Luzia says:

          I couldn’t agree more with Sue.
          This post was pretty funny and Natasha is blowing things out of proportion, to say the least… But after your last response, you really managed to prove yourself a jerk.

    • mel says:

      jeez, what’s your problem… what a disgusting human being.

    • Rene says:

      Wow, Fomm, you sure are dedicated to upholding rape culture. I hope you’re not still a physician because I wouldn’t want any rape victims to have the misfortune of visiting your office.

    • Fomm says:

      I was actually firing at that stupid tart Natasha while you practically threw yourself in the shooting line. I’ll call it ‘friendly fire’ and hope you’re not mortally wounded.

    • Fomm says:

      About my mother: of course NOT. My dad does not allow his women getting too close to computers, unless they’re cleaning it. The one thing she sees in her daily life that barely resembles a screen is the microwave.

  17. Sue says:

    I’ll call it phallogocentrism and hope that you’re not married.

    • Fomm says:

      ‘Phallogocentrism’? Hope it’s not one of those Greek dishes with aubergines. I bloody hate those things. Anyway it is impressive that you managed to google up so big a word – yet you failed miserably to determine what something as simple as an ‘oxter’ actually is. BTW I do have a missus, she is here by my side reading all this gibberish, at the same time laughing and nodding her head while saying, ‘leave this poor one alone’.

      She called you ‘poor one’. Would she also be ‘condescending and downright mysoginistic’?

  18. Sue says:

    Phallocentric means you’re centered on the viewpoint of men dominating women. What I’m saying is you’re trying to be funny and it’s just not. You calling women tarts and telling them to shave is sexist. It’s not ironic and it’s not humorous. I feel bad for your SO if that’s how you speak to her. Holy shit I’m too old for an internet fight and I like this blog so I’m done.

    • Fomm says:

      I know very well what ‘phallocentric’ means, ‘phallos’ being a good old Greek word for ‘cock’. [Not the feathery, coockadoodling one.] I’m not certain though that I’m trying to be funny, in spite of having laughed like a drain several times throughout our lively debate.

      Now by mentioning your age in this wrapper, an eyebrow was raised, and this might actually shed a good light on your disgruntlement. Go to livescience[dot]com, key in the words ‘INABILITY-TO-DETECT-SARCASM-MAY-HERALD-DEMENTIA’ in the ‘search’ field and fetch yourself a good Neurologist.

  19. Natasha says:

    Jen makes some good points about child psychology, those are things I hadn’t considered and I’ll definitely take those factors into consideration. I’m not having a go at the boy, obviously he doesn’t know any better. I am having a go and the adults here that are actually encouraging that sort of behaviour and viewing the girl badly for her rejection of him because that’s something that often happens at a larger level and is highly problematic. However, the responses I’ve got from the rest of you are either so blatantly sexist or dismissive of the broader psychological and sociological implications and context of this kind of behaviour that I can’t really take you seriously. Sorry.

    • Paula says:

      I think that you may be taking things just a smidge too seriously. Not trying to piss off! Have a reread of all this and really judge, is the fitting? For this article/vid? If so, then you shouldn’t change, you’re you. But maybe you should go to another website. Just another woman’s perspective without judgement or accusation. Just a suggestion.

      • Fomm says:

        Good point, Paula. Natasha however can’t answer you just now, as she’s too busy burning a couple of bras.

        • Natasha says:

          Ooh, an exaggerated stereotype of feminists to discount my actual argument? How original! Why don’t you join your fellow cavemen and club some women over the head while you’re at it? I’m assuming that’s the only way you would get any, being a bit of a creep who has nothing better to do then troll articles with an embarrassing sexist commentary.

          • Fomm says:

            If ‘clubbing women in the head’ did any good we wouldn’t have stopped doing it in the ‘cave days’ as you put it. But I guess it is what it is – one just cannot carry the torch of truth through a tight crowd without setting a few feminists’ beards ablaze. Besides, a pooterish and neurotic spinster is actually the very textbook definition of ’embarrassment’.

          • Natasha says:

            Fomm, I can see that you’re trying to witty but it’s just not working out for you. I’m not even sure what you’re talking about anymore, all I can see is the rambling of a guy who’s awkwardly trying to retain his dignity in the face of criticism. Please stop before you cause yourself any further humiliation then what we’ve all just witnessed here. Thankyou.

  20. Miika says:

    🙁 The poor boy! I just wanna swoop in and hold him… Sorry your signs of affection got shot down so many times, but you landed your perfect catch! It reminds me of my luck with guys before joining the military… 😀

    Oh, and did anyone read the disclaimer for the instructional diagrams at the bottom of the article? ^o^

  21. Lacey says:

    Quick question, if this was a girl doing it to a boy, would you all be so offended? Think about it….

    • Erich says:

      That’s my daughter. She LOVES to run up and give out hugs to everyone. Nobody is upset by it, the other parent(s) think it’s adorable and nobody gets uptight about it. They’re KIDS.

    • Miika says:

      Sounds like me when I was little…

    • mel says:

      and if a boy was doing it to a boy, how would you react if your son was pushing the kid away or if he was the aggressive hugger?

      • Lacey says:

        Exactly my point. It’s just ridiculous to see people get so worked up about this when I bet they wouldn’t care or would think it cute if it wasn’t a boy doing it to a girl.

    • Rene says:

      Yes, I would be just as horrified that people were encouraging a little girl to give a little boy hugs he, given his physical signals, doesn’t want. Now, someone pointed out that this may be a game they play, and if it is, then that’s fine, but it would not matter to me one bit what the gender of the children involved was. No means no, regardless of the age of the people involved. It’s not the kid that disturbs, it’s that people think this is “cute” and see no problem with this kind of behavior.

  22. Fomm says:

    Natasha hunny, of course you’re ‘not even sure what I’m talking about anymore’ – you’re a woman! The biggest word in your thesaurus must be ‘artichoke’.

    And I’m not awkwardly trying anything here; I’m just effin’ up with a handful of thick and dyke-sounding feminists who think it is okay for them to step over the line but get peeved [as if they were in the monthlies, mind!] if the same is done to them in reprisal.

    Since I’m not feeling ‘humiliated’ neither undignified and I have a few hours to spare, my ‘rambling’ shall continue.

  23. Suzanne says:

    Reminds me of some pairs of twins I’ve known. Actually, if you look at the little girl and little boy, they might be related. LOL…then it’s pure brother pestering sister. of course, that NEVER happens. Right?

  24. Awww, that kid is a trooper. She’ll cave eventually, little guy 😉

  25. Dim says:

    I’m a little late commenting here, but I hope you’re joking with your comments. If you’re not…..well then.

    At first, it was cute and adorable, but after a while, I felt that a parent or guardian should have separated them. No means no, even at this age. Especially at this age.

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