How to Be a Dad

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Horribly DESPERATE Ways to Nudge Your Lover (The Last of the 50)

Posted by on May 16th, 2012, under NOTEBOOK

Desperate Ways to Nudge Your Lover


 
WARNING: Use these desperate measures with extreme caution! They’ve got more likelihood of bad side-effects and total backfire than any of the previous suggestions and are used at your own risk.


You’ve tried nearly everything to drop an entire bag of clues on your special someone that you need lovies. NEARLY everything. This is the “Break in Case of Emergency” list of things to try. Few in their right mind would have actually tried the forty previous suggestion, but for those still in their wrong mind who also still have a strong, aching need for some next-level material:

Here are the final and most desperate suggestions!

Sending Your Kids to Summer Camp
 

#41 Reverse-Kidnapping

Send the little ones away. You love ‘em, yes, but that doesn’t change the fact that caring for them is probably the number one reason your Nearest and Dearest isn’t your Sweetest and Sexiest so much right now. So reverse-kidnap them! Pay a ransom to grandparents, a family you’re close with or a summer camp to take them on for an extended period, so you two can get it on, for an extended period.

(It doesn’t matter if it’s nowhere near summer, with enough money padding a handshake with the right camp counselor, it’s summer any time of year!)

 

vagina couch
 

#42 Redecorate

Some women think it’s sexy when a man gets his interior design on. Send a clear message with the purchase of… a new couch! If this focal point doesn’t get your point across that you’re desperate for intercourse then at least you have the chance to blackmail her with something too heavy for her to move out by herself. Your demands: the couch stays unless it’s replaced by another vagina.
 


 

#43 A Message in the Sky

Skywritting. Yes. You can get that desperate. The call or text you make for her to look out the window at the sky will be something you’ll both never forget, no matter what the response is. If it works, it may be the most costly sex you’ve ever had, but it could also be the best. Plus, you’ll have the heroic satisfaction of knowing you may have made several hundred other fast-thinking men steal credit and get lucky with their sweethearts. 


 

#44 Nothing Says I Want You Like…

…Wearing her panties? Okay, maybe this is not for every couple, but make no mistake, she’ll know you’ve got sex on the brain when she sees your “grapes in a sling” rendition of her thong. She just might be a little confused and dismayed about what kind of sex.
 


 

#45 Lewd Call

Hold your breath before you call so you’re already breathing heavily when she answers or the voicemail beeps. Start whispering all the nasty, dirty, sexy things you want to do to her. Don’t worry, she’ll know who it is with the caller ID functions of just about every phone these days. And if not, then at least you can swoop in later and comfort her in her distress as she tells you about the freakazoid who assulted her on the phone. And by comfort I mean have sex, of course.
 

Sex Marks the Spot
 

#46 Sex Marks the Spot

A good treasure hunt is exhilarating and romantic. Make a “treasure” map with a dotted line to an X marked in your backyard or, if you don’t have one, a really open-minded friend’s yard. Leave the map where she will find it FOR SURE, but where any kids you may have WILL NOT. Grab a sleeping bag and use that same open-minded friend to bury you naked in the ground with an X marked in flour or talc over the loose soil covering you.

(Make sure to use the sleeping bag so you’re not covered in grass, dirt clods and worms. And make sure your head is above ground so the treasure she discovers is still alive when she finds it.)
 


 

#47 Beg

Get down on your knees and beg. Pull down frantically at the fabric of her clothing for added effect. Look! It’s really got a bad name, begging does. It’s worked off-and-on for thousands of years! So, give it the old “everything else has failed” shot. You will completely forget losing a little dignity by the time you are melting into your pillow, breathless and totally, blissfully spent. And if it doesn’t work, you’re probably going to be thinking too hard about sex still to fit in much self-loathing or embarrassment.
 

Play Barry White so you can get enough of her love, babe
 

#48 BARRY FRIGGIN’ WHITE!!!

I’ve said it four times before in all the previous parts of 50 Ways to Nudge your Lover and I’ll say it again! Barry friggin’ White, people!!! But since we’re at Defcon Desperate, try installing a wireless surround sound system throughout your entire home and turning the volume up to 11. Don’t worry if you break off a knob getting there, that means it’s working.
 


 

#49 Tattoo

Sexual tattoos are for life, but the chances are you’re probably going to be interested in sex for about that long, sooooooo… I didn’t say these ideas were great or even good! Look in the title! Can you say “HORRIBLY DESPERATE,” boys and girls? Just make sure the tattoo is classy.
 


 

#50 Time Travel

You don’t actually have to solve the mystery of time travel. Just buy or rent a Delorean. Now, screech up to the house, rev the engine or crash into some trash cans to get her attention. When she comes out, scramble over and grab her by the arm, explaining as you drag her to the car that you two need to go back to the past, when you two had sex more often. She’ll probably think the performance is so odd and romantic and amazing that she’ll want to see if she can get 1.21 jiggy-watts in the cramped “fluxing capacity” of the stainless steel sports car.
 

This is it. The end. The last of the 50 Ways. I hope you enjoyed the series, and as odd as this sounds, I hope you get extremely and repeatedly lucky!

-Andy

Andy is wanted in seven states for being dumb and impersonating doctors and medical staff of one form or another, including but not limited to a bed pan sanitation technician. And despite what he may say, or which papers he may produce, there is no such thing as Explosiology.

[ See 1-10 ]
[ See 11-20 ]
[ See 21-30 ]
[ See 31-40 ]

Facebook
You’re not having sex right now, so why not?

Instructional Diagrams
These are not a valid replacement for a healthy, active sex life. But since you’re not having sex right now…
 

39 Comments

39 Responses to “Horribly DESPERATE Ways to Nudge Your Lover (The Last of the 50)”

  1. Christina says:

    I think #42 is my favorite here… However, I think I’d move out until that thing was removed from my living room.

  2. Lindsey says:

    I suggest giving her (or him) a copy of 50 Shades of Grey. Does wonders. And, it’s a trilogy!

  3. I’d opt for #50 because if all else fails, you still have a Delorean. Great Scott!

  4. Monica says:

    So with every set of these, they keep getting funnier and funnier. These are definately the most desperate of the bunch but still the funniest. The vision of the couch though may haunt me for a bit. Kinda scary. Now I will go have a good cry b/c this is the last in the series. I have enjoyed reading them but now that the series is over, I will go cry. *sniff, sniff*

    Great Job Andy! -Loved all 50 (including Barry White 5 times)

    • Andy says:

      Rad! So glad you liked them! They were harder to put together than I thought but 50 really gets up there, hard to keep it clever and funny. And, yeeeeeah, sorry about the couch mind scar. ;)

  5. Elizabeth says:

    OH MY LORDY LORD! I agree with Monica that couch image might haunt me for a while but I GET THE HINT!!!!!! he,he ;)

    Love you!

  6. Pam says:

    This group is my favorite I can’t believe you didn’t list Barry White earlier!

  7. By looking at the photo above, I gather that the key to #43 is placing the sexy sky message right next to a cloud that’s shaped like a chubby?
    Is that right?

    • Andy says:

      That gets kinda supernatural as a requirement. But if you’ve gots “ins” with your God or a badass weather spirit, it doesn’t hurt. Just sayin’

  8. Angel says:

    I agree with the above…Fifty Shades of Grey… guarantee it will work better than any thing else. My husband is happier now than all the years we have been married (and dating)

    • Andy says:

      Dang! That should be printed on the back of the dust over as a quote. Better than a book critic’s quote by a thousand miles. Ha ha!

  9. Drew says:

    50 Shades of Grey is for amateurs. You really want some action give her a copy of the Anne Rice “Sleeping Beauty” trilogy.

  10. porche says:

    Omg! I loved reading all of these! The tattoo could be done with black sharpie (rubs off easily when dry, no stain).
    In fact I’m totally going to do that tonight ^_^
    “grapes in a sling” BWAHAHAHAHA!

  11. MotherDuck says:

    Ha ha ha ha! Where the hell do you get a couch like that! Ikea?

  12. Ralok says:

    hilarious, painful, and sexy XD

  13. 50 is my FAVORITE of the entire series! I’m eighteen, so I don’t even have a husband yet, but I am keeping this idea. (Of course, I’ll be using a big blue Police Box, but that seems sexier anyway, right?)

  14. Laurie says:

    All I know is that I want nothing to do with #44. NOTHING! I dig the idea of a treasure map though!

    • Andy says:

      You can please some of the people all of the time. And all of the people some of the time. But you can’t make all of the people wear panties all of the time. ;)

  15. April says:

    #7 made me laugh so hard I cried! Where do you come up with this stuff? Love it!

    • Andy says:

      Aw jeez! Way to make me feel like a rockstar! This one was hard to put together but the cry-laugh makes it all worth while. ;)

  16. Courtney S says:

    I’ll be honest-I didn’t read all 50 tips. My attention span is limited. Especially when I feel a need to comment on stuff. What I did read (About half) absolutly hilarious. I’m going to tell you something my husband did when our second was born.

    He handed me a helmet told me to put it on, get on to the bed, lay down and hope that he didn’t put a hole in the wall. It had been so long, he didn’t care if my head went through the wall. I laughed so hard, I had no choice but to oblige.

    • Andy says:

      That is so sexy and brilliant and adorable. Since you didn’t get through them all, I’ll let you know, though I sorely regret it, I didn’t write a crash-sex test dummy suggestion in any of the 50. ;)

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