I think this is the song my wife will be muttering quietly, over and over to herself when they discover her, smoking gun in hand, rocking back and forth near my body. In other words, she can’t stand it when I sing it to the little one anymore. I can’t fault her. I’ll totally understand when she finally snaps.
I blame it all on musical toys, of course.
You see, I have two bad habits that gang up on my wife and kids. Spontaneous interruptive singing and Song-Stuck-in-My-Head syndrome. These curses, mixed with musical children’s toys, make for a lethal cocktail for anyone’s sanity. I’ll explain.
Spontaneous Interruptive Singing
I’m just a puppet. I can’t control it. No matter how much a werewolf hates and swears at the moon he’s just going to get damned hairy when it’s full. Likewise, when someone utters some words that are part of some lyrics, it sets me off singing. I cannot hear someone say “…I think to myself…” without the powerful urge to break into the worst Louis Armstrong impression of What A Wonderful World. Here are some real-life examples with the family:
We’re installing curtains and Lizzie says, “Can you raise—” and I cut in with, “♫ YOU RAISE ME UUUUP, SO I CAN STAND ON MOUNTAINS! ♫” (For some reason I always sing this one in a “Kermit goes rock-opera” voice)
Or, I tell Cody that we can’t see a movie at midnight on opening night and he says, “Awww—” and I immediate break in with, “♫ AWWWWWW FREAK OUT! ♫” (And follow with a vocalized disco guitar)
They all love it. … Really? I got away with that? Wow. I can’t believe my computer didn’t explode from sarcasm overload. Anyways. The songs I erupt with aren’t even necessarily songs that I love. They’re the most uncontrollable when I DON’T like them!
Again. The songs I DO NOT like are the ones most likely to set themselves on loop in my head and then smash the controls. The worst thing is, since I don’t like them I’m not really familiar, so it’ll just be one or two lyrics repeating over and over and over and, you get the idea. Don’t look at me like that! I know I’m not the only one. Remember that time you heard some terrible song somewhere and then, as you unlocked your car, for a split-second you asked yourself absentmindedly, “Why can I still hear that crappy song?” BECAUSE YOU WERE JUST SINGING, HUMMING OR WHISTLING IT TO YOURSELF!
The True Villain: Children’s Toys
I love kids and I love music. But some how the two don’t add up to love when the button is pressed on any brightly-colored piece of plastic we just bought for our children. Ugh! Awful. Push-button awfulness. Given to a child who likes to push buttons as much as the heart likes to pump blood. Yay.
One day my two curses kicked in and I was singing The Wheels on the Bus. Lucas absolutely LOVED it. He kept shouting “Again! Again!” Lizzie, who’d heard his toys sing it a bazillion times already, did not love it and resisted shouting what she wanted to. Cody and Max were “plugged” in, and so were immune to my musical stylings.
The wheels on this malfunctioning bus go round and round all the way to Crazy Town.
This continued for a month or two. I even kept if fresh for the lad by inventing new lyrics of things on the bus. A little beat boxing, too. But as you can see in the picture of him covering his ears at the beginning of this post, even the little one has his limits.
The End Is Near
Recently, I’m seeing signs that the end might be near, for my wife’s sanity and for my life. We were driving and Lizzie mentioned, “Does the car seem to drive funny? Maybe the wheels…” She must have heard my deep intake of breath, as I filled my lungs with song, because her pointer finger was instantly poised like a dagger right below my right nostril as she hissed, “DON’T.”
The wheels on the bus no longer go round and round unless she’s is in another part of town.
The Friends on the Facebook go…
LOL, LOL, LOL! The Friends on the Facebook go LOL, all through the Wall.
I can’t think of a way to work “Instructional Diagrams” into a song. But you’ll love ’em.