The Worst Conversation
This post originally appeared as a guest post on PlaygroundDad.com…
Okay. Well, maybe not THE WORST. But definitely one of the worst.
It’s one that ranks up there with “does this outfit make me look fat?” and “do your parents know you’re a serial killer?” or “How much do you love me?” Your answers are inevitably not the right ones and you walk a tight-rope above a pit of alligators in a sea of acid surrounded by a lava moat, metaphorically speaking.
And Avara has a predisposition for prefaces and preambles. She says she has something to say before she says it. She is the queen of the “beforehand-speech”.
Chuck: “Who would YOU be with if your husband was dead?”
But this time, Avara decided to plant an amazing piece of verbal explosives. No preamble, which caught me off-guard: WHO I THINK YOU WOULD BE WITH IF I WEREN’T AROUND.
This subject could, by my estimation, go either: A. MORBID, including her projection of when/how she’d pass away, or CLINICAL, what would’ve happened if we hadn’t met and who is “more my type”.
In either case, I refuse participation on a hundred million levels.
First, this isn’t something I think about and frankly would rather not. Second, this kind of questioning can lead to more suspicion than normal or healthy. Third, it’s all conjecture because who I am now is not who I would’ve been or who I would be without my wife. Just the facts, man.
My dad displaying the same look of understanding that I’d had.To finish her point, she said, “I told you that if I weren’t around, I thought you would’ve been with ‘INSERT FEMALE FRIEND’S NAME HERE’. For any of my friends reading this (all three), I’m not going to say who she said. That would be weird. I casually replied:
Nope, never thought about that and I’m pretty sure she wouldn’t have liked me back. Because who wants a continuous fart and burp factory like me.
I think she was relieved by my lack of answer, even though I wouldn’t have anything to report. Women are weird like that. They sometimes ask questions when they don’t desire an answer.
Maybe one time, when I’m feeling super snarktastic, I’ll tell her that I amended my Will with a specific bride in mind, upon her untimely demise… But then again, I’m pretty sure my untimely demise, after that weak joke, will involve sleeping on a couch and no blanket for a week.
33 Comments
33 Responses to “The Worst Conversation”
Well done Charlie! You dodged that bullet beautifully.
As far as Im concerned, should I die my husband will be single forever, for 2 reasons:
1) I am such a wonderful woman, so nearly perfect in every way that no one could EVER hold a candle to me, never mind replace me.
2) I will haunt him and his new Hussy till the end of time, making their lives a complete misery!
(I dont share well, even in death)
Truth be told, I am actually just afraid of #2. My wife has supernatural skills that will dominate this life and the hereafter. I would rather not have smoke detectors and fire alarms going off every night I came home. Yeesh.
LOL, so you chose the “undervalue myself” strategic.. Most of the women I know wouldn’t let you off the hook that easily.. Anyway, undervalue yourself undervalue the women with you :- p so I would go (as a women) to the next honest answer: “i guess it was someone just like you, as this is the type of women i love”
wow, there are questions ppl just don’t need to ask
(goes with “have you ever fantasize on other women when we are together” kind-of-talks)
Actually, Amit, it wasn’t the “undervalue myself” tactic. It was the “I’m funny and you love me so don’t ask questions that I don’t have the answer to because I love you” strategy.
She asked it without any insecurity or emotion behind it. That was the funniest part of it.
In that case (no intonation on the web, big problem) the best way to deal with things like that between ppl is humor (well, for ppl who HAS humor, like u and Avara)
Dear Amit,
One of the reasons Charlie and I are still very much in love after being together for 11 years AND HAVING AN ALMOST 2 YEAR OLD, is because we have an agreement we communicate any and all to each other…however hard it may be. Lord knows I’m not perfect, but I have every right to ask whatever question I want…whether it makes sense, or is appropriate. One of the reasons I think I can ask such things of Charlie is because I can honestly say…100% without a doubt…that there’s no one else in the world I’d rather be with than my husband. How many people can truly say such a thing???
I’m also eight years older than Charlie, so I know I’m going first…and I also know that no one will even come close to replacing me. HA!
Avara
Actually, given that women usually live longer than men, you two have a fair chance of falling asleep forever together.
The age difference is a good thing when it comes to dying.
‘atta boy, Charlie. Always best to play it safe. For some reason, wives LOVE to talk about this, but they also somehow love it when you adamantly refuse to make it a two-sided conversation. Why the hell is that?
No, idea. But when you figure it out, please write a book on it. You can call it Men are from Mars, Women are Crazy. I only ask 5% of the gross.
The opening sentence:
“I had the time to write this volume because my wife and I were not on speaking terms, as I somehow thought it appropriate to enthusiastically agree with her on who she thought I would be with if she were not around.”
Genius. Almost as good as “It was the best of times, it was the worst of times…”
Hilarious freakin’ book title. I’m a female, but I’d totally buy a copy.
The followup book will be called: “Slaughter-House Five AM” about the shortcomings of men.
I’m going to go torture Jon with this question now
NOTE: Conversations and questions discussed here at HTBAD are not ammunition for furthering questioning of other fiances, boyfriends or husbands. Doing so constitutes below-the-belt hits. Be advised.
My worse fear – I dead early and my husband finds a women who made a much better wife. I’ve have him fooled for 25 years now that I’m the best thing out there. I hate the thought of someone doing this thing with him better than I did. As a women I have to admit I have no idea why I torture myself with these thougts.
…the same reason men torture themselves with those kinds of thoughts: we have severe distaste for the unknown, jealous future that we think we can’t create.
Truth is we can. Creating each moment with each other.
::we now return to our regularly scheduled campy humor!::
Your not alone so do I
I DIE of embaressment. I’ve had him fooled about everything but my self-editing.
This is actually kinda funny because my husband is the one who usually makes these statements!! lol. Just last night he asked me if he was to die and i married another man, would i be willing to have a kid with that child (seeing as how i profess i never want to give birth again due to immense back pain). I told him i’d think about it! lol
It’s true. The roles can be reversed. To be honest, I was very much that guy for many years. Then, after a period of meditation and yak-milking, I found myself a bit more. I realized my jealousy and insecurity derived from a lack of knowledge. It also helped to realize I’m fairly AWESOME.
“What else is a horn for?” – Me
Would it have been wrong to say any of the following:
1. In the gym.
2. Driving some type of sports car.
3. I don’t know; probably having some fun.
4. Why are going somewhere?
5. God I ask myself that question ever..single..day!
1. Yes.
2. Yes.
3. Yes.
4. Yes.
5. Yes.
Wait, what was the question?
We’ve played that game before. It can be very dangerous and rarely has a good ending.
To prevent serious damage the replacements should be people as far fetched as possible, say Mother Teresa and Stephen Hawking.
I’m pretty sure my bluff would be called at Stephen Hawking. Maybe I should go in for something more realistic like Helena Bonham Carter a la Harry Potter or say, any cell mate of an all-female prison?
My wife and I have had this conversation before, and we both came to the conclusion that we’d want the surviving partner to move on when they’re ready.
I love her too much to expect that she’ll never find love again after I leave. She feels the same.
See, and you wonder why you aren’t getting sexed anymore.
This was a perfect opportunity to woo her.
“But she doesn’t have ________.” or “Are you kidding? And miss out on _________.” “There’s not a single other girl I’d rather kiss than you.”
Now’s not the time to lie and say you refuse to play into that ‘crap’ and ‘feed her ego’…
Do not miss golden opportunities like this to super-inflate for sex. (Ahem, but don’t use that phrase…because she’s totally not a blow up doll, and for her to think she is…you may as well get one.)
A similar question was posed to me as I was drifting off to sleep one night (WHY is THAT the time they REALLY want to talk?!?!): “If I died, would you remarry?” There is no right answer and I had a library’s worth of thoughts go through my head (including; Feign a beauty bought of dysentery or “I should have eaten old shellfish purchased from the back of a pick up on the side of the road.”) Knowing she would never let it go (like a fat kid with fudge), I gave, what I thought was the best answer, “No, I don’t think so.” Well, WRONG! I’m such a man… The response? “Why, was it so bad?!” Frig. Then she added, “I’d want you to, so my babies don’t grow up without a mom.”
***Spoiler Alert-stop reading cause a downer is coming: This occurred just a few months before she was killed by a careless driver.
Now, I wish I’d have gotten a short list of suitable candidates from her, cause I don’t seem to have the sense I did 21 yrs ago!
I am the queen of asking this stuff at the worst times. I don’t know why, maybe if he is off guard I’d get a more honest answer?
But I’m awesome- he knows it…I can’t be replaced. However, he knows John Cusack will replace him and is OK with that.
Conclusion: We are crazy but you men are even crazier for loving us.
I’m pretty sure I horrified my husband with a similar conversation, except I didn’t have a specific name for him. I told him I didn’t want him to be alone if I died before him – this may have been around the time we were looking at various life insurance policies – but that he should find himself a nice widow to keep him company. That way, New Wife would understand that I was the Big Love of his life, and they could cherish their memories of their late spouses without any stupid guilt trips about not loving the new spouse enough because they were “living in the past.”
This discussion in my house would go like this:
Me: If you died or weren’t around, I would just move to LA and attempt to sway one of many celebrities away from their partners. What does Eva Longoria or Jessica Biel have that I don’t?
Husband: …
I once asked the if we were lost in the woods, end of times, starving to death, Donner Party status, no other options would you kill me and eat me…he said he would but if the dog was with us he’d eat the dog first…both not okay answers!!
My wife is the queen of such questions.
Once she asked me, if I truly believe she is the most perfect woman for me in the world.
Not paying too much attention at the time my speech-break did not kick in, and I spoke my logic-mathematical mind.
Of course not! Let’s face it; there are 7 billion people in the world of which approximately half is female. So that’s around 3.5 billion potential partners (in time). The odds of my perfect match living not only in the same nation, but in the same city would be absurd.
Fortunately, I became aware of what I was saying before I spoke on, or I would have talked about at least thousands of women more suited out there.
She did not seem particular pleased with my answer. :-/