How to Be a Dad

Fatherhood Friday’s #9: Thrice Times a Lady

Posted by charlie on September 16th, 2011, under EXTERNAL USE ONLY

If this were the Maury Povich show…

MAURY
Annnnnnnnnnnddddd we’re back. Today’s guests say they are totally normal internet links, but they have a special secret they’d like to share…

… THEY’RE ACTUALLY SIBLINGS!!!!

THE CROWD
BOOOOOOOOO…..

Alright, kidding aside, if you guys find CRAZYWTF internet stuff, you can always WRITE US HERE.

Too lazy to use the internet? SIGN UP FOR OUR WEEKLY EMAIL!

There is no caption possible that would be appropriate here…

1. Gangsta Coloring Book
This is the kind of book, if I actually HAD dinner parties, I would mix in with other coloring books and leave on a coffee table just to watch people lose their minds. Definitely not for kids, apparently you get to color a myriad of hip-hop stars: Mr. Smalls, Easy E, Ice Cube, to name a few.

Sure, it reinforces negative stereotypes and glorifies some pretty bad role models and marginalizes human beings, but hey — we’re all having fun RIGHT? RIGHT? Of course, we are. To readers who might say: “I am totally unfollowing you on Twitbook right now for posting this” — let me just say, go right ahead. Make a coloring book about me. Don’t spare any punches.

Don’t call it a coloring book. That’s racist. Learn more: CLICK HERE!

Learn to tie a quintuple windsor! A crossbow!

2. 5 New Ways to Tie a Tie
Tired of that old “Mad Men”-style skinny tie? Or that old tie knot your grandpa taught you?

Then, these five new ways are for you.

These never-before-seen tie tying ways for ties will absolutely blow your mind. Say, you want to eat a banana but need to write an entire blog piece with your eyes closed… then, learn the “The Practical.” Want to grow a quick beard? Train yourself in the ancient art of “The Lovecraft” and pray to the tie gods!

These ties will wrap themselves around your heart and funny bone.

Go see what a NOOB tie-wearer you are, fine sirs and madams: CLICK HERE!

Stop crying you sissy. These films scare kids not adults…

3. 10 Best Animated Films for (Traumatizing) Kids
Good thing I’ve never cried at any of these movies. I’m much too tough for that.

My father made me watch The Exorcist and The Shining (and probably a hundred other traumatic movies starting with a “the”) to toughen me up. I used to confuse “Mr. Mom” with “The Shining.” I’d have nightmares of an over-soaped washing machine exploding with Jack Nicholson chopping down the door with an axe. Good times.

Also, the raccoon testicles? Stop the crazy.

These films are not yet rated. Oh, wait… RATED: NRFK (NOT REALLY FOR KIDS): CLICK HERE!

And now today’s BONUS ROUND, do a good deed and learn about SU2C…