Fatherhood Friday’s #8: The Revenge of More (NSFW)
HEEEEEERRRRREEEEE’SSSS CHARLIEEEE!!!
Yeah, we’re back with another installment of weird stuff that we found on the web. We’re your own personal StumbleUpon. We’re like Pinterest minus the cute dresses and yummy cupcakes and junk. Teehee!
Join our PINTEREST page and be like all cool and stuff, like yeah: Pinterest for Dudes!
Actually, this is the only category of stuff that we didn’t make ourselves. Crazy, I know. But, you know what? Someone told me they actually read and like this stuff, so we’re gonna do it again. See what happens when you interact and say to me: “hey” or “good job” or “stop talking” or “I’m gonna mace you”? It gives me the strength to keep on annoying you.
I know. You’re impressed.
Anyway, here’s another compilation of weird/random/stuff that two dads found… which is pretty much the only reason it’s on here right? Ughhhh….
Anyone else wanna go green? Yeah, that’s what I thought. Punkasses.1. Don Cheadle is Captain Planet (NSFW Language)
Captain Planet, if you weren’t born in the 80′s and watched cartoons in the 90′s, was a cartoon show for eco-terrorists and kids. It was a form of “edutainment”, which is a politically correct word for brainwashing.
The show centered around some kids who wore some mystical rings given to them by a recently awakened and pissed off Mother Earth (Gaia). When they combined their rings, a superhero came to save the day, Captain Planet.
When I think, “Who’d be best at playing Captain Planet in a live action version?”, there is only one clear choice: DON “MUTHA-EFFING” CHEADLE. That’s who. So, in this FunnyorDie version, Captain Planet is a little pissed. I’d be pissed. I mean look at this planet. It’s like a frat party bathroom after drinking tequila with Jamba Juice smoothie chasers. Not that I… ever… did that…
Watch this video or Captain Planet eco-terrorize you: CLICK HERE!
The purpose of parenting, based on these products, is to scare the sh*t out of your kids.
2. 20 Great Products For Traumatizing Infants
Some people are “idea men.” Some people are “finishers.” The people who made these products are neither of those.
If I imagined a series of products that were the WORST possible, most ill-conceived abominations to scare the crap out of or emotionally damage children, I couldn’t have envisioned these lovely items.
Seriously, who thinks of a pair of “man boobs” or “baby tattoos”. One of my personal favorites, the swimming neck ring, looks like something they used on inmates at Abu Ghraib before agents got the “vital information” they needed.
I get the usefulness of a product that looks like a straw into your baby’s nose. Fine. But baby perfume? A horse saddle for dads? BABY HIGH HEELS??!?!??WHATHEFUGGISGOINGONEHEREARGHHHJ!?!?#??@@$)_T(U^$#)45
STOP THE INSANITY. STOP IT NOW.
We’re already scared to death by the makers of thousands of products. We’re coerced into thinking that one car seat could mean life or death over a different one. If we don’t buy the right formula or purchase the correct baby monitor, we might be taken away by Child Services.
Make the stupid stop.
Fine. Go see these products and weep for humanity: CLICK HERE!
And now today’s BONUS ROUND from noted parenting expert, Frank Zappa…
10 Comments
10 Responses to “Fatherhood Friday’s #8: The Revenge of More (NSFW)”
Have very little to say about those products, other than the chamois suit, because really? That’s genius! Having had 2 huskies and a baby, I can tell you they were going to pick it up anyways, this way it just looks like you meant it *g*
Love your Pinterest page too, I’m off to do more stalking.
Uhm. Actually, I think the Sleeper Sweeper and Cradle-Anywhere aka Look Kid, No Body is…brilliant.
Someone recommended I buy PeePee Teepees when I posted on FB about my son peeing on me for the first time hahahaha
I do like the idea of the cradle-anywhere…looks perfecty safe!! ;-P
Frank Zappa. Despite his unfortunate name choices for his children, Moon Unit? Dweezil? was so right on. My (now adult)kids were/are amazing human beings who were anything but boring. All of my gray hairs are named after them. We received a lot of “oh, you poor thing” and “It must be so hard for you” when they were small. Oh no, my friends. My husband and I are hugely proud and honored to be parents to these amazing human beings. BTW. I just realized that this post is confusing in that it has little bearing on the strange products post. They (the products) are, indeed strange. But you have to know some neurotic twits will buy them.I’m just commenting on Mr. “Watch out where the huskies go and don’t you eat the yellow snow!” Zappa.
I think the baby mop is actually pretty funny. We have dogs and cats, and the kids can get under furniture more readily than I can… Hmmm…
So now you can get your infant pink hooker heals and a wig. I will provide the pink lipstick and the first words we teach them are “it rubs the lotion on its skin or it gets the hose again.” Excellent!
It is seriously disturbing what some people will buy!
The Baby Mop has me thinking about what other tedious chores I can pawn off on my son. Anyone know how to attach a Briggs & Stratton motor to a onesie?
I like what Zappa has to say. Here’s to non-boring kids.
But I don’t care what you say – that baby outfit/rag mop deal is a GOOD idea. They spend so much time messing up the floors, why not make them useful in dusting it?!
Do they sell that baby mop-thing in teenager sizes?