How to Be a Dad

How to Be a Dad

The Night My Wife Made Me Sleep Outside in the Car

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BlogHer is 2011, BlogHim is the future

Oh, yeah. That was two nights ago…

Honestly, I wanted to name this post “Mommy Bloggers are Bananas” but I thought we should start with the end…

Los Angeles gray skies
Today’s weather forecast: bloggy with a chance of shame.

On Saturday, Andy and I braved the drive down south to attend a women’s blog conference (“BlogHer”). We had no idea what we were in for, given that:

A.We come equipped with penii. Penises. Pennies. Whatever.

2. We began blogging a few months ago.

And I already know what you’re thinking, “Ohfortheloveofbacon, please don’t talk about a going to a blog conference.”I understand. I would be saying the exact same thing. It’s like John Malkovich talking about the scene in “Being John Malkovich” when the characters can only say “Malkovich”. Bloggers talking about blogging is not funny or interesting, unless you blog. But just stay with me for a few more words because the trip wasn’t without it’s hilarity. Did I mention I don’t even like the word “blog”?

Our trip to Blogher - Arriving at the San Diego Convention Center
Our conference itinerary using crayons because we’re pro’s. Click the image to see it!

I picked up Andy at 7:00am, Saturday morning. The night before, as per usual, both of us stayed up well past our respective bedtimes. In addition, Andy left our business cards an hour away and went to bed at 4:00am. I stayed up late whittling throwing spears in case the mom bloggers went all lynch-mobby on us. We peeled out by 7:15am and got coffee. We both ordered XXXXL bucket-sized cups, but Andy got his done intravenously. There are a lot of drinking games I could probably win. But the ones involving coffee… against Andy… forget it. We also saw a 12 year old girl order a triple espresso and a guy getting into an argument with his dog.

As we sped down I-5 South, we pontificated about the reaction conference attendees might have to us two dad-bloggers, if anyone could’ve seen our stuff, why we were going in the first place and if we’d be ambushed by a Chris Hansen and his “To Catch A Twitterer” film crew about our Twitter followers.

By two hours into the drive to San Diego, both of us were squirming in our seats from our liquid breakfasts, but we knew Shamu couldn’t help us with the goings-on in our bowels. Andy was about geyser his pants and my molten lava threatened breach every inch I drove.

do not use a coffee bean & tea leaf cup as a toilet
This is not an ad for Coffee Bean & Tea Leaf. It’s an ad for Coffee Peein’ & Re-lief. Use as directed.

We fishtailed into a parking lot and did an Olympic run-walk with clenched fists for a nearby cafe. The place was overrun and seven people deep for the bathroom. Great. I waited in line while Andy scouted down the street for additional drop sites. I made it into the bathroom in time. When I emerged as a new man with a deeper respect for the plumbing arts, I ran into Andy again. He looked equally eased. Hmmm… Apparently, he pulled a ninja-dad move facing a shipping dock (irony), only to notice the wall of windows facing him while mid-stream. We all know you can’t cross the streams, but you also can’t stop the streams midway.

Surrounded by scores and scores of webtroverts and literati-moms, we were overwhelmed. So we did what any two guys would do in a sea of uteruses, we went and got breakfast. Chewing, we looked at our options in the conference schedule and decided we would loudly crash a couple panels, maybe burst through the doors and say “We come bearing testosterone.” In the end, it didn’t happen but we wished it would have (not unlike our keg backpack idea).

HERSHEY'S S'mores Snacktivity545
Making s’mores at the Hershey Chocolate cave. Lighting stuff on fire and eating chocolate? Yeah, I’m in. I’m all in.

We went to a couple panels including one where Andy spoke at length about Twitter for an extended period of time until he relinquished the fact that he’s never once posted to Twitter, and then we met up with some rad people as they rendezboozed into the evening. We only felt uncomfortable about being there when we went to sponsor suites. They didn’t stand up to greet us when we entered as they realized we came in sans fallopian tubes. We were the perceived accessories.

We finally left around 1:00am and drove a stray dad blogger home since he was local. We sat around, in front of his house, bellowing in our car for a good 30 minutes. We made our 2.5 hour trek back. I caught my second, third and fourth winds while driving. There were few moments I had roll the windows down, blast hardcore metal music and maybe scream into the freeway air to make sure I stayed sharp. I practically told Andy to open the car door and make sure he tucked his arms as he flew out of the car up to his door.

When I pulled up to my place at 4:30am, I had a magical realization: I didn’t bring any house keys. So I sat in my car in a brainspin. Normally, I would’ve just made the call and awoken my angelic wife but with a teething, feverish baby who’d been waking up intermittently all night, I couldn’t bear being that masochistic. So, I texted her a few times and then angled myself to try to sleep in my car. It was a delicious taste of homelessness. Forty-five minutes into my non-sleep, my wife texted back and I dragged my corpse into the house, extricating business cards from my pockets and tearing off sleep-soaked clothing.

Many said it couldn’t be done. We couldn’t do a one-day trip. But we will not be bested by a whale’s vagina (see video below)…

 

Study our Instructional Diagrams, they will make you less smarter and more dumberer, but it’s worth it!!

You know what’s funny? OUR BLOG! HA! HA! JUST KIDDING!

 

43 Comments

43 Responses to “The Night My Wife Made Me Sleep Outside in the Car”

  1. You and Andy are the perfect candidates to organize a BlogGit Conference, open to men or women, no discrimination on the basis of sex. Especially gits. (Git – n. British Slang – A foolish or contemptible person.)

  2. Briana says:

    LOL @ accessory. Now, I’m wondering if that’s what my husband felt like hanging out with me at Blogher!

  3. Amit says:

    I think you guys should have taken a room in a cheap hotel and make the story even better! ;- P

  4. Krystal says:

    Yes, it was epic, BUT you did not pass out in the lobby, so points there. It was a pleasure meeting you guys.

  5. andy says:

    I promise I won’t talk as much next time. Or drink as much coffee.

  6. Please oh please tell me that is not Andy’s urine.

    So great to meet you guys in person! Glad you made it home eventually. :)

    • charlie says:

      I plead every amendment that will protect and avoid any answering of questions on that subject.

      • Forget worry about the word blog — you just posted URINE! THAT makes me queasy. ;) Bring on the BLOGGING!!!

        But seriously – WHY don’t you like the word blog? Does it have connotations of self absorbed navel gazers posting their lives online in hopes of some sort of validation??? Cause if so, suck it up baby.

  7. Elizabeth says:

    Great story of the adventure to San Diego!

    I had to laugh at your comment on hating the word blog. It makes me queasy even saying it!!!

  8. jetts31 says:

    That’s it, I have to get to #12 in NYC next year.

  9. beta dad says:

    Thanks again for the ride. I’m still hoarse, and I was only the second loudest bellower in the car. Also, bloggity blog blog blog bloggity blog.

  10. PJ Mullen says:

    Webtroverts, I will totally be stealing that. Great meeting you guys.

  11. Cheryl M. says:

    I saw a post somewhere in my blog-surfing about finding a sponsor…if I can find it (hopefully in my favorites with all the other stuff I don’t want to lose), I’ll send you guys a link. Needless to say, I didn’t make it this year as I live on the edge of the earth (Eastern MA), but NYC is way closer, so I’m hoping for next year!

  12. Only just found your site today (LOVE). Only just heard about BlogHer a couple weeks ago. What an…interesting name — they obviously did not consult any men when coming up with that name, otherwise they surely would’ve heard (within seconds) “BlogHer? I don’t even know her…”

    Anyhoo, I was just curious as to how many other BlogHims you saw/met at the conference? I’m much closer to NYC so might entertain the possibility of going in 2012.

    • andy says:

      Not a lot. I think I’ve got more fingers and toes than the number of daddy bloggers there. But I can’t be sure and it was hard to tell who were just the daddies attached to the attending mommy bloggers and the one’s who were themselves bloggers.

  13. I’m surprised Andy didn’t try to bum $20 bucks off you. He’s like that, but he’s also just charming enough you can’t help but fork it over. Sorry I didn’t make it out – would’ve been nice to meet.

  14. the muskrat says:

    If I’d realized this was your plan on Saturday when we were together, I’d have likely smacked you.

    Of course, I did this type of stuff back when I was 22 or so. One involved a trip to the beach; the other, NASCAR. Somehow, BlogHer seems tamer.

  15. Robert says:

    who doesn’t keep his house keys with his car keys???

  16. Larry says:

    That is one long ass day!!

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