Dirty Diapers: Fast Birth Control
I’m sitting here. It’s 2am. I was going to write something completely different for our Monday “Notebook” post, but suddenly while eating my son’s cookies, it hit me.
I’ve eaten all of my sons cookies.
From the look in his eyes, you can tell Finn is working on his latest “sculpture”.Actually, that won’t hit me until later this morning when I go to pack his lunch.
No, dear readers, my mental train was derailed (read: “deranged”), so let’s ignore my transgression for the moment and talk about something a bit more lurid than me stuffing 83 gluten-free animals in my mouth. And for the record, that is not a euphemism.
Recently, I had an acquaintance ask me to lie to her spouse. We’ll call them Ben and Mary, to protect the guilty. Mary wanted me to tell her husband that “parenthood is an easy, super relaxed” ordeal. It’s proverbial cake. She went on to say that I was one of the few men she knew who looked like he was having a good time raising a child and not one of the more frazzled, frumpy dads she’d seen all her life. Ha! Fooled her!
I told her I wouldn’t lie to Ben.
As you may well know, each parenting experience is completely unique from the next. More importantly, no child and no parent are exactly alike in how they coalesce. I couldn’t damn well tell him some glossed over Norman Rockwell tale in good conscience because that wasn’t exactly the case for me and I wasn’t about to throw any father-to-be under the baby bus. She was very eager to start having babies and he didn’t feel ready, which I can totally understand. Not every dude is built to want babies the moment they finish puberty. It means loss of their youth or their manhood. To some guys, it means the end of era for them… what a crock of shit. All of that.
I’ve always rooted for kids. They usually get the shaft: not tall enough, not quiet enough, not achieving enough, not enough quarters in their pockets to play the game. The idea of fathering a son or daughter, while I couldn’t have said whether I would do it well, I certainly knew I wanted to be that man. Having a child doesn’t have to equate to cutting your balls off and sticking them in a jar. In fact, it can mean quite the opposite. It also doesn’t mean “keep being that fraternity asshole you’ve always been” either. It’s an opportunity to be or perhaps further become a better man, a better teacher. Or at least just becoming a better diaper changer, or manservant.
“Bonjour, may nehme iz Feen. I yam yoehr pupe consee-erge.”Ben then came to me, as if we were in a romantic comedy script, and asked if I could tell Mary how hard it was to care for a wee babe so she would back off a little. I said I couldn’t do that either. How could I spout off my rough experiences and ruin their fantasies of storks and giggling bundles? Who says everyone has a tough time? But I replied, out of fraternity, that I would have her accompany me while I changed one of Finn’s noxious poop-splosion diapers and maybe that would unlock the crank on the baby vice grip she had on him, if only to hold her off for just a little bit.
Well, by the time we were finished I’d done my job. We closed the diaper, she picked him up and my son managed to pitch half a volume of throw-up on Mary. After that she was content with holding my son and playing with him, but only for short periods of time. The best kind of birth control had been put in place: THE SOILED DIAPER.
11 Comments
11 Responses to “Dirty Diapers: Fast Birth Control”
I’m a total baby-pusher…in my opinion, no matter what I do, the parents will not have kids till they’re ready anyway. But that doesn’t mean I can’t have the hubby play peek-a-boo with Braelyn while the wife holds Liam and accepts all his charming baby smiles
. Nothing wrong with starting a little “baby fire”!
…^ that last sentence could sound REALLY BAD taken out of context :-/
Anyway, in the sit you spoke of (wrote of?) above, I would have “ben” play with Braelyn and leave it at that…it would be evil to light “Mary’s” fire even more
Love the reference to the Dr Pepper add I haven’t seen since childhood. Ahhh. For my youth back.
My husband and I are on our twelfth week of parenthood and there are definitely times that I have had one of those, “What did I get myself into,” moments but then my Husband points to our son and shows me the best thing we have done in our lives to date.
I think a good sense of humor is the key to embracing parenthood.
I do not endorse baby pushing, it is a lifelong commitment that you can’t understand until you have one yourself.
Hmmm….the soiled diaper method doesn’t work for everyone. I’ve changed several, and been vomited on, and the baby bug hasn’t gone away. Unfortunately, my husband hasn’t caught it yet.
My husband and I were the first couple in our group of close friends to have kids. Actually, we’re still the only ones with kids… But our friends do play with our kids. Hmm… I wonder if that has something to do with the fact that they don’t have any of their own? Interesting.
The best thing about childless friends who want kids (like your friend “Mary”) is that they’re eager babysitters. At least until they deal with nuclear diapers and projectile vomit.
Did I just see you in a Crohn’s disease commerical? Well, did I?
I never babysat, never. And I’m one of ten kids. And I love having a child. I don’t like other peoples kids but….well they’re weird. I have been around poopie diapers, screaming children and essentially every bad baby ever. And yes, it was great birthcontrol.
Yes, you did! Where did you see it, do you remember?
I totally hear you on your 2nd paragraph. hehe..
Excellent. I usually do that with my single or newly married friends. They ask to hold the baby and play, but then I ask them to change a diaper and they’d rather not. It really is the best form of birth control.
WM
Mine is always the sleep. I don’t think people understand TIRED. I always offer to spend the night and wake them every hour and a half screaming. Then force them to stay awake for an hour or so to feed me. The offer has never been accepted. *gee I wonder why*
Hi,
I´m a 33 years old Brazilian father , and I have two boys(9y and 2y). I totally agree when you say that the experience is different for each son (you did not say in those words, but anyway!). I also have different xp change dippers, but the most funny was quite recently. I left my two years old boy on the bad, and left him for one minute, to take something. When I came back he was trying to change the dipper himself. Can you imagine the massy on my bad. My lucky! My wife was out and could clean all up. Good and funny blog. I´ll follow it.
Best regard
My sister (who has a 5yo daughter) was getting “baby fever”…until I came to visit with my 5yo and 6mo. My mom called me later and told me our visit sucked all the romance right out of the idea of having another kid for my sis!
Funny…I thought the day went rather well.