He’s Lost That Lovin’ Feeling…
My dad was never very affectionate with me. He never showed any emotion and never made me feel loved. I sat up crying at night wondering if he ever wanted to have a son at all…
Just kidding. I’m a horrible liar. Reverse it. None of that is true.
My dad assaulted us with snuggles in public. He rubbed our shoulders like prize fighters. He made every effort to dispatch kisses, snagging us into an embrace without relenting when requested. But my father’s forte was tickling me so much and so painfully with his piercing fingerblades in my bare armpits that I thought I might actually have a heart attack. I wondered if he ever knew that the tears in my eyes were a brackish water of laughter and shrieks from his tickles. My brother and I would beg for him to stop but he never listened. But that’s how he rolled.
I learned cuddles from The Master: Stephen Capen, my dad. By the way, that was my favorite hat of all time.And I really miss it. Weird.
So, in my father’s honor, I’ve started unleashing my own version of PDA carpet bombing on that son o’ mine. I love my son. I probably dote on him “too much”, whatever the f*ck that means. I’m not exactly effeminate in how I deliver it and I respect his desire to be his own man when he says “no”… unlike my dad. We used to have this thing where I’d see him come home and I’d yell at him, “Hey Finn, where’s my hug you little monkey?!” He’d come waddle-skipping over and we’d hug it out. We had great hugs. I’d go in for a neck crease sniff and kiss his clammy hair. To a dad, there’s nothing better than a toddler covered in sweat and dirt. It means our kid played and got dirty like a pro, a job well done that day.
But I have to tell you, for the past 19 days I’ve gotten no hugs and no kisses from my little Finn. It’s putting my heart through a meat grinder. I’m getting an emotional ass-beating from a little guy who’s not even two years old. But don’t you worry about me. I’m not going to go ugly-cry in a corner somewhere. Somehow, I’m now hallucinating that he’s lost that lovin’ feeling for me. He can’t be bothered with me anymore. He thinks I smell. Something. Maybe, I’ve somehow pissed him off. I thought that stuff started happening much later, say 10 years later?
Back in the honeymoon days when my son and I snuggled like pro’s.I’m sitting here, procrastin-eating about what I can actually do about it. How do you confront a less-than-two-year-old about his waining love for his father? I’m sure some self-help book would tell me to write a letter to him and burn it in a pyre of his stank diapers. Maybe some therapist would have me do a puppet show with Elmo and Cookie Monster “expressing themselves” about conflict resolution. Then, there’s the tried and true method of Irish unexpressed aggression: the “sit and stew” technique.
Now, before you throw everything at me all at once just know that someone has already said “it’s a phase that he’ll grow out of” and went on to say “just wait until he turns three, then he’ll only want his dad” — alright, I guess I can wait it out for ANOTHER YEAR. My god. What if he never wants to be close with me again?
Sometimes, like a science experiment, I’ll tell Finn to give his mom a kiss, something I know I can’t resist, and he goes for it like he’s been trained in the military to lavish love on my wife. Last week I posted a quote from my wife about the different roles of moms and dads. He’s taking it totally literally.
To round it all out, he’s begun defying my polite requests, saying “no” to eating various foods and staying up way past his bedtime. It’s like he wants me to become the 1950′s authoritarian dad I said I would never become. No closeness, just pure leadership and stressing being an effective person. I don’t want to be the ‘Dads Don’t Give Hugs, They Give Pats On The Back’ dad. I refuse.
What do you think I should do? I’m always up for a good enhanced interrogation technique at this point. Just make the hurt stop. I feel like some snuggle addict jonesing for a fix. Give me my hugs back.
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39 Comments
39 Responses to “He’s Lost That Lovin’ Feeling…”
Sometimes I think there’s something to the whole “momma’s boy” and “daddy’s girl” thing. It’s nothing personal yet, that’ll happen when “teenpocalypse” hits. Keep your head up, sport.
Yeah, I think I’d have to agree with you. It gets down and dirty when they realize you aren’t the perfect superhero they thought you were… I mean other people… not me.
Thanks for the encouragement. Kinda needed it. Got a case of the Mondays.
Loved your post… very sweet… You Dad sounded amazing! Do what your doing.. and he wil come around.. promise! He’s lucky to have made out with a Dad like you!!! My boys are more cuddly with me {almost 5 and almost 3}…my husband is always wrestling with them and playing funny sarcastic games.. the boys are always in stitches with him…and more mellow and cuddly with me.. Finn is probably just becoming more busy and doesn’t have enough time right now for all those baby snuggles you miss:)
ps
I can’t believe Finn is almost 2.. I totally thought he was almost 1..as you could tell by the Giants T we sent him… we were off about a year! Hang in there… and Happy Monday!
I guess “wrestling” is the new “snuggle”. You’re totally right.
No worries about the shirt.
Have to convert babies down here to be Giants’ fans in LA.
Happy Monday!!!! lol..
Braelyn goes back and forth between mommy and daddy. Right now if I’m not the one putting her to bed, bedtime just doesn’t happen. But it was the opposite 3 months ago. I just wait it out but I can see it kills Jon as well
patience is a virtue?
Patience is a virtue and my well of virtue is going through a DROUGHT!!! Lol…
Lol!!!
soon enough you’ll be playing sports with him and giving him advice on girls hahaha
I am sorry to say that I have no advice but I can tell you that my poor husband is going through the same thing. Both of my kids are totally all about Mommy right now . . . it will shift . . . it has before . . . but he is just trying to make certain he is totally present even if they don’t acknowledge him.
Not letting it get to you in a personal way, that’s the hardest. Sometimes we affix super jaded, complicated thought processes to our kids. I try to treat him as an adult as often as possible. But I need to remember that I can’t, like I try to do with adults, just assume I know everything that’s going on for him.
I fall into the same trap. I treat J as an adult and then wrongly get frustrated when I can’t reason with her about certain things and have to remember OH YEAH, she’s only 4.
Lol. The mirage of total responsibility will extend well past the teens, by my own experience.
I have a baby girl 2 1/2 and I am the magic man when it comes snuggles – she HAS to fall asleep with daddy every night while mommy is left alone in the cold (okay that sounds weird). It may be different with boys and magician never reveals his tricks – But maybe to relieve you of your torturous year of no-love. Here’s the answer: “Reach and Withdraw” one day smother him and next day sneak in and don’t say a word – let him watch Spider-man while you watch your own movie in your room with your laptop. He’ll be wrestling you in no time.
Yeah, I wonder about the opposite gender thing. My mom told me today that I loved kisses as a kid, but only from women. Imagine that. I’m still the same way…
I have tried various times to reach to him, show him my interest and then change it up a bit. He seems determined not to be undermined in his decision. I have a feeling there will be a day when he needs consolation or to feel safe, and his dad will be there for him. Then all will be right in the world.
I am not a DAD I am a MOM, and have gone through this with my son, it about killed me, he wanted the babysitter more then he wanted me. I just had to keep telling myself that it was do to the fact that I had to work a lot,and he spent more time with her. HE came around,and now it seems like I cant go to the bathroom with out him!!! You wait and see,in no time he is going to be giving you double the hugs and kisses..
Just as applicable with or without testicles, I’d say.
I’ll take double the hugs and kisses.
What’s even funnier is I was once like your son. Super hardcore anxiety about being left alone, etc. I drove my mother insane. Maybe this is some kind of reverse karma hitting me square in the face.
Lucas is getting pretty vicious too, these days. My solution? Pretend that each slap is like a kiss. Love slaps. I’ll tell you, boy oh boy, he really loves me right now! And every projectile hurled at me I imagine is his way of non-vocally saying, “Thanks, Dad. Thanks for being there. And to commemorate you being there, I’m going to throw this plastic helicopter at you.”
Damn you, Andy. You get me every time. Geez.
I think the phrase of the day is: “Wrestling is the new snuggle.”
Hey, we’re partners, we gotta keep each other sane. Plus, our kids have the market cornered on insane, so there’s no room for more.
Hey Charlie I love how honest you are about what’s going on between you and Finn. It takes guts!
My son’s now 10 yrs, my daughter’s 7. I’ve been through so many intense stages with my kids, one things starting to become obvious for me.
My kids are always trying to teach something about myself. Whatever effect they have on me, I now take the time to really feel it. Simply feel what’s going on without jumping to any conclusions.
I find if I feel what’s happening inside of me, without attaching any stories to it, something shifts. I discover something about myself I never new, and it’s because of my kid’s innocent reflection that I gain this new insight.
I’m only just starting to see my children for the incredible gift they truly are. They awaken me to my denied fears, pain, needs and unique talent. In return for this incredible gift of self-awareness I give them whatever worldly support, love and affection they need to become fulfilled and realise they’re true potential.
Hey Charlie, I’m right there with you buddy, when I saw this I thought maybe you’d been talkin to Steph about me. I guess Braelyn and Finn are going through the same stage right now… Maybe during the time they spent together they exchanged plans for their future treatment of us lucky fathers… I’m lucky enough to have Liam who currently loves to be held by daddy, but of late I’m finding I’m missing hugs from Braelyn like a smoker on the patch… Steph is constantly trying to reassure me but honestly there’s only one cure for the itch and right now she ain’t sharing…. So even though I don’t feel better, after having read this it does lend credence to the “it’s just a phase” idea….
Thanks for commenting, man. I guess we just gotta weather the storm.
Yeah… we should take it like a couple of irishmen over a pint or or 6…
Is there a neighbor kid who’ll let you hug him?
Restraining orders. Got ‘em. Hate ‘em.
The local Superior Court clerk knows my name and address by heart now. I miss the touching.
::Internal Monologue:: “If I back away slowly, will anyone notice?”
Hi I’m a Mum my boys are 2.5 & 1yr and they take turns in trying it on with Dad more than Mum and vice versa. Try telling him he’s is not allowed to hug you. Reverse psychology is working a treat with my toddler at the moment. (little rabbit) but I have to keep reminding myself that my boys and I aren’t friends they need parents not friends so maybe step back a little Daddy. You know he loves you don’t be a big baby
Keep your tears for the shower.
I try to keep my crying to only: the car, the shower, making breakfast, clipping my toe nails, washing dishes, rubbing my wife’s feet & watching Harry Potter.
My daughter fluctuates back and forth between the two of us. One day she tells daddy she loves me more and then next tells me she loves daddy more (she is 5). My little boy loves to cuddle with me and no body else (he is 16 months). So it will change around and go all over the place.
Good point. I’m sort of dreading the day when my son uses emotional collateral to fluster and jab at me. It’ll be an interesting day when he starts doing that.
Okay, I’ve got two boys – 5yo and 5mo. My oldest has pretty much been a Mamma’s boy for the most part. (except right when Daddy gets home, then he gets a severe case of Daddyshomeitis!) Then, all of the sudden I hear this: “Boys don’t need Mammas, they only need Daddys!” O U C H!
I heard that on a daily basis for two months, right after he turned five. It was like being skewered with a rusty halberd (combination spear/axe).
Thankfully, he’s come around – full force. Now, even right after he just woke up and is all groggy and sleepy, he throws his arms around me and give me a hug, a kiss and an “I love you Mamma.”
So don’t worry – you’re little man will come around and lavish you with more love than you thought possible!
I still have a case of “daddyshowmeitis” and my father passed away a few years ago.
And by the by, no need to define “halberd”. I’m two steps away from LARPing and Cosplay in my mind #NERDALERT
Thanks for the vote of confidence though!!
Dude you razzy the shit outa that lil boy!
i mean like just like you pops did for you. you take him to the ground lift his shirt and just razyy the hell outs him get him to cry scream squeal and if need be piss his pants all kids love razzy and love to be played with. no kid can be stiff after a razzy
Where have those days gone? I really like this post and identify with it. I keep looking at my son’s picture on the wall next to my bed and immediately feel that sense of guilt. Of course, I later realize I can not control time as I wish I could. He still 6 years old and will keep on hugging him until the day he asks me to stop.!!
Same thing with my boys 3 and 6. I’m pretty sure things will change when they start wanting to borrow my car. Seriously, hang in there…keep loving your kids. Remember, they’re like little sales guys…if they get a reaction from doing/not doing something…then they’ll do it again. If it works twice they setup a business…if it works five times they setup a franchise business.
lol, oh he’s SO CUTE!! my daughter did that to me too at that age. they just become so independent. it sucks. but now that she’s 5, she’s all over me. it’s great!
My opinion? Hold on. My little guy is getting ready to turn 7 and it is not an odd event when he comes up to me and simply hugs me for no clear reason at all. He’s sweet and happy and we get along like peanut butter and jam. And yeah, I remember that era where every response to everything and anything was tears. I held him and told him I loved him (even though I was the one who put back that HUGE candy bar), and remembered just to be near when he couldn’t take even my presence. You know your kid, and in the end it’ll be your patience and knowledge that’ll help him grow up to be that wonderful adult. And yeah, it’ll involve a whole lot of tears beyond closed doors. You’ll get there.
I have 2 boys…one 6 and one Finn’s age and right now its all DADDY (the FUN one) everything…until somebody needs their lunches packed, clothes washed, butts wiped, or room cleaned. Hmmph!
I have come to the conclusion that I have to now do some underhanded things to gain back some affection.
So here’s what you do:
Keep some forbidden candy or other item in your pocket/car/bedroom door. Something your spouse would NEVER allow.
At the opportune time- give to said child and bask in the glow of “who’s the cooler parent NOW…hahaha”.
You know that horrid germ infested Chuck E Cheese we all dread like the plague… that also works. Although you may need to have a drink before entering and bathe in Lysol upon exiting.
Or the “No Toys from the Supermarket” rule….go ahead, plunk down a dollar on that $0.99 cent hotwheels car.
Hey, you gotta do what you gotta do.
This is an older one i see, Hopefully he is over it by now! It reminds me of the Dad/Grandpa in “Raising Hope” He would stage horrendous things to rescue him from and then the boy would cuddle him for a really long time!You say Stranger Danger I say cuddle time!