Fatherhood Fridays #5
What’s up Party Parents?!
We’ve got some more crazy from the internetz, just for you. I mean the internet, which, as my dad used to say, is mile-wide and an inch deep. There’s gotta be something mildly interesting on here, right?
I present to you, How To Be A Dad’s “Fatherhood Fridays” #5:
You need a high-protein drink that can also induce vomiting.1. Meat Water: Yep, It’s Real
I know “nutritionists” loudly tout getting electrolytes as the most important thing in life. But they were wrong.
It’s all about protein. Drinkable protein-tasting water like the kind made by a company aptly named MEAT WATER.
Meat Water could’ve shoved a cheeseburger into a Vitamin Water bottle and I would’ve drunk it, but this company went the extra step. They made water have the subtle taste of an Hungarian Gulash or a Tandoori Chicken. Need a quick salmon salad? Drink it up. You can’t put a price on an experienced palate like theirs. This is a carnivore’s wet dream.
Then we hear: “You need to be eating more protein.” Little do “they” know, you should be drinking more protein water. Meat water. I hear models and actresses constantly say, “Oh, I eat pizza and pork loin and junk like that.” Now we know what they really mean. They drink it.
Who wants to join me for a liverwurst sandwich chugging contest?!
Learn about Meat Water: CLICK HERE!
I always wanted to be reincarnated as a tree. Now I can, suckas!2. Bios Urn: The Taking Tree
Becoming a parent, you’re suddenly confronted with your own mortality. How long will I live? Will my child be taken care of after I’m gone? Who will come to my funeral? Will some hipster kid relieve himself on me one drunken night when he can’t find a bathroom?
Um, well, maybe not that last one.
But now you have the option to think about that last one because you can BECOME A FRIGGING TREE with the Bios Urn, a biodegradable coconut-based receptable for your ashes after you die.
Essentially, once you kick the bucket, you have your ashes packaged in an eco-friendly urn. Next a seed fuses with your fertilizer remains and it’s planted. The next thing you know, the circle of life becomes a figure eight and you’re living the good life as a leafy monument. You can also choose which kind of plant your remains will grow to be! Bonus!
Forget headstones and mausoleums, become a tree: CLICK HERE!
Found something AMAZING & want to share it with us? GO HERE!
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13 Comments
13 Responses to “Fatherhood Fridays #5”
Re: Ashy tree- That SEEMS like a lovely idea, but what if your family has a black thumb and kills everything they plant? Then you may end up dying TWICE… and that kind of sucks.
But then you can become firewood and be useful again. But I agree, the product reads just as sad as Shel Silverstein’s “The Giving Tree”, but it’s “THE TAKING TREE”.
One more reason to do it: Become one of the tree people from Lord of the Rings. I’m in.
Holy crumb! Who would have thought that something “Salmon, lettuce, asparagus flavored” could ever be something other than salmon, lettuce and asparagus! The people at Meat Water are crazy and gross and I think I’m falling in love with them.
Sometimes, I call myself a “foodie”. Then I see stuff like this and realize I’m a white belt in foodie-ism.
I think I’d want to grow up to be some kind of lettuce. I think it’d be cool to get all Soilent Green on somebody. In fact, I think there’s a market for it…hmm, Brussels sprouts made from somebody actually from Brussels, French onion soup made with REAL French onions.
Imagine the legal battles when the city wants to run a freeway through and wants to chop down Grampa Bernie…the pro-lifers can now talk about the unborn child and the undead adult!
I feel like I’m talking the Isaac Asimov of commenters right now. You’re a genius.
Meat water is perfect. Do you know how much time is wasted on preparing, eating, and cleaning meals? I would venture to say the average person spends about 3 hours a day on meals. Imagine being able to replace all that with just a simple bottle of all the required nutrients. We’d have 3 hours a day, or an extra 45 days a year, that’s a month and a half of extra time we’d gain back in our lives. What would you do with an extra month and a half? I’m starting the meat water diet revolution.
Listen, I’m all for getting on the revolution bus. I am. But the name meat water, for as tasty as it could be, has a brand name that makes me think horrible, horrible things. “Have a drink of my meat water.” “Have you tasted my meat water?” “My meat water really hits the spot.”
Now Candy Water… I’m all in.
I’m all for convenience. As much as I love eating and as satisfying as a a good poop is, sometimes eating and going to the bathroom just seem like a waste of time.
I actually love the bio urn idea. I’d read about it years ago but couldn’t find any further references to it online. Better than rotting away underground in a beautifully crafted (i.e. expensive) coffin which will never be seen again after the burial. And actually making a difference for the environment, saving space, and creating a lasting memory all in one? Win/win situation all around! One day this bio thing will become the norm…
I’ve said that (after organ harvesting) I want to be cremated, and then have the ashes used as rose fertalizer. After I’m dead. From non-cremation or organ donation causes.
I always think it is important to mention that detail, in case some crazy person wants to be “helpful.”
Holy Macaroni, meat water is going to initiate a revolutionary cult! Lovely.
Frightening / Amazing isn’t it? Framazing!