How to Be a Dad

How to Be a Dad

Boogers. That’s right. Boogers.

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Booger Picking

Booger Snot Nutrition Facts dietary information

Sugar free? Fat free? Packed with protein? Move over, bananas. Nature’s got a new perfect food!

It seems like every kid is just wired from birth to pick their boogers and eat them. C’mon. At least once! But probably about a hundred times more than once.

The fact that we adults have “all done it,” doesn’t really prepare us for actually watching our kid cramming a finger up his/her nose, itching their brain as they try to get at a booger. And sadly, all the shouting and waving parents do never seems to stop the little miners from depositing it immediately in their mouths. But strangely, most parents trying to remove a kid’s booger soon find themselves reenacting an episode of COPS entitled Most Violently Resisted Arrests.

Anyways. Lizzie and I recently saw a newborn hanging like a koala off a dad’s shoulder. Just as Lizzie started awwwwing, the munchkin buried a tiny finger to the hilt in his teeny nose hole. Her “aww” kinda fizzled out as we stared. True to form, he unplugged and popped it right into his mouth. We were both too impressed to be grossed out. We both knew that this baby was so young that we were probably in the presence of the Mozart of nose picking.

Chow Time Phase

We tell ourselves that it’s just a phase, our kid’s booger eating. By the way, this concept of phases is basically the last shred of hope we parents cling to about anything we hope our kid will stop doing but haven’t a blasted clue about how to stop ourselves.

Unfortunately, when a kid graduates past the chow time phase, this basic urge to nose pick moves on to other phases. They’re not always much better.

Dig & Flick Phase

Something on my car window? You learn quick that: outside = unlucky bug, inside = booger. Once you get them to stop supplementing their diet with the things, they’re doing all kinds of awful things with them. Boogers quickly go from food to ammunition.

The Collector Phase

This may be the least common, but is by far the most feared. Every once in a while you’ll come across a booger collection. Lizzie’s cousin was a collector. He had what he called his “booger wall.” Let’s move on. Quickly. Now! RUN!!!

nose picking for adults

Adult Phase

As wired as people seem to be about shamelessly picking their boogers when they’re kids, they seem just as wired to be embarrassed about doing it when they are adults.

booger removal by notril rubbing

“Oh my poor nostrils. Oooh my poor aching nostrils.”

booger removal with a tissue

“Why hello there! This doesn’t bother you, does it?”

We still do it, of course, the picking at least (hopefully not the eating), but we dress it up or camouflage it. Instead of sending a stiffened pointer finger up our blowhole like a rocket to the moon, we throw in a thumb and do a lot of “rubbing.” Then it can almost look like an itch or nostril massage to any accidental observers, right?

We wrap our finger in a wispy tissue or handkerchief and then we can tunnel away at our noses completely carefree. Does that really make a difference though? I demonstrated this point to my wife. I grabbed a tissue, wrapped my finger and went all Journey To The Center Of The Earth. Then I took it off and did it again for comparison. This all took place in a restaurant so, while she got my point, she wasn’t thrilled.

We go through many phases as babies/kids/teens/adults/elders, but remember, for as long as you’re alive, there’s always another phase after the one you’re in.

Psst! Hey… Did any one buy that psuedo philosophic finish to a post about booger eating?

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40 Responses to “Boogers. That’s right. Boogers.”

  1. Alli says:

    I made up a story for my kids about a girl who collects her boogers for years and eventually uses her giant booger ball to save the world. Yep, kids sure love those boogers.

  2. Craig Grella says:

    Funny post. I did notice there seems to be an age when digging for gold and eating it becomes taboo. It’s different for everyone, but it always happens, so to find out more I spoke with a neuroscientist in Washington State. Apparently the age when you stop eating boogers is directly related to the length of your thumb (in millimeters) multiplied by the width of your nostril (also in millimeters). Divide that number by 12 and that is the age you stop eating boogers. it was spot on for me…34.

    • andy says:

      I’m pretty sure I shot one out laughing at your comment. Ha ha ha ha ha! I’ll have to take some measurements and see if the math works out. Not because I want to know, really, but because I want to see the look on my boys’ faces as I’m measuring their nostrils, explaining that I’m trying to scientifically determine when they’ll stop eating their boogers. Ha ha!

  3. hilarious. also, really grossed out. when i was in 1st grade there was this one kid who ALWAYS had the grossest nose – one nostril (sometimes both) was always completely crusted shut from snot (i literally just gagged reliving this) and it truly traumatized me forever. luckily our 2.5 year old so far has not been a picker, i dread the day. i’m just so traumatized, you know?


  4. Craig Grella says:

    That might be another good idea for “worst baby product” – the booger caliper measuring device.

  5. MommaNix says:

    Have you ever heard the Tim Hawkins bit on Boogers? LOL. Thanks for the laugh.

    • andy says:

      I haven’t. Googling now… (processing)

      █ 10%
      █████ 50%
      ██████████ 100%

      Couldn’t find it. Post a link!

  6. Tad says:

    Unfortunately, our son had an issue for a bit where he’d have a real runny nose and needed those little plunger thingies to suck the snot out. So, we’ve now found that when we wake up in the morning, our 21-month old now approaches us brandishing the plunger, saying, “MOMMY!! HAS THE BIIIIIG BHODER!!” [booger], and then proceeds to try to jam the plunger up her nose. It’s an adventure.

  7. Desiree says:

    Andy, you posted two photos of yourself picking your nose in public. This places you out of the runnign for the Nobel prize, but definitely in the running for other funnier prizes.

  8. Desiree says:

    “Servings in a nose” hahahahahahaha

  9. jetts31 says:

    I’m still in the Dig & Flick Phase. I stopped the Chow Time Phase when I realized how many mg’s of sodium one of those little bastards is loaded with.

    • andy says:

      Being health concious is the cornerstone to being consciously heathy! And other fake words of wisdom that you need a rubik’s cube to figure out. 😉

  10. omg this is truly HILARIOUS!

  11. Lizzie says:

    What about the story I told you about my friend when we were young…ahh pickin ya boogers just when a car full of guys drives by checkin ya out…oops.

    Just no carpet flickers allowed in our house. I have ended up with a booger on my foot YUK!

    • andy says:

      Ha ha! Yeah, that must have been a life moment for [name removed to protect the guilty]. Regarding the in-home booger flickage… um, yeah, actually I have no response to that. Wait! No! I got one! I got a response: Sooooorry. On behalf of the boys of course though. I promise I haven’t been carpet-bombing the house with boogers.

  12. Martin Flink says:

    Did anyone consider how the car seems to be a very dangerous place where boogers are concerned?
    I mean how many people of well past the toddler age have you seen sitting in traffic happily excavating their proboscis with total abandon?

    Some do of course try to vaguely hide their activities from sideways glances but are meanwhile failing to realise the threat from rear view mirrors…

    It’s quite interesting to follow an offender for a while to see the grown up version of the snotfeeder in action…

    What started as a nasal excavation often turns into a pretended nail examination followed by…

    Yeah you guessed it didn’t you? The booger feast disguised as a cursory nail biting/cleaning action ;O)

    Perhaps some government departments should investigate the quite possible links between automotive booger activity and road traffic accidents?

    This might reveal some interesting accident statistics for both the pokers/diners and the unfortunate “accidental” onlookers I’d bet =D

    • andy says:

      LOL! All great points, beautifully expressed. Maybe the boogers contribute to accidents during moisture or rain conditions, but actually reinforce them when it’s hot and dry. 😉

      • Martin Flink says:

        I’m picturing a courtroom…

        Eyewitness: “Yes your Honour, I saw him trying to answer his mobile (cell) phone with the other hand just before he ran over the little old lady in her wheelchair… He would have been able to grab the steering wheel in time to avoid hitting the school bus as well, if he hadn’t stopped to inspect the booger on his index finger on the other hand first…”

        Should automotive booger activity whilst driving be made illegal?

        If so how would you police it?

        Automated “BoogerCams” placed along our streets?

        How would law enforcement handle any boogers that were seized as evidence?

        There are a lot of very intricate and sensitive decisions to be considered before we can make road travel safe again.

        Join the “Wipe out Automotive Boogers” campaign today!

  13. […] Can’t get enough of boogers? You came to the right place. […]

  14. jenny says:

    OMG. Barf.

  15. Kristi says:

    Uh…So the Booger Wall…I totally had one.

    In other news!! Stephanie Patapoff used to shove her finger up her nose and wipe the contents on the “moustache” area of her upper lip. She’d spend a good 15 minutes coating them on there so she could spend the next 30 licking them off. And this was in the 5th grade!!!

  16. Nicki says:

    Morbid curiosity through my element of procrastination (when I should be writing an assignment for uni)… do you guys get paid for this incredible research and work you do? If not, I consider it to be a crime…

    P.S. Oh god. To join the conversation of boogers….I just sneezed all over my laptop screen…

    • andy says:

      Define “getting paid.” Does getting paid in the satisfaction of a job well done count? Or paying ourselves with nourishment of our creative spirits? No. Oh. Then no. We don’t get paid. But we’re working on it. 😉

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