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Why Won’t My Wife Have Sex with Me?

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187 Days Since Sex Why Won't My Wife Have Sex With Me

In the beginning, there was sex. And it was good. And there was more sex. And it too was good…


A picture of husband and wife together at the San Diego Zoo Stop picturing us having sex. That’s not very nice.

My wife and I began our relationship as any two relatively awesome people do… We were friends for a while, long distance. Then we met and got into a relationship, and had some awesome sex. Pretty much every day. We got married and this sex continued.

As an aside, know this: 1. My wife loves me very much, and I her. 2. I’ll try to be the least pornographic I can in writing this post. But that will be hard. Wait. There’s probably a pun in there…

HER EGGO WAS PREGGO
Then my wife got pregnant as the result of this awesome, great sex. I definitely had my “I don’t want to bruise the baby” thinking cap and underwear on, which probably contributed to our general feeling about sex falling off the to-do list of our lives. We were all about the baby and our sex lives were made even more unavailable by my booking tons of work as an actor that year. I worked my ass off.

We tried to be intimate and physical but it wasn’t the same. Simultaneously, I was feeling like the most masculine guy I’ve ever been. I impregnated a woman. I am man. Boom.

Avara in the lightIs it cheesy if I sing Total Eclipse of the Heart? Yep. ♬Turnaround…♬

And she was even more beautiful to me, so it was difficult keeping my hands to myself. Pregnant women don’t glow. They radiate, like stellar objects. There was definitely a trimester where things picked up, but things always felt really tentative and a bit disconnected. To be honest, I think we were both so excited about our future son, that our future and present sex took the hit, falling victim to our best laid plans. I really have to stop with the entendres…

AFTER THE FLOOD
After Finn’s birth, I gave my wife and her chocha the time they needed to recover from their natural delivery before diving back into things. You know, two days. Joking….

I knew it was probably smarter to let her come to me and ensure she felt better about her recovery. But that’s where it got funny. She didn’t. I could tell that the pregnancy/birth experience was one of those “this changes everything” deals. So we carried on. She tried her best to breastfeed and stay awake, and I just kept eating.

I gained a total of 30-40 pounds from the beginning of her pregnancy to Finn’s first three months of life. So I wasn’t looking my sportiest, manliest best, whatever. And this won’t sound good, writing it now, but I was transforming into a woman: soft and curvy.

WORK IT OUT
So, as I stated in “Pregnancy Weight Is Ugly”, I worked my ass off again, but literally. I quit sugar, I dieted, I worked out again. I tried to shove my physical life back into this new fathering life and it was hell. I would workout at home in front of Finn in his little swing contraption. I took him on hikes. I went to the gym sparingly and without any sleep. The worst part was: when you don’t sleep, your body doesn’t change as fast. So it took double the work.

But I did it.

A picture of Charlie when he was prepping for his Superman auditionI texted this image to my wife while prepping to audition for Superman. It worked like kryptonite.

I worked for hours and days on my body to get fit, mostly for myself and my career, but I’d be lying if I said those were the only reasons. I really wanted to do it so my wife would find me attractive enough to want to have constant, ridiculous, while-Finn-was-asleep-in-the-other-room monkeysex with me.

But I didn’t get that.

I mean we had sex, and it happened more often, I guess. But the change was even more evident. Maybe my awesome foreplay needed help… Walking around bottomless in our room used to do it, but it barely raised an eyebrow now. My patented phrase “JumpOnIt” didn’t seem to fire things up anymore, either. Doing naked jumping jacks? No dice. Maybe it was the fact that sex meant something else now, it meant a means to a painful end.

So now I don’t know what to do. I love my wife. I just want her to rock my socks off a little more, ya know? Can someone email her about this post and tell her I’m ready for her. Anytime. Any place. Thanks.

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616 Comments

616 Responses to “Why Won’t My Wife Have Sex with Me?”

  1. taylor says:

    oh man, you are so dead when she reads this post.

  2. taylor says:

    PS- I feel your pain! 9 months was a really long time!

    • charlie says:

      Yes, it is. Especially when your spouse is your favorite person and you’d only want to share that kind of intimacy with them. Knowwhatimean Vern?

    • andy says:

      TAYLOR, YOU HAD SEX FOR 9 MONTHS!?!?! (Sorry. I just had to make that joke, I can’t control myself.) ;)

    • Liina says:

      deem.. i sex with my man 2 weeks before baby birth. guy’s dont worry, it is tottaly fine and do not hurt for baby. actually when i was pregnat, than sometimes i just feel like I-NEED-SEX-RIGHT-NOW

  3. dadand:pete says:

    Looks like I found me a new background for my desktop. WOOT!

  4. anon says:

    i read your potr with much chuckling because i am in the same situation, only i am the woman. What i think many men forget overall is that women see sex as something totally different to men, and i find it hard to want to get jiggy with my man when he doesnt give me a lot of non-sexual phyical attention. He expects me to just go from washing bottles and changing nappies to feeling sexy in a matter of mins and thats really difficult. If he says “do you want to have sex?” the answer will probably be no. But if he was to whip me off my feet, kiss me passionately and sexily on the sofa, he’d probably get a hell of a lot more sex. I don’t feel like i can tell him this, so I’m telling you. Passionately kiss your woman for several mins before even thinking of asking for sex and i can guarantee your success rate will be much higher!! lol

    • charlie says:

      How fascinating! Non-sexual, physical attention is the backbone of relationships for me. Playful or kind attention goes a long way. Physical affection, not sexual, is one of my favorite things.

      But I will sweep her off her feet and get back to you. It’ll either be very romantic or…

      But how rad that you posted an anonymous COMMENT!

      • anon says:

        lol not sure if you’re being sarcastic or not, didnt put my name as my other half wud be embarrased if he ever saw it lol! i just thought i could say that women cant just go from not feeling sexy to having sex in a matter of mins, we need some build up lol! I know its not like that or guys, but we need the ground work!!! lol!!!!

        • maybeimworthless says:

          I guarantee your wrong I have tried it all! Romance,candy,flowers,jewelry,a new fucking car and I have still only gotten lucky 6 times since our daughter was born a year ago and those six times I had to beg her to even look at me no bullshit now she wont even look at me while we have sex how do I deal with that? The woman who is your everything wont even look at you!

          • Gayle says:

            Wow you got it bad. Okay lets go out on a limb here. Have you cleaned the house? When the house is clean the kids are happy we feel so free!!!!!! There is no bigger turn on than a man who cooks and cleans! I am a stay at home mom,4 kids ages 13 boy,9 girl,5 boy,and 4 month old boy and Home school 3 of them!My hubby works 58 hours a week when he helps put the clothes up watch out!! lol So make sure she has time to clean herself up alone no looking and no kid tell her to put on her fav music and turn it up. That clean house, nice dinner and a movie (something that will make her laugh her ass off) Should really help her feel like she has everything under control. When we have everything done,we smell good and look good! Let the wild woman FREE!!!! Good luck!

          • katie says:

            well for me, i dont want gifts, it makes me feel like a hooker, i like it when a man cant keep his eyes off me then when he starts to notice that im falling for it he moves constant copliments , then when im all mooshed up abd feeling incredibly attractive he moves to handy work ;-) ..stuff like that makes a woman feel sexy and puts us up for the task of behaving sexy …

          • Lozza says:

            @maybeimworthless
            First and foremost never think that of yourself. Mostly cos I doubt your lady would be with you and secondly, its a very unattractive trait. I know cos my husband comes out with it every now and then and it peeves me off. To be pregnant, to birth a child whether naturally or by c-section, to breastfeed and to stay at home long or short term with the child etc… Is not a pleasant experience for every woman. It may appear to be a short list but the mental and physical affects of erratic hormones, stretch marks and being alone with a dependant schizophrenic all day long can feel like years. (I always thought I’d love being pregnant. I had intentions on exercising. I was curious about how my growing tum would look like. This was not to be. I felt like crap the whole way through. The most exercise I could manage was a 2months worth of walking. I felt fat not beautiful and I carried very small. I felt I looked like a train wreck happened on my face. I thankfully had a beautiful birthing experience. But then I had to deal with a new body. I didn’t know I’d be wearing maternity clothes still weeks after the birth. I could go on but I’m sure you get the picture). To cut a long possible explanation… Your wife may be suffering from Post-natal depression. My suggestion to you is spend time researching it online to gain understanding and find professional help. With the professional help you can approach your wife and deal with the situation ‘together’, instead of pushing her and making her feel even more alone than she may do already. I wish you all the best and hope you may be reunited with the woman you first fell in love with.

          • annonamous male says:

            i have a problem sex for me and my wife is usually about 3 months apart now. I love her dearly but ive tried to be spontaneous and get nothing i try to work her up to it and get nothing, i ask for it when nothing works and get nothing. ive tried foreplay and was told that she wants it wham bam ty maam. ive tried to cuddle and kiss and be non sexual. and get nothing. i split the cooking and i do dishes alot. i always give hte kids showers and get their clothes of the morning. ive offered full body massages and nothing. ive tried changing everything of my well being and nothing. but yet she says i ask for sex way too much and comes up with all kinds of excuses. if your wondering i ask maybe after a month or two of having it with her. i read maybe she needs alone time well how about 5 to 7 hours a day alone time while i watch and take care of hte kids? i just dont know what to do anymore ive tried talking to her and she told me that we dont need sex to be close and in a marriage. i just would like to know what is going on. before the kids and before we moved up here we had sex regularly and often maybe once or twice a week if that and before the move every day. if anyone has any suggestions i havnt tried please let me know cause i need help.

          • Nicolas says:

            You can’t buy someone’s affection, with gifts or actions. Anything you give, no matter how expensive or difficult for you, will only be interpreted as an attempt to manipulate her into being your sex object if you don’t do the critical bit.

            What’s the critical bit?

            Try to communicate your feelings in a way that she appreciates and understands, not in a way that YOU would appreciate. Stop a habit you know annoys her. Speak her emotional language.

            Will you “get” sex if you do that? Who cares? Like happiness, sex isn’t something you find when you look for it, it’s just a sign or hallmark of a healthy, fulfilling life and relationship. You don’t need sex to have a good relationship. It’s the other way around. Don’t confuse cause and effect :-)

      • anon says:

        oh, and i think its awesome that you talk about your wife with such admiration and love. hope she knows just how lucky she is. Even if you do post details of your sex life on the net lol!

        • charlie says:

          Lol. I think we felt that it was a greater good so to speak, to talk on the subject and let people interact about. We have a very open communication in our relationship and joke about sex and life all the time. I think kiss a good amount. But I’d love to kiss her more. :)

      • duglas says:

        I am in a similar type of situation. my woman of 5 years no longer likes to have sex. I havent had sex in over 1 month and when I complain I feel wrong but Normaly I would just cheat but Im trying to do the right thing. She just doesnt care anymore so what am I to do? Cheat and pretend Im happy to keep the fam together or not cheat and be miserable daily and insecure.trying to be pro fam but not happy at all

        • melissa says:

          awh dont cheat for ur needs.. u know how traumatizing it is to have kids its like ur penis is now a weapon well thats how i see it i wont have sex cuz hell no i now know what that thing can do after 9 months lol

    • Valerie says:

      Agreed, but this is depending on whether the baby is asleep and will stay asleep long enough; that’s always on our minds as well. Might want to hire a sitter or have a relative watch the little one while you go to a hotel for a much needed break. Or even just to take baby out for an hour or so, giving you some alone time.
      Try leaving little love note stickies on the mirrors, doors, or inside her handbag. Make her breakfast in bed on the weekend. Just simple things…a unexpected kiss on the cheek or a hug. These things go a LONG way towards fanning the flames for women.
      It’s not easy but you both need to carve out time for the both of you. It can’t be ALL about the baby all the time. Babies will benefit a lot more from happy, contented parents more than those who dote on them constantly.

    • nicholas says:

      I have plenty of passion. Our boy is 2, and I can hardly touch my wife most of the time. I can hardly breathe on her shoulder. Lately the thing that has been working for me is to (god forbid) listen to her talk, until she has nothing else to say. Sometimes this takes over an hour. I have learned to laugh with her and empathize a little more. Then she feels connected to me and feels a teency weency bit warmer. Then if I’ve fulfilled another litany of expectations there’s a chance for some sweet lovemaking.

    • anon says:

      @Anon: Thank you so much so much for posting this, from a woman’s perspective!

      Little things, specifically things that we don’t ask for, go a long way. Just little favors around the house, a thoughtful note or flowers, volunteering for a feeding (don’t just say “do you want me to take this one?” we’re going to say no. we mean yes. every time.) The funny thing is, we want you, our husband, Daddy, around. We LOVE having you around and spending time as a family, and as a couple. But it is so difficult, as Anonymous points out, to go from cleaning bottles to having sex in a matter of minutes. Sometimes it just seems like yet another thing we have to do, and it’s EXHAUSTING just thinking about it, let alone doing it!
      But, if you lay the groundwork, and put in just a little unexpected extra effort, I promise it will go a long way!

      BTW can you tell that NONE of the aforementioned advice as been taken in my house? :)

      • maybeimworthless says:

        But you know when you just worked a shift in 115 degree weather and did what you have to do to provide a life for your family…somehow…. BECAUSE IT’S YOUR TURN! Just doesn’t sound right nor does it cut it

    • Kelly says:

      I am the mother of a beautiful one year old was-preemie 2 months so not that im keeping track but its been hmmmm one year and about 8 months since my hubby has touched me..im starting to think theres a problem..lol

      • Aaron says:

        have you ever considered being the one to touch him?
        It’s been years since my wife has shown interest in me. It is difficult to feel desire for someone who shows no desire back.

    • Lozza says:

      Amen to all the above Sister. I’m 7 weeks out of having had a natural birth and honestly the only thing keeping me from having the real deal sex is that I’m nervous.(The part I’ve not told him) I’m nervous of the discomfort and possible pain I’m going to experience for that first time and even with protection that we will get pregnant again too soon. Presently we have been providing each other more the handjob variety but only due to my initiating it ‘cos I’m freakin horny. I feel far from sexy with my swollen, leaky boobs and a body that I’m sure I didn’t start out with.I know my man wants to get down and dirty, yet he makes no effort to woo me. And that does not include the odd statement that he hasn’t had sex in a while. Um yeah, no shit hey! This is, if anything the most important time for making your lady feel like a goddess…(the part I have told him outright cos hints don’t work with guys) Make the dinner, change, bath and bed the baby, give your lady a massage and whisper sweet nothings to make her feel sexy and then ravage her! BUT don’t ask her if she wants to have sex cos that is just a mood killer. Has it been that long that the lack of real intercourse has made him deaf to my bluntness??

      • Jeff says:

        Seems like such a one way street. The man is supposed to do all of the wooing. Does the woman have no responsibility to put in any work for a good sex life?

  5. John says:

    Try having a second kid.

    Then, start preparing to imagine a long, painful, rest of your life without knowing a vagina. Ever.

    Good luck.

    • Bigdaddy says:

      Oh man that is so true, even after having a second child there was a little peak in sexual activity, but is dead and gone now! Lol

    • charlie says:

      Thanks for the bleak, but honest “good luck”! Lol!

      • Valerie says:

        @ Charlie, you’ve got an edge up on the dudes who just let themselves go. You cared enough about yourself (Ok, and your job) to lose the sympathy weight. That’s got to count for something. But, yeah, probably not a good idea to do the naked jumping jacks in front of your wife, lol. Not sexy. :P

    • Dan says:

      I guess I must be lucky. We have 2 kids and our sex life is great. Aside from healing from having the kids, it hasn’t slowed down because of the kids.

      • charlie says:

        It’s not nice to GLOAT, DAN!! But thanks for pointing out that not everyone has this problem. People like to generalize and say EVERYONE deals with the change. Not true. You are Exhibit A.

        But again, DAMN YOU.

        • Dan says:

          I wish I had a solution for you, but here’s how we’ve kept it alive. We’ve always been pretty playful with each other (suggestive talk, texts, touching, etc) and that hasn’t changed. I think having a sense of humor and playfulness about it can really lighten the mood. You also have to be open to the “quick while the kids are watching Handy Manny” afternoon delight, which can be fun too.

          No begging, no pity sex, no using sex as a bartering tool. All these do is breed resentment.

          • charlie says:

            Agreed. By the way, “Handy Manny” is my new favorite term for sex. Thanks.

          • Valerie says:

            @ Dan on June 9, 2011 at 2:26 pm (lol)
            Dan, you hit the nail on the head with that post! Wonderful…you’re wife is lucky to have you, and no doubt vice versa. :)

          • Dan I should give you my husbands cell number, he needs a bromance with someone who is thinking clearly! I would die a thousand wonderful deaths if what you are talking about was us!

          • noelle says:

            my husband just walked out on us after 14 years of marriage, precisely due to the resentment. i never realized that sex is EVERYTHING. i thought the kids and me mattered as much.

          • Smooth T says:

            Really, Noelle? There are women that clueless out there? I’m betting you knew, you just didn’t think he would actually pull the trigger.

        • Gayle says:

          We have four kids and i chase my hubby down to get it! lol Our little one is 4 months old. I LOVE being with my hubby! I love it when he says no!!! lol We are together at least 3 times a week!! I can’t get enough of him! I LOVE my man!!!

      • andy says:

        Is it bad form if I just start swearing at you?

    • Vinh says:

      I thought it was just me. The more children the higher the climb.

    • "The Mom with 2 Kids" says:

      OMG, I just laughed soooo hard John!! Ain’t that the truth! haha!

      I love this “Why won’t my wife have sex w/me” post because my husband could have written this! But you’re right–somehow things just DO change. But after having 2 kids (now toddler/kindergartner age), I see now how you might be able to seduce the wife. 1. babysitter (wait–if she’s still nursing don’t even try seducing her. probably none of this will work. lol). 2. Give her time to do her hair/get all done up :) 3. dinner out (somewhere NIICE) 4. romantic movie at home = bowmchickabowbowm…

      So if she is still nursing, just know you probably won’t end up gettin’ lucky by the end of the date, but she will definitely appreciate a dinner out with her loving husband! ;)

  6. daddius says:

    I feel your pain as I am going though same here too. After the birth of a child the woman does Not want sex. Am still looking forward to sex with my wife.

    • charlie says:

      I like your last line: “Am still looking forward to sex with my wife”. Epic.

    • Valerie says:

      @ daddius on June 6, 2011 at 7:58 am
      Well, that’s quite a generalization. Perhaps if you make the effort to change your attitude, things just might start to happen.

    • awww says:

      That’s just not true. A year after our second, my wife was having lots of sex.
      Just not with me.
      Stop laughing, it’s not a joke.

  7. Rampage says:

    Oh, btw, after our first child, we discovered that the hormones responsible for making breast milk completely kill female libido.

    There are pills that suppress that hormone after all the breastfeeding has been done and that usually produces very visibile results.

    • charlie says:

      Yeah, the hormone world is really intriguing. Lots of causes and effects in there. How about the hormone that makes me feel like a loser if I work too much and don’t sleep enough? What’s that one called?

    • toywithme says:

      I believe that’s the ‘natural birth control’ hormone :)

      • andy says:

        It makes a sort of sense. In the animal kingdom, not that I think we’re animals (different topic altogether), but a wolf that has a bunch of pups still on the teat isn’t likely to go into heat right away. It just isn’t practical. Another pregnancy would jeopardize the survival of the first AND second batch if they were too close together.

        Again, I’m not saying humans are animals, and that we can’t successfully crank them out back-to-back, but as far as how bodies are wired, there is some sense to this.

        • toywithme says:

          My body agrees with you :)

        • Krystal says:

          It’s true that a woman’s body isn’t designed to crank out the babies! A woman’s body takes at least a year to fully recover after a pregnancy. Babies conceived before the first baby is 18 months are at higher risk for developmental problems. Look it up if you don’t believe me. :)

          • andy says:

            Totally. You know what’s crazy thought? THIS: The record for the most kids from one woman is 69!!! She was a Russian peasant who lived from 1707-1782. Crrrrrrrraaaaaaazy!

    • Rinda says:

      I found that after I had my first child, I wanted sex all the time. The fact that I breast fed my son didn’t change a thing, but maybe my husband being deployed during my pregnancy had a bit of an impact on why I wanted it a lot more.

    • Progesterone can suppress libido but oxytocin the main one is the LOVE hormone! I have never heard that one, maybe in certain people, everyone is different but through nursing school and all pre-med studies that is the first time Ive heard that! I think being tired and stripped of calories may have a big part to play… but once again I am a mutant female and have a hard time understanding “not wanting sex” its like sacrilege!

      • Liz says:

        Haha, I hear you! I’m 15 weeks pregnant with #2, and when I’m not busy puking or crying randomly, I’m trying to jump my hubby’s bones. Dear God, I love pregnancy hormones. :)

        • Christina says:

          /JEALOUS

          Seriously, hormones are my worst enemy. I call myself a breeder…the only time I really want to jump by hubby’s bones is when my body wants to get pregnant. And unfortunately…that’s when you SHOULDN’T have sex if you are avoiding reproduction >.<

          I avoid BC like the plague and use lots and lots of lubrication. Dear God in Heaven, Thank you for KY and all their wonderful gifts to (wo)mankind.

          Pray for poor man. He has 5 more weeks til we're allowed to do "it" again. Unfortunately that means nothing when it comes to how I feel about it =(

    • yuppie says:

      Its 230 in the am. I am so pissed at my wife for once again denying my advances, that I can’t even lie in bed next to her. I moved in twice this week and got the heisman. Last night she offered to give me 5 minutes of her time before she went to sleep. I passed out of heartfelt “go fuck yourself” resentment. Twice per week would fit the bill, but it just isnt important to her. More over, I suspect that sex out of obligation some how makes her feel cheap or used or something along that order.

      I decided to go for a drive and stumbled on this post on my tablet.

      Here is the thing i cant get over. The pervailing wisdom of these posts seems to put the honus on these men to deliver a better version of themselves. But the fact is, my wife has the power to end this pain by simply succombing to my advances. This was part of our vows! Do more around the house? Girl time? Seriously!

      I own a business and while I acknowledge freely that the effort she puts in to our son and to our household is beyond me, i could subcontract that work for half the cost. She is an excellent Mom and my son is a happy, and kind little boy. He needs his Mom, but my gosh, where is the gratitude? Stay at home Mom, that is what she asked for. That’s what I gave her. In fact, I have never denied a request from her of any kind. All she has ever needed to do is to open her mouth, ask and receive.

      Sex with your husband is a responsibility. Ladies, you swore before God to succomb to your husbands, and furthermore, when your bodies were joined by God, there was a mutual transfer of ownership. It is his body too. Who are you to deny it from him.

      I don’t read minds. If you want something ask. If I ask for something that costs you nothing but will spare me substantial pain, is it not immorral to say no?

      • melissa says:

        I totally agree with you and wish you the best. I have a wonderful husband and would never deny him. Likewise he wouldn’t deny me. However things have not always been that way for us… for years I (the wife )had the higher drive and was constantly refused. Twelve year anniversary coming up and things are great between us. It took a lot of patience as well as frustration to get through it. Believe me when I say that I feel your pain… you are in a dilemma where you must choose between faithfulness (which basically means celibacy and misery in this scenario) and unfaithfulness. I hope this gives you some hope. Btw I know this is a response to a 2 week old post. Just had to respond because it hit so close to home. Good luck.

      • Sheesh says:

        Way to spell it out…

        Women – get with the program. Sex is a requirement of marriage.
        I’m not being insensitive when we as men enjoy all other aspects of our relationship that involves the continuing courtship of our lovely wives after giving birth, but the facts speak loudly when it comes to turning off your libido. Infidelity is most likely to occur in the months that follow your recovery of birth. If sex becomes a chore for you, make it not a chore. If your husband seems unexciting to you, make him exciting to you. Figure it out, and make sexual envoys regularly to him and you will see gifts, chores and the kinds of milestones of courtesy you would
        Normally never expect. You’re not cheapened by this, but rather making an intelligent choice in sending a message to your mate that he is loved, he is vibrant, and he matters.

        • Quin says:

          sex is not a responsibly. period. I needed time to heal. I do deny my husband but because he makes me feel like a cheap whore in bed. He NEVER does anything I want and I fake every time. I have tried on multiple occasions to educate him but he say he doesn’t care. So I doubt if I’ll stay… But I digress.. Maybe if you viewed sex as a time for you to bond and please your wife and yourself and not as a chore for her to fulfill or her responsibly maybe she will put out more. It’s her body…period. and she doesn’t have to stay married to you.

          • No Name says:

            What a ridiculous comment!!!! Grow up!!!! You decided to get married to. What a blackmail response!!! She doesn’t have to stay. Good, then go on your own way and don’t take anything from him. What a society we live in. One person in a relationship gets to decide who stays and who goes. What power!!! What if the guy decides to leave!!! Do you hold all of his financials for ransom!!!! What a career path. Have a kid, hold the relationship for ransom and get paid!!!! Better yet, what if he decides to take a mistress? I bet you would care then.

      • Seriously? says:

        Dude, I just read your post and my vagina atrophied. Maybe your wife doesn’t want to have sex with you because you have a massive entitlement complex. Here’s the thing – you don’t own her!!! You certainly don’t own her body. You are not entitled to sex whenever and however you want it. No one is.

        Here’s another thought – staying at home full-time with a child may be what she wanted, but it sure as hell isn’t easy. So maybe realise that she works, just like you do.

        Yet more thoughts – many women experience a lot of discomfort during sex (post partum). And maybe your wife is one of them. And maybe she sees having sex with you as an obligation because you explicitly fucking state that she is obliged to have sex with you.

        Maybe you should suggest to her that your needs aren’t being met and what can the *both* of you do to deal with that. Who knows, maybe she’s happy for you to sleep with other people. Maybe she thinks you’re an epic fucking jackass and doesn’t want to sleep with you because of that.

        • Yes, Seriously says:

          That’s asinine. Like women don’t have entitlement mentalities of their own causing their men to think they’re “epic fucking bitches”.

          My wife gets asked on a regular basis what I can do for her, with no expectations of sex. Yet I’m still denied. She asks for more money, she gets it. She clearly thinks she’s entitled to the money I earn, and I happen to agree with her and oblige. She asks for it, she gets it, and gets lots of things that she doesn’t ask for. She gets time off from mommying every day after work and on weekends. Too tired to do the grocery shopping? Done. Laundry? Done. Dishes? Done. On a regular basis, too, and on top of me working 70+ hours a week, keeping the yard, keeping the pool, maintaining the mechanical parts of the house, etc. 5 hours of sleep is a good night’s rest for me.

          And past a year or two, odd medical issues notwithstanding, the “I had your baby, now you owe me for the rest of your miserable life” complex gets really old when it is the standard comeback, especially when the husband juggled the family finances and works longer hours to make sure she could quit her job and not have to give up absolutely ANYTHING in her lifstyle. So to do something you want to do (stay home with Junior) and then to hold that against the man you married is just as petty and ridiculous.

      • Tracy says:

        Ok, I would never have sex with you. Ever. You didn’t buy your wife, you married here. Women are not chattle anymore, you knuckledragging, window-licking neaderthal.

        I totally understand why she doesn’t have sex with you. You’re an ass.

        • Annoyed says:

          Doesn’t surprise me that she wants nothing to do with you. You have a few much bigger problems than just not having sex. Maybe if you spent some time with her? 70+ hours a week? When would you have time do anything considered romantic or not completely about you?
          My husband took extra hours so I could stay home with our daughter but not only did he never act like he was entitled to anything but he was loving and romantic. Just seeing him spend time with our daughter made me want to have sex with him. He even got more oral than he has gotten since we were first dating. Because he spent time with us! And because he didn’t act like it was my job to have sex with him.
          Go to a marriage counselor because your ideas about sex are seriously antiquated and need to be thought through a little better.

        • JG says:

          Wow! I couldn’t see any man wanting to be with a total cunt like you! What a fucking stupid bitch!

          • Gigi says:

            Funny… No your wife isn’t chattle. Put her ass out though, make her get a J.O.B…. and pay a sitter to watch Junior…and she *might* rethink how good she had it before as a stay-at-home mommy.

            All these excuses and reasons for not wanting to have sex or feeling sexy. I just don’t get it. Who DOESN’T enjoy sex??! Don’t you find your husbands sexy anymore? I mean really, I LOVE sex! And no one makes you “feel” like a whore but *YOU*. That’s your own insecure mind.

            I had the reverse situation. My husband stopped having sex with me. In two years time we had sex less than 5 times. When we went an entire year without sex… I left him. It was either cheat or leave. I was sick of the fighting about sex and the constant rejection. The first time I had sex in 16 months… was like a breath of fresh air. If *YOU* can’t get yourself in the mood, if you have forgotten why you enjoyed sex with your spouse to begin with… Remember that pretty coworker of his… Yeah… 50% of marriages end in divorce but some don’t end… he just gets a mistress. Imagine your surprise when you find out she’s been around a year, two years, five years… Talk it out. Talk to a therapist. But own your part in this too.

      • I Hear You says:

        I’ve read this initial post and your subsequent replies and as a woman I think it’s safe to say – you spoil your wife. I take care of the house, the food, the kids, the yard and any other odds and ends that I am capable of doing. I have a house, a car that I can use within reason, I don’t ask for money, time off (probably should), vacation or “me” time – ever.

        My husband and I have migrated into a fairly healthy sex life. Many times I am the one denied because he does work 70 hours a week and is just plain exhausted. When there is a disconnect it’s never because I don’t have what I need materially but because I feel emotionally abandoned. What I need from him is that he understand me without judging me, defends me when I’m wronged, believes me when I speak and shores me up when I’m down. Even when he denies me all these things withholding sex is never an option though; never to manipulate.

        It sounds as though you feel she is trying to manipulate something out of you. As a parent sometimes the time to get jiggy with it is not as easy to come by as before. Not that I agree with how you put it in your ire at the time, but I do agree that when you marry you become one. There is the necessity to put the other’s interest before your own and \care for them as you would your own body\. Sometimes I don’t think men understand that women are not totally driven by the quest for things – time, tenderness, love and understanding are all key for a healthy emotional and physical relationship. Think about what attracted you to her in the first place and she should do the same. Focus on what drew you to her. Tell her about it – not in anger or frustration – but to bring her memories in sync with yours. Cuddle with her without the expectation of sex. Who knows maybe she’ll be the one begging you!

        There were a few months after my children were born when the act was just too excruciating to attempt. Things are definitely better now. YEARS of denial as you claim there have been is just too long.

        Have you spent time with her alone? It was 5 years before hubs and I went on a date together after our girls were born and we swore to never let it go that long again. It was a revelation in our relationship of the intimacy we had been missing that we had before our children. We don’t have date nights twice a month as is recommended, but ever couple months (if we are lucky) we spend one on one time together to remind ourselves of why we got together in the first place. It’s rare though that a week goes by without stealing away at least 20 minutes to be ONE.

  8. Anthony says:

    Wow. Your wife won’t get angry at this? You have a good wife.

    Have you thought of going out one night and both getting drunk and going home and making love? Think about it.

    • charlie says:

      I have a GREAT wife. We’re such good friends and have been together for a long time. That kind of trust and help is built out of forging a life together and the experiences we’ve shared in that time.

      Your second statement has some merit. And I am “thinking about it” or wouldn’t have written the post!!!

      I think carving out more time together is really important. The drunk part I could take or leave. The making love part would be awesome. I love that girl.

      • Valerie says:

        @ charlie on June 06, 2011 at 9:36 am
        Do you tell your wife all of these nice things? I’m torn, you say some really nice things about your wife on here, but it seems like you can talk more easily to complete strangers about things you should be discussing with your wife. I seriously don’t think I would be too keen on having my dirty laundry aired either. You say you’ve discussed this with her. How did she respond?
        Although it helps you to have an outlet for your frustration, it seems like you may be spending more time expressing that frustration here rather then talking seriously about the problems directly with your wife. Maybe some couples counseling? It couldn’t hurt.
        It seems like you’re looking for real advice here, and I’m not trying to insult or condemn you in any way. Just hoping to maybe look at the situation in another way.

  9. Sara says:

    Read Anon’s coment carefully…..she’s right! I’m exactely in the same situation! After motherhood, sex changes…we feel tired, things around the house don’t go away plus our mind is totally on the baby…men tend to give us room….the more space they give us the more we feel neglected…like, we need care as well, we need to feel more loved…we need kisses without the sex expectation, we need strong and passionate hugs, we need to be listened, and we need sex as well!! :)

    • charlie says:

      You and Anon have the market cornered! Great points and I definitely agree there is a balance to be made between allowance for space and recovery, and being there in a loving way.

      I would say, open, playful, loving communication for both parties is really helpful. It’s hard to read minds. I expect my wife to know why I’m mad when I sulk, but that doesn’t help anyone either.

      • Lozza says:

        I agree with Sara and Anon.However I’ve read in past posts that you have written Charlie… Communication is key!! And actually listening and putting it into action is what will lock or unlock the deal. Some people however don’t have any of those tools.

    • piper says:

      We are TIRED. SO VERY, VERY TIRED. We now have this baby that is so helpless and needy and to turn around and have our husband be just as needy (sorry. Not trying to be harsh, but that’s how it honestly feels) it is a turn off. Do things for her. Clean up. Do laundry. Fix dinner, better yet order a fabulous dinner in. We don’t want much, really we don’t. But we do want HELP. And maybe you do help, I don’t know, but then ask her what she wants. Trust me, she isn’t going to tell you unless you ask.
      Feel for my husband, at least your wife was home while pregnant! Lol! I was in the hospital because my pregnancy was extremely high risk, and I mean the ENTIRE pregnancy! Tall about not wanting sex for a LONG time, put a whole new meaning to “this could lead to a hospital bed”… worth it? (It was, we had another) ;)

      • Jae says:

        That was on the money. A little more help around the house means a little less stress for me, and a little more sex for you

        • joeshmow says:

          Ya right that doesn’t work. I do about 80 percent of the chores inside the house and out and no lovin. When the wife was home with baby nothing was done. I’d be lucky if supper as taken out of the freezer. Now that she’s back to work suppers on the table when she gets home. Laundry is done folded and put away and the house is clean. I still get the cold sholder.

          • M says:

            Studies have actually shown that men underestimate the amount they do around the house by half. So congrats, you do at 40% of the household chores!

          • badum says:

            M:
            Wow, that’s just nasty of you. joeshmow has clearly stated what he does, and he does a lot. Why do you feel the need to belittle him and the effort he puts in?
            Think about it.

      • Smooth T says:

        Yes, we know you’re tired. Guess what – so are we! Do you think doing the late feeding, and the early feeding, and wrangling the other kids when our wives need a break, ON TOP of working at a soul-crushing job for 8-10 hours a day( plus a 45 minute commute both ways) is somehow a cakewalk? We men are tired too! But we still have physiological needs that have to be met.

        How would you ladies feel if you needed to get all your surplus words out at the end of the day, just to be constantly rejected by your husband? “Not now dear, I’m too tired to listen to you yap” night after night.

    • Valerie says:

      @ Sara: Well put! I had to stop and think to remember how tiring those early days were. (My own two girls are now 21 and 18, so it’s been awhile.) And yes, we DO need sex as well! I learned the hard way, communication is the key, but it has to work both ways.

  10. Nella says:

    “Maybe it was the fact that sex meant something else now, it meant a means to a painful end.”

    No, this is not it. It’s that, until now, she was able to keep up the illusion that you valued her for anything other than sex. I know you like other things about her, they are bonuses to you, but sex is her value to you. Now, she has brought your child into this world and sacrificed more for you than you ever ever will for her, and you whine about sex. She has come to the realization that nothing she will ever do will be enough without sex and it makes her feel defeated and unloved. It takes a long time for a woman to come to terms with the fact that her husband, the man she chose to give a child, is exactly like all the other men she rejected. He just wants her for sex. You may be marginally better(not a drunk or addict, a hard worker, etc), but when it comes down to it, you still only care about one thing just like every other man. You just hid it better and for longer. She’ll get over it in time because she’ll see that if she doesn’t put out, you’ll look elsewhere. She also knows that deep down, you do love her in your own self focused way and you can’t help it and mean well. The disappointment of processing this all is just really really painful. This blog post will not help that process.

    • Desiree says:

      I completely disagree. Men are not only about sex, even underneath everything. We are more than our bodies. And even sex improves when we know that…

      You grant yourself the ability to think in spiritual and devotional terms, “realization”, “sacrifice”, but you deny it of men.

      This comment is sexist.

    • andy says:

      This comment makes me feel awful. Not because I think it’s true, but because you do. :(

    • Jae says:

      Sadly I can see where Nella is coming from

    • tangoshoes says:

      “she will ever do will be enough without sex and it makes her feel defeated and unloved”

      This is what radiates to me. I don’t like the way the rest of the post was written, but that line… that sums up how I’m feeling. I don’t want much from him, just to do the little tasks I ask (garbages and the litter box), but I have to ask repeatedly, or it doesn’t get done. I take care of our son all day, I never leave the house, I cook, I clean, I do laundry, I bake, I pack his lunches for work… and when he comes home, he wants to be able to play video games, and I don’t want to deny him the opportunities to do things he enjoys, but he asks when he will get a day off to just relax and do nothing, and I wonder the same. I know he works hard, but so do I, and I feel as though everything I do isn’t enough, and he thinks I am on a break from work, but if we had sex more, he would be fine. I just have a hard time feeling like I should have to do something for him, if he can’t do something to help out around the house.

      Plus the emotions, and the negative feelings. I don’t like him seeing me, even after our son was born. Men talk about how beautiful pregnancy is, and it is, on other women, but seeing it in yourself doesn’t always happen. He tells me I’m beautiful and says all of those things, but it would mean more to me to help out than to try and win me over with flattery.

      • Violet says:

        your relationship just about Sums up my relationship with my husband. He thinks I have a wonderful stress free day. I can do as I please with only a few chores.. He does not understand that for me going to work is “Time Off”.

    • Anon says:

      I have to admit that Nella’s post spoke to me. This is my greatest fear about marriage and motherhood and why I cannot emotionally afford to marry or have children. As a woman, I truly feel it is just not worth it for the reasons Nella pointed out.

      • Nella says:

        Wow. I am so ashamed of the words I put out in a state of exhaustion and depression. I see what I wrote and see the temper tantrum of a selfish, spoiled brat. It does not reflect the truth about myself, my husband, our marriage, or motherhood. It reflects only that I read this post in a compromised state and chose to lash out rather than take a deep breath and keep my momentary bad attitude to myself. This has taught me a serious lesson about the power of our words and the damage they can do even after we’ve forgotten them. I’m sorry Charlie for tainting this discussion with my vitriol. Anon, if you’re out there, that post should not affect your openness to men or marriage. It should be a cautionary tale about the damage we women can do when we let our momentary emotions control us. I’m so sorry everyone. So profoundly sorry.

        • Elizabeth says:

          Nella, you did not say anything that women don’t feel from time to time. Don’t beat yourself up over it. With most men, what they want/need to to feel like a provider, not be ridiculed, and sex. Not necessarily in that order. These days, as opposed to the 50’s, nobody really knows what the expectations are or should be. And not very many people are willing to talk about it with each other, their friends, or, God Forbid, on national television. Kids change everything b/c those stay at home mothers are suddenly DEPENDENT and that creeps out our feminist souls! Even if you work and are a mom, you know you are dependent on a two person income for the things you want for your family, sex and the fathering of your children. And maybe men have similar epiphanies about being dependent on their wives for childbirth, mothering of kids,sex, and it bugs them to be dependent on any woman for anything. We’ve all come a long way(baby), but that doesn’t make it easy or perfect. I am pretty sure we all have a long way to go. If you have a partner for the journey, be grateful and make it work!
          -From a woman trying to take her own advice.

  11. You should totally get a blow up doll. They are also good for babysitting in a pinch ;)

    Seriously though, having a kid shakes your sex life to it’s core for many reasons. Newborns & toddlers are NOT sexy. I don’t care how amazing you look in tiny blue & white undies. What?

    Date nights help. Romance my friend. Laughter. Time away from your child. If you build it, you will cummmmmmmmm!

  12. All I can say is, “Oy.”

    This is about so much more than sex.

    Did you ever think that it could also be about her feelings/insecurities about herself & all the changes her body has undergone? Speaking as a woman who has had twins and is now pregnant again, I can tell you I am down on myself quite a lot…and I don’t want to have sex because I don’t want him to see me, b/c I don’t like the way I look naked, because I’m embarrassed.

    I can also tell you–screw your workouts, screw kissing/foreplay (well, they do mean something, but…)…try asking your wife what you can do to help her out—or do things she does all day long w/o being asked, i.e. take hte baby out in the stroller for a long walk and draw her a bath. Do the laundry. Cook a meal. Get someone to watch the baby and take her out for dinner. WITH NO EXPECTATIONS. And see what happens. Often? I’m most turned on when my husband notices and appreciates the very many things I do day in and day out.

    Get her a sweet, heartfelt card and write some of your own thoughts in it too, don’t just sign it. Bring her flowers “just because.” Having a baby is EPIC, but it does change everything.

    Play with her hair. Give her a back rub. Put your workout on hold and tell her to go meet her friends for coffee or a girls’ night while you babysit.

    I promise these things will be noticed/appreciated, and they will come back to you—but you can’t put pressure on her and you can’t have high expectations.

    Patience, my friend.
    @ErinMargolin
    http://www.erinmargolin.com

    • charlie says:

      Hey Erin,

      I did think about your first paragraph. I’ve tried to explain how beautiful she is. It’s hard not to disregard compliments when your head isn’t in that same place or sleep is diminished.

      As to your second paragraph, I’ve done those things too. How much or how little, is probably up for some good debate, and sometimes our life is so hectic that the reality is, neither of us gets the break.

      So in the end, I think working on our lifestyle might also be the answer and your comment definitely helped coalesce that for me.

      :)

    • Amanda says:

      I’d like to elaborate upon this, at least from my perspective/experience.

      Erin is absolutely right in her second paragraph. But I want and have to reiterate, if you are ONLY doing these nice things to get laid, your wife will see through it.

      My ex was the champion of this strategy. He would lament that our sex life had dwindled. True enough. I would point out that I was flippin’ exhausted from working full-time, caring for two children under two, AND caring for him. He would help out a bit…do some laundry, give the kids a bath. And then act as if he were king of the world and husband of the year and I should be begging him for the honor of sucking his penis.

      Erin said all this much more eloquently than me, but as a woman who has once been in that position, I just want to warn you that this can backfire if you go in with less than pure intentions.

  13. Desiree says:

    Charlie, if you want intimacy, be intimate. If you want loving, be loving. If you want kisses, be touchy-feely. Women are drawn not to visual images (however omg amazing you looked in them), we’re drawn to stimulating emotional and intellectual interchange.

    And start having a date night. Mandatory date night complete with both of you dressing to the hilt.

    • charlie says:

      Agreed on many fronts.

      Date night is a must. We haven’t been good about it, but we have to make the commitment and time. You’re totally right.

      • Desiree says:

        Is ‘date night’ working ((wiggles eyebrows suggestively)))??

      • Nele says:

        I don’t agree that date night is a must. When our firstborn was 9 months old, our sex life suddenly went back from nothing to practically every day, without a single date night.

        The crucial thing, I think, is sleep. My daughter slept a lot, my son hardly sleeps. He’s 1 year old now and I still hardly have the energy for sex. Oh, and I also disagree on the breastfeeding thing. I breastfed my daughter for 16 months and as I said, after 9 months we had a very passionate love life again.
        I got pregnant again when she was 1 year old ;-).

  14. first off, kudos to your (super hot, but obviously) wife for being well, hot and allowing you to discuss such things on the internetz. and kudos to you for doing it. people don’t talk about this enough and in turn i think readers just assume other people are still doin’ it and i feel that just isn’t true.

    i agree with many of the comments as far as hey, if we aren’t getting attention that doesn’t feel like a solicitation, then eff off. our minds are FULL of a million things all day – taking care of everything from diapers to emails to bills to trying to get a shower in – and then we get solicited for sex without so much as a kiss or sweet word? nope. not gonna happen. it’s not how we work. you guys can go from zero to hump in 60 seconds, but we can’t. especially when the majority of our day now is filled with making sure SOMEONE ELSE is completely taken care of in every way. then we need to take care of your boner as well? sorry, i’m tired.

    the commenter above that mentioned going on a date and getting sloshed then doin’ it has the right idea though. drunk = forgetting about our insecurities and other responsibilities for a while plus tipsy sex can be hot.

    i’m gonna go now. nice undies.

  15. charlie says:

    I just wanted to add a few things, as I watch these comments flood in:

    1. Sex is not the great equalizer in my relationship. It’s an aspect of it that I enjoy sharing with my wife. It’s a piece of the puzzle and part of the game. I share it only with my wife which is why it matters to me enough that I write this post.

    2. I am in LOVE with how many comments this is getting.

    3. I posted that picture of myself to scare me into being more honest. I debated leaving it out 100 times. I wish I thought more highly of myself that I could’ve posted it because I was proud or cocky about it.

    4. You guys are awesome.

    • dadand:pete says:

      I can send you my pic for a “before”.

      • charlie says:

        I was going to include MY before. But I didn’t want to be charged for people vomiting on their computers and having to compensate them…

        • Rebecca says:

          nah, thats just more square inch of you to love lol….”more bounce per ounce” and “more cushion for the pushin'”

    • andy says:

      I can vouch for Charlie. As rocked-out rad as he looks, he is in no way “full of himself” and I personally experienced a percentage of his 100 debates about whether to include it in the post or not! Ha ha ha ha!

      But now I want to include shirtless pictures of him in my future posts (even if it’s a post about clipping a baby’s toenails) just to amp up the numbers a bit. Hee hee!

  16. cooleo says:

    This post reminds me of my dear guy friend- – i could always hear him talking loudly in his office+ — gee this us worse than trying tiger sex from my wife. I think that is sad and that a couple should do everything in their power to keep flame alive…only if the luv is still there.if one partner has killed it for other, many times its hard to get back to that.so couple just acts like friends with no deep emotional no d…incollwge we call that Fu%&*ng roommates” and nothing else. That’s usually when 1 or other partner starts looking for luv elsewhere, nut can you blame them- – absolutely not… so office friend- – if ur woman don’t wanna take care of u- — ubetter go fund someone that will mr bean… u know who u r coolbean..luv has probably been there staring u dead in face n u did nothing about it huh…

  17. Dude. I have no valid suggestions. Four kids later and solo parenting most of the time while the husband is away and I’m so tired I can barely read about sex let alone put out for it.

    However, if you discover the magic solution to this particular marital problem, I will be the first in line to pay you big bucks for the answer.

    Also: Nice pic. *purrrrr*

  18. ApriD says:

    Found this blog post from a tweet that ended up on my timeline and I love it! I’m glad I’m here and I’m glad you posted this about your life.

    I think many people end up here at some time in their lives. In the beginning, sex in the relationship is high on the priority list. As we start adding in children in sex slowly drops down as other responsibilies pile up.

    I like to think of sex at this stage is like an investment. You take the time to invest in yourself and your body, in your career and your house. It takes effort, diligence, and skill to really get to where you have great returns. I like many of the suggestions above. With that “need” for sex falling by the way-side, it’s time to invest in the other things that bring you closer together. You replied above that finding extra time for this is tough with your lives. Like any investment, you have to make time or find some give and take with your lifestyles.

    Is she getting the chances to work on her body? Are you eating healthy together? I could imagine that if she isn’t this could have affect as well. If you get to work on your body and start looking good and she doesn’t feel the same way or get chances, that might be causing trouble too. That happened with my husband and I. I found time to get healthy & lose weight and he couldn’t. There was definitely issues there because of it.

    I hope you do find your middle ground or solutions. I’m married to a wonderful man and we have 3 kids. Finding time/energy is tough. Sometimes we just don’t care. I find that doing things that we enjoy together anyway keeps us close and intimate. Being honest with our feelings is also very important. This is one area, if left alone could be the rolling stone that started the avalanche later on, so be careful.

    And Good luck!

    • charlie says:

      The truth is, I wanted to write about this in a semi-funny way to get the dialogue started for other parents. I could care less about my sex life. Oh wait, that’s not true.

      The truth is, I wrote about this subject because I like embarrassing myself in front of hundreds if not tens of people.

      Thank you for taking the time to write such a thoughtful response. It’s so rad that we can do this.

    • Valerie says:

      So many amazing insights here! This blog is great!

  19. jess craig says:

    dude, did my husband pay you to write this or what?

    sometimes my husband does this dance where you lets it flop to side to side while walking towards me……………….

  20. JZ says:

    I sympathize, and wish I had an answer for you (and my husband). I think maybe it’s a combination of screwed up hormones, major ridiculous life change, lack of sleep, and crappy self esteem. But really, I have no idea. It’s just the last thing in the world I think about. :(

    • charlie says:

      You’re the first person to say I have no idea. And the truth is you might be right on some accounts.

      It’s the most important thing in the world, but it sure can be fun.

  21. buzzvibe says:

    Oh, dear. I’ve been there, done that. Don’t miss it, won’t go back!

    When a woman has a baby, the child becomes her top priority over everything else. Infants demand a lot of time and attention, and they become the most important thing in their mothers’ lives (if not the only important thing) for a while. Sex falls way down on the list of priorities, and our changing bodies, hormones, and sleep deprivation only add to our loss of libido. I think some men don’t really understand this, because for many of them their wife still holds the #1 spot on their list of priorities, and they have difficulty adjusting to this change.

    With my first child, there was tearing that took a while to heal and caused pain. I was breastfeeding, which didn’t go so well the first few weeks, and as a result I spent all my time with either a newborn or a breast pump flange attached to my tits (sometimes both), so when I could get any time to myself, I just wanted to be left alone. The housework wasn’t getting done, laundry was piling up, I felt gross, lactating hormones kept my vaginal walls thin and dry, and at times I was so overwhelmed that I would cry from sheer exhaustion. Nothing was going to get me in the mood.

    But after a few months, okay, more like 12, I finally got my desire back. Breastfeeding suppresses ovulation, so when my periods returned and I was back on my monthly cycle, my sex drive came back, slowly but surely. After my second child, things went much more smoothly on the birthing and nursing front, and I was back in action sooner. But those were still rough periods of time for my husband, and as our sex life suffered, so did our marriage.

    The only advice I can give you is to help out as much as possible. Do everything you can (some call it “choreplay”) around the house so your wife has less housework to worry about and can focus on taking care of the baby and herself. Watch the baby for an hour and let her have an extended bath or shower. Better yet, book her a massage appointment or whatever it is she likes to do to relax. Give her that time to herself, and she’ll likely give it back to you. When the laundry is clean and put away, the dishes washed, and floor vacuumed, then there’s really not much else to do when the baby is asleep, is there? ;)

    Oh, and ditto on the importance of date nights! Spending time together as a couple is crucial. Good luck!

    • charlie says:

      First of all, choreplay is simply genius. I think women find indentured servitude sexy. Lol. Truth is I love it when my wife feels pampered. And she takes to it cleopatra, sometimes.

      It makes sense physically why a body would shut down sexually in those first few months. That energy needs to go elsewhere.

      Date nights it is!

      • Christina says:

        This so reminds me of a pamphlet I found of really sexy male models doing things like dishes, dusting, and vaccuuming…

        I think it was entitled porn for housewives…

    • Valerie says:

      Choreplay…how fitting is THAT? LOVE it!

    • Nele says:

      Love the choreplay thing, still don’t agree on the date nights though. Time together does not need to be spent away from home… At the moment, with a 1 year old who hardly sleeps, I’d much much much rather sleep than go on a date night. I can also garantee that a babysitter won’t be able to get my son to sleep, so even if we wanted it, it’s not even an option. But we don’t. The husband and I agree that we don’t leave the kids with other people until they are approx. 2 years old.

      But yes, if my husband would make sure the house is spotless, I would have a lot more energy left for other things ;-).

  22. How old is the baby? Could be that she’s still sleep deprived…it’s amazing what lack of sleep will do. She also may not be feeling 100% about her body after the changes it went through during pregnancy…hang in there.

    • charlie says:

      He’s about 20 months now. We’re definitely both sleep-deprived, unfortunately. Finn has never been a good sleeper. While all our friends had babies that slept 12 hours a night, ours was up every 2-4 hours. Forever. Only recently has this shifted.

      Thanks!

      • Fred says:

        Dont feel alone in that. Our first slept 9 pm – 9 am from 3 mths on with the occasional bad night. Our 2nd one has the occasional “good” night where she sleeps all night after not going to bed til like 11 or 12 as I eluded too in another reply in “Booby Traps”

  23. Kristina says:

    Charlie, Man o man. What a brave subject to write about. From a women’s prospective, let me give you some insight. It’s due to: 1) Being exhausted 2) Being exhausted and 3) Being exhausted. That pretty much sums it up. Let me break this down for you. I’m too tired to: 1) Try to be sexy 2) Go out on date night, when I could snuggle on the couch after the baby goes to sleep and then proceed to fall asleep mid movie 3) Try to do all the self prettifying things I used to do: tan, facials, girls days out (which make us feel sexy), etc. Instead I’ll throw my hair in a bun and be happy if I get lip gloss on before my morning starts. 4) Um, have the brain cells to think of romantic things…”just because”. As my mind is occupied with “what did I forget”. And 5) I’d rather rest my feet for one moment then jump up and down being insane, doing Insanity. I hope that helps. :) Don’t get me wrong, I hope it’s not always like this. And lately, we’ve been discussing “how do we bring sexy back”. And while we talk big talk, it seems that Justin Timberlake is the only bringing it.

    • charlie says:

      Leave it to you, Kristina, to have an awesome comment. So funny.

      It’s a lot of work to get prettied up for you guys. No doubt. We just put on a new pair or jeans and maybe shower. Or maybe not.

      But here’s the other thing: you guys need that feeling. We, as guys, find you attractive with the crazy hair, the just woken-up look, etc. It’s hard not for you dames to look awesome.

      Nuff said. :)

    • Nele says:

      Fully agree with Christina!

  24. NOSEX says:

    Dude. I have a 5 yo and a 9yo. I hope you have better luck in the recovery.

  25. jetts31 says:

    I love the honesty. Took a lot of guts to write that. My thought? Ask her what she wants. What would turn her on (maybe you’ve already did this)?
    Or, get yourself a Superman outfit.

    • charlie says:

      Superman outfit it is.

      I’ll ask her again. I usually ask her when she’s asleep and its weird: I get really muffled answers.

      • Butch says:

        Charlie you are so darn funny. Thank you for being so transparent about your life and about your marriage. When I first read your post I felt that you and your wife have the kind of marriage that is filled with open conversation. I didn’t think that you were being selfish as some ppl have called you and that you only want sex from your wife as a means for your own sate (satisfy). I completely understand being so in love with a person to where they are your world and life without them would be a lonely place. I get that you crave affection from her and only her and when that’s not happening it brings your life to a slow grind. Many of the comments left are from ppl who have been hurt and broken and their advice is the same way. Some are funny and some are dead on point. Take what speaks to you as your truth. I think you may already know the answer to your question and your marriage will be back on fire before you know it. Best of luck to you in your marriage, being a father and in your career.

  26. JB says:

    I know exactly what this is like. Didn’t know how big I got until looking at old pics recently… not slim yet, but getting there…

  27. Andrea says:

    Darls, having two children 15 months apart I can easily explain one perspective – when you have a child, every second of the day they demand something from you – directly or indirectly – as such, your head is with them, no matter where you are in relation to them. Unfortunately the last thing on your mind is the needs of yet another person, and the more pressure you get to have sex, the less you want to have sex – I mean look where bloody sex gets you anyway? All I can say is it gets better. As babies depend less on Mum, Mums can start freeing their minds to other needs… and then sex can start anew. Remember men have sex with their bodies, women with their minds – so this is a big reason for sexual ambivalence in my opinion. Her mind is full. Just tell her she’ll love it when you do it – which she will… or suggest she gives it a go to shut you up for a couple of weeks? That seems to work for my husband… It’s just my perspective of course. Good luck!

    • charlie says:

      Did you just say bloody sex? Please tell me you’re English or Aussie? Because I’m about to be frightened for my life.

      My new foreplay “You’ll love it. Just give it a chance.” :) :)

    • bizzlebox says:

      I like this post! It does get better as they grow older.

      A great sex life with our kid at 5 years old has now been shaken up with our 6 month old. Things have def hit the breaks! Not just because of sleep (wanting it or lacking it) but logistically. It seems one kid is always with us now! On those nights when we are ready to get our groove on we are limited to the living room (couch is much sexier in theory) and the shower!

      Plus…I’m fucking tired and want to watch Game of Thrones.

  28. foreseer says:

    good luck, Bro…

  29. Honey says:

    She’s not having sex because she’s tired. She’s all these extra things to do. She still has baby hormones floating throughout her body. Her vagina may be drier due to those same hormones. Her belly/thighs/breasts may now have stretch marks. She may be wondering if you’re still attracted to her. She may simply NOT be feeling any kind of desire.

    when DH and I got together we averaged 16 times a day to have sex. Luckily he worked 3rd shift and I was constantly vomiting unless having sex due to hyperemisis. Neither one is good when you work with Brides so…I wasn’t working.

    After our son was born…still sex, but with the second? Please…the last thing I wanted to see was a penis much less have to touch one. Eventually that changed and we had baby #3…luckily, the hormones twisted back around and I needed sex….but fate was a cruel hag and we couldn’t due to preterm labor at 5 months. #3 is now 3yo.

    when he does something that helps turn my head off we can have sex. We’re only having sex about 5-6 times a week but it’s really only when he helps. Laundry, dishes, kids, a massage, takes the garbage out, does something nice and out of the ordinary like a card.

    When your life is mainly about protecting and caring for someone that needs,needs,needs (which a baby should be like that) you need another to give to you and fill what has been given. When you’re full…it spills over onto the ones that give it.

    Just imagine it. Passionate, exciting, intense sex…different than before…but very good. All you need do is NOT give to her with sex as the goal. Your goal is her…not sex.

    Good Luck! And, remove the email addy. It’s not helping you in your goal.

    Honey
    http://www.mondorfment.blogspot.com
    @Mondorfment

    • Honey says:

      Sorry but we only have sex 5-6 times a MONTH!! Not week. Freudian slip there!! ;)

      Honey

      • charlie says:

        16 times a day?!? I don’t believe you. Not possible!!!!

        And she actually loved getting the emails. Some were really sweet and helpful, despite reasons to think otherwise. :)

    • Aaron says:

      5-6 times a month? I wish.
      I do a lot. I know that women like to joke (for some reason) that mean overestimate what we do, but I really do a lot. I take care of all the garbage (and recycling, compost, etc.), I cook 90% or more of all meals, I clean the kitchen, I get the kids up and out of the house in the morning, and I do their baths in the evening. I put one down while she puts the other one down. I mow the lawn and shovel the snow. I maintain the house. I do a lot. I have virtually zero time for me. I get almost none. The fact is, that I have always helped out a lot. It is expected of me. I guess that I need to do something over and above to be noticed now… but there is little left for me to do.

  30. Jason says:

    This is good stuff. I too commend you, as a man, for sharing. Men don’t share enough. I would agree with the comments about sex being viewed very differently between men and women. My sex life with my wife was just OK before we had our three children (ages 7, 5 and 2). As the children arrived, we had sex, but it was still OK. There were high points and low points. As I began to understand how my wife felt about herself and how I viewed my wife and sex – not just me getting some, but pleasuring her and making her feel sexy and beautiful, then the sex became great! It seems the sex is better now than before we had children. My wife has began a workout schedule and is feeling better about herself. And I am taking the time to learn her body below the waist and above the waist. I would suggest keeping the communication lines open. Make sure you are letting your wife know how you feel about things and not providing the standard non-expressive man responses (I am still learning, definitely not as consistent as I should be). Keep on keepin’ on, my man. As long as you continue to love your wife in words and actions, you will reach the promised land. ^_^

    • charlie says:

      Great comment, Jason.

      I’m realizing as you write, that we are great with the non-physical, spiritual-type connection. I think our working on ourselves physically and otherwise can definitely help, along with the open lines of communication.

      Thanks again.

  31. Phil says:

    “Quantity” turns to “Quality, not quantity” turns to “Anything at all would be appreciated,” doesn’t it?

    The most important thing is being able to communicate about it. Silence only breeds resentment. And it really is never as bad as it seems.

    The two of you will have plenty to “communicate” about at this point, if only about the flood of emails alone.

    Also, I believe a few commenters have made a good point here:

    “HoneyIcookeddinnerchangeddiapersvacuumedgaveyouamassageandpaidthebills” is the new “JumpOnIt.”

    • charlie says:

      I read your new come-on line for me, to my wife and she laughed so hard.

      I wished there were more emails for her, but she’s been reading all these comments, so I think those should suffice. Especially, the ones that say I’m a sexist, chauvinist. Yay!

      Great comment and thanks for stopping by.

  32. JustTheirDad says:

    I just posted a fitting comment, but I’m afraid it may have found your spam bucket because I posted a link in it. It was a fitting link and not intended to be spam. Or maybe all comments go for moderation…

  33. DadStreet says:

    You had sex just 187 days ago? What’s your secret? I think I need to lose weight too! Not too shabby!

  34. Jerry says:

    Interesting to see so many posts from women, all with a common theme: the man should do everything (stress: EVERYTHING) with zero expectations. Yeah we know you’re busy and have a million things on your mind. Guess what, so do we. Yet we still want to have sex with you. Read it: YOU. So we’ll give you loads of NSA affection (because really, what’s more awesome than trying to convince your wife to have sex with you). We get it, sex with me reminds you of all the things on your plate (see: stress), whereas, sex with you helps me forgot those things. I know you can’t turn it on/off like we can. But here’s a suggestion: try. Just like we do when we’re doing the thousands of things we don’t want to be doing. We do the same for you when you need a hug or a cuddle. (Guess what, sometimes we fake it too.) We’re just built differently. If men want sex forever, they should have nabbed the slightly twisted girl with daddy issues who was incredible in bed (but couldn’t carry on a conversation) and married her. Awesome sex btw married couples will never happen. It simply doesn’t exist. Men can beat their head against a wall trying to do everything right, doesn’t help. To someone’s earlier point, women ‘see right thru this’. Which is part of the problem: why the skepticism in the first place? women looking at everything a man does with a skeptical ‘what does he want’ eye. Why? You used to enjoy fucking him. And what’s this treating sex like some sort of door prize. Are you kidding me? Get over yourselves. Do you really want a sexless marriage? What’s the point? I don’t need anymore friends. If I wanted to marry my platonic best friend I would have married Steve and gotten the best of both worlds: marriage tax benefits and sex with multiple women whenever I wanted. No, instead I chose to marry you, made a commitment to you because I wanted to have sex with YOU. And only YOU. But that’s not good enough for you. You want me not to ‘expect it’, to shower you in NSA affection and practically beg you for it. Then look at me disgustingly when I want it or god forbid ‘expect it’? Really? God forbid I actually want to have sex with my wife. I’ve begged my wife just to go down on her – with no luck. Ever. 10 years. I ‘expect it’? Yeah. I do. We’re married. If wanting to pleasure the woman I married because I think she’s incredibly hot (still, after 10 years) is so god awfully ridiculous, then FML. 

    Here’s a clue: I didn’t get married so we could be best buds and watch Glee together while I rub your feet. I married you b/c you’re an awesome person I wanted to have in my life intimately for the rest of my life. But that’s all forgotten the minute you’re a little ‘busy’.

    Ladies remember this: it’s a two-way street. That NSA affection you want that we’ve stopped giving because we’re tired of making all the effort and seeing nothing in return? Trust me, we realize there’s someone else out there who’d be happy to do it and watch Glee reruns with you. But also note: while the ‘pleasure of sucking your husband’s penis’ may not be high on your list, it just might be up there on someone else’s. 

    • charlie says:

      Mr. Louis CK,

      Thanks for visiting our comment section.

      Wow. I can’t even comment on this one. Anyone else want to give it a whirl? All I’ll say is, I think awesome married sex is possible.

      Thanks,

      Charlie

      • cupcake says:

        Awesome married sex is entirely possible. My hubs and I have better, more adventurous, more mindblowing sex now than ever. And yes, we have a child. He’s turning 15 next week, which is un-frakkin’-believable, as it seems like just a year ago that he was learning to ride a bicyle and swim and wipe his own ass (not at the same time, duh).

        I won’t say our sex life was “normal” in the weeks after the baby was born, or even in the first few months, but it did find a new “normal.” And the times I really didn’t want sex (after the immediate physical consequences of childbirth and early nursing, I mean), the reasons were primarily exhaustion or an inability to shift gears from thinking to just being. Women have trouble being sexual when they are thinking too much or about too many things. If they can stop the mind’s whirling and let their bodies just be in the moment, their bodies will find they are still sexual bodies with needs and desires.

        Remember, Charlie, she hasn’t really changed who she is on the deepest levels by adding “mother” to her identity. She and you are, however, adjusting. And adjusting your life is often an annoying, even painful process. Eventually, her core self (the self who loved sex with you, who played at sex with you, who reveled in sex with you) will find emerge and, if you allow her the time to get there, YOU will get the benefit of it.

        And to your lovely wife, I would add that I’ve found that the energy to have sex seems to generate itself once you start. The hubs and I found that curling up together to commiserate in our fatigue could lead to caresses (even not sexual caresses), then to kisses, and so on and so on. I found the casualness of it, that we weren’t having a big sex thing, just spending time being physically close, gave me the mental space to luxuriate in the moment, while reminding my body that touching feels good. And it feels good in a way that can kindle the fires of passion.

        The best of love and luck to you both. If you are able to read these comments and the emails together and to laugh at some of them, you obviously have a strong foundation. The sex will come back if you both let it. Hugs from Florida!

      • Valerie says:

        I am actually cringing at the thought of sex with “Jerry” as I imagine his poor wife must be. I feel really bad for her. Sometimes it’s all in the attitude, and this guy has got a really bad one. That’s one marriage that’s never going to make it.

    • Frustrated dad says:

      Although it can be said more tactfully there is a lot of truth in what Jerry posted. If you read the posts from the women, basically men need to help out and do more around the house in order to attain sex (like it is a prize). As women contemplate Charlie’s plea I ask one question, would your husband have married you if you had the same sex life before your marriage as u do now? One concern I have in the responses from the female readers is almost this complete lack of understanding that the woman should bear some responsibilty in trying to renew the spark in the marriage. I understand your tired and need help but it shouldn’t be a complete guessing game for the men.

    • sandfish says:

      My heart goes out to Jerry. There *is* a lot of male-bashing that can be quite subtle (and I say this after having agreed with the kinds of posts he’s referring to, until I came to his post and gained a new perspective), expressed in nothing but attitude and expectations that really do have a valid foundation but are taken to extremes largely because of the stress people are under. But because of that valid foundation, no one can quite pin down what’s wrong with the extremes, and if they try, they’re attacked. Jerry’s post sounds like the male side lashing back out; spoken in fairly extreme manner and apparently with reason, but making some very good points. He’s refusing to give up the notion of the real dignity and value of male sexuality and the fact that yes, a marriage should have sex in it, and either partner can rightly expect it from the other (at least now and then over time, with each partner having consideration for the other regardless of which is wanting sex or not). Women are not vending machines and maids, but men are not slobbering animals with one-track minds either.

      I find the raw frankness and driving desire of male sexuality to be frickin awesome, personally, and I hate it when it’s crapped on for simply being what it is; the problem is with misuse of it, not with its nature. Been married 10 years (no kids, though we’re finally considering it). Yes, great married sex is possible, but no, it won’t always be like that every time. There are plenty of times I’m just not into it, but because we have a great relationship on other fronts and I think my husband is just the neatest person in the world, I’ll generally give him the pleasure (even proactively and aggressively sometimes, but jeez, all I really have to do is lie still for a few minutes, it’s not like all that much is REQUIRED if I’m worn out, lol) that he so earnestly desires. It’s my gift to the man I love. The act may not always excite me, and I may think my body is gross sometimes, but I sure love how *he* loves it! };-D Woo-hoo!! I love what my body does to him, how he regards me—physically and as a whole person—as one step short of a goddess. There is power in having that effect on him, and I revel in it and I am determined to use it for *good* (I’ll spare everyone the Spider-Man quote). And in addition to having his own pursuits, he loves to help me around the house, and go out for coffee and long conversation, and caress nonsexually, and compliment my cooking and appearance, and all those other little things that have been mentioned that a man can do for his wife, including going to work even when he doesn’t feel like it—even when he’s stressed or sick—so we can pay bills and buy food.

      If he had an attitude of, “I do all this for you so it’s time you paid me back,” then no, sex and the rest of the relationship wouldn’t go well at all; I’m a prize to be won with character, not with barter. But things would also deteriorate if *I* didn’t have the attitude of recognizing how much he does and what a wonderful heart he has and then choosing to give myself to him with abandon because it so utterly delights him as nothing else could and I thrill to see that delight. Even when I feel like crap and need sleep. Just like he’d want to be up half the night tending to me while I puked, if I were sick and he’d been up for 22 hours straight already. Neither one of us has a give-and-take attitude; we each simply give. Step off the edge and trust that the other will catch us. Gah, I sound like I’m bragging, but I guess I’m just trying to speak through example, partially to say such relationships are entirely possible, and also to say YES, men need to focus on proactively doing things for their wives that have no connection to erogenous zones and that help them with the stresses of childbirth and -care, and YES, women need to *want* to see that explosive delight (since everyone else is using entendres) that just makes the love of their life *glow* and feel so good about himself and the world. I agree with “Frustrated dad” about mutual responsibility.

      @Valerie: the marriage *has* lasted, according to what he said—10 years. 10 sexless years, by his claim. That sounds like there’s some serious psychological trouble that needs major intervention. Marriage is not platonic friends, and it’s not supposed to be. And there’s nothing the least bit wrong with someone not wanting it to be. His post sounds to me like an extremely frustrated, end-of-the-rope cry for help and validation, and who knows, maybe he managed a superhumanly good attitude for 9 1/2 years but it’s finally getting to be too much. We just can’t know anything about the more complex issues that could be involved on either side, there, such as what he and his wife are really like in person on a regular basis… :-1

      • Tom says:

        Bravo Jerry and Sandfish. You nailed it. Thanks for this GREAT blog Charlie. Really really awesome.

      • Nele says:

        You do have a point, sandfish, BUT: You don’t have children. To me, that means you have absolutely no idea what it is to be completely and utterly exhausted. Before I had kids I often felt tired and even thought I knew what it meant to be exhausted. Believe me: I didn’t have the slightest idea what it feels like! Right now, I haven’t had a decent night’s sleep in 1 year and 10 months. I suffered from insomnia during my last pregnancy and apparently that was some kind of ‘warming up’ for the sleeping habits of my son. Waking up every half hour for months on end until you are dizzy and feeling sick throughout the day from sheer exhaustion. I still don’t know how I managed to stay on my feet, I just did. And I’m still lucky, since all I have to do to soothe him is pull him closer and let him nurse. If I had to actually get up and make a bottle or rock him to sleep, it would be a lot worse.

        And I can testify that it is possible to have fantastic sex as a married couple. My husband and I met when I was 16 and he was 20 and we’ve always had a fantastic lovelife, right from the start. Our daughter was born on the day we celebrated our 16th anniversary. To both of us, we can deal with not having any or having hardly any sex the first 9 months (or in my son’s case, even longer ;-)) after the birth of a child, because we know at one point it will come back and then it will be fantastic again.

        Jerry’s problem seems to be different, though. If you’ve never had a good sex life in the first place, it’s no wonder you’re extremely frustrated after 10 years…

        • Lane says:

          Nele, I think Sandfish doesn’t have to have children to know what it is like to be utterly exhausted. Childbirth is awesome and herioc, but it isn’t the only way to become exhausted. Working 12 hour days of hard labor, 5-6 days a week will do that do you, as will acute sickness. And not every childbirth ends up with the effects you suffered, God bless you.

          The whole import of her post is attitude, ie. LOVE. It needs to be there in radical ways for each spouse. And its clear by her attitude that she loves her husband and he loves her.

          I think Sandfish has a great foundation to weather children, or whatever challenge comes her way (If I trust that she is being honest…and I do). Just my opinion.

    • Smooth T says:

      I see a lot of shaming language hurled in Jerry’s direction, but ladies – pay attention. He’s saying what your husbands are thinking but are too afraid to say.

  35. wagthedad says:

    My neighbor has not had sex in over a year. His wife got pregnant with their second child, and no sex since then. He’s been working out like crazy, trying to get her to notice him, he’s helping more around the house, wants to get a babysitter so she’s not so exhausted.
    And guess what? Still no sex.
    I have to say that luckily my wife and I have never had this problem. The sex does get less and less frequent over the years, but it’s still within the average.
    That being said, I think that everybody deserves a healthy sex life and if you haven’t had sex in 187 days, that’s way too long. I would consider therapy, or maybe a mistress.

    • charlie says:

      The 187 days is hyperbole to make a point. It’s not that long. (that’s what she said?)

      By the way, I think the mistress route is foolhardy and weak. You should be partners in the endeavor. Communicate. Make it happen.

      Or if that doesn’t work, blog about it. ;)

      • Valerie says:

        Good on ya about the mistress comeback. And as for the “long” reference, lol, I made up this poem a “long” time ago:

        I hate to explode the male sexual myth,
        It ain’t the length, baby…
        It’s the WIDTH!

        Seriously! :)

        • Desiree says:

          Your sentence makes it sound like you want to be partners in the endeavour of finding a mistress… Hahahaha!

          • Valerie says:

            <>

            1. Reread (carefully) both posts prior to yours.
            2. Let sink in.
            3. Your reply makes no relative sense whatsoever.
            4. Thanks for reading, though! :)

          • Valerie says:

            Besides, the short n’ thick ones aren’t so easy to CUM by…oh wait, yes they are! They’re just HARD to find!
            Awaiting your ANALysis…Hahahaha!

  36. Cath says:

    Great post!
    I have three kids, born within 28 months. My twin boys are 4 and my daughter is nearly 2. Our lives are full of kids and all of their gear. My husband and I are best friends and adore each other. I have been through ppd and thyroid cancer since my boys were born. We’ve had a wild ride! But our view is that we are in this for the long haul: our marriage is forever. And in any long relationship there are ups and downs — but after a “down” there’s always another “up”. This thinking helps us to take the pressure off. We know (now, from
    experience) that it all comes back. Our sex life has changed — it is more about quality than quantity. But it has become beautifully intense and we value it. If you love each other you’ll get there too. But it’s a new normal — your lives (and your love lives) are different now, as are your schedules, your bodies and your hearts!

    • charlie says:

      “Beautifully intense” sounds awesome. I think it’s probably foolish to think things should remain the same. But if you take the attitude that things could be new and better, different, we’re more likely to create the one we want.

      And when you look at marriage, like you do, the bumps are bumps, not failures or dead ends.

  37. Paulo says:

    Dude, it’s awesome how many comments this is getting! In the South, people don’t talk about sex much, so we may just have to move out to Cali. ;)

    Since my son was born, it’s been hard to find the time for sex–I can totally relate. Sometimes after a long day of work, chores, taking care of the baby and making dinner, the most intimacy we muster is watching a 30 minute show on Hulu or Netflix. Sometimes I’m even too tired. (If you can imagine!)

    Like others have commented, we’ve tried to build up intimacy in other areas of our lives while still trying to find the time for sex. Hottest thing we’ve done so far was, on vacation, make love in the same hotel room while our baby was sleeping. Silent orgasms definitely amp up the intensity! ;)

    • charlie says:

      Gotta keep that baby sleeping!!!

      I was definitely worried about posting something this explicit on what could otherwise be an entertainment site.

      I think the point many commenters missed was that I was also trying to bring the issue out in the open for everyone. My wife and I talk about a lot of stuff and I figured with some humor this post could be a good catalyst for discussion.

      Make no mistake, I’m not saving lives or helping with cancer, but at the least maybe improving some marriages by opening the lines of conversation.

      We’ll see if I can become Oprah-Dad… not that I want her money or lifestyle. Sheesh. Too much work. But her influence and ability to help with her resources is almost like that of a small country.

  38. Rach says:

    You’re hot and cute, and I’m sure loads of women would want to have sex you, so your wife’s a very lucky lady :) Pretty soon she’ll realize that too, just woo her and try to win her over like you did the first time… You know, playing little pretend games like you’re meeting for the first time, stuff like that. You’ll be fine. Take care :)

    • charlie says:

      First off, there are most definitely NOT loads of women who want to have sex with me. And more importantly, I don’t have any desire for it.

      Second, my wife is a lucky lady because she has someone that gives a massive crap about her happiness. And I love having sex with her. Too much info?

      But thanks for the pep talk! Giving me hope.

      • Rach says:

        Hence the word «would» :p But it’s good that you don’t care.

        Like you said in the beggining of your post, you and your wife love each other very much. And now you’ve extended your love into a child. I’m one of those romantic persons that truly believes that love moves mountains, so I’m sure things will work out great for the three of you. And good sex will return, worry not, and it will be even more amazing than before.

        I love the way you talk about your wife, and feel you’re also very lucky to have found someone you can say those things about. Just concentrate in keeping each other happy, it tends to be easier than it seems. :D

      • Valerie says:

        Can you make a little stick figure with a skirt for us girls’ postings? Might make it easier to find posts later on. Just a suggestion! :)

      • Valerie says:

        Charlie, sweety-pie… “someone that gives a massive crap about her happiness?” Ummm, forgive me if I’m wrong, but, something’s just not quite right about that sentence. It has undertones of hostility. Do you not see that?

        • Desiree says:

          I think you’re reading too much into this. I’ve seen Charlie and his wife together. Charlie’s interesting use of the language aside, they have definitely got what it takes to make it, and even under stress, I ain’t seen no hostility.

  39. Andrea says:

    Ha, yes Aussie! Bloody is a great word xxxx

    • charlie says:

      :) love that word! It has the feeling of the word f*ck here in the states, no? Great word structure.

      • Valerie says:

        I really hate the “F” word. Even when spelled with an asterisk. That’s another thing most women don’t want to see in writing or hear verbalized. Funny thing is I swore like a truck driver when I was in the military, lol. But ever since I gave birth to my kids, I grew up and stopped swearing. Unless, of course, I stubbed a toe (which I did a lot), which would result in a whole string of F words, but that was the only time!!! I swear! :)

  40. Morgan B. says:

    I totally just emailed her.

  41. Rebecca says:

    Ha! Well, I didn’t get through all the comments, but I do have to say the women are right! Let me start by saying my husband and I have 4 children and we still have sex. I’m fixed now though! My husband is way more sexy to me when he helps out with the housework, than any other time. If I’m busy running my butt off til all hours of the day & night cleaning, or laying in bed thinking about all that I have to do the next day…..sex is the LAST thing I’m thinking about. In fact, it just becomes one more thing that I HAVE to do, not that I don’t enjoy it, but still, I can live without it. Women are just wired differently. If you were to ask here what you could do to make her day easier, that would melt her heart. Just knowing that my husband will lay there in bed and rub my back and fore go sex, makes me want to please him more. And knowing that my husband thinks I’m sexy hot even after having 4 kids…..is the best! I will say though that after having the twins, and being “fixed”, every time we had sex, I had an unrealistic fear that I would get pregnant. Having twins was hard and all of our kids were so close together, it was scary to think that I could get pregnant again and I honestly couldn’t handle having anymore children at that time. The ages where 3, 1, and 2-newborns. At that time, the possibilities of what having sex could mean, was traumatizing! So just love her all day long, don’t give her too much space, cause she may take it without it affecting her like it does you, help her out around the house, and make sure she knows that she is sexier now than on your wedding day, and do whatever it takes to make her feel comfortable about “having more kids” if that is an issue right now. GOOD LUCK & GOD SPEED

    • Valerie says:

      More good points from Rebecca. I guess I have amnesia about those days! But of course, the end results were all very well worth it. It might not seem like it right away, but all that sacrifice and effort will pay off someday.

    • charlie says:

      Congrats on sex despite 4 reasons to NEVER HAVE TIME. I think that parents of multiple kids are frigging superheroes. That means YOU! I have another post on whether or not we’ll have more kids here: http://www.howtobeadad.com/2011/2765/another-baby. Check it out. Lemme know what you think.

  42. Amanda says:

    Very funny post! funnier than you think it is, i’m sure. Once saw a mom say that having sex is weird because it is now an out-door and not an in-door any more.
    How about spiking her tea with some herbal aphrodesiacs?

  43. Jason White says:

    One glass of mine and the movie Water for Elephants did it for me buddy. Good luck

  44. Charles NotReal says:

    After our first child, we didn’t have sex for something like 250 days.

    We have the few extra pounds that we gained while she was in her “Pickles and Ice Cream” phase. She has a whole new body and a whole new role in life to go with it.

    I want to give you the stream of thought here. Follow with me if you will through the mind of new mommy.

    “I hate my body. I miss my husband. He’s been so good. Maybe we should have sex. Ugh. Why would he want to have sex with me now? Look at me, I’m gross. He married fit and perky me and now I’m down-and-dumpy mommy me. There’s no way I can be attractive to him. I know he wants to have sex, but it can’t be because he’s attracted to me. He’d probably just be thinking about that [insert your favorite model/actress/waitress that you think she doesn't know about but she does]. THERE IS NO WAY IN HELL I’M GOING TO HAVE SEX WITH HIM WHILE HE IS THINKING ABOUT HER!!!”

    And therein lies the problem. YOU getting fit does not change how she feels about herself. If you want to help, find active things you can do together without the kids that will make her feel alive and then have downtime afterwards.

    Just my two cents.

  45. [...] Louis C.K.  :  Suck a Bag o’ Dicks 2)  As of June 6, 2011, this poor bastard hadn’t had sex with his wife for 187 [...]

  46. Tamara says:

    Great article. I love this site and the funny cool way you guys write. Its nice to see “the man” perspective. I wish I had a husband that was that crazy about me and tried so hard to make me feel special and loved.

    The advise I totally agree with is Erin Margolin’s. Follow it and you will have a more active sex life.

    When having a baby it IS possible to have a good sex life, its just a matter of balancing the baby and house duties so you are both equally worked (not one is so much tired than the other), and making spouse time, be close, pamper each other, and enjoy.

  47. Young Mum says:

    Dude, this post made me so sad for you and your wife. I’m sure I’ll get in trouble with this, but maybe you should share my post with her… unless she’ll send me death threats, lol. My husband never goes without. ever. and I’m happier for it :)Good luck man xx

    http://youngmum-katiemul.blogspot.com/2011/06/dirtiest-word-we-dont-use.html

  48. Lori says:

    Hang in there (pun intended). Lots of us have been there. It gets better.

  49. Amy says:

    Just found this website … love it!
    Having been married for 11 years and having 3 sons, I can say that the more TIRED a woman is, the harder it is to cook dinner, let alone muster the energy to get wild (or do anything after the baby finally goes to bed). If you take time (and I’m not saying you don’t) and just talk to her … like REALLY connect with her each evening, things will come around. Just hang out — laugh, listen — with no agenda. Even set a goal of sex a certain number of times a week — even figure out which nights. I know it’s not as exciting as spontaneous sex but, when there are kids involved, it’s just a season of a little more thought a planning. It’s hard to feel sexy when you have been wearing other people’s bodily functions all day — and the smell of stale spit-up doesn’t do much to make a girl feel her sexiest :) Active and SPONTANEOUS help with chores always helps, too. I told my husband one night (while he was washing dishes in my bright yellow rubber dish gloves), that he never looked sexier than right that minute! Tee Hee … Hang in there — you’ll find a new normal.

  50. John D says:

    My god, why have we become a society where women see sex as something bad?

    Here’s the answer all men want to hear, and women don’t. Women get lazy. Simply put. It’s not your job to make them feel sexy, it’s theirs. Jesus Christ, when did the men in this world become such f**king p**sies to put up with it too. Sure, I’ve been guilty too of dealing with it in the past – but seriously men, there needs to be a new revolution.

    And women, I can already feel the anger swelling within. Do you know why it is important to “try” and continue and have a good sex life with your man? Because HE WILL start to look elsewhere. We are biologically engineered to do so. Don’t think your man is so good and devoted that he won’t do so – our penis is far more powerful than you could ever imagine.

    But if you are the most awesome chick in the sack, blow him regularly, he will worship you. And I think this is the point I’d like to make that most women miss… whether it be from reading too much Cosmo… or chatting like hens with other confused women. If you pleasure your man, he will be your undying servant. Now if that isn’t power I don’t know what is.

    Now I’m not some guy who doesn’t understand women. I was raised in a family of them, have many dear close (non sexual) female friends… and so I like to think I know you better than you know yourselves. You know, minus all the emotion that clouds your better judgement.

    American women especially get complacent – you’ll notice many of your foriegn counterparts make sure to continue pleasing their man. It’s not work for them, it’s fun. That’s why they look at you sideways regarding your feelings during sex.

    There’s two amazingly awesome things in life: food and sex. If you’re missing out on either, you’re missing out on life.

    And women, I do love you… This comes from my heart. Enjoy the sex. Feel the sex. Be the sex….and you may get your just deserts.

    • Valerie says:

      Believe it or not, I was married for 21 1/2 years and put up with a sexless marriage for the last 13 years of that marriage. The sexless part was NOT my choice! I actually happen to love sex and always have. The reason we ended up divorcing is because I finally realized I deserved better. I had lost 52 pounds at 49 years of age, looked and felt better than I had in YEARS, but was still stuck in the same sexless marriage. It was heartbreaking and depressing to think that this was what my life had become. So please stop generalizing about women and realize that there are some of us who actually don’t think of sex as some chore that we have to do. And yes, I had two children.

    • Renae says:

      Wow… that just hurts! Women get lazy? Hahaha! You are one of those guys who think sex is made for the men aren’t you? I am amazed by how many of my friends, who have been married for years, admit that they have never had an orgasm during sex. Think of that John… having regular sex for years, and never having a release. My guess is you would get frustrated at first, and then bored and not bother anymore. Get off your high horse

  51. Gena Morris says:

    My thoughts that every woman needs to remember. If you have more sex, you will feel sexier, get your cardio in, AND be in the mood more! You will also feel more energized. Yes sometimes it takes a bit of work to get through that first 1-2 times but it’s so worth it! Your sex life can be great. MEN? DO NOT COMPLAIN! Don’t focus on the lack of sex. Instead show her you find her attractive JUST BECAUSE. Trust me that will get you far! Help around the house even if you just worked hard. Take the kids so she can have a break or a girl’s night. When she is feeling more refreshed, she will be more apt to show you how grateful she is.

  52. Eryn says:

    Just you wait….You’ll have sex again. Wild crazy middle of the day sex.

    Then you’ll hear a knock on the door & a little voice will say “MAMA?!?! Are you CRYING? Are you okay?” You’ll come out of the bedroom to see your kids holding each other & looking very, very concerned.

    So, here we are. Not having sex again.

    • charlie says:

      Congratulations Eryn! You have now made ME not want to have sex for fear of scaring the crap out of my son! Well done!

      • Valerie says:

        On the other hand, he shouldn’t be left to wander around the house unsupervised at 2 yrs of age, another reason to hire a sitter.

    • andy says:

      Reading this comment I think I just lost at least seven future erections.

      • Eryn says:

        They were suppooooossed to be playing video games & ignoring us like normal children!

        Thankfully they bought “OH no, sillies, we were on the computer, I was laughing.” & went on with their merry day.

        & since this is the very 1st time I have been to your blog, you can’t even gauge if I’m kidding or dead serious. First impression: NAILED IT!

        • Honey says:

          We’ve used the ‘Oh, my back was hurting and daddy gave me a great massage’ line if it’s during the day. At night they’ve come to our door wanting to know if I was ok so I said, “I had a bad dream I’m ok.” The night one’s happened a few times so they think I have nightmares about my bad back.

          What’s embarrassing is my middle child offers to have her daddy rub my FIL/MILs back all the time “… ’cause he’s an amazing back rubber…” They know exactly what’s going on.

          I highly recommend a bedroom lock now if you don’t have one already. And, get in the habit of using it. You don’t want to have the conversation about how daddy was changing clothes and fell onto mommy if you can avoid it. Or even the one where a bug got into my bra and daddy had to find it. (Lesson learned? Nap time does not mean you can fool around in the kitchen.)

          Honey

    • Desiree says:

      I totally forgot about that! Happened to me too when my girls were two. At three in the morning, and bless their hearts, it was ages before I got back in the mood.

    • Rico says:

      Heh… my daughter’s response to hearing (not seeing) us have sex was “oh mama, you’re so funny!”

  53. Mookie says:

    Been there, done that. Truth be told it will get better. You just have to tow the line and take care of yourself for awhile. Soon, she will come around.

  54. Anna Maria says:

    Such a sad and true post. However, I have a slightly different take on the same tragic theme. It’s been a year since the birth of our son, and we had a fantastic, active sex life for years before he wanted to have a baby. We were certain that the post-pregnancy sex void wouldn’t affect us: after all, we loved sex! We were best friends!

    And lo, it started promisingly: we first had sex three days after the birth, and several times from then on. And then, boom, it all went wrong: mid-coitus, he sighed unhappily and said in the gloomiest, most self-pitying way possible: “Oh god, what have we done, I can’t feel anything, this is terrible” and promptly sunk into self-pity for weeks afterwards. Before birth, we had joked about the inevitable looseness, and I could have handled a funny, ironic “You know, perhaps we should wait a bit longer”, but his attitude was so unexpected that my self-confidence sunk rock-bottom. It was months and months before we managed to try sex again, and even now he often has trouble maintaining erections. Altogether things haven’t gone according to plan. This sucks. We’re not having another kid, that’s for sure.

    And if some git comes here with a helpful comment like “have you tried Kegels/benwa balls/whatever holistic crap”, I’m going to strangle them. Seriously. (And yes, I have!)

    • Valerie says:

      Hey, Anna Maria, just wait til your uterus/va-jayjay/bladder (or one of the above) prolapses. He’ll feel something again!

    • charlie says:

      I read your comment this morning as I ate a kegel with cream cheese. I totally understand how hard that must be. Your partner’s statement is a bit on rough side… Perhaps you should tell him to shove some benwa balls in kegels. Sounds like he could use a holistic reality adjustment.

    • Three days??? Didn’t your OB tell you to wait a little longer than that?

      Perhaps your early return to the game spoiled things going forward as your insides were, for lack of a better term, a mess.

      Good luck going forward…

  55. EmmaLee says:

    So you want to know why your wife won’t have sex with you. I don’t really know, what did she say when you asked her? I mean, I haven’t read all the comments to know if you answered that already, but that seems like a path to take. I have enjoyed perusing your blog. Nice that it is new so it was easy to look through most of the previous posts. (And your baby/toddler is super cute!)

  56. Melinda J says:

    OK, I didn’t make it through all the comments, so maybe someone already said this. If so, I apologize.

    The sex itself changes after the baby because your energy and time are low and your attention is divided. My husband and I got back into the swing of things while on vacation (with our newborn). We got him to bed and then snuck into the bathroom to, ahem, reconnect.

    We were reminded of how fun it is to sneak around for sex. The playfulness of it got us back on track and helped us accept and even embrace that sex now has to be quick (and QUIET!).

    I’m sure you two will find your way back to each other! Hang in there!!

  57. Anon says:

    Wow! Just read this via another. Diggin’ the whole blog page. This was theraputic reading this one & it’s comments. I think I’ll bone my husband tonight because of it.

    For really reals. Thank you men & women who commented.

    • andy says:

      LMAO! We’re glad we could do our part to affect people’s lives. Ha ha ha ha! Go get get ‘im, tigress. Tell ‘im How To Be A Dad sent’cha!

  58. O says:

    Our baby always wakes up when we’re getting “ready” to have sex. Other times.. we can be laughing.. watching TV.. there could be roofers next door and he sleeps through it. My husband vowed to get back at him when he’s older. He calls him the mommy blocker. LOL

  59. [...] fun — laughing so hard my dog was looking at me!I chatted and DMd and followed links to some awesome posts. I made new friends, like the hysterical @HowToBeADad, and connected with old ones, like the [...]

  60. Rudy says:

    Oh Charlie. It’s tough to not get the sex you want. But, seriously, telling your wife you love her, telling her you think she’s beautiful, telling her she’s sexy, and letting your actions mirror that might do some good. Words are a great way of getting me in the mood, maybe she would like that too. Also, you’re totes my new superman crush.

    • charlie says:

      I do tell her those things. I think words and the poetic language do mean very much to her. But also think environmental factors are huge keys to the kingdom, as far as I’ve discovered. I could compliment her and make her feel safe and beautiful, but if the stress in our lives and the lack of change in our pockets are too much, it can be a real sex suppressant.

    • charlie says:

      And thank you for your last sentence. It’s given me the courage to go after her again… ;)

  61. Barbara says:

    Right, how about I post here AND I email your wife? ;).

    So much has been said about this topic. And honestly when you read trough everything in one go, what you read most is frustrations i can relate too.

    We have 2 (even after all the sleepless nights wonderful) son’s age 15 months and 4 years old. Sex has been complicated for us sins the moment we fell pregnant (unexpected I was on the pill and we used a condom….) Because of the epic shock we had lol ;)

    I can’t tell you what will ‘solve’ your situation, because I don’t know either your wife nor you. But what I can do is tell you what helped our sex life to resuscitate from the depths of the Antarctic.

    When we had our first son, my body felt like it had been used as a punch bag for the last decade. I was so tired and so was my husband. Sex was something that became a problem for us because we both wanted it but we were to tired to actually have it. But because we feared that it would become a huge problem we would have sex anyway. That was a very wrong thing to do. It ended up with us having sex on a regular basis yes … but the fulfillment you normally have from sex started to disappear. I no longer got a orgasm, that made my husband feel bad, I had a harder time getting turned on, that made my husband feel even worse. He then started to feel like I did not want to have sex with him and after that we both ended up thinking one did no longer care for the other…

    Then we tried ‘date night’. That was even worse! The pressure we put on ourselves to work on our relationship and do things we realized was killing us. There was no spark anymore everything felt forced and plain wrong.

    The worst of this all was that not only was it killing our relationship, it was killing our personality, who we where, what we stood for. I and so did my husband ended up feeling like shell’s of our former selves. Because all we did ended up making us feel wrong we started to think that maybe we where just wrong for one other. Because if nothing works… it must be that we where just not right for one other.

    We had a massive wake up call in the form of a conversation we had with one other. Where we in a way where discussing a divorce, how the kids would be divided, what we should do etc …

    That conversation made us both feel so incredibly bad that it made us sit down and go back to the core of our relationship, what it stands for and most importantly what who we where as persons.

    We came to the conclusion that having a baby did not only change our relationship, it changed us too. We were no longer the people we were before we had kids. We had other dreams, thoughts, fears, worries, goals, etc … that was the moment we made the choice to stop all forced things and believe it or not, do nothing.

    We both grabbed a piece of paper and wrote down for 2 weeks everything we wanted, feared, felt, etc… We did not share this, it was private. We started to come to terms with ourselves, we started to find ourself again as individuals.

    Because the ‘I have to have sex now, I have to go out now, I have to clean the house now, My husband expects me to do this now, My wife wants me to do this now, and so on……….!!!’ fell of our shoulders we were able to find peace in our heads and THINK what is it what I want, need, dream off…

    After that we started talking to one other about what we had found out. And we rediscovered one other in a way we did not think was possible. Because we both could speak clearly and freely we came to the raw core of what we represent to one other.

    We had changed, and as much as we loved one other if we would not have stood still and evaluate on a personal level what having a child had meant to each one of us we would have not made it. But because we toke the time to come back to ourselves we did.

    And the sex after that became even better then it ever was. We hav always had such a open communication that people envied even, but now its upped a step. Its deeper then we ever thought it could be. And that helped our sex life to reach a beautiful level its at now. My husband and I learned that not only dose your mind change, your feelings, and body change to. I orgasm in a different way after i had my kids. I get turned on differently, I find other things sexy, etc.. and to discover that is loads of fun!

    Even after we had our second son we where looking forward to being able to have sex! Because my husband knew that he had to rediscover my whole body again! He knew that what turned me on before would have changed, he knew that we had to take it back to the beginning to work up again. And alto that is a lot of work… its just like when you first meet.

    We don’t have sex 5/6 times a week, we don’t have the time or energy for that. And alto there are of course the quickie’s in the shower when the kids are in bed, or have a nap… The times we really have sex are mind blowing. It happens maybe 1/2 times a week, but when it dose when i orgasm I cry tears, have the hardest time not waking up the kids moaning and he has just that same problem :p

    We tease one other endlessly but understand it when one is not feeling good our up to it. Sex is now a bonus to our relationship to whereas before it was on the “must do list” right next to the “shopping, laundry, etc”

    I hope you and your wife learn to rediscover one other post children ;) Let me know if you do and how you did it :)

    Greetings from Belgium.
    x

    • Barbara says:

      Oh dear that was long :o. lol I hope not to confusing ;)

      • charlie says:

        Thank you so much for taking the time and effort to write such an unabbreviated thought process. It hasn’t fallen on deaf ears. I think taking stock in the reasons you are in a relationship is a smart thing to do. Keeping it simple and looking at those creative, magnetic moments can sometimes open the door.

        By the way, I loved Belgium when I visited on tour once. It was so lush and beautiful.

  62. Christine says:

    You pretty much answered that one yourself in these words….”work as an actor that year. I worked my ass off.”

    The reason is quite obvious….Your Ass No Longer Exists!!! Therefore she has nothing to grab onto when the need arises.

    Have a good one my friend.
    xxx

  63. Stacie says:

    Very common! One thing guys don’t realize – it’s TOUGH to transition mentally from frumpy tired mama to hot sexy wife, it really is. Helps to be helped and very SLOWLY eased into it.

    Also takes a while for mom to remember that it’s a “break” & relaxing/enjoyable time for her too. Sometimes feels more like just another obligation at the end of an already long challenging day.

    Once I had a mental shift as a mom, things became much easier. Know what helped? Long weekend away, just DH and I & romance novels. Not because of sexy stuff but because of everything that made me go “awwww” in the books was actually happening in my life, I just hadn’t “seen” it that way until I read a bunch of books.

    • charlie says:

      Interesting about the romance novels.

      Yeah, transition is rough road for everyone, baby included, to traverse from shell-shocked new parent to “normal” person.

      She just needs to remember, as my trophy wife, I married her for her looks and prowess in the bedroom….

  64. RobertP says:

    Hey guys…I’ve read nearly all of these posts and cant believe all of the similarlities. I know that there are others that have had the same or similar experiences but I didn’t realize how wide spread a pandemic this is. In my experience, I’m 37, my wife is 35, and I’ve been with my wife for nearly 15 years, married for 11 years, with 3 kids (Girl 9, Girl 6, Boy 4). When we first were going together we couldn’t get enough of each other…and we would be adventurous at times without getting into many details. needless to say the sex and intimate activity was VERY good and frequent. Then…our first kid arrived. Expectedly the sex dropped and only picked up when we decided to have a 2nd child. Our third child wasn’t planned but was a wonderful blessing nonetheless as our kids are 2.5 years apart almost exactly which has turned out all for the best on the family front. However, the sex has all but stopped. At one time it was nearly 4 or 5 months in between while it has improved only slightly with the frequency being once every 1-2 months. I’ve explained to my wife my frustration but perhaps not nearly as eloquently as many have described above.

    I feel at my wits end as I’m so frustrated. We share the household responsibilities while I take on most of them…housecleaning, a lion’s share of laundry, groceriens many of the times, etc…while she works part time and does much of the kid carting around for doctor apts, and activities during the day while I try to attend as much when I can however I’ve got a fairly large responsibility job which means I don’t work 9-5 but I’ve made (by my count) a huge stride to reduce hours to spend with family and her. I’ve tried to be more sensitive and address her needs for non-sex related intimacy…it’s not like I always want it to turn into sex but once in a while would be nice.

    I find I can’t raise it as a discussion as I feel selfish for bringing it up. I know she is not interested in sex…as she makes every excuse and has used our kids as a barrier to this from time to time. I don’t know what to do!

    • Toni Powell says:

      You have to ask her in what ways she needs you to step up. Not about sex, about the whole relationship. What does she need from you, where are you missing the point.

      If you don’t make it about sex you might find something out.

  65. Toni Powell says:

    Don’t men know by now the BEST foreplay is doing dishes unasked (and not expecting anything) or cooking unasked or doing anything at all, unasked and just because you love her.

    I am female and have been married 33 years. Great sex all through the 5 kids (well you know, not THROUGH them)… it is all about being cared for and appreciated. Notice the little things, be thoughtful, communicate constantly your gratitude and be interested in her life. Biggest turn on, way better than a romantic date.

  66. Marie says:

    She’ll come around! She still loves the heck out of you and that’s what’s important. :) Everything else will fall into place when she’s ready.

    Oh! And I bet she’s loving this post! Making humor about a situation and throwing it out there is a great way to address a problem that A LOT of people have.

    I hope things are going well for you and your sweetie and you start getting it on soon!

    Cheers

  67. Neil says:

    Oh man, I can totally relate. Pretty much exactly the same thing happened to me. Sex wasn’t gone completely, but the combined exhuastion of the two of us could put a bull elephant into a coma (we’ve got a baby and a toddler).

    So, being as the sex wasn’t common anymore and work was blaise at the time, I started working out at home 3-5 days a week(weightless program). Good god, it honestly does take twice the effort with no sleep.

    Good luck with everything!

  68. general_mee says:

    Soooo… There are a million bazillion comments on here that I (being a stay at home with limited procrastination-from-housework time)have not read all of, so perhaps someone else has already said this too. Also, I hope that my “descriptive” langue is not too offensive haha, so here goes:

    You guys seriously stopped doing it while pregnant? I can hardly believe it… because i was like mega-hormone horny ALL THE TIME while i was pregnant!! My HUSBAND was the one that was always saying “nah, i’m not really in the mood…” And 9 months of no period interrupting the sex life? CHA-CHING!

    After the baby’s birth(she’s almost 2), We waited for about a month to resume because I had an episiotomy and a 4th degree tear, but after that was healed up a bit, it was time to get with it! Traditional “before bed” sex wasn’t always the norm anymore, we migrated to “the baby’s asleep! It’s 3:30 pm! Bow-ckika-wow-wow!!!” Right now, things have slowed down, but that is more because my husband is currently working away from home and is only here on weekends. I make sure to get him good while he’s home!!

    Anyway, maybe I’m just weird. But hoping that you and your wife can get your groove back soon!! :)

    • general_mee says:

      oops edit: stay at home MOM, that should read at the beginning!!! hehe

    • charlie says:

      You language didn’t offend me at all!

      A 4th degree tear? I just had a 5th degree tear in my brain-casing just thinking about that. Ouch.

      Maybe you are just weird, but I say ROCK ON. If you are having fun and being creative in that area for your relationship, that’s awesome.

      I think other priorities just hit us harder than we expected and stressed us more than we expected.

  69. Jennifer says:

    My husband and I have been together for 10 years, married for 7 and have 4 kids. The oldest (age 8) and the youngest (age 2) weren’t planned, I was on the pill. When we did plan to have a baby, we ended up with twins (age 6.) There were intermittent periods of lots of hot sex but more of almost no sex at all during and between each of my pregnancies. While I’m totally blessed to have these awesome kiddos, we knew after oops number 2 that there was no way we would trust normal birth control any more and we DID NOT want to have more kids no matter how awesome they are. So I had the surgical thing to make it official, no more babies. Since then, the stress of someday getting pregnant again has been lifted and the sex is frequent, unabashed, and HOT. If you and the lovely Mrs are done making your own awesome kiddos, take it off the table. It’s SO freeing!

  70. miriam says:

    I had no sex drive after pregnancy. None. (not even much during).
    Sure, I was tired, and the constant attention to the baby was draining (me to husband: “what do YOU want?”)
    I don’t know what to tell you. I didn’t look forward to sex, and didn’t really enjoy it. (and, of course, it doesn’t “count” if I don’t enjoy it, right?)
    Booze definitely helps.

  71. Ashanti says:

    with our daughter sex was awesome i went into labor during sex, that was terrible and there was alot of screaming(on his part) but with the twins was harder with me being a giant balloon and everything, i really really love this blog…lol

  72. JJB says:

    My wife is a great wife and I love her very much. I never have and I doubt I ever will have an affair. I’m committed to HER. I think she’s very beautiful and I tell her so. Maybe not everyday, but I do so often. We used to have sex fairly often, 3-4 times per week, and even though I could have gone 5 out of 7 regularly, we didn’t. She has never gotten much out of sex (with myself or any of her past boyfriends) even though I have tried everything I can to help her to enjoy it. Soft music, going slow, foot and legs rubs, head rubs, back rubs, nice dinner, candle light, etc. Not all at once, but a variety of things over the years. I have often made a point of doing these things and just rolling over and saying “good night honey, I love you” and going to sleep without expecting anything in return. A while ago she went out to dinner with her girlfriends and they told her to “ration your sex.” i.e., have sex 1-2 times per week, maximum. Their thought was if she was having sex less often, maybe she’d enjoy it more. The problem is, now we have sex only when she has any time left and if it’s 1 per week or so, then it’s once per week…or so, if she has any time left. SHe likes to keep herself busy with the kids and her mother. I feel really like I’m at the bottom of her priority list and it often seems like I’m just not on it anywhere. I still do all the things I used to like the rubs and massages but nothing seems to spark her drive. Sometimes I get to antsy and (yup) horny that I almost can’t stand it. I’ve tried to tell her how I feel but she just doesn’t seem to get it. SInce she doesn’t really enjoy it, she has said, why should I? She feels like she’s doing all the giving and not getting anything in return. What should I do?

    • charlie says:

      You’re asking me? I thought I was asking you???

      I’m not sure I can get on the “absence makes the heart grow fonder” train though. Let’s start there. If it’s about quality and not quantity, what the hell does putting a muzzle on things do for anyone but actively inhibit creating that part of the relationship. I mean, if it were for foreplay reasons to get you guys both more amped up, I guess I can see it. But reduction for the sake of reduction? REALLY??!?! That’s a joke in this situation for both of us!?! MAYBE I’M BAD AT MATH, BUT ZERO MINUS 2 EQUALS ZERO????

  73. wendy says:

    I love my husband! I love sex! I am tired!

    I can’t be expected to lie in bed (or on the couch) for any amount of time before (or after) sex and expected to stay awake. Impossible.

    That sums it up.

    Go after your wife in the kitchen. when she isn’t holding a chopping knife and the stove is on and you may, likely, score!

  74. Danb says:

    This post and its comments will go down in history as the answer to why the internet was created.

    • charlie says:

      Wow. Quite a statement. I’m people are jumping into the fray and being honest-ish. I tried to be as forthright as I could without, you know, being totally nude in front of you about my feelings.

      What a rad comment you’ve left. You win.

  75. Papabear says:

    Dude – Thanks so much for this whole blog. Here’s how I came across it. I’m lying here on a “date night”, trying very hard to not get mad at my wife for falling asleep. In other words, to quote Chris Rock from the movie “I Think I Love My Wife”, I’m trying all this sex we’re not having. (Great little movie. Co-written by the most brilliantly frustrated dad in the world, Louis CK).

    My situation is different. We have two wonderful kids, 11 and 6. And we’ve been together almost 20 years now with ups and downs both before and after the kids. The good thing is that we know we both love each other. It’s almost like war buddies. We can’t NOT love each other at this point. But it doesn’t seem to help through the dry spells, which are many.

    2 main points I wanna make.

    1. It’s good to see a guy with abs like you not getting any. I keep thinking I’ll have to put down the six pack and sit up my way to a flesh six pack to get my baby mama interested, but now I don’t have to since that doesn’t seem to help. Thanks!!

    2. Some great, honest and funny posts here from both of our species genders. Just one note for the ladies. Believe it or not we really do know all the stuff you’ve been talking about. That your tired, that it’s about the mental not the physical, that you need us help out more and do the chores if we want sex but we have to not want sex while we do it, even if that sounds like a Jedi Mind trick of insurmountable proportions, (“This is not the nookie you’re looking for”). But do us sex starved daddies a favor if you really love us. Pick a night, or day, doesn’t matter, and have wild crazy sex with us even when your not in the mood at all. Even when we didn’t do the dishes or separate the trash from the recyclables. Just TOTALLY SURPRISE US! Why? Not sure if Charlie would agree but I think most guys would prefer 1 night of crazy surprise sex than months of lame “hurry up and finish” sex or months of “stop begging me for sex” no-sex. (Can the battle of the roses pause for a minute to agree that we all hate the latter)! Besides ladies, if you try this “surprise” technique, not only might you find you like it too, but if you add something like “there’s more where that came from as long as you promise never to beg me for sex again”, I think you’ll find some very loving, helpful, patient, non-sex-begging papas at your beck n call.

    Last thing. Blogger (Charlie is it?). You and your wife are hot. Maybe too hot. Maybe that’s the problem. You’re hot, nice abs, funny good dad seems like. Change it up. Get beer belly and fart more. Maybe that’s what she’s looking for. Variety!

  76. Papabear says:

    Typo above: the line from the Chris Rock
    movie should read: “I’m trying to enjoy all this sex we’re not
    having.”

  77. K says:

    Excellent post. It’s very common and I wish I had the energy to read all the posts, I’ll get around to it.

    One thing my hubby did that helped… once… was he snuck into the bathroom while I was taking advantage of my chance to shower and groom and placed a newly purchased adult time get-up on the counter and snuck out. I barely heard him come in. But I was so excited! It’s not always easy to be ‘fresh’ for the moment and women may have back off on that so his timing for that was perfect. I’d just spent 20 minutes or more luxuriating in a shower giving attention to my own needs (shaving the legs). And I get a surprise! Girls do like surprise gifts for no reason. All these points made me go from 0 to 60 and ready to go.

    Just food for thought. It’s not an every day action but one that can be added to the list of sure fire ways to get her ramped up. :)

  78. Lizze says:

    I can tell you that this is a topic that women struggle with as well. Physiologically, for whatever reason, there is a tendency for women to experience a drop in libido after childbirth (natural or medically assisted). The last few months of pregnancy are uncomfortable, to say the least. Everyone is so fond of telling you to “get plenty of sleep now while you can.” HA! When you have to wake up every five minutes to pee and you’re abdomen is an inside out punching bag that just ain’t gonna happen! Then as new mothers caring for a tiny infant can be all consuming. There is a HUGE learning curve that comes particularly with new motherhood, not to mention adjusting to a seemingly entire lack of sleep.

    It’s not that we aren’t aware of or concerned with our partner’s desires and needs or even that we don’t share them but like several other posters above (and I’ll be honest I really only skimmed after the first dozen or so, so if this is all been said please forgive me) women need to fee wooed and wanted and placed on the chain somewhere above a breathing blow up sex doll. Obviously this is not how you see your wife and most often it’s not how most men see their partners but that doesn’t always change how the woman is feeling.

    One of the suggestions that I’ve heard from many other mothers is that sometimes you just have to go for it. Try to make the time for each other and just jump in. Sometimes a woman’s body needs to be reminded that it’s multifunctional. The brain rules the roost and right now it’s stuck on a baby only loop. It needs a kick start (please not literally LOL). Take the baby for the day and send her out for some “her” time. Shop, spa, hike, whatever it is that she wants to do. Then get a sitter for the evening (overnight if you can). Go out or stay home and make her dinner, whatever you loved to do before baby and haven’t had much time to do since. Then get busy. :) If that’s too much pressure on her then just offer to do dishes/bathe baby and put him to bed. Then give her a back or foot rub and a glass of wine and go from there. The more effort you put into making time for just the two of you now the easier it will be going forward. Look on it as dating again, and make it worth the effort! ;oD

    • I love this reply and I totally agree!

      I am however at the point in my pregnancy where it has been so long since I’ve had sex I don’t care how, when or where! Both partners need to be mindful of one another and regardless the circumstance the withholding of sex is ridiculous!

  79. Deanna says:

    Well, if it’s any consolation, women generally have a great sex drive when they hit their late 30s and early to mid 40s. If you can hang in that long, you’ll be getting more sex than you ever imagined! Not kidding. :)

  80. niel says:

    We had problems conceiving our first kid, so we were having sex often (on certain days of the month). It never became a task. And once she got pregnant we had sex probably until her 6th month, when it became uncomfortbale. I was cool with it. And after the baby, I gave her all the time she needed to heal. But after a while I felt like just her roommate and driver.

    So slowly we started have some sex again. But it is always when she is feeling frisky. And eventually we got pregnant again, and the whole getting back on the saddle thing is happening again. But now we have a three year old and a one year old we need to have asleep or at grandmas to have any chance of getting it on.

  81. TwoBusy says:

    I was really enjoying this post, and then I hit the pic and… and now I don’t know what to do. I feel like I just walked in on you while you were taking a shower.

    #awkward

  82. Dude…it likely isn’t your fault…

    There are lots of reasons your wife doesn’t seem interested right now; and surprisingly, most of them do not involve you!

    Check it out: http://goodhusbanding.com/dry-spell-it-may-not-be-your-fault

  83. april says:

    Hopefully, things have gotten better for you (and your wife) since posting this blog…

    I decided long ago, once I learned about the male sex drive, that I’d try to keep up with my husband to the best of my ability. It’s not rocket science that men and women are built differently. If women had something similar to build up and the subsequent achiness in the testicular region, coupled with a roaring libido, there’d be far fewer men complaining their wives never want sex. But, God didn’t design things that way. Armed with the knowledge that my husband is different and because I want him to feel his best and loved, I’ve made sex a priority. When I wasn’t ready to have sex in the first few weeks after our son was born, blowies became the next best thing. I had to convince him I wanted to (when, honest to God all I really wanted to do was sleep and cry my eyes out), and we were both better for it.

    My period comes around – an awful, week long affair due to problems with endometriosis – and I’ve adopted the same policy for when we can’t have regular intercourse: blow jobs. He doesn’t ask, hint, or demand. I just make it happen.

    I’ve never once used sex as a bargaining chip. I’ve never once made my husband sleep on the couch. I’ve never once told him I had a headache, I was too tired, I didn’t “want to.” We’ve been together four years and I have every intention of continuing this policy for as long as we both shall live.

    He doesn’t pick up around the house, rarely does laundry, never cooks. I’d appreciate if he did do those things, but I don’t choose not to be intimate with him because he doesn’t. He does, however, listen to me, tell me I’m beautiful at odd times and in different ways, and lets me know in a thousand little ways that I’m special and important to him.

    I can’t give you a formula for getting your wife to give you what you want. I can say that if she really understands your plight and she knows you love her, she’ll come shining through for you (if she hasn’t already).

  84. I must say it is the other way around for my husband and I, it always has been, in the beginning sex was nuts, (I refer to it as living in sin, because when we were before marriage, it felt good and dirty… much like sin, ha ha) It didn’t help that he turned me further out than I knew I could be. And now….. VOID! We were getting up to pace for a while there we had some really hard fertility issues and once I was getting it somewhat regularly (after 6 years), BOOM Im pregnant! I am now pregnant and days away from birth or Taking a hostage from the lack of sex! We have had sex seriously 3 times the whole pregnancy and the first 2 times were in the first and second months. So 7 months with out sex is sure to squelch a person Im like the virgin mary at this point because the last time I went over 2 months with out sex I was full on bible thumping virgin! I get his concern with our past fertility issues but it seems like the deep rooted emotional physical stuff is taking a crazy hit! The flooding of oxytocin to my brain is keeping us nice and in love but when that wares off there is no telling what I may do! Something has got to give, because I know in the next few days our lives will really never be the same and with the 4-8 weeks for healing it may get worse!

    An Idea, you may want to suggest steel libido for women to your wife its a natural libido booster, I’ve heard it works wonders I haven’t tried it because I don’t feel like rubbing up on random objects in public due to my already over the top sex drive. But my husband has tried the mens version and it was like day and night… now I just have to get him to take them these days!

    Hope thats helpful and know you aren’t alone!

  85. Secret squirrel says:

    Oh another suggestion, the book “the 5 love languages” by Gary Chapman, it’s an amazing book kinda a go back to basics in a relationship, both partners reading it is ideal! This book is awesome! It may bring new appreciation, reminders and a definite spark to the bedroom! I suggest maybe Jerry the guy a couple months ago who posted, he may want to look into it too, I know you get everyone’s Email through this, maybe drop him a note with the suggestion, if he is as desperate for his wife back as he seems to be then it’s a good start!

  86. Anna Nonamus says:

    Dead certain spouse feels and understads your ain. Woman + pregnancy + labor + no sleep + aising kids + weight gain + more kids = loss of libido.

    Spouse is ovr joyed if I let him play on my playground more than twice a month.

  87. TheNextMartha says:

    Naked jumping jacks? Pretty sure that alone takes 6 months to get over seeing. Especially with a sac scarf on. ::Shudder::

  88. Lin says:

    The book She Comes First by Ian Kerner is a must-read for men.

    Also I saw someone else mentioned this, but doing stuff around the house so that your wife is less tired really, really helps as well.

    When my husband says “I’ll watch Maya, go have a bath and read”, it’s the best foreplay ever.

  89. Leigh says:

    My husband & I have three kids (10, 8 & 3). After child number two, I learned an oh so true & awesome lesson from a dear friend willing to share. Here it is: I can be wined, dined & romanced to no end, but the minute I return home & hear a sniffle over the monitor or see the toys left scattered about, I’m instantly (and often against my will) transferred into “Mommy mode.” Mommy mode doesn’t feel sexy or horny. Solution… have sex before going home. This has really made things a bit fun too, finding places to sneak off to etc… If you’re having a night at home, try spending time outside on a blanket, the porch or even in the car. Hopefully you don’t have nosey neighbors :-)

  90. L020 says:

    I wanted to put my two cents in after I read most of the comments. My husband showed me this post to understand what had happened with us, and I want to share how we are now dealing with this.

    Please follow me in this metaphor: spending money is fun, especially shopping for new stuff, but nothing makes spending money more frustrating when it is for obligatory stuff like groceries, paying someone for something (especially if you think it is overpriced to begin with) or paying taxes. Also, nothing is more depressing if you have to purchase something, and you have depleted funds.

    I hear a lot of “date night” or “foot massage” comments, and those just don’t work with me – I’m not to be bought for a nice dinner, and though a massage or extra housework is nice, I don’t want sex to “pay someone back.” And don’t get me started on threatening to stray if I don’t put out – my husband would never do this, but too many comments suggested this. Just because (continuing with the metaphor) the IRS threatens to audit you, that doesn’t make taxes fun to pay.

    Can grocery shopping be as fun as shoe shopping? Yes – it was before kids. Now, however, our bank account is figuratively and literally more compromised. Keep the verbal intimacy up to make the physical intimacy better so she wants to have sex more than feels like she has to.

    Thanks for the insight and the way you publicly proclaim your love for your wife. It helped me see my husband’s side better.

  91. [...] Why Won’t My Wife Have Sex With Me [...]

  92. [...] is a really interesting link! Even the comments (very long!): http://www.howtobeadad.com/2011/2906/wife-sex-me It inspired me to even open up a dialogue with my OH which definitely helped. Good luck [...]

  93. Maria says:

    Here’s my input. I’ve been divorced for a long time but if a marriage was based on sex only, I would still be married. I think every woman goes through a dry spell after pregnancy. There’s many reasons and trying to figure out why is just wasting time.

    Get to work! U both gotta bring back that passion n desire into ur lives. Don’t plan on a special time for sex. Be spontaneous, don’t think about it and just do it! The stress might be at home- constant reminders there’s a baby. Foreplay! Lots of foreplay n I don’t mean just before sex. Get creative and have fun- while ur working out, get freaky at the movies, whisper to eah other naughty things while at ur parents or friends house, aromatherapy…

    Gotta look at each other as husband and wife not mommy or daddy. Good luck!

  94. Nick Clark (@NickClark360) says:

    I joined the army 18 months ago. My now ex-wife started (that I know of)cheating on me 18 month’s ago. Our divorce was finalized three weeks ago. I can count on one hand the number of times I have had sex in the last year and still have four fingers left. I feel your pain. BTW I have two kids and I love reading your blog. Good luck I hope things turn around for you.

  95. L says:

    She hates you for distroying her body and her sanity. Just kidding. But that was why my husband and I had a six month dry spell after number one. One night I woke him up to have sex just because it had been so long and I did not want to be one of thoes sexless couples. I did not enjoy it. He did not enjoy it. I also got pregnant and ended up with two babies 15 months apart. Be careful why you wish for.

  96. Laura says:

    Best thing you can do? Have her nurse the baby so he/she has a full tummy, take the baby, take her in the bedroom and seriously tuck her in for a nap. Kiss her forehead and tell her you’ll wake her when the baby gets hungry again, and until then she sleeps while you take care of everything, and then do all the things that need to be done around the house.. Seriously. BEST THING EVER.

    • Cam says:

      Is it weird that this comment actually brought tears to my eyes? I am beyond exhausted with two kids, ages almost 2yrs and 9wks. Do I feel bad that my husband and I haven’t had sex in months? Yes. But that doesn’t change my complete lack of desire for sex. He is at the point of basically begging for it, which is not helping his cause as I find it to be a turn off. I am tired, I feel gross and jiggly. My day is exhausting, trying to keep my toddler from destroying everything within reach for the brief split second I might turn my attention off her. My baby eats like she’s preparing for hibernation and could probably out eat Kobayashi. Add in the chores, errands, cleaning, screaming fits, baby taming, etc… I work full time also. When he gets home, he goes straight for the computer, and gets irritated when I ask for his help. He also likes to rile me up, which I keep telling him is counter productive, because making the woman you are begging for sex intentionally angry is just plain stupid. All I want is a solid 8hrs of sleep. If he came home and sent me to bed, watched the girls and took care of everything, he would have a much better shot at sex.

  97. just do it says:

    I’m a mummy – first time to a now 9month old. A lot of these post are true we do need a bit more help around the place and men need to be more patient – we had a few problems post birth which meant no sex for an additional 6 months but seriously women stop moaning – your man needs sex, your kids need a daddy around, pick a day and get it on – just make it happen – you’ll be happier for it and he’ll continue to adore you for
    1. having sex with him
    2. bearing you children
    3. being the most amazing woman in the world to him
    and the best part is if the house is a total tip or there’s something else that needs doing but you put out and forget about it chance are he’ll work extra hard to get it all sorted for you or he’ll pay a cleaner = great way to get the house work done in less than an hour ;-)

    • Lala says:

      Fantastic comment. I agree so much I want to jump up and down. I get a lot of weird attitude about my views on the matter. Thank you so much for also posting an honest reply. I’m a stay at home mum, my man works really hard for us. I’m so lucky to be able to stay home, so I don’t bitch and complain about the kids, housework, sex. It’s my job as I see it. And how right are you on the cleaner. God damn some women are stupid! Feed and bed your man and he will get a cleaner and take you away on holidays lol!

  98. Had my baby, he is 2 months now. I had a level 4 tear and still didn’t wait the allotted 6 weeks for full healing, as soon as I was somewhat comfortable with myself down there it was on… my husband and I had a long talk about the lack of sex and how it made me feel… we are having sex like every other day now because we find time, period. my kid is fed, changed, loved on, played with and he sleeps. 30 minutes to an hour is all it takes. My husband and I share responsibilities around the house, and I still feel like a fat tired blob, but when we are intimate even in the dark I feel better all around! Im a better mommy, wife, and person. Husbands and wives need to get on the same page and give to each other! a 50/50% relationship is a failing one you give 100% for 100% to each other and don’t look back, the kids will be fine because you are a team, the house will be fine because you are a team, and the respect and trust will be amazing because you are giving yourself completely and being taken care of completely.

  99. Lisa S. says:

    It’s ALL good Charlie. From my POV (I won’t pretend I know how wifey is feeling), it was quite a while before I could feel a lot “down there”, and I also had a really hard time feeling good about my body (I’m just now only 10lbs off from my goal weight). It slowed me waaaay down in the bedroom. But it’s picking up again..

    Just keep giving her attention and ask that she do the same. More and better sex will come!

    BTW I shared this with hubby because I think you two are related some how….

  100. Dani says:

    Wow, first off I loved this post. Funny, not too graphic and understandable. Your site is humorous and obviously some people commenting aren’t aware of that, I’m sure if you posted this kind of thing without your lovely wifes permission you’d be divorced, dead, or never getting laid again. I love that you two can talk and joke and blog like this. Women all know that after a baby (I just had twins last April), you feel crappy about the extra weight, and people need to realize men can feel the same! Good for you for working out, and I’m sure you have discussed with your wife that you don’t expect her to be back to pre-preg look immediately and that you are working out for you not to make her feel bad…I had that problem with my boyfriend…oh boy is communication key!
    Personally I’m all ready to having more sex again but he is the tired busy one, and im like hello kids are asleep, what are you doing? ;) if you want some you have to act like you want it, im not going to jump your stuff and get turned down! haha women need sex too!!

  101. emily says:

    this is great!

  102. Steph says:

    Not sure how I stumbled on this site. I’m not a parent. Laughed at the My Wife Just Said posts, then clicked this… and wow. You look good.

    I find it awesome that you worked so hard to make yourself sexually appealing to your wife (well, you did it for you, too.) If I ever get serious with a man, I hope he takes my physical desires so seriously (and yeah, I know; looks aren’t everything.) She seems lucky to have you.

    I don’t really have anything constructive to add since I’ve never been pregnant. Except maybe Google “how to increase libido.” There’s a bunch of natural methods of increasing desire, a lot of which is just common sense advice about increasing overall health, but there’s some specific stuff there, too. I hope your wife’s libido jumps back quickly, cus she has much to look forward to when it does!

  103. SomethingElse says:

    Have you asked your wife what her bribing price is? Kidding, but only kind of. I’m a mom, and before baby we had fabulous sex. But now… not just my view, but my physical ability and preferences have changed completely. It took 2 years to figure out how to relax again, how to enjoy myself and NOT think about my child or my to-do list or how fat won’t just melt away or how the other moms seem to have it together but I can’t quite get there or how much I miss the pre-kid spontenaity or how exhausted I am from even just thinking about it all…

    My finally asked me, quite literally, what it would take to return to something more than quick, pity sex. I thought about this for a couple days, and found my price, as it were. He knows now, he’s not getting any at all (unless I’m just feeling bad for him) unless he helps to take care of the kid when he gets home, so I can have a few minutes to myself. Bonus points if he washes dishes, cooks dinner, cleans the kid’s room, etc without being asked. All I need is some effort to lighten my load. That, and loud music so my daughter doesn’t hear anything down the hall…

    Just ask her.

  104. Alison says:

    This is great. I think my husband felt the same way after we had our daughter (she’s 14 mos now). I knew he wanted some action, but I felt completely non-sexual. He was very supportive through the whole thing, much like you, he loved me sooo much and found me so attractive that he wanted some lovin’ way more than what I was interested in. As a mother/wife’s perspective a lot of it had to do with figuring out how to be a mom and how to be that sexy wife.

    First off, I felt my body was just not up to MY standards. My hubs could’ve cared less..he found me sexy in every way. I felt like I was a milk machine. I breast fed for 9 mos. My boobs were my daughter’s for the time being – It was weird to think of them as sexual. After, she stopped breastfeeding and my body got back to normal, that’s when I started feeling not only like myself, but as the sexy wife my hubs saw me as.

    Now I’m back up to par and it’s really fun to try and get some quick action when my daughter is napping or sleeping. I’m very open with my feelings so I told my husband how I felt and that it had nothing to do with him. I think that made him feel better. It wasn’t that I didn’t find him attractive.. it’s just that I didn’t feel attractive so it turned me off. I think that’s a big difference in men and women. Men see it that if they’re attracted to their mate they don’t care so much how they look, they can get it on whenever, but for women it matters how they view themselves. Hope this helps and hoping you can get it on sometime soon!! :)

  105. LYKJSMN says:

    So before pregnancy, we were having sex about 2-3x/day… I would wake up my husband to have sex.
    After I got pregnant (totally unintended)… we had sex maybe 1x every 2 weeks? I was so tired being pregnant and working full time.
    After our son was born and the 6 weeks were up we’ve gotten into about once a day routine now?
    I think it we would be at our old frequency 2-3x a day IF a) he would spend more time just cuddling with me, b) I wasn’t working full time aka I miss my son when I get home and want to spend time with him and c) I felt more attractice– there were some days I felt so unattractive.
    OH! and I told my son my chest was off limits considering I was breastfeeding haha.
    All in all, kudos to posting this!

  106. Paul says:

    Okay, I know this was 7 months ago, but I love to read the comments on a lot of your posts. The conversations it inspires are really a source of good advice. Thank you for starting conversations by posting such personal info.

  107. Lala says:

    Great post.
    I’m a married mother of 3. Beautiful children (1 a baby). Thank you for providing men a funny and insightful place to consider their own ‘changes’ to life.
    I have made it an effort to look after my own sexuality. My loving husband makes me feel like the most amazing woman in the world for giving him children. Which makes me want him so much. I crave sex after the 6 weeks post bub block out. Even though my body is still wobbly and my boobies leak I get in and DO IT! AND DO IT WELL! There are times when my mind let’s little doubts in, but the truth is if your husband married you, you are his ultimate f#*#! so why be shy.
    Making time is easy, making excuses is harder. If babies asleep, then do it! Shower together, wash your wifes hair and back(that will get you brownie points)
    I suggest you give your wife a few hundred dollars and throw out all of her pregnancy and period undies. Killing the passion killers…speaks for it’s self.
    I love when my husband let’s me know how hot I am to him then walks off! Ie, when I’m scrubbing the shower , playing wii or even getting dressed! Having him tell me I’m desirable but not ask )or even touch sometimes) makes me so happy.
    Our last pregnancy was hard on us all. I was on bed rest until around 29 weeks with no adult fun allowed at all. When I was finally off bed rest I found it very uncomfortable to make love but desired my hubby so badly, I looked after him until bub was born. It was very intense bonding for us and helped me to reconnect to the ‘inner’ drive of our very early relationship sex. He is now repaying the favor. I don’t want any women bitching at me saying that is not setting a good example to other women or that we are not here to please men. Well, to be a true women we must accept we are a sexy bundle of femmine energy and should asert ourselves sexually. Be in control of your sex life! But have it. Denying yourself is not having healthy control.
    I hope somewhere in there you find a point to ponder on, lol!

  108. Andi says:

    I am having this issue…but its my hubby that won’t put out! Well, he does on occassion, but when he does it is so-so. It is not the awesome back breaking lovemaking that resulted in my now 1 year old son. I thought that maybe it was the fact that I put on weight after my munchkin made his grand entrance. He told me a few days ago I am “good and plenty,” meaning he likes me with the extra weight. He has put on about 20 lbs of baby weight himself, so I am thinking maybe he feels a little self conscience. I happen to like his “Jerome Bettis” physique. Any advice on how to add some Red Bull to our love life?

  109. notta says:

    My wife has given birth 4 times and I can tell you, if you dont act now, it could be a long time before your wewe touches her again. I did not play it right because I ignored what she needed and as a result, life got the better of me and I had sort of a nervous breakdown. Not having sex played a part but was NOT the only reason. To keep with the subject matter I will tell you that my wife and I have had sex only ONCE over the course of a year, no shat. I bought a three pack of rubbers about this time last year and still have two left. I gained more weight and she lost weight. I am sure I am not appealing to look at naked (lol). The internet became my wife and what a ride !!! But it is not the same as having real sex. My advice would be to take control now or lube up for your favorite fetish. Your wife is hot so good luck. Dont mess around and let another man put his peepee in her.

  110. Victor says:

    I’m curious about how many voters so far…

  111. Ed says:

    Sorry if this has already been mentioned but if she went back to the same birth control as before the pregnancy it could have a depressing effect on the libido. I went a year and a half asking the same question. I forced her to ask her gyno and he changed her birth control and boom! Back to pre-pregnancy levels.

  112. michelle says:

    Hysterical. But you, know, I am equally interested in a “took my wife out to dinner or did something sweet and loving for her without expecting sex” counter.

  113. Pseudonymous says:

    My wife and I recently had our second child. Let me tell you, I can certainly relate to your situation. Although, I hope it has improved for you since this post is almost 8 months old now. If you have any worthwhile suggestions I would love to see a followup post to this one.

  114. Natalie says:

    Charlie and Andy,
    Totally off subject, but I just found your site today from a friend’s post on FB and have been browsing around. I really really love your site! I too (along with some other commentators) admire the way in which you talk about your wife with such admiration and love. I am not a mother, nor am I planning on becoming one in the near future, but this is a site I already shared with my fiance and has started making it’s way through our circle of family and friends. I love the way in which both men and women can relate to the subject of children, pregnancies and all the other stuff that comes along with partnerships, marriages etc. We love it already and will be coming back! (Also, I’d like to note that I have ALWAYS been a silent follower or observer and have never once commented on anything outside of Facebook until today.. no longer a “blogging” virgin I guess). I am just truly amazed by this site and love the way in which you guys have incorporated humor, and openness to sometimes touchy and stressful topics… or whatever topic (you have so many cool ones!). You guys are awesome! Thank you for your time and dedication :-)

    • Natalie says:

      Oh yes, I almost forgot.. since it has been 8 months now, I hope some of the above mentioned tips and tricks have worked for you. :-)

      (…and already I’m addicted and have officially become a blogger) haha! :-)

  115. Anna says:

    I am not married yet, but just recently got engaged and will be married here in the next year or so. As a sexual abuse survivor, Charlie I have to say that your comments, love, and dedication that you have directed here towards your wife have given me a lot of hope for my future marriage. I am still a virgin and am a little worried about having sex with my fiance when the time comes. A lot of these posts were really inspiring just talking about how married sex can be really awesome and loving. Thanks so much for starting this conversation! :-)

    • Lala says:

      Please see a clinical psychologist or similar. They can help you to prepare for your emotions on sex. And to help you in having a safe and gentle line of communication with your hubby. I say this with full compassion. Get help now. You deserve a healthy, happy life. Sex is often the major stressor in marriage as you can see from the above comment thread. Don’t risk, starting your sex life with fear and baggage. Take care and all the best.

      • Anna says:

        I’ve actually been to two different psychologists and while they helped, I left with the realization that no one can really fix me, it is just something that I have to learn to address it as best I can. My fiance was actually the first person I ever told (long before we were even going out) and has been there and been incredibly supportive through the entire healing process that’s happened so far. I appreciate the concern, unfortunately though, I think that we are as prepared as we’re going to be and the rest of the healing will just have to come in time. As I said, though, I do appreciate the concern and the suggestion.

        • Lala says:

          You sound like an very logical and intelligent person. Being aware of the issue is your best step forward. You don’t need fixing. Your perfect, and he sees that too.
          Take care and enjoy the wedding and your married life xo

  116. char says:

    so i feel kinda in the male role of this whole post… me and my man have 3 kids (1 mine, 1 his and 1 ours) when i was pregnant we had sex 2 maybe 3 times a day. but since the baby, its slowed down…..he works full time and i stay home with the kids and babysit. but by the end of the day he says he too tired….i have tried everything (yes guys even going down on him) and hes just not into it. we only get our fun on weekends. He says its the age differnce, im 25 hes 38. but i feel bad asking and him saying no all the time. any advice?

    • Lala says:

      Pretend you don’t want it! When kids in bed do exercise in the corner of the lounge. Be over the top really bend and stick out your bum! When my man has had early starts or late finish times, I have told him to have a beer and nap when he got home. Then he woke very happy, after kids werein bed. And looked after me, very nicely lol.
      Bugger it, tell him that you need him in you now, or you going to take the credit cards to buy mumma some toys lol!

  117. Lala says:

    Giggly bits? Hubby loves having a chubby body to play with for a while. I’m betting 90% of hubby’s will be loving that big bum and boobs! Having full on sex will help to tone and lose weight. Don’t wait for your body to be the same as it was, just do it! Realize your denying yourself! Don’t want him touching your wobbly bits, then tie him up! Simple!

  118. Mark says:

    My best friend I were discussing this very issue last week. He asked when it was the last time my wife and I had engaged in my favorite past time. I told him it was last night. Then he asked well when was the time before that. I told him four nights ago. He couldn’t believe it. I told him the secret is to not take your foot off the brake. Your best defense against a drought is to keep the pressure on. Don’t let up or you’ll be sorry.

  119. Erika says:

    OK, I’m sure my hubby could have written this post. My answer? Exhastion. It’s hard to get into sex like I used to when:

    A. When the baby is sleeping I want to be sleeping too.
    B. When the baby is sleeping I have a least a portion of my attention listening for her.

    I don’t know what the answer is. I’m hoping that once I’m getting more that 3 hours of consecutive sleep/night again, the mood will return.

  120. Pema says:

    I couldn’t read all of the posts so I might be repeating what someone else said already but if your wife is still breastfeeding, her hormones are definitely not back to normal yet. They decrease libido. I just had a baby and am dealing with that right now. Also agree with the whole exhaustion, mood, timing thing. It’s difficult to find the right moment. Good luck! Much respect on loving your wife enough to look for a solution within the confines of your relationship, rather than outside of it. :)

  121. Foz says:

    I wish you would have been around when my 2 were teeny. Your blog is insightful into how dads feel. And I never apreciated that. Anyway, I haven’t read all the posts, but here goes. These things would have saved my marriage, post children for sure.

    Sex for a woman is all about the head right? As sleep deprived as you both are, nurture her. A nurtured mama is a nurturing mama – and that’s towards you too.

    Make her feel like she is more than ‘just a mum’. I know how dumb that sounds. Because I have worked my ass off for others in employment, but nothing compares to being a mama. But when you become a mum, it’s like you are invisible. make her feel visible again.

    Show her you want her. I don’t mean in that grab-her-ass-when-she-bends-over-to-pick-a-toy-up kinda way. I mean, when your babe isn’t around/asleep, grab her and give her ‘that’ kiss you gave her that made her melt pre-child. Hold her in ‘that’ way with no pressure. And then carry on with what you were doing.

    Get her maximum sleep quota. Because the more rested she is with motherhood, the more you get a piece of her.

    And finally. You know how you got all fit and hot for her? Let her have a go. Get her to have some ‘me’ time, where she gets to do something for her body and soul. That is a biggie. Because when you do something for yourself as a mama, you want to share the love :).

    I hope you get it sorted.

    Love x

    • mo says:

      Yeah, what he said! Especially about the part where you give her a kiss or sign of affection and then return to what you are doing, not just so you can do the deed. Being a mom of 2, it’s not just that we are tired and such, but there is an actual hormonal change we go through that you guys don’t. We just made another human, and then they come out and we nurse them and our bodies aren’t back to the “let’s make a baby” situation yet. For me, my sex drive was WAY connected to my desire to have a baby, when that was taken off the books, I wasn’t as interested. My youngest has been weaned for several months now, he’s almost 3 and I’m finally, just now starting to get my sex drive back. Of course…that could be due to the desire to make another baby! lol, but seriously, it was largely hormonal. And exhaustion. I haven’t had a solid night of sleep in over 5 years and I’m tired! I love having sex, but I just didn’t feel like it anymore, I was too tired to make the effort. Once we got intimate I was more into it and happy to take part, but taking that first step of actually feeling like having sex was like climbing a mountain for me. Anyhow, I also think things like constant bits grabbing while I’m turning around to deal with a crying kid or taking a break after making everyone food, etc, can get a little annoying. Just a hug for no reason is a whole lot nicer to receive sometimes. So there you go, that’s my take on it all. And totally give her some breaks to herself, let her get a pedi, buy her flowers for no reason and randomly bring home a bottle of champagne just because. Just don’t start bringing flowers home every night because you want to get lucky every night. Takes the randomness and fun out of it.

  122. Wham bam - thanks Sam says:

    Sex drive and it’s control by herbs

    I have the same problem. After our third child she has lost all interest in sex. I’m a man and i’m actually glad my wife has lost interest in sex. My only wish is how i too could lose interest too (without surgery of course). I love my wife, so if i was rich i’d just become a polygamist (or get a mistress since polygamy is illegal in America). She’s so tired of my sexual advances that she would be thrilled. But since i’m poor, my dream would be to find an herb, or drug, that would take away my sex drive and give me the time to focus on getting rich! I’m just sick of being tired and poor as much as she probably is. Why doesn’t anyone ever address lack of time and money as the culprit for men, and not just women? I’m afraid that if i do decide to abstain that it will just make me totally angry all day and bitter. I have to take Ginseng and other such herbs to keep my energy levels up, but then that just exacerbates (no pun intended) the problem. Someone must know of a good anaphrodisiac or anti-aphrodisiac that can keep me happily married. If not, i’ve come to the conclusion that it’s best to abstain and just become a total askhole. Seems to work very well for all the other successful donkeyhole CEO’s out there. Maybe that’s why they are rich and i’m a nice guy, and am not with the money. lol

    I’m sorry, but after 16 years of great sex and a wonderful marriage it would be wonderful to just turn my over hyper (but normal for a man) sex drive off so we could both spend more time with our children and focusing on what matters most to us. Seems a cruel twist of fate that God allowed women the ability to loose interest in sex after having children (job done / mission accomplished!), but us men are plagued with hormones like a war without end, or a perpetual perfect storm that only ends in peace in blissful death. I’m so sick of sex, or lack there-of, that it makes me envy women completely. I would get castrated in a second if i didn’t know the massively negative side affects that come from it, not to mention negative social and work repercussions. I don’t like homosexuality (oh and since it’s 2012 i’m “sorry” for being honest, and would never go there no matter what), but i have a feeling that the main reason there is so much of it now days is because men and women aren’t honest about the reality that some animals need more than one female to keep them satisfied. Since most men, including myself, don’t want or can’t afford that, we REALLY need to find a drug or herb that would balance the tables. I bet it would sell 10x more than Viagra ever did. Not everyone wants their wives to get back on the “Oh yippee! I can’t wait!” sex train again (or maybe they do and it’s only me who values money and time over sex right now!). I’ll blame the economy ;-)

  123. Wham bam - thanks Sam says:

    Before you “fly off the handle completely”, “blow a gasket”, or say “what a nut job” – consider this, Duracell (sorry, those were as punny as i could think of). I did a lot of reading into what would sexually satisfy my wife and bought a lot of different vibrators until finding one she liked and could use during our intercourse. For her, the vibrator and climax lotions are a must, and although she’s been my only sexual partner, i would bet they are an absolute must for most other women as well. It shouldn’t be too much for women to figure out that most men don’t really want a cleaning freaking house or home cooked meal as much as sex. Seems a lot of people on these forums has their priorities out of place. Sooner or later men are going to, unfortunately, get in touch with their feminine side and quit wanting to be treated like a chore chart item (kids settled, clean house, make food, take care of husband if not too tired). It shouldn’t be so hard for women to do a little research too and read a book like “Tickle his Pickle”, or pick up a video at the non-children’s video store and say something to their husbands like “Honey, i want to try something on you that i would be embarrassed to try on a normal married man!”.

    True, i think men are just as guilty for not doing adequate sex education research, but i don’t know too many men that would say “Oh i know it’s been weeks, but forget the sex tonight honey, i just REALLY want you to vacuum the !@#% floor or fix me a mother efay-ing taco. I’m just not interested in your sexual energy and love as much as having a clean house or food in my fat tummy. Besides, Honey, there’s really not too many restaurants or grocery stores with pre-made food here in America”. Seriously?! How stupid is the obvious? The path to a man’s heart is NOT through his stomach unless he’s seriously diabetic or overweight!! Men want sex and respect and the rest is just icing on the cake. Women never seem to figure it out. Please DO make a chore chart, do put the kids first, but then second should be placating the husband – not playing around the damn house. We all know how to push a vacuum, do dishes, get diner, buy flowers and candy, and make a nice bubble bath. Hell, my wife is a stay at home Mom with three kids and she’s as busy, if not busier, than when she had a day job. We men don’t have to be cuddled, but it sure is nice for us too. If i have to be a chore chart item, i can take care of that chore myself and then there’s not really anything left for men left in the relationship now is there, unless you have Mommy issues and just LOVE having a live-in maid and nanny (the non-Schwarzenegger type nanny of course). Maybe i’m just talking myself in circles. But some of us have already tried the “do everything for the wife so she’s in the mood” route. It might get you laid, but it doesn’t mean it will change her hormones or mood for being excited about making the sweet love. I know i still need to do a lot more research into this myself but the more i research anti-aphrodisiacs, abstinence, and polygamy as valid options / solutions – the more simple the answer seems to be: “Don’t worry – pee happy!”. It’s ultimately just our choice how we react to the natural change that having children does to a sex life in marriage. We have to decide if children are more important than our needs / wants and if we are willing to sacrifice those needs / wants for them. I would have to say that every good parent will whole heatedly agree that in the battle for compromise, children are worth every painful change and surrender we have to make for them. The difference is if we are willing to make the sacrifice for our family willingly and as a team. I read somewhere that the ONLY thing that causes divorce or keeps a marriage together is a balance of power. I hope i find a way to be on the same level as my wife so that we become an awesome parent team in reaching our losses and gains mutually and together! I’ll be sure and let you know what works best for us. Ironically, mutual abstinence, for now at least, seems to be working (strangely enough) not too badly. I’ve got more energy (anger management?) to focus on my business and have more free time for the kids. May God bless all of us in our quest for marital peace and happiness. Oh yeah, and Happy Valentines day!

  124. Renae says:

    Hahaha! You’re posts are so real and fun to read. Okay, maybe I am an odd duck here, but this is my experience: From being pregnant to the toddler years sex had become another chore. Yes, I said it.. a chore. I have three children and the 3rd was it for me. Finished. No more babies. Then he turns 2 years old and shortly after I have turned into a nympho maniac. I’m not tired anymore! I want SEX! Yet the last 6 years has conditioned my poor husband to become used to going without. So now I am the one begging for it, and he can take or leave it. How’s that for irony? My opinion is that your wife will find that need to “rock your socks off” feeling again, just be ready for it when it happens. Unless I’m an odd duck.

  125. Äm says:

    I´ve discussed with my friends about this. I´ve been wondering if I should just “go for it” even if I didn´t get anything out of it. If his back were itching, I would surely scratch…? My friend said it is a matter of practice. The more you do it, the more you want it. So maybe your wife should just jump on it…

    Our third child is almost four months now. We´ve had sex twice since he was born.

    And I agree what “Jerry” said.

  126. lindylou says:

    I am mother to a 9 month old. My prioities are:
    1) said 9 month old
    2) my students (my teaching career)
    3) grad school

    There is no time to make the state of my home or my husband a priority. When my husband picks up the slack & does a substantial amount of cooking & cleaning – THAT is when I find him the most attractive. Try cleaning. Man with a vacuum, man with dusting spray, man cleaning the toilet – that’s pure sex.

  127. Tealilly says:

    My hubby and I went through something very similar. This is an older post so hopefully you two have found your rhythm again. Whereas lovemaking could be super sexy and animalistic before I had my son, pregnancy changed me, being a mommy changed me. It took almost five months for me to figure out how to make sex appealing to myself again. Then finally, I had it. I told my husband I needed him to be more tender, that the super sexy stuff seemed cheap now, it wasn’t sexy. What is sexy now is him laying beside me and stroking my arms and back while staring deeply into my eyes, stuff like that. Our love life has taken back off. Its different than it was pre-baby. But of course it is. We are different people now that we are parents.

  128. anonymous says:

    I had the same issue after I gave birth to my son. It was a long time until I felt comfortable from healing. I think we waited 6-9 months after he was born and even then it was slow until I was done breast feeding. Soon after that, I’m not sure when I started wanting it more often. We have a very exciting sex life. I usually want it now more often than he does. We keep the excitement going by making new suggestions, of course with the restriction of having a 2 year old in the room next to us. I’m actually 4 months pregnant with our second and we do it all the time. I think it will slow down in the upcoming months. Recalling the first pregnancy he wasn’t that into doing it when I was in my later months. He actually felt like I was using him towards the end to try and induce naturally, LOL, so he had a lack of interest.

  129. arc says:

    Gosh – I couldn’t read every reply in one sitting, but I wanted to respond now (while my kids are asleep!). I think it is amazing that this is such a common problem, and I am not surprised. I have five children and friends with children. All it takes is a few friends that you’re semi-close with before the topic of sex comes up.

    In my opinion, men and women (for the most part) want/need sex for different reasons. Men need it because it their core it is how they express love. Plus their hormones drive them toward it. So it is hugely physical – but being denied (by a person in a monogamous relationship) is so harsh emotionally. It cuts to the core.

    For women, it is a bigger emotional connection and response. When they feel close to their love, then they desire that closeness and that physical relationship.

    Enter children.

    As a mother you are giving yourself over mentally and physically (and many times emotionally) to your child(ren) all day. When you have your first child, it is the hardest transition because it is all new. By the end of each day you have given more than you have ever had to before. You’re pulling out your breasts 16 times a day. You’re sore, you’re tired, you’re hormonal. After six or eight weeks of this, when you’re starting to feel semi normal again, now your husband just wants in on his “piece” again. If the emotional relationship hasn’t been there over the past few weeks (months?) then it is hard to just reconnect immediately. I think that many couples relationships shift completely at the birth of a child. There are completely new roles to attend to, and they forget their relationship with each other. It is totally easy to do because you have this adorable infant that needs attention and NOW. It is always easier to forego an emotional response than it is a physical one – in other words, easier for a woman to forget about sex (because it is very emotional for her), than for the man to to (because it is very physical for him). I think for a lot of women it is like sort of just not calling a best friend for a while. While for men, it is like that best friend just totally died. If you follow.

    So how do you fix it? Ugh – it’s hard. You have to first admit that it IS a problem – this is hard for women. Of course the man knows it’s a problem. But women need to understand that for men, this is a huge part of a relationship. Likewise, men need to understand that for a woman, her emotional needs are to her what sex is to him…and to respond accordingly. When a woman feels close to her man then she is likely to feel more sexual towards him.

    I think that men feel sooo wronged that they aren’t getting their sex anymore. But honestly – have you asked your wife if she is getting what she needs emotionally, from you? In all likelihood – she will say no. Women lose out too during this time….but it is different for us – we are made differently, but it is just as important to tend to, as sex is because it is part of the dynamics of the male/female relationship.

    And it is hard – both sides of it. There is less time when you are learning how to be a new parent. You have one more person involved in the relationship. It takes a lot of time away from what you used to be with her. I think it takes a lot of time to figure out how to juggle the relationship back into the right *spot*. But it can be done… it does take communication, and just trial and error. =)

  130. smbass says:

    As a first-time mom (I’m currently six months pregnant), I just wanted to share my own novice experiences. My boyfriend and I never had daily, or even regular, sex; I guess it was an important but not necessary part of our relationship. When we both felt like doing it, we did it. At this point, I do feel bad when he expresses the desire to get intimate with me, though I fail to see any part of myself that is attractive at this point. My midriff isn’t huge, but it’s the biggest I’ve ever been, and attempting to put my socks on causes large amounts of emotional distress.
    I guess it’s a combination of my rough pregnancy so far, and my self-conscious belief that I “look like a potato,” but I have never felt less sexy in my life.
    However, I worry about him constantly. Sure, I may be the one having to carry and give birth to his daughter, but the guy can’t help that, and I want to be worshipping anyone who can go through my first-trimester “crazy wombat phase” and still want me around at all.
    I think the most I can say is, don’t think that your wife has forgotten about sex, or that she doesn’t care that you want it. In all honesty, I still really appreciate my boyfriend’s expressions of attraction to me, even if I can’t reciprocate them very well. He still makes me feel beautiful, even if I feel like a lardass and cry about giving up my blue jeans. I feel bad that my body doesn’t respond the way my mind and heart want to.
    I’m sure that she appreciates your efforts, even if she can’t express that appreciation in the most satisfactory way. You’re an awesome husband, and she knows this. Just give her time.

  131. Kate says:

    How funny, I have never EVER seen such a long comment thread in a blog…did you even know when you were trying the jumping jack trick that so many others would relate.

    Cool blog!

  132. pianoman says:

    My wife is 35 weeks pregnant with our first child (a boy!). The first three months were good, then her libido went to the curb until about two weeks ago. Very interesting the changes that go on through pregnancy.

  133. Jeanna Walton says:

    I gotta tell ya, after I gave birth, the last thing I wanted to do was have sex. My poor lady parts took a beating, and just the thought of a penis getting near me made me shake in my boots! It took 9 months for that baby to make an appearance, yet many men expect things to go back to normal in a matter of days. Nope. Doesn’t work that way. It can take months for the energy to come back, what with the sleep deprivation, the hormonal changes, the changes your body is undergoing yet again. And still, the bulk of the baby care is still expected to be done by the female. Fatigue is post baby reality, people! It just takes time, so for crying out loud, be a good sport, stop thinking about sex for a full minute, and help and support her in any way possible. Given enough time, you will probably be richly rewarded. :)

  134. Jamie says:

    Ok, I have been in this position I am a woman and have a two year old, before we had her we had amazing sex, then when I was pregnant we went threw the usual stages. No sex in the begining, then sex, then no sex again. Anyway I have 3 other children as well and I can tell you from experiece, child birth changes a womans body and not just physically. It will take a long time for her hormones to regulate back to pre- pregnancy. That is really what it all stems from, it’s not anything your doing wrong she just can’t control it. It is a good idea to try what another person said with the non- physical attention, but it’s not guaranteed to work. After going through pregnancy you sometimes feel difformed and not so sexy. Just give her time, be understanding. Your sex life will come back eventually.

  135. Steve Cummings says:

    Well duh… the Creator of the program (sex) wrote a manual (the Bible) and when you follow the directions- great sex and everything else. But when you don’t (i.e. sex before marriage) you short-circuit the system and of course there are problems.

    • stacy says:

      The bible is a work of fiction writen to dictate false morality and control the common man. Be uncommon and think for yourself.

      • JJ says:

        Stacy, you really should disclaim that this is your opinion. Having studied the very claim you’re making for over a decade now, I came to the opposite conclusion. However, what I learned in the process is that the motives for the multitude of biblical authors had nothing to do with what you’re claiming here.

        In short, your claim is a child’s argument.

  136. Lady Rogue says:

    Charlie-Wife: Jump that man’s bones like he’s in the cast of Twilight!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Yeeeeee-haaaaaw!!! “Vampire sexy”!

    • miz arbus says:

      From my experience..having a child makes you feel more of a woman than ever.Just a different woman. Be persistent, remind her that she is still that other woman, except more so. Who else is ever going to give birth to your first child? Neck, foot rubs. Make/order dinner. Do the laundry, vacuum. Try to jump her when she has on no make up, hair is a mess etc..She’ll get the feeling back!

  137. Craig says:

    Twice in the 11 months since birth, 0 times post fertility assisted conception and conception itself wasn’t particularly romantic.

    I love my wife, I love my children, I’d die for my family, but while I’m alive do I have to feel half dead?

  138. Deathgrip Johnny says:

    My experience has been the same after our only child was born. Here it is five years later and I have to beg to get it 1x/2-3 months. We have talked about it in great detail over the years and the only answer I’ve ever been given is “I just don’t feel the urge”. Unfortunately blogs like this cement in her mind the notion that this is “normal” for married couples and that men are a bunch of whiny babies who need to suck it up, grow up and get used to it. I’ve read a lot of posts and forums in regards to this subject and there are always women who show up and say things like “get off your butt and help her out with the kid” or “touch her without asking for sex and tell her how much you love her”. All I can say to that is that I am the primary caretaker for our child AND I do most of the house chores. I have always been a man who makes sure she “gets hers” first in bed and I USED TO BE a demonstrative man until about two years ago when I realized it made things worse and not better. How so? you might ask. Here’s the skinny: When a man is physical in a non-sexual way, demonstrative and loving with a woman it makes him want to sex her up even more. That’s right (gasp) non-sexual contact can be stimulating. If the woman is more interested in the affection and the non-sexual contact then she gets everything she wants and needs and the guy is left with a really bad case of blue-balls and a murder-boner of another kind. After years of non-sexual contact the guy starts feeling used and neglected – I did anyway. I’m pretty certain this sexless marriage thing isn’t normal but know that there are other men who are in your shoes. Take a deep breath and stock up on KY and buy a gripmaster hand exerciser. If you figure out a solution let us know.

    • Deathgrip Johnny says:

      A few more things I have to say.
      There are a lot of reasons why most guys stop getting sex, some are mostly your problem others are mostly her problem and some are nobody’s fault perse but a problem nonetheless:

      – You aren’t doing your fair share around the house
      – You aren’t helping out enough with child rearing
      – You don’t pay enough non-sexual attention to her
      – You don’t do enough to “warm her up” complements, flowers, foreplay, dialogue, ask her about her day, etc
      – Your attitude sucks and she hates you
      – You gained a lot of weight
      – You don’t shower, shave or stay neat
      – She has low self esteem (weight gain, stretch marks, hair loss)
      – She has a physical health issue causing low libido
      – She is tired from being overworked
      – Money is really tight and she is stressed out
      – Age (menopause)
      – Sex hurts her physically or psychologically
      – She is conventional and you aren’t doing your “man” duties (home maintenance, car maintenance, yard mowing)
      – Lack of sleep
      – Lack of alone time

      Any of these things can cause depression which doesn’t help. I’m starting to come to the conclusion that it all boils down to a couple major causes:

      1. Low self esteem (yours and/or hers)
      2. Stress
      3. Her perception of you

      If her self esteem is low there is only so much you can do to make it better. Some people are psychic vampires when it comes to complements and psychological support. If your self esteem is low she may not respect you or desire you. Stress can lead to depression and all of the above other problems (overeating, fatigue, bad attitude, poor hygiene, weight gain, lack of sleep). If your habits, attitude, social status or appearance have changed she may have lost some attraction to you. A little bit of all of the above can cascade into complete sexlessness. I’d say the modern marriage, high unemployment rates, rising cost of living, gender expectations, pretty much everything in our modern lives creates the perfect conditions for sexlessness.

      All you can do is your part of making her day and yours less stressful. You’ve already shown that you work out and stay fit, it seems like your attitude is pretty good since you are trying to find a solution through dialogue. If it’s money and/or “not enough time in the day” issues combined with low self esteem, depression, etc then you are going to be HARD PRESSED to find a quick or easy solution.

      If you aren’t pulling your weight to pay the bills it might be weighing on her mind – she may not be willing to admit this because it will spark an argument.

      No matter how you look at it you are going to have to make a decision at some point. “How long do I live with this before I walk away?” or “I’m in it for the long haul so I better get used to being totally sexless while we work on it.”

      Good luck! No matter how you look at it it ain’t gonna be easy brother and there most likely is no quick fix. Most of the time I just feel sad. The whole thing tears at my self esteem daily and after 5+ years I have just begun learning how to deal with it in my own head. I’d say I mostly don’t deal with it. I pretty much live single with my wife in the same house while trying to ignore my attraction to her and my need for sex. We get along, we are friends, we love each other, we share responsibilities but we are platonic. There is no ONE way of dealing with that besides divorce. My wife and I don’t even discuss the issue any more. We’ve had our arguments, spoken our fears, shouted words, cried, cussed, rationalized, hypothesized, nothing has helped.

      • Lala says:

        I have sex with my husband when I don’t feel like it. And 99% of the time I get my rocks off too, and sometimes want round two!
        I see my role at home no different to his work day, only he earns the money. For which I’m thankful. So at the end off the day we are both tired and stressed, but we still have sex daily!
        We have 3 kids under 9 (1 with a disability) so I have a lot on my plate. Without sex I would be a bitch! We both need it to keep sane, healthy and connected. Life is hard, and I need my best friend to be my lover. To sweep me up when I’m a mess and just TAKE me! We have created a dirty little life for ourselves after dark. It makes us so happy!

        I know what you mean about the being friends thing. We love each other to death, but without sex how long would we last? Sex is important and women need to stop fearing sexuality. Mothers are sexy not frumpy ( yes ladies, your man wants you in your trackies and hair bun as well as fishnets!). I hope that your wife will give you some off her loving!

        • Pat says:

          We’ve been married alot of years. Our oldest is about to go to college. Sex on a schedule works. When the kids were little, we fell into the habit of having sex every 36-48 hours. I don’t care if I was tired, we did it anyway(and I enjoyed it). Sometimes I resented the rigidity of the schedule, but it did keep us intimate when I probably would have said ‘no’ 9 out of 10times.

          I’ve had sex with milk leaking out. I’ve had sex and not felt much of it. I’ve had sex after total exhaustion. After all of it, I’ve felt a hundred times better and a hundred times glad that we did it.
          Now, as middle age creeps up, we’re having sex every 3-4 days and definitely before and after business trips and away trips of any kind.

          My hubby is an engineer and I’m a techie so maybe it’s our analytical brains that made the schedule so logical.

          Bottom line, just do it. Even when you initially don’t want to. An orgasm(with your mate) is the hidden remedy for all of life’s problems.

  139. Oh, I have a comment, I didn’t read all these so I don’t know if it was brought up, look at you, wow, she just had a baby, I remember when I had my daughter, I brought my jeans to the hospital to come home in, I was 22, I thought she came out and my tummy went down, now I have a baby to take care of, I am tired and FAT, SEXY, is not something I feel right now and having a husband that looks like that, well, it would just make it worse, I had gained a lot of weight because I was sick and I lost it very fast, actually, lost much more but most woman don’t lose it that fast and went back to work teaching arobics part time and still didn’t look like you. Yhe last thing I wanted was to be looked at naked then. I had another child 7 years later and although I am little and have a cute little figure with my clothes on, I am a woman that gained a lot of weight and lost it and was tiny, I have stretch marks that I have always been very aware of, I know when someone loves you, they don’t make a difference, but that is how I felt after having a baby, very unattractive and it took a while for the whole birth thing to wear off also.

  140. Journey says:

    I just saw your story on the internet and started laughing because I can relate to not wanting to have sex at times after having our kids. Your picture looks great. I am sure she is still attracted to you but unfortunately when a baby comes everything does change. A womans body changes dramatically and can takes up to over a year for her hormone level to get back in balance. Just help her out as much as possible with the baby and the home chores to relieve as much stress as possible therefore you two will have more time for each other. You will now have to work a little more to get her in the mood but it will be well worth it in the end. Just be patient and love her!

  141. steve says:

    Charlie- just dump her now. I went though the same shit for years and 22 year into it she says I really just don’t like sex anymore and my shit dries up ya know. and come to find out a few months later is that she doesn’t want to have sex with YOU you dumb shit and she’s fucking everyone else she can fuck. get the hell out now before you spend too much time in a fucked relationship!! Save yourself man!!
    Steve

  142. Ukko says:

    As a woman I can say that lady is going to lose in this battle…If she is not having sex with you somebody else will…sooner or later…

  143. Lee says:

    WOW! You have got a lot of good responses and I second many of them. CHOREPLAY! Love it! We have 3 kids (5, 3, and 10 mos) and the same cycle has been repeated, each time. In the beginning (after healing) it is exhaustion, body image and hormones that leads to lack of sex. After the first few months, it may still be 1, or 2 or any combination of those 3. Sometimes healing takes longer, some babies are more needy sucking up everything (and MORE) than the mother has to offer physically and emotionally, some hormones suppress libido (response mentally and physically), some physical/emotinal/mental barriers may exist from body image. If you want sex WORSHIP that body that just grew, nourished and carried your baby (and perhaps continues to nourish by nursing).

    After my first, body image was huge for me. Also, it took longer than normal to heal from the tearing I had (more than 4 months). And, I didn’t know why, but due to lactation hormones, I had lots of vaginal dryness, so sex was really painful. Trust me. Your wife will NOT want to have sex if it’s painful.

    Also, sometimes women are just “touched out” physically. Mothers of babies and young children have someone constantly demanding something from them physically and emotionally, so when husband comes home needing support, sometimes she just can’t pull any more out for him. In fact, they are just hoping beyond all hope that hubby will be there to support them, so they can get a break! An understanding hug/snuggle can be momentous. Listening to her talk (b/c she might not get to speak to another adult who cares about her wants and needs ALL day). This is when DATE NIGHT or just COUPLE time is important, for that non-sexual intimate connection.

    Personally, this is how my body works. During pregnancy, I do not want sex. Nausea is awful, and for some reason the extra blood in the genital areas (instead of leading to horny sex and amazing orgasms) makes sex painful for me. And especially towards the end you’re tired and can’t move without feeling like a beached whale.

    After the baby is born, there is the recovery period. Probably by 8 weeks, I will allow us to attempt to have sex again, but I never get any enjoyment out of it, so there is not much in it for me (this makes it another chore)! KY jelly is ESSENTIAL b/c my body won’t make enough moisture without synthetic hormones (which I didn’t want to take again). Sometimes I will do it for my husband, but it only satisfies a physical need for him, and he doesn’t like it as much, b/c I can’t get into it. This phase lasts until 9 months for us, when I get my period back.

    When my body starts ovulating again, I am like an animal in heat, and my husband can’t possibly keep up with me and the mind-blowing sex. We’re talking Morning sex. Nooners (where I beg him to come home for lunch so I don’t have to masturbate) and evening sex at least 2x). This rabid lust goes on for at least a week, while I am fertile, about until my period arrives. Then it’s pretty much a week of nothing if I am feeling crampy and bloated and irritated. The 2 weeks between my period and ovulation are a slow recovery from Aunt Flo’s visit and build up to the fertile period of crazy horniness.

    So, I never thought I’d tell anyone about that (especially a man), but I guess I’m trying to enlighten you and others, that women’s hormones really are driving the car (libido). Women who are having problems physically should talk to their doctors about options! The Dr. may be able to help. After my second, I talked to my gynecologist and she gave me lidocaine to rub on my perineum to numb any painful sensations (where my stitches had healed), so my body could relax and get into the sex, and start to feel some pleasure. She also gave me premarin cream (estrogen) for the vaginal dryness, and therefore pain. Don’t be shy! Don’t suffer through painful sex and think your sex life is ruined and won’t ever recover!

    That is how I felt. I don’t know how my husband felt, but I”m sure he felt a lot like you Charlie, waiting for sex to come back. We women are waiting too, but like I said we have SO many demands on us, not just chores, but CONSTANTLY feeding, teaching, supporting, emotionally and physically our babies and young children, that most times, we don’t even have time to care for ourselves, let alone our husbands. I remember the early months of being happy I got a shower TWICE a week! We only have nap time to either clean, cook, shower or rest. It’s quite exhausting (that’s why choreplay helps!). We also may have some things going on physically with hormones suppressing libido that we honestly can’t control, and many not know if it’s a normal level or not (so that’s where a conversation with the Dr. may come in handy).

    I don’t know if any of this will be helpful, or it will have already been said, but just in case, there is my 2 cents.

  144. Diane U says:

    Try dancing. Take her out, dance her around the house, whatever. It makes for nice intimate touching and shared time and all that good stuff. Hold hands whenever you get the chance. Little kisses. Soon the hormones will level out and she will be chasing you down.

  145. ac says:

    In response to “Lee” –

    It isn’t really fair to say “this is how my body is – so if I dont’ feel like having sex..it’s just a chore..”

    What if your husband felt like “this is just how my brain works – so if I don’t feel like communicating, it’s just a chore..” There are other things you can do sexually to help him feel fulfilled. Even if you don’t want to take part, a lot of men are fine with masturbating while you watch…which (imo) is a lot more relational than them doing it completely alone.

    Likewise, you’re saying “couple time” and snuggle time, and listening to her talk is important – these things don’t come to a man as naturally as sex does. They have to *try* to do these things. These things are to women, what sex is to a man. So how would you feel if your husband just said “talking is just out right now – I’m too horny to communicate – sorry.” You’d be pissed. Just like men are aggravated that women say “you haven’t communicated with me enough, so I am not feeling like I can have sex with you – sorry!”

    No. Sex isn’t an act that can be sidelined, for men. Communicating isn’t an act that can be sidelined, for women. When men aren’t having sex, they communicate less. When women aren’t communicating, they will not want to have sex. So BOTH things need to be tended to very carefully.

    It isn’t fair for MEN to bare the burnt of the “sex issue” in a marriage. Which is what happens so much. However, it is also unfair for women – because while sex is the “hot topic” – most people don’t equate communication as equal to sex, for women – and it is.

    In my opinion, even when communication is going on – men lack a certain detail of how to communicate well with a woman. But that being said, I think a lot of men think that their woman should be more adventuresome during sex. So I think that men and women both need to commit to a lifetime of learning – in bed, and in words!

    • Deathgrip Johnny says:

      You’ve made some good points that I have not rationalized yet. After five years of no sex this issue has become a HUGE one for me. I’m sure some guys can make due with masturbating while she watches but after a few years she might start doing her nails or reading a book while she “watches” and it looses it’s luster. It can even start to feel cheap and debasing when you realize she REALLY isn’t interested. My wife started saying things like, “I’m too tired to watch, do you mind if I turn out the light and go to sleep now”? I purchased a vibrator for my wife and offered to explore it’s uses with her. She used it twice over a years period and it hasn’t seen use in years.

      I’ve visited a lot of forums on this issue and the pattern I see is that women usually only show up to tell men that it’s their fault and they need to “do more” to make it better. Sometimes more is never enough. My wife now makes jokes about married life being devoid of sex and thinks it’s funny. I never laugh, I don’t find anything funny about it. The only reason our marriage is devoid of sex is because SHE doesn’t want it. As I stated previously “Beware the golden carrot for it does not exist”.

      • Jamie says:

        Deathgrip Johnny, it is sad to say but too many women take advantage of a good man and they don’t really see what they have even though it’s right in front of them. I have had way too many crappy guys and so when I met my boyfriend I cherished him and he does the same for me. Even when I don’t really want sex and he does, I give him what we call “high school style” he does it quick to make him happy, and I am ok with that cause I know how frustrating it is for him and I am sympathetic to that. If it is really that bad with your wife, it sounds like she is just not attracted to you anymore and stays for the comfort and the kids. I’m not one for cheating but maybe you should get someone on the side or just leave her. I know that can be easier said than done, but I am a firm beleiver that no one should live their life miserable, you only have one life you should be with someone you love and more importantly someone who loves you. You’re not doing anyone any favors by not being the best you that you can be. Oh also I would never make my boyfriend masturbate while I watched, that is just wrong. If you have to do that, what the hell do you need her for?

        • Deathgrip Johnny says:

          Thanks for the kind words Jamie, sounds like your boyfriend is a lucky man.

          I stay the course because I love my wife and I love my daughter, I want to be a positive daily role model in my child’s life in a way my father never was. I’m a 45yr old stay at home dad, I gave up my career as a software developer five years ago, at the birth of my child, so that my wife could finish her law degree. Unfortunately I am feeling punished in every way imaginable for doing what I thought was the best decision for us as a family. I honestly can’t say how long I CAN endure this. Now I am feeling stuck, lonely, depressed, cheated and frustrated daily. I have never cheated on a woman in my life but I can say that one day it may become a reality.

          • Jamie says:

            I can definetly relate, I am a stay at home mom, maybe when your daughter starts school you should go back to work. Maybe your wife has lost respect for you as a man because you stay home. I am not saying that, that is right but onfortunately it happens. I wish you the best of luck and I hope things get better soon.

          • Deathgrip Johnny says:

            We have had that conversation. She does not admit to losing respect but she admits that “it may be an unconscious or biological factor”. When my daughter is in kindergarten I will be able to find part time work which I will do.

            This would be a sad thing indeed to lose respect for someone who sacrificed their own career for yours and who cares for her and raises a child she wanted most of all – I was ambivalent about children. If I were to find this true our relationship probably will not continue beyond that point. I can honestly say that my experiences in life as a somewhat “liberated man” (using the term loosely) have been less than savory. Women don’t rise to the occasion and do “what’s right” any more than men do/have done throughout history. As a matter of fact the three “feminist” girlfriends I’ve had in my dating past were worse pigs than any man I’ve ever known, hahaha.

  146. Deathgrip Johnny says:

    A months hard snuggle boner IS A HORRIBLE THING! BEWARE OF THE GOLDEN CARROT! It does NOT EXIST!

  147. ac says:

    I think you should let her read all the replies. It isn’t an uncommon problem – but it IS a problem.

    I can’t imagine “years” of watching my husband masturbate. I mean, once every few months is okay (in my house). Even once a month if it came down to it. I wasn’t thinking like three or four times a week, every week!

    I agree – many women DO say it’s the man’s problem – totally unfair. But I think a lot of women don’t know how to let go. They also really don’t understand the depth of the problem, truly – which is a giant part of the problem.

    Being “too tired to watch” is just as bad as being perpetually too tired to actually do it. It’s the same issue. Totally unfair.

    Counseling? Yes, please!

    • Deathgrip Johnny says:

      I wasn’t really talking about 3-4x per week either, hehehehe. I only asked to do it in front of her after about 2-3 weeks of no sex so it was more like 1-2x per month for about three years. The rest of the time I was flying solo. For the first year she was really into it and we kissed while I did it, sometimes she would masturbate but not want intercourse (sounds really odd when I type that). Regardless, after three years of doing that and eventually getting the cold shoulder regularly it begins to feel a bit humiliating. At first I thought it was me so I worked out – lost 15 pounds of padding to be lean again, did more busy work around the house, man-scaped etc… but it never got better. I rubbed her feet regularly, we talked about her day, watched movies at home together and had a few drinks on the weekend – we still do all of this. Nothing worked! I’ve gotten to the point now where I say “I rub your feet if you rub my -insert favorite pet name here- needless to say she doesn’t get her feet rubbed any more. I would ask her to read this but she is extremely private about this kind of thing and takes great offense to “airing private affairs publicly”. When I have discussed using forums in the past she has become livid and then my life becomes more miserable, it is a touchy situation to say the least. The only lead I have to go on is the fact that the only time I DO get sex (1x 2-3months) is sometime during the week she is menstruating so it is only during this time. It used to be once per month like clockwork, I knew that I had to wait for that 3-5 day period. This leads me to believe she is deathly afraid of having another child but then her other behaviors don’t add up to that cause alone. One day she said to me “I’m not a sexy person, I never have been and I don’t want to be. Sex has never been a focus in my life and it never will.” Counseling would be great if I can get her to admit that she has a “problem”. She thinks it all boils down to her “preference” driven by her lack of desire. Sometimes I think she’s a bit crazy but I couch that thought because the label isn’t productive as it becomes more of a criticism. Unfortunately she is in school and I am underemployed at the moment. Therapy is not an option and neither are medical bills. I will be in hell for a couple more years until we can afford medical for testing. At that point I WILL push a LOT harder. If she still resists then the relationship will probably end as we know it. Anyway, I’m starting to use this forum as a personal air of grievances which isn’t what I set out to do. I guess I just wanted to chime in and tell charlie and any other man reading that sometimes “Shit happens and life can suck this bad for a LONG TIME and here is why” kind of thing. I don’t know, I’m a pretty intense person and I don’t always properly relay the message I intend to convey. I just hope everyone’s written experiences here can be used as another tool for others to find a constructive way of coping.

  148. Lee says:

    I said, this is how my body works, and spoke of cycles of more, less and sometimes limited-to-no sex (within pregnancy and recovery from childbirth, say the baby’s first year). I am speaking of ME. Personally. But, there are probably other women out there who are similar.

    ac, I am not immune to my husband’s needs. I have NEVER sat and watched him masturbate. I have offered (and performed) oral sex and hand jobs, but this is rare. Usually we just have sex, even though I may not be into it, I try. To do anything sexual when there is no pleasure present is like doing another chore. THAT’S what I’m saying. I never said I don’t have sex with him.

    BTW, I don’t think a man could ever understand sex being a chore b/c they ALWAYS finish. They ALWAYS get something out of it, even if it’s not great sex, they will ALWAYS feel pleasure from it.

    At times when my libido is hormonally suppressed (during pregnancy and the 9 months following), it is WORK for us both to try to get my body to respond. I am very easily distracted and cannot get “in the zone” (no amount of foreplay seems to help) so, sex is not enjoyable for me at all (I admit feel like a prostitute letting him do the deed at those times, but I don’t get resentful about it). I am betting it isn’t as enjoyable for him, overall (not just physically), because I don’t stroke his ego and fake anything. He knows the difference between good sex and pity sex.

    When the hormone switch get’s flipped, there is no problem in the sex department, just like there wasn’t BC (before children). In fact, sometimes he can’t keep up with me, which was also true, pre-babies. I’m trying to give hope to Charlie and other men that the wild gorilla sex will come back again! Or at least it has for us (3x), we just have to work through the slow times and keep at our relationship.

    Deathgrip Johnny, I don’t know what’s going on with you and your wife, but YEARS of NO sex, is not what Charlie (the article writer) was talking about here. He was talking about getting back into the groove with his wife after they had a baby. I was offering suggestions related to that.

    For some reason you are quick to jump onto suggestions I wrote for Charlie in his situation. I would write something different if I were writing to Charlie’s WIFE, but I’m not.

    For my own explanation, I thought I put some of the blame on myself as a woman, and not all on my husband as a man. There are some situations where men can do something to help, and some situations where they can’t.

    The same goes for women. There ARE things I do to try to keep our sex life alive, even when hormones are keeping it down, or exhaustion, etc. I’m no where near an ice queen.

    After my husband’s 2nd deployment, which was 15 months long, and during which I was pregnant with and gave birth to our daughter (2nd child), which he was unable to be present for, we had a hard time integrating. We fought a LOT over everything and we were not loving to each other. It was hard for me to swallow my pride, but one day I made a commitment to love my husband no matter what. To LOVE him, not change him. And it was HARD! It is still hard sometimes, but I do it for us and it has gotten a lot easier.

    He needs physical touch and affection, and so I try not to withhold that from him. I choose not to be a petty person. I choose not to hold grudges. I have never and will never withhold sexual favors or reward sexual favors based on behavior. And, I also have made a commitment to our sex life, b/c that is very important to marriage, one of the rewards of marriage. I charged myself to be open to my husband and his needs. I haven’t been able to say yes every single time, but 8-9 times out of ten.

    And so far we have had good results from my choice to LOVE my husband. His attitude toward me/us has definitely changed for the better. I refuse to let us grow apart and become apathetic. I tend to our love like a plant, not let it wither on the windowsill. I remind myself that we are on the same team and are meant to be supporting one another and loving one another, not tearing the other person down. My husband has to do his part to support our relationship as well, and over the years since I implemented these changes, I think he has tried to rise to the challenge and continues to do so.

    Loving someone means putting their needs before your own, like mothers do with their children. It is harder to do with my husband. I’m not perfect but I work towards a goal, and keep trying.

    • Deathgrip Johnny says:

      “For some reason you are quick to jump onto suggestions I wrote for Charlie in his situation. I would write something different if I were writing to Charlie’s WIFE, but I’m not.”

      Hmmm, not really jumping onto anything you said, like, at all, quickly or otherwise… really? I’m not sure where you are coming from with that statement. You might want to take a few breaths or meditate or something. You’re right though, this article is all about Charlie and I suppose I forgot that at some point and began internalizing. It’s hard to not take this sort of thing personal when emotions get involved which I’m sure you can relate to. I’ve said my part, I’ll leave now so that you can help Charlie get his groove back, hahaha.

    • Deathgrip Johnny says:

      “BTW, I don’t think a man could ever understand sex being a chore b/c they ALWAYS finish. They ALWAYS get something out of it, even if it’s not great sex, they will ALWAYS feel pleasure from it.”

      I take it back, I will jump on this statement. I once had a girlfriend who required nearly half an hour of constant stimulation to her clitoris to achieve orgasm. Every time we had sex I made sure she got hers first. THAT WAS A CHORE! Big assumption on your part.

  149. ac says:

    “BTW, I don’t think a man could ever understand sex being a chore b/c they ALWAYS finish. They ALWAYS get something out of it, even if it’s not great sex, they will ALWAYS feel pleasure from it.”

    They can understand sex being a chore, from the viewpoint that to them, communicating can be a chore. Just like there are times that we sort of go through the motions because we aren’t into it – sometimes they go through the motions in giving us women what we crave – being talked to, communicated with, etc. Just because a man always feels pleasure from sex doesn’t mean that it is really fulfilling.

    Just like I always like to talk to my husband, and I want more and more – I can tell when his mind is wandering or he is just placating me just because he knows I’ll be upset if he doesn’t… it doesn’t mean I don’t get pleasure from the conversation – but at the same time, I don’t get out of it what I would if he were truly present in it. Same thing goes for sex. He may get pleasure out of it – the release that comes from completion – but what he really wants is for his woman to be completely into it and satisfied by the experience with him. So it may not be a horrible experience for him, but it is lacking.

    • Deathgrip Johnny says:

      You’ve elucidated more in a few paragraphs than I have been able to in a few years of trying to figure this out. You write like an emotionally mature and intelligent person, your insight is appreciated, thank you.

    • Lee says:

      ac, I totally agree with you.

      I do appreciate the insightful way you were able to explain the difference between experiencing pleasure and experiencing pleasure AND fulfillment in the act. There are times when intimacy is going through the motions, and times when it’s really taken to heart. Both parties have to give something of themselves, which is the way it was meant to be. The lesson is, not to let things go stagnant.

      I am sorry for couples in a lopsided relationship, and Deathgrip Johnny, b/c of painful experiences like yours, I will try to remember to do my share and not let things slide. I don’t want that for my marriage, so I have been and will continue to work to avoid a lack of intimacy (physical or emotional)

  150. bizzlebox says:

    Buy her Outlander. In fact, read it yourself too. I’m telling you, it’s the CURE!
    http://www.dianagabaldon.com/writing/the-outlander/

  151. Lee says:

    LOVE that book! It’s one of my all time favorites, and I’ve read thousands of books!

  152. Kathy says:

    What happens when it’s the other way around? My partner won’t have sexx with me??? and It’s all I can think of since our baby girl was born 6 months ago.

  153. Daniel says:

    Just stop farting, and all will be well in the world again, and slightly better fragranced. Seriously, you don’t have to thank me.

  154. Update: Ok, the an-aprodisiacs did not work. They work great for about 1 week or two at best. They make you feel slightly depressed, although more focused (might be great for college kids on final exams). I decided to go the other route and just take aphrodisiacs and give up the fight. Turns out i had so much energy and fun with sports and work that the sex became as important as wiping my butt, which is very important – just not something i focus on or get exited about.

    The true secret, and the secret to life – i would undoubtedly say, is to be happy for the bad as well as the good! It’s crazy talk. It’s the hardest thing / mind-change i’ve ever had to do. But it’s the BEST and ONLY thing that really seems to work. Once i was thankful for the bad circumstance then the importance of the circumstance just disappeared. I don’t know if there’s any way to get into this habit without reading books on it, but so far the only books i’ve found (got them free at local library donation bin) have been old ones from Merlin R. Carothers. He’s on Amazon and i think he might still be writing / alive. His website is http://www.foundationofpraise.org. For those of you who are Christian haterz you might see if there are secular authors that write in the same manor. But since eternal life is so important, it’s not always bad to have our spiritual quadrant tested / strengthened by other faiths, ideas, denominations too. People who hate others really have no security in their own beliefs.

    I realize it seems way too easy and good to be true, but all i can say is “OH YEAH, well…THANKS!”. And then Thanks some more! Try sincerely thanking your wife for not putting out. Find the honest love in doing so because it gives you more time to focus on other things and grow. And don’t let anyone ever tell you “be a man”. That’s total horseship. We don’t become a man at puberty, getting a job, joining the military, getting married, having kids, being responsible, or any other so called “you’re a man now” milestone. The ONLY men on this planet are boys when they are dead. “Men” are all just big boys who just want boobies and toys till the day we die! Go buy a jetski or join martial arts / go to Hollywood and the girls will flock to you. If they don’t, be thankful for it too! Toys are almost as cool as boobies and we have a lot of cool ones now! Besides, if you’re really miserable you can skydive or ice climb until you die and experience a side of life that no other boys ever will. Adrenaline will always be the ultimate aphrodisiac.

    Go check out http://www.christianmarriage.com too. It made me laugh myself silly! It’s a website on polygamy, which is a hard road i i never want to go down (even though many, many “men” do by repeating the cycle of marriage and divorce – thus becoming serial polygamists) But it really makes you think about how life isn’t about focusing on our needs so much as a balance of harmony only achieved by loving others first….and more importantly…always being Thankful! :-)

  155. Rafael says:

    I feel you dude! and not in a weird way… its been a while since you posted this but I feel you now.

  156. chris says:

    i am a mom a wife we have 3 kids. our sex life is wonderful. were a very busy family as im sure you can immagine but the important thing is that husband does little things to help me out. he does the baths once in a while, lets me out of the house alone when i need it (or he thinks i do) helps with dinner and cleaning up and does a omg wonderful ground work. he can spend over an hour getting me relaxed and sometimes just does me without ever expecting me to do anything. bottom line make sure your woman gets some (me time) to get her nails done or whatever just to make her feel like a woman again while you take over the dutys of the baby. when she comes back she will feel refreshed and relaxed and sexy again. then in the bed room pay attention to just her for a while then when she is ready she will do just you as a reward for being such a wonderful husband! hope this helps.

  157. Josh says:

    Two words player: Palmela Handerson. She’s your best friend along with Pornhub.com.

  158. Ami says:

    So what if sex was never a priority in your relationship. My husband and I had the initial chitty chitty bang bang when we first met. But , we knew early on that we would get married very early on like week 2 so we mutually decided to be celibate until we got married 1 1/2 later. Even after we got married we were clawing at each other like simba and nala yet somehow I got pregnant and now some months later I am so busy working full-time and takeing care of the little one and seeing him whenever his schedule has him at home that sex (omg I said the word) is not important. I don’t crave it anymore and could care less if its been hours, days, weeks a month. I just want some sleep and a break two minutes to myself. I know the bible says you have not because you ask not but I have lost that lovin feeling.

  159. James says:

    I quizzed the Mrs on this, and she gave a few poignant answers: we’re always too tired, we don’t want to wake the baby, and here’s the kicker – in her mind sex leads to babies and that’s what’s making us tired and not doing it – and the initial painful birth bit.

  160. Nina says:

    OK. She is nursing right? She is probably having enough orgasms every day to keep her chill and calm. Most women have orgasms when they nurse and they never talk about it. Even if they don’t, the oxytocin that is stimulated is enough to make her not interested in sex.
    Most men don’t “tune-in” to a woman anyway, so we lower our standards after we have the kids. No worries, she will be a horny wild woman when she is in her forties. Just make sure you learn The Care and Feeding of a Woman in Her Forties!!!

  161. Just another frustrated guy says:

    Well, I’ve taken the time to read every comment on this blog, and honestly, I feel it has left me with even less hope.. There are a lot of similarities in the comments as far as the women’s view on the matter, and that of the men, though only few speak in the frustration and hopelessness that I feel. Our son is a month shy of two years old now, my wife is a stay at home mom, though I give her two days every week to do whatever she wants while I spend time with our boy. I give her anything and everything that she wants, and wholeheartedly feel that it is absolutely never enough. I work long hours through the week, though my shop is on the same property as our house, so even while working and keeping track of my employees, I am constantly in and out to help with whatever she needs. I keep the house picked up, do my own laundry, about 70% of the dishes an all other house work, and yard maintenance after 12 hour work days. I frequently get up early to feed and bathe our boy so she can sleep in until I go to work just to try and make her life easier. I love my son more than any other person or thing in the world, which is funny to me, because in all honesty, I never did want to have children, but she wanted a child so badly, that I could never turn her down on it. We were together for two years, and married for one year before the pregnancy, and our sex life was always amazing, even through the pregnancy up until the day before he was born.. We waited about four months before getting back into sexual intimacy for her body to heal and for her to not be so physically drained, though we split up the feedings 50/50 so that she could get her well needed rest. As a guy, like many others agree, sex has always been important to me, and something that I would speculate as an important part of a healthy relationship. Within the last year, the frequency went from daily, to weekly, to I don’t even know when the last time that we had sex was. She says she is tired, and it’s understandable, but the truth of it is, more time is spent on Facebook and instagram and phone calls to girlfriends or family, than anything else she does during the day, as I’m asked or expected to take care of pretty much anything that requires leaving the couch for more than a few minutes. I have tried so many different things to bring the lust back to our relationship, trying to find a middle ground between who we were, and who we’ve become, but I’m exhausted and lately I feel that I resent her more than anything. She gets upset because I don’t have much to say these days, mostly keeping to myself and our son, but after all the failed attempts, and all the planned attempts for anything physical that always back fire, I just don’t know what to do anymore. I feel like one person that posted shortly above, if I could take something to absolutely kill my libido, there would be no hesitation. It’s getting to the point where the thought of sex or any attempt, makes my stomach turn and brings back feelings from the months of self doubt and other emotional and physical pain that I’ve felt in dealing with this. I will not leave her, and will never look for anyone else to fill these desires, as I am still madly in love with her, and the future of my son and his well being to me wil always take priority over myself. She says that she is still attracted to me, and still wants the nightly snuggle and hugs throughout the day, but I’m totally at a loss here. Does anyone have any thoughts or advice on what could be going on? It’s getting to the point where I snuggle up to her until she falls asleep, and then I head back to the shop just to work away the negativity. My health is fading, and our relationship is fading I’m sure do to my being so disconnected over the last couple months, but I feel like nothing more than a walking paycheck and a maid and babysitter, while she has a LOT of freedom and self time. I’ve got her flowers from the beginning regularly, had professional deep tissue massages for her, and who knows how much free time shopping for clothes and whatever else I feel could make her happy. I’ve bent over backwards for her, passed a lot of great opportunities so that I can stay close to home for her and him, and have always been full of compliments and the “no strings affection” that many have mentioned. I’ve never yelled at her, cussed, been disrespectful, or anything else that could drive her away. I’m heartbroken here, as I feel like the pieces of the puzzle are all falling away and there’s nothing I can do.. Sorry this is so long, I hope somebody takes the time to read it, I just had to get it out there and off my chest, as talking about it to her as achieved nothing other than her saying she’s tired, or has a headache etc..

    • sexless in London says:

      Amen!

      Just waiting until the child is old enough and then moving on!

      That kind of lifestyle breads resentment over time that is very unhealthy, despite all the love.

    • A.N. says:

      If all that you say is true, perhaps she is thinking having a child was not what she thought it would be. Not that she doesn’t love her son with everything she is, but it’s not the fun, carefree life it seems. You look at everyone else and they are doing so well, or seem to be. Postpartum Depression is not just extreme cases. It can go into different aspects of life, and can be somewhat mild. Maybe she is nervous to have another child. I know I was. After the birth of our first son I didn’t want my husband to touch me. We were not trying for a baby and I was on birth control, so I was scared nothing would stop me from being pregnant again. It took some time for me to get over that, but I did go and talk to my doctor about how I was feeling. I felt like there was no one I could talk to about how I felt because it would make me seem like I didn’t love my child, or didn’t want him, which was so far from the truth. I know it may seem like she has everything, but maybe she is not happy. I completely resented my husband, even though I love him and didn’t want to be with anyone else. I’m not quite sure why. It was all things I needed to talk out with someone. Someone who was not my husband, but who didn’t look at me like I was a bad mother. I did have to go back to work when my baby was 2 months old and there was a lot of guilt about that, but it had nothing to do with my relationship with my husband. My point, maybe talk to her about how she is feeling (although I’m sure you have), but keep trying. If that doesn’t work maybe mention having her go to the doctor. If untreated the depression could go as long as you say. It is important for her to get help because she seems sad to me.

  162. Wow! Really love this post. Love Avara and what a great sport she is. Read some of the comments but can’t read all right now – just wanted to say that I understand. This happens. With almost every woman with children that I’ve spoken to. Our bodies change – we’re fatter, we have stretch marks, we’re tired and we have a baby or toddler touching us and needing things from us constantly. It can be hard to feel sexy or to want to do anything in a bed other than sleep in it when there’s the opportunity.

    But there’s also a lot of… drama over it. I don’t know a single man who isn’t happier if his wife will have sex with him, whether she really feels like it or not. I have one friend who, after her first kid and going through this with her hubby for a year, decided that she would just never say no unless it was an emergency. She decided to throw her own drama out the window – she was the one who changed, not him. So she let him know what would be helpful to her to get her WANTING to – but he’s not always great about it. For her, putting out keeps him happy, which keeps her happy. I just thought it was interesting. Not how I felt about it at the time, but when I have another… I’ll definitely be keeping that in mind. :)

  163. Kady says:

    Hey I might not be in the same position as most everyone on here but am just here to say that This.Happens.To.Most.Couples. It doesn’t affect only parents. I’m married for 3 years now(yes I know its short compared to everyone else’s) and we’ve been together for 6. The minute we got married it was fun for about a year; we fought, had make up sex and generally spent most of our time together.He became my bestfriend during that 3rd year together and after our first wedding anniversary.

    BUT as the days went by, I think as women we become (a) nesters, when the relationship feels safe. We feel like we live with our bestfriends and we respond that way. It’s just nature. I felt this huge urge to become a mother(something I never wanted before, neither was marriage) and everything circulated around that urge. I only wanted to have sex if I knew we would get pregnant and my husband hated that.

    See for most women I know who’ve ever had that honest convo with each other, we know that sex isn’t as important to us AT all. We love feeling close to our partners which is the only reason why we have sex as frequently as we do with you in the first place. Now I wont deny that we like the feelings of stimulation and orgasms, but it doesn’t rule our idea of what makes us a couple.
    So once kids come along everything Zeros in on being a good mother. The bond we share with our kids might not be as strong as the bond we share with our spouses (please dont kill the messenger).
    The only thing that might help that relationship is to spend maybe a few weeks to a month away from work, family friends, facebook and everyday life to find that bond again, if you cant get away successively then try every weekend after another alone. Hang out together, talk openly about the rift and actively try to do something about it without the idea that it will be fixed in one getaway.
    And I’ll close with the line that as women we get bored like men do. We want the romance(and I mean Hot romance and not the one where you ponder to our wishes all the time but more of that vibe you had when we first met).
    And honestly, what is lost sometimes will never come back if ever, at all.
    The relationship changes through phases; lust, love, cohabitation/ marriage, kids/no kids, age. No one has the answers, but you can still try.

  164. Jeff says:

    So what you are going thru is what i tell my son…. typical married life. So I tell him don’t get married, don’t have children and you would be better off being gay. Women suck in you in, just like a used car! They will stand on their head having sex with you and as soon as you put that ring on…. bam you are at the mercy or I’m tired, I’m fat, I don’t like doing that anymore. Really, so try this.. do everything, don’t whine about not getting any so you don’t look like a pussy. Make dinner, take the kids to school, do the dishes, clean up so basicaly all she has to do is come home and spread her legs. She will find another excuse so you will have to go back to school to be and OBGYN so you can hold a fucking argument. Legalize whore houses and see how many women find guys with 6 figure salaries to marry… None they will back in the fucking stone ages where they belong. Science can prove that they are nothing but a baby basket and the DNA is traceable back to the father only. Whore, just pay them, fuck them and leave them because they are all lyers. Your wife is holding out on you. Get a girl friend and get laid… Divorce in 18 years you will be set

  165. WhamBamThanksSam says:

    Jeff,
    You’ve got the right answers! …but maybe not all the right solutions. Men lost the war of the sexes because there’s too much competition today. If there were 5 women for every man (like in Russia) it would be different here. However, men’s true self neutering came when we gave women the right to vote (so they all vote bleeding heart Demoncrat and wreck all men’s business progression or authority), we made them get jobs so we could have nicer homes and cars (legal prostitution at it’s finest and NOT near as much love there as we have for our boats and cars), we made them sacrifice their children / terminate their pregnancies so we could “get them on a good career track” (yet…Jennifer Aniston looses, baby maker Jolie wins!), and then we bitch about how empowered women are and that they don’t put out after marriage. Well how about we change that! I think the toughest course would to become a polygamist (which i’m not yet) – if you are tough enough and treat women with respect and dignity, while letting them know they will be better off by being submissive (no, i’m not talking about women being brain-dead welfare collecting baby factory Mormon type submissive either), instead of typical American power hunger beotches. All my friends who married foreign girls are still married. Those who married American girls, that weren’t raised on a farm or ranch (cute smart girls like that get snapped up at age 18), have been divorced many times over. I’ve seen many men who cheat, but they are cowards living in fear of women and refuse to come out about having more than one girlfriend or wife. I don’t blame women for the state of men’s lack of sex anymore. My wife of 16 years is from Russia (i’m an former Marine and couldn’t tolerate American power struggles), but even she gets tired from taking care of the kids and looses interest in sex. I realize some of it is my fault for not being financially successful enough. At some point you have to realize that you can’t have it all. I prefer kids (3 awesome boys) to a perfect sex life like we used to have. But i do think toys, herbs, helping with chores, polygamy, porn, vacations, and any other options are valid research topics in surviving marriage! I realize now that no one has an easy marriage, and never has had one. Won’t happen until humans are in Heaven again and living a lot more like animals, and lot less like insane robots. Just had to comment because Jeff is on the right track – “don’t worry, screw happy” (…the clown, or whatever her name is). Life’s too short for suffering. Take the positive approach (and i would add pray a lot) and if you do it something in love, it will be the right thing to do. No one can ever make the right decision or advice for you, except you, because there’s only one you. But yeah, it’s pretty common knowledge that men have it worse than ever and women have it better than ever. Strange that it can’t be the best of times for both, but we already know who’s going to win the next election, so it’s only going to get WAY worse for men my friend. Unless you’re gay (in both terms of the word), of course. Women are gods, we just need to start treating them like it more often and we might get more from them. Notice i said “might”. ;-)

  166. trying "hard" says:

    I have read probably half the comments, and as wife/mother about 15 months out from her first baby, and still really in love with her spouse who is good at helping (makes dinner, cleans it up at night), but also works full time, therefore we suffer the same exhaustion issues as others, the only practical advice I’d offer is basically what Cupcake said. “I would add that I’ve found that the energy to have sex seems to generate itself once you start.” Even the part where she said it “reminded my body that touching felt good”. Our priest honestly told us during our pre-marital counseling, “oh and by the way, NEVER stop having sex” like it was a rule or something. Because I care about our marriage, I’ve really just made it a rule and tried to follow it. Sometimes when I’m super exhausted I just get in bed naked and cuddle up to my hubby and just the hugs, snuggles etc remind me how good it is and things just go from there :) Putting yourself in that space and just letting happen is an effort that it would be nice for the women to give. What’s funny? I feel like the rest I get after sex, even if there’s 30 minutes less of it, might be sounder since I’m physically tired and in a good way-sometimes it calms my mind for better rest :) That being said, I’m laying down naked exhausted but not bitter over what my husband didn’t help me with during the evening—that might make it “harder” tee hee

  167. Anon says:

    I am pregnant with my 1st and the pregnancy happened pretty early in the relationship, oops-but a great oops! So while pregnant, we are also getting to know each other better. Sex has never been that important to me. I will say, sex since I’ve been pregnant, I’m 22wks, has been the best I’ve ever had. I guess, because of pregnancy, I feel incredibly sexy. I don’t worry about, “do I look fat?”. I have been able to completely let go & it’s a wonderful feeling! I’ve never felt as sexy and appreciated in bed as I do now. Part is because of pregnancy and part because of partner. I absolutely love sex right now. As I progress, that may change, but I hope not too much. I know when my son gets here, things will change some but I hope not for too long. I think men and women need to change their mindset. Men need to be more understanding, helpful and supportive. Women need to try to understand how their partners are feeling and need to try harder. I don’t mean they need to force themselves to have sex but they need to try to fulfill their partner’s needs sometimes and make them feel special and supported. Men are a lot more sensitive than we realize! And when we continue to turn them down, it affects their self esteem. When they continue to get turned down time and time again, many times they do turn to someone else, just to feel special for an hour. I know escorts and that is a lot of their business. Most of the married men aren’t just their to f***. They want to feel special and appreciated after years of being turned down. Some really do want to just talk and talk about how much they love their wives, they just don’t feel special anymore. They don’t want an emotional relationship with someone else, just somewhere they can talk, feel special and get their release.
    I, in no way, am saying you will do this. This was written about a year ago. I hope you and your wife have straightened this out. Time helps. Men and women need to have open communication and try harder to make the other person feel appreciated. I know when I have my son, sex will be the last thing on my mind for awhile. But I will also make a point to make him feel appreciated one way or the other!

  168. JustADaughter says:

    Hey Charlie! I wanted to thank you for this post, for it is just one more proof to the fact that a husband can really be so madly in love with her wife… I don’t know why, maybe for all the irony about men being only interested in sex that I read all over the internet, but I’ve always found it rather difficult to believe. Thank you for proving me wrong.
    This said, I also wanted to say that I hope that this problem is over. You posted this an year ago, I really hope things have changed between you, really. And since you love her so much, I’m pretty sure you’ve conquered her again by now :)

    Ah, and I also wanted to add that I’m pretty sure you are and will be a wonderful father. Keep being so awesome :)

  169. bgap says:

    Enjoyed reading this. For us, it wasn’t having kids that ended sex, but business failure, bankruptcy and foreclosure. It’s been over a year now, and I’m ready to face the truth that it may be gone for good. I mourn the loss of that beautiful part of my life, but do my best to not focus on sexual needs, as I’m now a celibate, but loving husband and father.

  170. MayasMomma says:

    OMG WOMEN WHY ARE YOU DOING THIS TO YOUR MEN!!! Yikes. Let him know what you need and hold him to it but for goodness sake do not withold sex unless there is a darn good reason (illness).

    Sex for men is what cuddling is for us. Could you go without cuddling? NO! Being rejected sexually really hurts, ladies.

    I would never do that to my man. Two kids later…I work from home 40 hours, housework like a mofo. It’s hard.

    Shower. Put on makeup. Wear something cute. Brush your hair. Whatever it takes to make you feel pretty.

    This post is really sad.

  171. No sex for years says:

    My wife has denied me sex for years. She wants to be held and cared for, she wants me to provide and work around the house. She wants and she gets but do I get anything hell no. I became really ill for a while and was bed ridden most of the time. I wold make it through a day working because I wanted to provide for my family but when I got home I was in bed suffering from tremendous pain. Most weekends I was suffering from migraines due to the pain meds. A week of pain medication to make it through the day and a weekend of migraines and throwing up because I had to detox. And what did my wife do. Did she try to comfort me? Hell no she was mad because I was sick. Turns out I had cancer and when the doctors finally began to treat me she decided I must really be ill. Well my health improved but do you think my wife would spend time with me. Only if I was rubbing her back but no sex no love no nothing. So far it’s been a couple years with no sex. She knows I won’t cheat on her but if not for my children I would leave her. I did not get married just to be celibate.

  172. Roz says:

    All that crap about not wanting to hurt the baby..sorry but that is an excuse. Your partner didn’t live up to your fantasy woman while she was pregnant. Obviously looks are everything to you. So why would you expect her to say “how high” when you ask her to jump in the bedroom..when she’s busy looking after the baby she needs tenderness and caring. Not photos of your torso. You show a very poor understanding of women

    • charlie says:

      AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA. Sorry, I don’t mean to be mean… AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA. You should read the other comments EXACTLY like yours before you go and post something like this. I’ve already responded to your style of commentary. Troll on!

      • I don’t know what’s Roz’s problem. I just took one look at that picture and now I’m pregnant.

        Then again, I, too, have a very poor understanding of women.

  173. I didn’t read all your posts above because it goes on for like, a week and a half but I read some of the chick parts to my husband. Specifically the part about how “Pregnant women don’t glow. They radiate, like stellar objects.” and he said “It’s true. I never looked at pregnant women that way until you got pregnant. Now I check them out like I did the older college girls when I was a senior in HS.” We have a two year old and our story is similar to you and your wife’s. When my husband said that bit about pregnant women, first I wanted to tear up like I was on Oprah and then I wanted to jump his bones. Your wife sounds awesome and I bet you guys will be back on the bang-wagon as soon as she’s not so exhausted and as long as you keep saying cute stuff about pregnant ladies.

  174. Laura says:

    If Charlie had a poor understanding of women, he wouldn’t have even bothered writing a post like this or responding to the many comments. He obviously has an emotional side, which is really something. My husband and I do pretty darn well when it comes to fitting in sex while caring for a very demanding infant, but my husband is never as emotionally vulnerable as Charlie makes himself. It would only make things that much better. So I say kudos, Charlie. I bet things have already improved for you because you are open to advice.

  175. victoria says:

    Sounds like something got lost along the way. she needs to feel special. pamper her.go home make her a bubble bath.rub her feet. give her a massageg. give her a loving hug, tell her how much you love her.put music on and dance with her and make her smile.do a few of these things a few times a week.believe me you will end up giving her butterflies in her stomach. and she will also want to please you. that kind of loving will bring the woman out that you want.during the day if your off somewhere send her a text, say i love you. make a date night for just you too atleast once a month.woman need to feel special and wanted. hope all works out good for you

  176. Nikki Sixx says:

    This is the dirtiest trick played by most women ever and you simply can’t put up with. Women change the rules after the game is started, and all I see are excuses as to what the MAN can do to get sex from his wife. Do this, more of this, more more more more…….no. You men don’t have to be held hostage by your wife. Play her game, give her more of everything – and when she still refuses, you need to make some decisions for yourself. Is it fair that your wife expects you to be faithful, then absolutely withholds the one thing that she should and could provide? Do your due diligence, and when she still says no, dump that bitch, learn from your first mistake, and go out and do it your way. It’s all you can do. Believe me, when you serve her with divorce papers while a hot slut is attached to you, she’ll finally get the message.

  177. Katie says:

    Wow-ow-ow… Heaven forbid you should take your wife’s feelings into account. Definitely ditch the mother of your child (ren) for a “hot slut” because you’re not willing to work it out. Have you considered that a shitty attitude isn’t sexy? I recommend not being a douche.

  178. Katie says:

    No, sir! You’re wonderful. I’m on my phone so it must not have replied right to Nikki Sixx. Not you! Your wife is lucky to have you, and it’s lovely how caring you are of her. It co mes through in every post. My bad for the”reply” malfunction.

  179. robert says:

    K so what why is my wife still nt giving it up I’ve done all that’s been addressed and still nothing I get it once a month and that’s only cause I beg for it but yet if a female is anywhere in my field of vision she gets mad at me so what’s really going on? Our son is 4 and this has been going on for far to long anyone have some advise

  180. Well, I am now too exhausted from reading all the comments on this post to go have sex with my husband. Thanks so much!

    No seriously, bravo for speaking up on a touchy subject for many married couples. If more people talked openly about it, there would be less problems surrounding the topic.

    I would like to add a different perspective than most of the other women who commented. My marriage is the other way around. I know, GASP, a man who turns down sex with his wife!?!? It is true. They do exist. I live with one.

    Don’t get me wrong, we love each other very much and do have great sex on an occasional basis, but not nearly as often as I would like (everyday. kidding. not really). On average probably once ever 6-8 weeks…and not for a lack of MY trying. I am the one who’s advances get dismissed…

    To his credit, he has a high stressed job and we do have a toddler. Though we did have a bit of this issue prior to baby. It was better for a while after she was born, but then slowed back down again. What seems to help is some quite time alone, some short getaways sans-kiddo, and occasionally alcohol. Another big one is getting to bed early…and not going to sleep when we get there!

    I realize it has been a while since you wrote this, Charlie, but if you have discovered any additional fool proof methods, please hook a sister up.

    Thanks, and good luck buddy.

  181. anonWife says:

    I’m a wife & mommy of 3. (Newest baby is 2.5mo) My hubby and I get together about 3 times a week, probably would more but for his crazy work schedule. Seems like I’m always either preggo or nursing and that doesn’t stop us. :p Keep telling your wife how beautiful she looks ALL the time. Hug on her all day. Kiss her every time you walk out the door. (even if it’s just on your way out to empty the trash) Give her some $$ and tell her to treat herself to some cute lingere. I bet she’d like shopping for that.

  182. George says:

    You need to discuss how this situation is affecting you asap. Don’t do what I did. After our 2nd child, my wife had trouble sleeping so we agreed she would sleep in the spare room. WRONG! I thought it would be for a few weeks and it lasted 15 YEARS. We had sex once every 12 – 18 MONTHS (due to my begging) even though I regularly suggested it. She was always tired and I didnt have the heart to push her. I had alll sorts of thoughts during that time; that she was seeing someone else, that she thought I was a turnoff etc. I even thought I should leave her, and thought about suicide a few times. But I still loved her very much and I didnt want to live away from the children. I was expremely depressed. Then about
    a year or so ago, I woke up one day, and realised 15 YEARS had passed! I had a very difficult coversation with her and she agreed to come back to the room with me. She also had some (reluctant) councelling and for the last six months we have resumed a decent and regular sex life. I asked her why she had thought how this was affecting me and she said she thought I was ok with it (even though I regularly asked her to come back to the room and for regular sex. I just can’t understand the female mind! Even though the situation is very good now, I find myself needing councelling because I can’t get over how I let the situation get out of hand for so long.

  183. kaykay says:

    Wow. I guess I feel like I have to comment because I have now spent literally three days reading the entire thread of comments. Yes, it tok me three days of spare moments. I assume your (the authors) situation has improved but what a Pandora’s Box you have here! There’s a decent amount of b.s. byt also truckloads of brutal honesty in this thread. People have really opened up. Part of me wonders if they are being as honest with their partners. Even some of the posts I was originally repelled by (Jerry, Nikki Sixx) on reread there are some valid truths in there, some genuine pain and understandable frustration. All in all, and in my informed opinion as a mother of 3 married 13 years, you are almost always in one of two situations :
    1: You are in a basically good relationship with a basically good person and partner but you’re having problems. You’ll eventually work it out, you will look back months or years later and be able to shake your heads together, “Jeez, how the hell did we let that happen?”
    or…
    2: You are in a bad relationship. You do not function as partners. You don’t communicate, you manipulate. You either won’t work it out and you’ll go your seperate ways or you’ll stay together and be miserable, life sucking more and more as resentment grows on both sides and a poison cloud of unhappiness fills your home and chokes your kids, too. Misery is contagious.
    Truth: A good marriage can (will!) at times bear a bad sex life but the 2 can’t coincide forever. No Sex For Years and others like him- please, please get out. You have only one life to live. What you’re living with is unhealthy and bad for everyone. Don’t allow your kids to grow up thinking it’s ok to stay in a relationship that makes them miserable. I know it’s awful and painful and hard but you aren’t doing anyone any favors goinc on like that.
    It sounds like most people here have small kids but as they grow older they soak up the toxic relationship they’re living with if that’s what develops.
    And just a few other things I want to add. There is a crap-ton of stereotyping and generalization in here. As a woman let me say, we are not designed by Hallmark and we are not one monolithic creature with “typical” desires, needs, complaints etc. My husband knows this because he knows me but dude, this bubble bath and back rubs crap? Heart shaped boxes and mani-pedis? I’d laugh my ass off if I got any of that. I don’t need candlelight dinners or spa getaways. Sure, some women do but the thing is to know the person you are married to and know wha THEY like. KEEP ASKING to keep learning. And just BE NICE. Treat eachother like friends (because you are- friends with benefits for life) not like “the enemy” or like vending machinez or even mysteries to be solved. Some women like sex more than others, someare just plain mean and use it as a club to beat their partner with. Same with men. But we are all INDIVIDUALS.
    Finally, ladies and gentlemen please do not ever use the phrase “down there”. For petes sake we are adults. Trust me your sex life will improve if you can just say (or even WRITE) the word vagina. Or cunt, or pussy, or ya-ya or whatever you want to call it, give it a name even but “down there” implies it’s something so shameful it can’t even be mentioned.
    That is all.
    Thanks for the post, it’s a true public service.

  184. Anynym says:

    This is a very good discussion, and I’ve enjoyed reading nearly all of the posts.
    I’ll discuss this from the mans perspective. Our first was 13 years ago, second 10 years ago. Sex before kids was erratic, but at least reasonably frequent an she seemed to acknowledge that during the dry spells, that I have needs, and that they were legitimate. After our first, much less frequent for the next 18 months or so, and picked up a little after. Then we decided to have a second, and I thought “great, maybe trying to get pregnant will reinvigorate things”. Wrong. In fact I was more or less a “stud service”. If she was ovulating, then she would jump me no matter what, and inbetween nothing. Unfortunately I guess I produce really strong swimmers, and by 2 months of this we were expecting again. Then back to very infrequent sex. This made me feel very used and undesireable. After the second, the expected dry spell again for six months, then rare sex after that.
    Now I’ve read all of the above and how guys need to be more considerate, do more etc. In my situation, when kids were babies, I did absolutely as much cooking, cleaning, shopping as my work schedule allowed. I’d take the baby out on a Saturday to let her catch up on sleep. Or stay in with the baby if she needed to get away. As kids grew older, at her request to be relieved of some of the typical mommy duties I took on more stuff, dropping/ pickup from daycare, making lunches etc. Throughout the entire marriage we always have split the housecleaning (until we got smart and hired someone).
    Fast forward a decade. I cook a minimum of 4 meals a week. I do 1/2 of the shopping for groceries (minimum). I wash up after every meal (a habit started when kids were little when she wanted to put the kids to bed herself- now kids more or less put themselves to bed). If she is overtired from work (we both work full time) and there is something to be done, then I’ll say don’t worry, ill do it. One of those meals I cook is usually a fancy Saturday night late dinner for just the two of us, after the kids are in bed. Every week, unless we are away, or socializIng.
    I think I do my share (more if you consider that I work a 60 hour week, and bring in 90% of the (significant) household income.
    Despite increasing these household contributions, our sex life has trended downhill over the years. Unlike some we still do have sex, frequency varies, but probably 2 times a month on average. She always has an orgasm (one good thing is we have figured out how she can achieve this everytime. And I make sure she does, because I love seeing her turned on) However it isONLY on her terms. My advances are invariably turned down. Now I do know how to start slow, however if she gets any inkling of sex on my mind, everything stops. She decides what we do in bed. She claims to be too tired most ofthe time yet has boundless energy for her work, clients and for her own personal excercise program (note that if she has not worked out for a couple days she complains bitterly, yet we can go a month without sex and she can be perfectly content).
    Ive always had a very strong sex drive. We were together a long time before marriage, so that is no surprise, nor has it changed in 20 years. Now I don’t expect to be fully “satisfied” (would require some form of sex almost exert day to accomish that). I’m reasonable. It’s just at the point (and has been for a while) that my needs, desires are meaningless. There is never even an offer of compromise (quicky, bj, or hj).
    For the women out there, your guys don’t just want / need to “get off”. In fact most of us are pretty good at it ourselves by this point. We married you because we loved you and found you sexually attractive, enough that we wanted to have sex only with you forever). Sex with you makes us feel loved, wanted, desireable and important, all very crucial emotions for a guys happiness. We need that in a relationship. It isnt “nice to have”, it is essential. Think if your hubby denied you affection, knowing you needed it, how awful that would feel. And if that need isn’t satisfied, eventually someone else will fill the void.
    I know I’ll get flamed for this, but a short while back, I did have someone else, an affair. To feel wanted, loved, sexy desirable, and that someone cared about my needs was amazing. Eventually we ended it, as we both realized it could destroy our lives and families, and we still loved our spouses and did not want to hurt them. However that feeling was like a drug. It was like cocaine. I miss it every day. I finally felt alive again. Like a man. Now I know that relationship was not “real” in that it was more or less “no strings” and it was uncomplicated by the stresses of daily married and family life. I know it was very wrong too, and I am horribly guilty for it since. Nobody that knows me would ever think I’m the “type”. I was never a “ladies man” or a “player”.
    Marriage however really is a two way street. And when a guy is giving al he can but feels unacknowledged, unappreciated and unloved, serious resentment and unhappiness brews. I know I’m not perfect (and even less so considering what I’ve done), but there are things I know i need from life.

    • the monk says:

      Can I be a complete dick about your post anynym? Two times a month is not so utterly terrible. Neither is doing it on your w’s terms! (Some Rabbis apparently council newlywed husbands that no matter when their wife asks, they have to say yes). At least your wife has terms – there are no terms in my house except the ones between me and my right hand!

      I’m keeping it together for the sake of the kids (11 and 14). I’ve strayed, lived with terrible guilt and soldier on. Life isn’t hell but at times it’s decidedly ungreat. As I say, twice a month would make a big difference in my life. Eventually, I hope to move on as amicably as possible and I just hope I’m not a dried up crust when the time comes.

      • Anynym says:

        Sure you can be a dick! No prob. In my case the sex issue is just a mirror of everything else in the relationship – ie my ideas, wants needs etc dont matter.

        And we all are different. And I dont doubt that there are many who are worse off than me in the “frequency” department, and I don’t expect their sympathy, in fact they have mine. regardless of the frequency, if one person gets the message that a) they no longer turn the spouse on and b) that they dont matter, problems will ensue.

        My post was intended to highlight the importance of considering each others needs, opinions etc in a marriage. Both are important. And if one is ignored, that is when it falls apart.

      • Rico says:

        You know what’s sad? The fact that only twice a month is considered “not terrible”… it might even be “average”, but you know what else is “average” these days? Being overweight. Being thousands of dollars in debt. “Average” is nothing to crow about.

  185. TechMan says:

    Been over two years for me. Sigh. I’d like to say it gets easier, that killing the desire with work or whatever works. It doesn’t.

  186. the monk says:

    It’s been 10 years for me – it doesn’t get easier! Have just read through this entire thread – very interesting!

  187. frustrated says:

    I have been following this post for some time. I feel your pain guys. I love my wife very much. We have been married for 12 years and have three beautiful children together. In the beginning we had sex often probably daily for the first year. We took turns going through grad school and continued haveing sex several times a week. At the end of this period I made a horrible mistake and had a brief affair. After much guilt, pain, counciling we were able to put the pieces back together. I was so blessed that she stayed with me. Two years later we had our first child. Followed quickly by our sencond and third. Since the birth of our first we have shared the childrearing and household responsibilities. After the birth of our third child we went through a year dry spell. I tried several times but after multiple rejections I just quit trying, hurt too bad. I realized that if somthing didnt change our marrige was over. I redoubled my efferts (helping with kids house cleaning, date nights, weekend trips flowers. This has continued for about a year now. We do have sex now…from time to time. She never initiates, she rarly even touches me, hugs, kisses, hand holding all seem to be things of the past. She told me to stop buying flowers as they are a waste of money. She told me several months ago that we should just schedule it, Tues would be the day. If I’m lucky we keep the date once our twice a month. I realize this is far better than nothing, but it seems more like pitty sex, just hurry up and get it over with. I think this is almost more painful. Anynym, keep prying brother, it is powerful, and may be our only hope.

  188. Gloria Saenz says:

    I wish I had time to read other’s comments, but both my 2 year old and my husband are about to wake up. We are going through the same thing. My husband is in your shoes. Sorry if this has already been mentioned, but in my experience, to put it bluntly, it’s not that sex is no longer enjoyable, it’s still awesome, it is just that sometimes sleep, uninterrupted sleep is more heavenly than an orgasm. I love, correction, I’m in love with my husband (except when he goes golfing)lol, but sleep has become so primary. (I’ll probably have something more to add once I submit my comment, but that’s it for now).

  189. about2giveup says:

    my wife and I have been married for 16 years. we have 2 beautiful children, 10 & 6 and haven’t had sex for 4 years!! She decided for me that I’ll have sex on her terms. I used to be super romantic, love passionate kisses, love the game of cat and mouse with her…leaving little notes, I do EVERYTHING around the house. I take care of the kids,cleaning, laundry, cooking, yard work, and after counseling, still nothing….she even had the gall to say (2 years ago) when I told the counselor how long it’d been, she says “really? has it been THAT long?” WTF?!?! I’m here for my kids now. I harbor a great deal of resentment and await the day my kids are old enough to be more self sufficient, then my ass is gone!! We joined a gym, had personal trainers, etc…I’ve carved my body down to a fit, muscular man and still she doesn’t want me. It hurts to offer my life for others each and everyday and my wife can’t muster up the affection I used to give her. She knows she’s with-holding sex, she even bragged about it in a heated discussion we had recently….I guess I know where I stand….leave her when the time is right…kissing her ass, taking care of the kids, cooking for her, cleaning for her, I’m just a pathetic excuse for a fucking maid/nanny!! So when my kids are older, I’m out. I’ll be in my fucking 50’s but I’ll find someone who feels as passionately about me as I feel about them.

    • about2giveup says:

      I need to add that I typed this in a HUGE fit of rage so it may not make a whole lot of sense…I’m not sure. I love my wife, she says she loves me, but I love my kids enough to stick it out. Ladies, if you’re purposely holding sex from your husband to prove a point, to get your way, or WHATEVER the reason……you are WRONG!!! Try talking to him and telling him why the hell you don’t want him…maybe my marriage would’ve been salvaged years ago if she’d talked to me

      • PrettyMuchLostAllHope says:

        Reading your initial post, clearly one had to read between the lines and see beyond dismissing it as the rant of a bitter person. To a degree you are…and rightfully so. I feel your pain.

        We are probably related in another dimension..lol, because I am going through pretty much the same scenario. Tried talking/suggested counseling/flowers, and have been loyal and faithful to her all along the way – now going on 15 plus years. Were it not for my child, I would be out of here in a heartbeat. I grew up with divorce all around me and my kid will be spared that in his childhood. Meanwhile, I suffer silently because there is nothing I can do about it for now. I have accepted that she is not ‘coming around’ and I now count the days.

        My fear is that in the future my scars from all this will manifest. I don’t want to by cynical. I am so angry that my wife does not appreciate what I bring to her life. I am angry that I work amongst guys that cheat on their spouses, and she cannot appreciate the fact that she is married to a man who is still turned on to her after all these years. I keep asking myself, “What kind of person denies their spouse sex for 3 plus years?!?” Is it my fault or hers??

    • the monk says:

      So, I know exactly where this is coming from and can tell you that I’m in pretty much the same boat. Maybe I’m just resigned though as I’m not quite as angry as you. For better or worse, as the mother of my kids my wife is the most important relationship in my life. So agreed that when the time comes (I’ll be in my 50s too!) we will separate. But I want it to be amicable.

  190. half price says:

    Another mans soul stolen by a woman…I played this game for years after my wife gave birth. treated her like a queen day and night….NO SEX…after about two years of being shunned by her I started to complain…she would say that if i didn’t complain she might feel sexier…i didn’t say a word for seven months straight at one time…and guess what? we had no sex…finally after five long years i told my wife that i was done and that if she didn’t love me anymore than she just needed to let me know. she told me that she didn’t have time to be a mother and my wife. we divorced a month later, i see my wonderful daughter everyday and we have a great relationship. I see my Ex everyday as well and i have a great relationship with a wonderful woman with a daughter of her own and WE have tons of sex and I have never been happier. DON’T LET THE FEAR OF CHILD SUPPORT OR THREATS OF LOSING YOUR CHILDREN KEEP YOU BEAT DOWN…YOUR CHILDREN WILL CONTINUE TO LOVE YOU EVEN IF YOU DON’T KEEP CHOKING ON WHAT LITTLE LOVE (OR SEX) THEIR MOM FEELS YOU DESERVE…

  191. Anynym says:

    Let’s put it this way. The two best / miraculous things about being on love and by extension being married are
    1. Being so in love, and having that love reflected right back at you
    2. Wanting so much to make your beloved happy, and seeing that reflected back on you.

    A truly good person may be able to do good and not expect / want anything in return. However none of us are like that. We all are human, flawed and need reassurance. And after time if reassurance isn’t there, we feel like we are being taken advantage of.

  192. AnonLoveless says:

    Just venting a bit…

    I know everyone’s situations are different, but I’ve read 100 or more comments/articles that suggest the man change. Then I read articles that suggest the “Be The Alpha”, which makes sense to a certain extent.

    Work around the house doesn’t work in our situation. She’s clearly aware that I want sex, but I get the stiff-arm “not tonight” every time I make an advance. Our son is 2.5 years old now. We’ve had sex 3 times in three years. I’m about done with this. I love her to death, and I try to make it easier for her. She wanted to stay home with the baby, so I juggled finances to make that happen (I make decent money).
    1) I do all the grocery shopping weekly.
    2) I get up Saturday and Sunday with junior so she can sleep in til 10:00AM.
    3) I take over when I get home from work around 5:30 and she heads straight for the bed to relax. I spend from 5:30 to 8:00, then she takes him til 9:00, then I take him and read stories and put him to bed.
    4) I do my own laundry – all the time, by choice.
    5) I cook on the weekends.
    6) I bring her occassional surprises.
    7) She has money available to go and do things, but she doesn’t very often.
    8) When she cooks, I do the dishes.
    9) I bring home dinner a couple times a week.
    10) I bought her a boob job which she wanted (which I haven’t seen yet after 6 months).

    I do these things because I care about her and love her, but I’ve run out of the love part now. Running on complete fumes.

    What we don’t do is talk. We don’t even so much as hold hands. I tried it and she just got defensive and said that the feeling would “come back eventually”. 3 years, nothing. She refuses counseling, denies that she may be depressed (I think she is).

    Nothing I do makes a difference, and I’ve had it.

    Clearly, “doing more stuff” around the house doesn’t work in every situation, and I’m at a loss as to what else to try, other than turn into a complete jackass, which, honestly, she deserves at this point.

    • PrettyMuchLostAllHope says:

      Aside from changing a few words in a few places, you may want to print out what you articulated here quite well and give it to her. Maybe this might be the jolt she needs to do some self-analysis and get help. At the very least, she cannot say you didn’t tell her so if you decide to call it quits.

      I wish you much luck in this, and I am sorry that you are suffering in silence like a lot of us here.

      • cjc says:

        Wow.
        The initial post about not having sex after childbirth – I totally and completely relate to. It was an awesome read.
        I felt really AWFUL (long after the fact) that I wouldn’t have sex for eight months after the birth of our first…it was the stitches, then it was the exhaustion…but the truth is that I was scared. The fear of tearing tissue and pain overwhelmed me. Being tired and fat just did not help the matter. I’m really glad to have been able to read that I was not the only one out there who lived through it…although being called a NUN didn’t help the cause…

        Now our son is six, our daughter is three…and things are looking up.
        The difference is that we are BOTH trying harder.

        The resentment towards my husband for..not helping around the house, being selfish with his time, spending money we don’t have, etc., etc….does exist and does put a strain on our sex life…BUT…I try very hard to overcome it and almost have to make myself want him…and then I do. The more consistently we have sex, the more I want it.

        A coworker mentioned that her and her husband “do it” EVERY night, before bed…”like brushing your teeth” she said. They are such a great and loving couple, they have two boys…aged 7 and 10. They been married about 12 years…and EVERY NIGHT!?!
        I thought “If she can do it, then I can do better than once or twice a month!” That helped get the ball rolling….

        The lack of intimacy described by you men who DO try and who are sticking it out…I feel guilt on behalf of my entire gender. I’ve been there, not wanting sex because of the unfairness of shouldering the burden of the kids, the house, the bills..the intense resentment…but YEARS??? That seems unreasonable by far. These women surely need counselling and I’ll bet that it is purely a self-image or self-hating issue, that you are unfortunately suffering the consequences of.

        How do we convert marriage from a power struggle to an environment where the husband and wife are on the SAME TEAM??? That would be my magic answer to my problems.

        You men are rare. I have to give you credit for the patience and understanding that you’ve afforded your wives. If open and honest discussion about whether the marriage is “worth it” doesn’t get you anywhere, then I don’t know what will. If you love one another and want to be together, I really think that time WILL help. My husband and I are trying to hang in there with many ups and some serious downs…I’ve listened to couples who have found they are happier with divorce and others who have managed to rekindle the romance as their kids become teens and are less dependant on mom and dad….

        As was said before, every situation is different…I really wish you guys the best of luck. No one ever tells us that marriage sucks sometimes and is the hardest and most challenging situation you can put yourself into…but it CAN be so rewarding.
        When things are great, that’s what makes the work worthwhile.

  193. Loni says:

    This is a great blog. I just wanted to put my 2 cents in from the wife/mothers prospective.
    My husband and I are going through this same thing. I have guilt and feel bad that I dont fulfill his needs like he wants and very much deserves. I say deserves because he takes great care of me and our boys. He does stuff around the house and works. I couldnt ask for a greater partner.

    Its just something after having my 2 boys that makes me not want to be touched much or be intimate. My husband is very touchy feely and loves giving me lots of kisses and hugs, but it works against him, since I dont want to be touched much and it feels like he just doing it to get some. I have voiced this, but he cant help himself.

    I defiantly think that hormones, lack of sleep and and being somewhat pestered about sex everyday has made me not want any.

    I know things will get back to what it was as with my first it took about 9 months or so and then we were getting busy like usual.

    I guess my only advice is continue to be patient and give her time and support. Its hard for us as well, especially knowing we arent acting like we use too and would like too.

  194. Stephy says:

    I am a mother of young mother of six (unnder 30). After delivery and trying to sleep and breastfeed, yes, takes a toll on our bodies. However, our minds change as well. It is literally focused on this little creature that was created inside us, the sheer realization occurs, it cannot live without me. After a mother’s mind gets into the groove, of changing, feeding, sleep patterns, juggling household stuff, maybe school stuff, other family members/ or friends,then…..after she feels confident with herself, her abilities she will jump you like a tiger! Her hormones, mind and body need to balance out. I am sure she finds you attractive and loves you. But she may not find herself attractive and needs to be comfortable with herself. Just be supportive, and so you know being a great father is the most hottest thing a man can do to turn on their wife. Weird, I know. And sweet nothings whispered in her ear should do it too.

  195. about2giveup says:

    Just wanted you all to know that it happened a couple of weeks ago. We had sex and it was HORRIBLE!!! 4 fucking years of waiting, hoping, kissing her ass day and night. Being supportive, offering every kind word I could muster up. Taking care of our 2 children when I was home to take to load off of her. I’d resolved to the decision that if and/or when she FINALLY gave in and asked ME for sex (because I sure as hell wasn’t asking ever again after 4 YEARS!!!) I would shun her right then and there!! I’d say “hell no” and “how dare you do this to me!” But in a fit of absolute weakness and the NEED to be wanted as a man, I gave in!! We had sex and it was like being with a total stranger!! I tried to kiss her passionately and it was so wrong!! It was uncomfortable but I went on and pleasured her. She either got really good at faking orgasms or I actually did something right.

    Anyhow, afterward, I was so PISSED OFF at myself for allowing it to get to this!! I’d given in!! And she gets away with 4 years of deciding that MY sex life was ON HOLD!!! WTFF!!!!! Of course, that night as I lay there in disbelief that I couldn’t follow through, I was so uncomfortable, then our 6 year old comes in and says she itches…..SHE takes her downstairs to get her some benadryl thinking it’s allergies and finds LICE!!!! My little girl tried on another kid’s hat and BLAMMO!!! LICE!!! Now the “talk” we WERE going to have has to be postponed for the new crisis… 2am through to 8 pm the next night I’m cleaning, washing, fumigating, combing, etc!!! Now I’m completely exhausted and emotionally crippled by the last night’s event. I now don’t have the nerve to bring it up….the time has come and gone. I hate my life, I hate myself, and I’ll just have to hate this marriage until something breaks. My spirit, the bank, or whatever. As for you women that say “keep trying, she’ll come around”…..screw that and screw you!!! NOBODY has the right to do this evil, mind fucking shit to anyone else!!! It’s WRONG, it’s sadistic, and I think you women get OFF knowing that YOU can just turn that shit on and off like a switch!! You have this POWER over us and we have only ONE thing in response and that’s find another woman…..so good luck with your game of “she’ll come around”. I love my children more than life itself. I’d give my LIFE for them. I’ll stick it out until we can afford to split up then I’m never looking back!!! I’m so ashamed of how I allowed myself to be treated!!!! If any of my coworkers or family members knew what I’ve allowed myself to be put through, I’d NEVER hear the end of it!!! WOMEN SUCK!!!!

    • Mrrudy says:

      Wow, that’s rough. I went through something similar. Your wife is emotionally set and doesn’t need you to fulfill that role. She gets emotional fulfillment from the children who love her unconditionally so she can live without your love. Before your kids, she got if from you. Now the kids have taken your place. I don’t buy a woman’s reasoning for not wanting to have sex. That’s garbage. Not for withholding sex for 4 years and it not be attributed to mental illness, psychological problems or something physically wrong because you’d get help right? Women have everything to lose by telling the hard truth which is why they don’t. The biggest reason is “I don’t want to hurt your feelings” but how often does that work out? The truth is they don’t want to ruin a good thing going (aka, better than nothing) so they keep quiet and in many cases outright lie to your face but that just makes your fall that much harder. A person who loved you wouldn’t do that to you. Used car salesmen use the same technique to get you to buy. Don’t be on the hook for that anymore. If it means you’ll die single, so be it. Going to war is much simpler and easier than being married in 2012. At least the guy in the foreign uniform with a gun pointed at you won’t lie to your face and his intentions are crystal clear. That, you can deal with.

      What to do? She is not in tune with the problem – your problem. She is aware of it but doesn’t fully understand it. She probably blames you so that way she doesn’t have to deal with it. It’s rough because people don’t support men and secretly believe the man somehow deserves this treatment so no one cares – not really, even though men have flaws and aren’t perfect.

      I can’t give advice, only what happened to me. My wife has shut herself off to me. There’s nothing I can do about it. Money, status, another child, nothing will make her change her mind about me. I’m stuck. She won’t get help. You never have to tell a woman twice to do something she is interested in doing, let that be your guide. She has dug in and settled down to accept the way things are. She mentions I would have to change tremendously in order for her to even think about opening up to me emotionally but after thinking about it, why would I want to completely change up for a woman who’ll just abandon me emotionally at the first sign of trouble? If this was business we were discussing, no questions about it, take a hike lady. So whose fault is it? Doesn’t matter, someone has to take ownership of the situation and she won’t do it. Women aren’t proactive, they’re reactive. The ball is in your court. You are not married to the type of woman who will fight for your relationship and I’m so sorry. I really am so sorry. You are past the point of no return.

      My advice for anyone not yet at this point is to not allow the woman to monopolize the kids’ time. Fight for “custody” the same as you would if you were divorced (meaning, set up times where you spend equal amounts of time with the kids and LET HER SEE that you and the kids are happy without her). Women see children as the extension of themselves and if you don’t love your kids the way she would or expects, be certain that she’ll make you pay for it and push you out of the nest. Women are so vindictive.

  196. about2giveup says:

    Thanks Mrrudy. I’ve gotten a lot of perspective since my first post and your reply rings so true. I’ve consolidated all of our bills into one affordable payment. Her vehicle will be paid off in 4 months so that’ll free up another $500/month for her…(we have our own accounts and both pay for our own vehicles…she wanted it that way a few years ago). Looks like things might be on the upswing for the miserable fireman here. I’ve sworn an oath to my country in the USMC, I swore an oath to my city as a firefighter, and I vowed “to have and to hold until death so us part” as a husband. Looks like 2 outta 3 ain’t bad. Oh and WOMEN STILL SUCK!!!!

  197. PrettyMuchLostAllHope says:

    I was shaking my head as I read this post of yours. It has been almost 3 years since I had sex with my wife. We had sex only one time during this period, and it was on a weekend getaway. Like your experience, it too was the worse sex I have ever had in my life.

    Friday we head out, have a nice dinner. Friday night, as my child goes to the restroom in the hotel room, my wife springs a line on me, “This was such a nice day, I want to you to sleep with me”. I was so caught off guard, in ecstasy and terrified at the same time. I thought I was dreaming. Funny how I had the same question at the beginning as I did at the end of the weekend: “What did I do to deserve this, and how to I keep from fucking this up?”

    It didn’t matter. Next night home, I just reached over to hold her. Without even turning around, she said, “Please don’t touch me”. I was devastated. Devastated. Back to her sexual coma.

    I went through the same motions. I was furious at her, furious at myself for being duped. Kept asking myself: “What kind of human being would do such an evil thing?” So…angry!

    That said, the experience taught me many things. Many things, and maybe this will help you somewhat. First, I am no longer angry at her. I find being angry at her only makes me angrier. For my own sanity, I had to and I have let it go. In the end, you have the power of choice more than you think, and you reap both the benefits and suffer the consequences of your decisions.

    Second, anyone who will screw with your emotions like that, man or woman, cannot be trusted. Time for survival mode. They don’t love you. That is not love. Even if they are mentally sick, pms, whatever the hell you want to call it, even the average bear would know that SOMETHING is wrong if you two have not had sex this long. She knows that ‘something’ is wrong, but is not willing to tell you or just doesn’t care about your feelings.

    Third, stop beating yourself up. You’re not a wuss, or weak, because you desire to be held and succumbed to having sex with her. Welcome to the human race. Besides, trust me, telling her off at that moment may sound like a great idea, as if she is going to see the error of her ways, but that is only in the movies.

    You have emotional needs, and it is pretty clear she doesn’t give a crap. Bide your time, like I am. As I said in an earlier post, I grew up with divorce all around me and I saw how it devastated my friends, who were fellow kids at the time. Furthermore, I want access to my kid 24/7/365, and don’t want to be bogged down with child support to see someone I can per some f*cking legal arrangement. Now I’m not telling you to stay for the sake of the kids, that’s not my point. My point is to bide your time and plot an exit strategy, no matter what it is.

    I fit the profile of many of the male posters here. I have been faithful my 15 plus years of marriage, and still am, but not because of her. I wouldn’t sleep with another woman to spite her, but should the opportunity arise I may do it because I have my needs and she has abandoned my physical and emotional needs. If she doesn’t care about mine, whay should I hers? Also, as sad as it is, I have taught myself to find her unattractive, which helps a great deal.

    Finally, if I read another *&^%( post from a female that says, “Wine her, dine her, send her little notes, clean the house, etc.” , I think my head is going to explode. That is such bull. Seems to me there are a lot of DECENT men here posting, TRYING to do the ‘right thing’, but it has to be a two-way street. So if you don’t communicate with your man, don’t be surprised if you come home to an empty house.

    Good luck.

  198. Katie says:

    And again I say wow-ow-ow… These women-hating comments are so extreme. As the exhausted mom of a two year old, I’m now desperate to have sex with my wonderful husband so that he doesn’t end up like these fucking insane psychopaths. I guess sex twice a week isn’t bad, but I’m not taking any chances. Freakin crazies. I don’t think this lady-bashing is what Charlie had in mind when he wrote this post.

    • MrRudy says:

      This is reality my dear. You ignore the evidence right before your eyes?

      Why?

      This is why nothing ever changes, you only see “bad men who bash women” instead of men with real issues and no one to confide in to help them deal with it.

      This is real. People often live in fantasy because they don’t like to deal with the hard reality of life because it sucks and if a man doesn’t see life the same way as a woman, he is considered to be faulty. Women turn off their hearing when certain words or phrases are used instead of reading between the lines. You are shocked because this post is too real and you don’t know what to make of it so bad words = bad men. No one is playing by society’s filters on this page.

      Men here are tired of being ignored and strung along for doing “what society expects of us” and it’s a legitimate beef. We don’t want to feel this way. We want to be happy and run in a field of daisies with our families too but we’re stuck and in need of help but there isn’t a support group to help us. I read this man’s post and that picture of the two of them is such a nice picture, they make such a lovely couple and to read this blog tears my own heart out. Just look at the man’s eyes. Do you see a bad person? I don’t. I see myself in his eyes. His wife does not look like a bad person so why does she treat him so? Why is he to blame for her unrealized dreams? If he were a bad man, she’d have left him ages ago so what’s the problem? He disgusts her but she needs him around for whatever reason.

      The situation is now toxic for the entire family and he must leave them or it will get worse. It’s such as hard thing to do. It’s not just about sex, men are just physically expressive. Our hands are connected to our hearts. You see what men create, how hard men work. How can love not be attributed to any of that? It’s convoluted, I agree but women do not understand this and expect men to express love the way they envisioned it to be instead of seeing what is already there. If a man simply doesn’t “do it” for you, then let him go. Give a guy a chance to be truly happy by giving him all the facts to make a proper decision regarding who he spends his life with and deal with it. Sometimes I think women just don’t want to pass a good thing up as if it’s a closeout sale and they aren’t making suckers anymore. I feel bad for the kids, they think such a home life is normal now.

      Why won’t women just talk frankly to their men before these things become a massive problem?

      Answer that at least if you’re not going to say anything constructive. Better listen to your man before he turns into one of us. Seriously.

      I’m not knocking you or trying to tear you down, I don’t know you.

      • Katie says:

        MrRudy, you’re absolutely right. I responded in shock of what I was reading. I’m sorry for the lack of love that I displayed in that comment.
        I do think, though, that you’re judging all women (and Charlie’s relationship) by the standard of your wife and through the lenses of extreme pain, and you’re off-kilter. The world is full of wonderful women (and men) who are doing their best. I very seriously doubt that Avara is disgusted by him. In the first several months after a child is born, I don’t think you can judge women & their love for their husbands by their lack of sex drive. It’s entirely hormonal–>emotional, and honestly within our rights. Even from an evolutionary standpoint, it’s normal.
        Once the problem stretches on into years(?!) it’s definitely a huge problem. NO disagreement there. Those women are being cruel and should think long and hard about where the relationship is going.
        Many women do talk frankly about this, and many of us do listen to our husbands and do our best to fill their needs. The VAST majority of us truly want to make our husbands happy– WHY, on God’s green earth, wouldn’t we want to? The lives we share with you are our lives, too.

        Look. I don’t think you guys started out as bad men. I don’t even think you’re all bad, and I see the very real place of pain that this extremity comes from. My heart aches for every one of you who feel trapped, unloved, unwanted. It isn’t a good place for anyone to be. But please, PLEASE don’t be one of the men in this thread who say that all women are evil succubi just looking to rip your hearts & wallets out because they enjoy the power. That isn’t true AT ALL, and you can’t judge us all based on your narrow (albeit heartbreaking) experiences.

        This world is filled with evil, sadness, and loss. We’re broken, the world is broken. Most of us are trying to do the best we can, paving our roads with good intentions. But there is beauty and love in the world, and most of us are soaking that in as much as we can and trying to share that with those around us, starting at home, with the single most important person in our lives.

        Again, I’m so sorry. What your wife has done isn’t okay in anyone’s judgement.

        • MrRudy says:

          I appreciate your response. I don’t judge all women. I don’t judge anyone. A person is responsible for their action and inactions. Someone has to be. What’s right is right and what’s wrong is wrong in my eyes. I get that hormones are a hell of a drug. I get that women are constantly tired. That’s a big complaint women make worldwide, I’d be a fool to ignore that. It’s just frustrating when you’ve not got the answers to sorting out something that seems soooo simple on the outside. I get everyone’s frustration. I side with the men here because I’m feeling it too. I can’t feel what the women are feeling because I simply can’t so I have to trust that what’s being said is true and I don’t have a problem with that. However, men need to be told things bluntly and ice cold because that’s how we learn. We will get over it, we always do. You should hear how people talk to us at work; tough skin is a necessity. As children, the word “stop” is followed up by a bloody nose. Then we stop. That’s how men are. We’re physical in nature. Sex is how even the densest of men know when something isn’t right in a relationship. It irritates women to no end but pretty much every man is like this (whether he gets to exercise it is another story altogether) so it is something that has to be accepted as part of the male package. It seems a bit simple and archaic but that’s where women come in, to teach us better. Many of us don’t realize that women need all of these switches to be hit to get in the mood and feel sexy. For us, it’s wired to one switch and for most, it’s stuck in the “on” position. That and most men don’t worry about “feeling sexy” so that line goes right over our heads because you’re already doing it for us the way you are. So on that, I agree with the women. Men need to understand how a woman’s sexuality works and ladies need to spell it out. Meet us half way, it’s your marriage too. Men who are married and committed, respect their women so much that rejection of any kind is a dagger to the soul. Men are so sensitive, mainly because we aren’t allowed to exercise the part of us that feels. We build a turtle’s shell to protect it. So when the woman who managed to coax us out of our shell ends up hurting us (from our point of view) we are devastated but it typically manifests as anger and then rage.

          In my case, my wife never has not felt an emotional connection with me for close to 10 years. She lost her father right before we met so I gave her the support I felt she needed. I cared for her emotional well being so any issues with bonding were obscured by how hard she’d been dealing with her father’s passing. Fast forward to when we had children. Her mood improved and she says when the boys were babies, those were happier times. We made less money, we both were tired but caring for the boys really brought us closer. I absolutely love babies so it was a natural high to have 2 of my own to care for. However, without an emotional base to draw from, as the boys grew older, our void grew wider. Don’t misunderstand. The longest we went without sex (aside from her being pregnant) was 2 months maybe. But by then we agreed to just “do it” for each other to keep the peace as it is a stress reliever. But that only masked the problem. It wasn’t “connected sex” in the least. it wasn’t even all that good. It wasn’t bad but it wasn’t good either but it was “something” and I wasn’t about to give what little I’d gotten away but it wasn’t the kind of sex I wanted. I even rejected some of her advances and even quit right in the middle a few times because it was purely mechanical. Complacency is the kiss of death. My entire gripe was that I wanted to leave her, long before we had children but she literally begged me not to leave only to shut herself off to me emotionally for the next 10 years. That’s the kicker. That’s the part I can’t understand. Why keep someone around you don’t really love?

          Anyway. My wife and I agreed to separate. I’m 1200 miles away now and focusing on fixing my life. We don’t hate each other and oddly enough, we’re having normal conversations again. The boys are acting out but my presence is toxic for everyone so it’s something we just have to deal with. They are still at the age where my phone voice is still as powerful as my face to face voice in terms of curbing their behavior. I did make the mistake of saying “If you boys keep acting up, I’ll get on the next plane and come down there and put my foot up your collective backsides.” I think they’ll intentionally call my bluff just to see me, not that I need a particular reason to visit them.

          Will I date? That’s the furthest thing from my mind right now. Will she date? Frankly I don’t care. I have been a very proactive husband trying anything and everything I could think of to do whatever was necessary to fix our relationship and maybe that was the problem all along. I interfered with the natural order and got burned. I can’t even cry about it. I’ve run out of tears. That’s how drained I am. I am upset and I am disappointed but with all of our important bits located on the font of our bodies (nose, eyes mouth, toes, knees, etc) we were designed to move forwards. So I am moving forward because that’s all I can do.

          Again, don’t take offense to anything I’ve directed at you, I don’t know you personally, I was merely addressing you with the intention of speaking to anonymous eyes reading our exchange. I apologize if I’ve come off a bit brash. I do appreciate the conversation.

    • AnonLoveless says:

      They’re not extreme. Just a symptom of the frustration some of us feel. My wife is also the “exhausted” mom of a two and a half year old (though I do more than my fair share of toting the weight at the house, plus I’m the sole bread winner), and I don’t register at all on her list of priorities. The dogs get more attention than I do. So instead of making comments that we’re psycopaths for wanting to have sex more than three times in four years, perhaps you ought to read what the men write. If you’re having sex with your husband twice a week, maybe these guys aren’t talking about you.

      • Katie says:

        Right, I definitely said that you all are “psycopaths for wanting to have sex more than three times in four years.”

        That is absolutely heartbreaking, and that’s not why I called some of the threads on this post crazy. Wanting to have sex with your wife: normal, healthy. Being convinced that all women are evil, trying to convince your son to be gay so that he doesn’t have to deal with women, etc., THAT’S what I find crazy. I think I am reading what they write, as well as reading between the lines.

        I’m so sorry that your wife is so awful, but all women aren’t like that.

        • Rico says:

          You may not have said those words, but that’s certainly the way many women view good men who dare to suggest their wives be sexually responsive to them.

  199. ac says:

    Men aren’t psychopaths for wanting more sex, of course not. But for the amount of men complaining and identifying with this “problem” they are having with their woman – it stands to reason that this is a problem of the sexes!!

    So what IS the problem then? It is so frustrating to sit here and read over and over again that you men have done EVERYTHING to try to work on this “problem.” Guess what? I guarantee you definitely HAVE NOT – because you are still not having sex!!!!

    Do you remember how your woman gave you awesome sex at the beginning of your relationship together? I promise, that you can get back to that, if you want to. But it isn’t only HER fault. It may be a lack of communication, but it isn’t JUST HER lack, it is yours too. Have you sought counseling? Why not? Men and women have different emotional and physical needs, but they equal the same thing in the end – that love feeling – feeling loved. Most women don’t require sex to feel loved, but most men do. Most men do not require constant communication to feel loved, but most women do. There are nuances in all of that too. If you aren’t getting sex for 15 years, and you have just given up and not sought counseling, then that is seriously your fault – not JUST HERS! Sad. Seriously. Be adult, and get help. This issue isn’t exclusive. It’s widespread, and it requires both adults in the relationship to BE adult. It takes huge amounts of communication – and sometimes it takes help from an outside source. You *CAN* get through/past/over this if both people want to. Don’t give up. Children should see the love that parents share, through and through.

  200. about2giveup says:

    Oh AC, if only you could take off the blinders and see the truth. I’ve sought counseling, she’s sought counseling, we’ve BOTH attended counseling and it got us NOWHERE!! You think that it’s just as easy as flipping a knob to fix this?! Believe me, I’ve tried. I’d buy her small gifts to let her know I’m thinking of her. I go every year with NO present for myself while I bust my ASS to find that perfect gift for her that’ll show her I’m paying attention to her and things that interest her. I’d try to do anything that you women suggested, time alone, sweet nothings, vacations, I can’t DO anything else here at home!! I already do it ALL!! I mow, cook, clean, wash, fold, scrub, feed the kids, bathe the kids, take them to school, help them with their schoolwork, homework, toys, friends, problems. I shop for the food, I drive so she doesn’t have to, I ride when she wants to drive, I don’t nag, I don’t beg, I’ve fucking given my ALL!!!As for MY case, she’s ADMITTED to being the one in the wrong!!! It isn’t always the man at fault!! I LIVE for my family and for them alone!! Every thought I have can’t exist without thinking of how my family would be affected by the next decision!! You act like it’s BARBARIC for men to have physical needs AS WELL as emotional needs!!! How in the hell do you think you landed that man of yours?!!? It sure as hell wasn’t your mind lady!!! You cut your man off and see of he feels the same way about you! It’s difficult to keep a smile on my face, act like nothing’s wrong in front of my kids, when every second of every fucking DAY I look at myself in the mirror and wonder why the hell doesn’t she want me?!?! You probably have no idea what rejection really is. well let me tell you something….it’s HATE……it’s DISGUST…..it’s EMASCULATING!!! To have the one person you WORSHIP, you give her your VERY SOUL, reject you for what you are. To offer your life to someone is not just a whimsical notion.

    It’s spiritual!! To share everyday…every MOMENT with that one person that brings you ULTIMATE JOY….it’s enlightening!! To share a life together and bring life into this world, I have no capability of expressing my feelings for that…there ARE no words that can describe how proud I am!!

    The sex at the beginning of the relationship wasn’t all that you claim either. It should’ve been a clue for me then. We’ve discussed splitting up then don’t…we “work on it” but nothing changes.

    But when it starts off…….the withdrawal..you try to figure out what happened so you ask. “Nothing” is what you’re told so you move on…maybe a few days she’ll want to talk about why I can’t touch her…NOT have sex, just TOUCH…….CARESS……….HOLD!!!! A few days go by and “nothing” again…It’s GOT to be something I did!! It HAS GOT TO BE ME!! What did I do? I recount every step of everyday and ask again……”you didn’t do anything”. Ok, so what then? We talk, we promise, we try and nothing changes. Days turn to weeks, weeks to months…”just keep trying to please her and take care of the family” is the thought of the day…months turn to years!!! Talk of divorce is thrown around, but not lightly…there are children involved and there’s NO WAY we can afford to divorce. We vow to try again, and still…….nothing changes except she asked ME for sex and I give in after all these years!!!

    You obviously have the perfect relationship and have absolutely NO business here but to chide these poor souls that have tried endlessly to repair their marriages and salvage what little dignity we have left. Screw You!!! Take your perfect life and perfect marriage back where you came from, enjoy every fucking day like it’s your LAST!! That’s what I USED to do before I was reduced to the bitter shell of a man I am today!!!

    How dare you come in this discussion with your high-and-mighty attitude. You have ALL the answers don’t you!??! Well listen up!! Everything in life isn’t as cut and dry as you seem to think. Decisions have consequences that affect others!! Others that did nothing wrong to deserve the negativity involved!!! I say WOMEN SUCK because it’s my way of venting. Don’t you dare tell me that you haven’t done the same about how “stupid men are” or how “men are pigs” or “all men are dogs”!!! I guarantee you’ve used generalizations when it comes to the male gender!! Go find a “bored wife with nothing else to do so I’ll meddle in your problems” web page and get the hell off of this one!! These men, as well as myself, need someone to HEAR them. Someone to understand what they’re going through and offer them an ear. We need to feel HUMAN. Not like a bunch of servants that do nothing but provide childcare and a paycheck. We have feelings goddammit!!!

    • ac says:

      Wow. A little emotional over this, eh? I mean I get that, but you don’t actually know me, or what I have been through, so I am shocked to see you so angry at me over my comments.

      I do have every right to chime in with my opinion. I have had issues in my marriage just like every couple I know.

      I never said, or mean to imply that it is YOUR (a man’s) fault. What I said was that it is a couple’s issue. It takes two to tango. I am so sorry (and I mean this) that you have to deal with this. I can’t imagine. You are amazing for staying where you’re at – most people wouldn’t. I can’t say I would, if I were you.

      Of course I don’t have all the answers. I totally do not feel “high and mighty.” Men are NOT stupid, or pigs, and I have *never* ever said that in my life. Ever.

      It takes TWO. Obviously, your wife doesn’t WANT to fix this situation. What else can YOU do? Doesn’t sound like much to me. My point wasn’t that you didn’t try hard enough. My point was that it takes TWO to want to fix it. It doesn’t sound like she cares to.

    • Katie says:

      Um, so, do you realize that you’re replying to AC and I like we’re the same person? Crazy idea here– not all women are the same person. We have different ideas, different backgrounds, different ways of responding, just like men do. I know this is a radical thought, but women are real people, too.

      And can I just say– it probably wasn’t healthy in the first place to “worship” your wife and put her on that kind of pedestal.

      I don’t think AC said she had all the answers… you’re kind of waaaaaay overboard here. I mean, I realize this is the internet and apparently that’s what it’s here for, but you sound like you need help ASAP. Like AC (who is a different person from me), I can honestly say that I’ve never used generalizations like “men are so stupid,” “All men are pigs” etc., because I don’t believe that it’s true. What is true– some men are stupid. Some women are, too. Not ALL.

      Also, like AC (different person), I have real relationship issues, and this is a forum that I have the right to use to discuss them. I am a housewife (who does all of the housework, because that’s my job) who is not bored, does have better things to do, and brings in supplemental income. I do not treat my husband as a servant, because he is the head of our household, a man worth following. I will comment on this site if I goddamn well please.

      • about2giveup says:

        And I apologize for lumping you in with AC, (someone else), Katie. I have a problem with my marriage. I’m a man that has nowhere else to turn except to OTHER men that have the same problem. It makes me understand that there are more women out there in the world that take men like me for granted. I don’t think women have a single thing to do here, personally, since the title is “Why won’t my WIFE have sex with me?” Not “husband”. So again, I’m sorry you think you were lumped in with another woman, because I know how it pisses women off to think they aren’t different from every other woman in the entire world. I stay for my children until we can both afford it. I don’t stay for love anymore. I also still stand by my previous comment of “women suck!” I didn’t say “All” women suck, now did I. LOL!!! I’ll clarify it for everyone here and now….Women whom take advantage of the love and emotional support their husbands give them and shun their affection (of ANY sort) SUCK!!!!!!! Ok?!?! Is that better……..Goddammit?!

  201. AnonLoveless says:

    “Do you remember how your woman gave you awesome sex at the beginning of your relationship together? I promise, that you can get back to that, if you want to. But it isn’t only HER fault. It may be a lack of communication, but it isn’t JUST HER lack, it is yours too. Have you sought counseling? Why not? Men and women have different emotional and physical needs, but they equal the same thing in the end – that love feeling – feeling loved. Most women don’t require sex to feel loved, but most men do. Most men do not require constant communication to feel loved, but most women do. There are nuances in all of that too. If you aren’t getting sex for 15 years, and you have just given up and not sought counseling, then that is seriously your fault – not JUST HERS! Sad. Seriously. Be adult, and get help. This issue isn’t exclusive. It’s widespread, and it requires both adults in the relationship to BE adult. It takes huge amounts of communication – and sometimes it takes help from an outside source. You *CAN* get through/past/over this if both people want to. Don’t give up. Children should see the love that parents share, through and through.”

    Unfortunately, the problem is one that cannot be solved by making generalizations about men, women, or what will work or what won’t work.

    I’ve personally asked my wife to go to counseling one time, in as considerate a manner as I could. She said no and got all bent out of shape about it. She’s told me one time that she wanted more emotional intimacy. But when I ask her about her day, or I’m there ready to listen or give a shoulder to cry on, she will only talk about trivial things that ultimately don’t get to the heart of the issues. That and when I try to spend time at her at night, she won’t turn the damned TV off to actually have a conversation.

    So yes, it is a communication issue. If you’re available and the wife still won’t talk, there’s not much you can do about it. But the stereotyping of men as bad listeners is ALSO not true in every case. I have a very good idea of things that are bothering my wife deep down, several of which are from her past before I ever met her, and I can feel to some extent I’m being punished for the poor behavior of other men in her past. Not fair, and I have no idea how to help her if she won’t talk to me or a therapist about her issues.

    So, not every woman is nutso, and not every man is a bad listener or slacking around the house. There are plenty of us MEN who can still be MEN and listen to our wives, but the wives aren’t capable of doing anything but shutting down emotionally and physically.

    • ac says:

      True, generalizations are general. I agree. I think most people here know that. Which is why I said “most men,” “most women.”

      And you’re right – if you’re available and willing to do what you can to fix problems within a marriage and she is not, then she is not. It takes two to want to fix it.

    • MrRudy says:

      So true. I’ve noticed women have these weird labeling systems. Once she labels you as hot, you’re hot until that changes. Once you’re labeled as annoying or not worthy of respect, that’s pretty much it. You’d have to move mountains in order to get her to change that label. So once you get labeled as a “Man who doesn’t listen,” from that day forward, you could channel Dr Phil and it wouldn’t make a difference, she’ll just pull out another label and affix it to her picture of you in her head. Women tend to be absolutists in their decisions and you will become the whipping boy for everything wrong in her life, believe it. Just don’t let it get to that point – and therein lies the problem.

      But do you get advanced warning? Of course not. Women speak to men as if they were women and men speak to women as if they were men – the huge problem. Men are direct. We practically punch each other’s lights out before we “fully understand” one another. That’s how men are. Women use a lot of non-verbal and beat around the bush hint based communication and they scan our body language to determine what is going on in our heads and to predict our intent instead of just asking which is a lot simpler. The frustration is when our chosen methods of communication don’t work. One time my wife and I argued for days over a topic and in the end, we were arguing the same damn point the entire time! Talk about miscommunication. Talk about embarrassing. I then learned how to read her subtle body language to determine how she must been feeling. It was too late by then and it wasn’t enough to knock down all of the labels over my head, but I did figure it out. It’s just shameful that the next person gets the benefit of all of that hard work and agony when it was meant for my wife, the person who in all honesty, deserved the effort. Such is life I guess.

      So yes, I agree communication is a huge deal. After all, wars get started when 2 sides cannot see eye to eye. So my advice is to take your experiences and learn from them. If you want to be with a woman, learn how to speak “woman”. If you want to be with a man, learn how to speak “man”. And practice.

      So, if someone doesn’t understand you, it’s both your fault. Yours for not being clear and theirs for not asking for any clarification, gender notwithstanding.

  202. Lizzie says:

    Nice to hear other people are in the same boat. Won’t write a whole freaking book, but haven’t had it in 2 years (the boy is 2 1/2). Husband has gained weight, is messy and doesn’t care. We don’t sleep in the same room because he snores. I work full time, do all the grocery shopping, household shopping, cooking and cleaning. Guys – please give your wife a reason to not just have what you contribute to the household hired out. Because I have a checkbook.

  203. Lane says:

    Wow. I have to hand it to you guys. You’ve created an awesome comment section here! My wife read through some of this and texted me “I am learning that when I get stressed out, I shut down. I need somehow to find a way to not act that way.”

    Isn’t she the best?

    OK, I’ve found that many women totally misunderstand sex, especially when they try to come at it from a man’s perspective (of course that’s understandable).

    Ladies, for men, sex is not everything… it isn’t you OR sex. Sex is about YOU! What you learned in HS is BS… remember… those were kids. We are men, and sex is about YOU. We love you, so we’ll abstain if you need that. But can you understand that you’re asking us to abstain from you?

    I realize that there are a lot of different situations out there, so this won’t apply to everyone. But I’ve found that generally speaking, among men who really go out of their way to love their wives… the wives don’t really understand what sex is to a man. Not just a great time… its a great woman. The woman he loves.

    • Rico says:

      Good post.

      Elsewhere on the interweb someone posited it as such:

      “Dear Abby,

      My husband says he loves me, would do anything for me, finds me hot and desirable, and wants to make love to me.

      How do I make him stop?”

  204. Lane says:

    My wife emailed this to me:

    “Reading through the tread I realized once again how awesome you are and what we have. I’m sorry for the times I’m too wrapped up in myself to love you the way you deserve. I never want to stand still. I want to keep moving and journeying together. Forward hand in hand. <3"

    Now, doesn't that make a man just want to do ANYTHING for his wife?

  205. MrRudy says:

    Here is an interesting video that talks about gender roles in relationships. It makes perfect sense.

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=endscreen&NR=1&v=oFhg4jij_kw

  206. cjc says:

    …reading through the comments of the men who’ve really put their ALL into getting things “fixed”…

    Afters years of being rejected and trying counselling, etc…I would be bitter and jaded too…

    I have a thought. Nobody likes to be wrong. This is a basic truth in life. Maybe the wives in question are just waiting for the husband to be the quitter? Could they be so psychologically messed up that they would make your life hell…for YEARS…just to NOT be the one that says IT’S OVER? I dunno. Just a thought. Then they can hate you for the rest of your life because you screwed up a “perfect” family…but then…you’ve got your self-respect back and you’re not waiting on anyone hand and foot who does not deserve it. The kids need a father AND mother who are happy to be role models more than they need parents who don’t love each other living unhappily ever after.

    If having the family together is very important then maybe this is the conversation that has to happen. Does she REALLY want a divorce because if she does not address the issue with any serious committment to resolution, then that is the only answer. Even it’s just her being stubborn (like I know I would incline to be if my husband asked for a divorce) that instigates the beginning of the end, then it’ll be the best answer to your problems…for all parties.

    And LANE, as a wife who’s had her share of temper tantrums and phases where I know I withhold sex because I’m pissed off at something…I am in the same boat as your wife right now. Things aren’t as bad as they sometimes seem…we can both be a-holes in our own ways, but knowing we want to be a-holes together is just as important…

    Life is what it is. Sometimes it sucks, but then we live through it and move on. I wish you gentlemen the best of luck and I hope your wives “wake up” to work on a solution together…or that you can both find someone to share your lives with that you want and deserve…

  207. Pebbles says:

    Hey, well that very last part is right about it being more cautious as to not end in the same painful result. lol but jeeze my husband gained alot of weight too, he just doesnt give a crap. I wish he would put in the effort to lose the weight. i sure as hell did. Im on my second round of insanity. but he doesnt put in any effort and expects me to always want to. not to mention chasig the baby around all day. every day and night. Try spicing things up a bit. change the plays since the game seems to have changed. If the same things aent working theyre probably getting old. Hope things get better.

  208. Violet says:

    Childbirth can be a very painful and scary experience for some women I thought I was going to die when I was in labor with my first son. I beleive I would pass out from the pain for a few minutes here and there, at least I thik I did because some things were hazy and then I would look at the clock and 10 minutes would have passed.I was crying and scared and the bitch nurse on duty would not give me anything for the pain because I was not dilated enough.. She even had the nerve to tell me what I was feeling was not pain but “pressure”. HORRIBLE EXPERIENCE. I was guilty of not having the same sex drive I used to. The biggest reasons. 1. everthing was still very tender even after they said it was ok to return as usual. 2. I was very tired all the time from the new demands. THE BIGGEST REASON. I was terrified of becomeing pregnant again. The experience was one that can leave you scarred for life. My second child came about 3 years after the first and I was in just as much pain but it went by so much quicker and I had a little better understanding of what to expect. It also helped that I had better nurses and Doc.

  209. enzo says:

    Get used to the fact that children change your lives forever and it will never be the same again. I love my three kids more than anything in the world and i work my tail off at work and at home but no matter what my wife never initiates anything remotely sexual and could care less about my attempts to. We had sex 3 times last year….this year twice and its october. Marraige and children kill your sex life so you have 3 options….1. Cheat which i would never do no matter what 2. Leave which again i would not do and 3. Get used to a sexless marraige

  210. I just stumbled upon this blog and actually linked this post to my website/blog today as it’s in my wheelhouse of topics. Great stuff, really. After reading the comments, it really seems a common thread between kids, sex, marriage and the gender differences. Whole threads on similar topics exist at forum TalkAboutMarriage.com, and it’s depressing. I highly recommend a couple of resources for men who find themselves in this situation (and have no vested interest in either). The books “No More Mr. Nice Guy” by Dr. Glover and “Married Man Sex Life Primer 2011″ by Athol Kay. Both have websites (free) as well which are very valuable. These (and other resources) have helped me and a lot of other men grow in who they are and help address some of these issues. There’s no need to be in a sexless marriage and before giving up, try these resources.

  211. Dan says:

    So I have left everything a whopping 7 weeks and thought going out and buying a lot of sexy lube and condoms would instantly spark the fires of lust back in my wife. Didn’t seem to happen though. I think I may have skipped a step and should try working out first, although nightly sessions of pacing up and down the house has got my guns blazing now and I feel that the gut i have developed is useful for balancing tiny humans on so should be overlooked as a necessity!!

  212. MrRudy says:

    I commend you guys and I envy your perseverance. I am not as strong willed as any of you are. I have left the home and I have focused my attention on bettering myself. I’ve dropped 30 pounds since my first post and I exercise daily. Cardio 3X’s a week and weights between cardio days – my old routine. My wife continues to be a mystery to me and she refuses to answer direct questions regarding our relationship or to go to counseling. I’m willing to accept that it is my own fault and as such, I need to move on. My boys are at the “be just like dad” age so it breaks my heart to leave but I can’t just be her roommate anymore. So I don’t have any advice or words of wisdom to leave you all. It just seems like marriage isn’t for everyone and the pain certainly isn’t worth it for me.

  213. Cassandra says:

    Maybe she just needs an eye exam ;D

  214. Thisisnotmyname says:

    My husband completely understands. We are in the same situation as what you wrote. Here are my reason why I don’t “feel” like having sex anymore: I don’t feel as attractive (still losing the baby weight and have a crap load of stretch marks- and stretchy skin), I’m not as lubricated as I once was and admitting this to the internet is far easier than actually going to the store and buying a lubricate (I’m 25! I shouldn’t need a lubricate!!!!) and I’m home with 3 monkeys every. single. day.

  215. Jreenfin says:

    Here is my experience: my husband and I tried for years to get pregnant and when it finally happened it was the worst experience of my life…I couldn’t keep down anything and if I even smelled food I ended up with my head in the nearest toilet (if I was lucky and made it that far). I ended up in the hospital a few times just for ivs because I was so dehydrated and was losing so much weight! Finally after 6 moths of that the constant vomiting stopped and then i was constantly in the bathroom because someone was kicking my bladder. Holding my 9.6lb baby boy after 9 months of hell & a c-section was worth it but I never wanted to do that again…well at least not any time soon. So 3 months later after having sex 1 time I was pregnant again & I was my happy. This time it was only 4 months of constant vomiting so not as bad…but still not a pleasant experience. My husband got a vasectomy after my daughter was born because there was no way in hell he was ever going to touch me again unless I knew pregnancy couldn’t be the end result. Needless to say a miracle happened and when my daughter was 5 months old I was pregnant again. He of course thought I was crazy and went and got tested again and what do you know his swimmers broke down the damn. So after 3 kids, 3 c-sections, a vasectomy, a tubal ligation & a breast reduction (they grew permanantly with each pregnancy) we have great sex again because he tells me how beautiful I am – scars, stretchmarks & all – and making a baby is the furthest thing from my mind when it’s nakie time. If I can’t relax & enjoy the moment – its not going to happen.

  216. Nicole says:

    I rememeber TRYING to have sex during the end of my pregnancy and dead in the middle stopping and saying to eachother “This isn’t working.” There was no sex to be had without a crane or some other hoisting device. Sex-y.

    Then after the birth you’re tired and fat. The fattest I had ever been and it wasn’t sexy either.

    Now years later we are trying to have a baby and my husband who normally begged for it, is suddenly tired. Huh?

    Turns out he was afraid our trying would be succeeding. Then I was “tired” because I had a miscarriage and I was afraid our trying would be succeeding and losing again.

    it’s a vicious cycle but as long as we keep the lines of communication open and I let him know that it’s not him, it’s his sperm, I think we are all good.

  217. bj says:

    Slightly off-topic.. two things. We are unable to make love any more after my husband became quadriplegic in a car accident. Our intimate life (and so much else) killed by a woman who’d had one too many joints that night.. three years down the track, we are slowly returning to our previous joyful physical connection through non-sexual means. We are unable to lie together, and cannot hug or kiss properly because I have a bad back, and he is in a chair or a hospital bed. Too many bits of metal and bolts and rails getting in the way. We try to hold hands a lot and we work to make good eye contact with each other all the time. This makes a connection that touches my heart.

    I recall early days with babies and being scared to make love in case my vagina didn’t feel right to my husband. From where I am now this is kind of sweet, and kind of sad. Because now it would be a luxury to have such a worry..

    and..

    it used to drive me MAD that my (previous) husband would help in the house and do things for me, but expected firstly to be told what to do (duh), and then to be THANKED for it. I didn’t expect (or need) thanks for my time spent with the kids, in the house, making and keeping my family environment the way we liked it. So I’m voting for all of us to give a bit of unconditional support. We are all only human..

    • Lane says:

      This is a very moving story. Thanks for sharing. Your perspective is spot on. Love is really about service, humility and gratitude.

  218. I.Get.It says:

    We just had our second child 3 months ago. I kind of joke off the sex thing with a ‘your so gross’ or ‘cut it out’, because Im just not there yet. But I have to say, after reading the men’s side of this I see things a little differently. My husband owns 2 businesses and works his rear off for us and our family. We have a beautiful home and he never says no to me. No matter how outlandish my requests. We love each other. It might be different now then it was we were first together but I wouldn’t have it any other way. These babies have given us more joy and laughter then ever before.

    So last night, at 1:30am when everyone was snoring, including him and I was reading the comments of other wives it dawned on me… it’s really not as big of a deal I was making it out to be. So I snuggled up and enjoyed my husband :) I just did it. And yes, a child woke up in the middle of things and we laughed. This morning he was happy and so was I.

    So ladies, whatever is holding you back.. just go for it. I did and today Im smiling thinking of it.

    Best of luck to all!

  219. about2giveup says:

    There seems to be more excuses than solutions. “I’m fat and don’t feel sexy”. “He doesn’t clean the house unless I ask him to”. “I worried about one if the kids catching us”. What about a man that had the vasectomy, has ALWAYS cleaned the house and dealt with the kids and other household chores, i.e. cooking, laundry, bills, errands, shopping, lawn maintenance, trash, repairs, vehicle upkeep, homework, AND held down a full time job in the process from DAY 1?!? All the while, ensuring his wife that she was the reason for his true happiness, that she’s absolutely beautiful in his eyes. Hell, I’m tired too from busting my hump everyday, ALL day, and still…………nothing. Romance never made her feel about me the way I felt (note the past tense) about her. It still doesn’t. I used pick up small things to let her know I’m thinking of her. 4 years is a long time to go without some sort of intimacy between 2 people who are SUPPOSED to love each other unconditionally. I see a lot of stories here about how wonderful the wives sex lives are. WTF?!?! I think you’re on the wrong blog.

  220. Gayle says:

    So sorry what a awful life to live. I say it is time to move on…

  221. Anon says:

    He has a point, Gayle. Scroll up and read your earlier post. It was a list of conditions that you suggest a man ought to try to encourage the wife.

    Did you do the dishes right?
    Did you take out the trash?
    Did you buy hr flowers?
    Did you buy her some jewelry?
    Did you tell her how beautiful she is?
    Take out to dinner and a movie?
    Did you listen to her talk about her day (be careful, because “listening” has its own rules and you must “listen” in just the right way for it to count)?
    Is Venus in the proper conjunction with Sagitarius?
    Are all of her worries about cleaning, the kids, and world peace taken care of before you try to make your move?

    If so, you might have a chance! If not, sorry, you aren’t getting any… Ever.

    I can see that some men are slobs who are lazy. In that case you may have a point. And you may be right that it is time for about2giveup to move on. But some of the “conditions” that some women foist upon men before they’re willing to be physical are simply selfish entitlementism.

    • Gayle says:

      I am not saying men are lazy slobs. We as stay at home moms need a little help with our job sometimes so we can relax with our man. about to give up has done all he can do and nothing. It is over. My husband works 58 hours a week. I stay home with 4 babies 10,9,5 and 4 months. I home school the 3 oldest and find time for my man. I love him for going to that poophole of a job he has and he loves me for taking such good care of our babies! We don’t get to go out alone but we have our dates. My heart bust every time I see him. He does a little her and there and it just makes me smile.I make sure he has clean clothes, and when I make dinner he has food to eat when he gets home at 2:30 a.m. and I pack his lunch for the next day. It is the least I can do I wish I could do more for him. I wasn’t able to mow this year all big and prego but I did everything else. He always ties my shoes when I get so big with our babies. I love having babies with him. It is give and take 50/50 that is how it works. He bust his butt at work I bust mine at home and we meet in the bedroom. We always make time for each other even if it is just to fall asleep beside each other.What I worte early to someome else was just a what if this might help. I have seen to many guys get crapped on like about2give I know how that turns out.

    • Gayle says:

      To Anon::
      This was my post you told me to reread so I did. I said nothing about flowers I hate flowers! I only have my wedding band! I NEVER said any of that!!! All I want is my mans arms wrapped around me!! We get so little time to talk 3 breaks a night and we talk about who is having the best night! not Before he leavesfor work we have four kids between us and at 2:30 in the a.m. when he gets home we make the most of our time. My 13 year old son takes out the trash! My kids help me clean house and do the dishes.We take the kids when we go out to dinner and the movies! So all I need is the kids to go to bed! Flowers die,jewelry is just braging rights look how much my man loves me. Not for me! It is in his kiss and hugs oh my God how he hugs that is what I am about!!! I am the sex beast in the pair! I am the one who needs it 3 times a day! I am the one who thinks I will die with out it! But you know what the sex we do get to have is the best I have ever felt complete, so I have learned to wait till he is not so tried and streesed out from that damn job of his. Because he loves me!That is all I need. I am not the best wife but I do my damnest!!!

      Gayle says:

      October 17, 2012 at 1:50 pm

      Wow you got it bad. Okay lets go out on a limb here. Have you cleaned the house? When the house is clean the kids are happy we feel so free!!!!!! There is no bigger turn on than a man who cooks and cleans! I am a stay at home mom,4 kids ages 13 boy,9 girl,5 boy,and 4 month old boy and Home school 3 of them!My hubby works 58 hours a week when he helps put the clothes up watch out!! lol So make sure she has time to clean herself up alone no looking and no kid tell her to put on her fav music and turn it up. That clean house, nice dinner and a movie (something that will make her laugh her ass off) Should really help her feel like she has everything under control. When we have everything done,we smell good and look good! Let the wild woman FREE!!!! Good luck

  222. Anon says:

    It’s just frustrating. I’ve been reading about this issue all over the net, and it’s almost like the typical IT department’s standard response when your computer is acting up. “Did you reboot?”

    I’ve waded through hundreds of articles on this issue and the female response, at least initially, is that there must be something the man isn’t doing that is causing the problem. about2giveup has posted the things he does for his wife, and I’ve posted a partial list of the things I do as well. My wife has it as easy as she wants it, and chose to stay at home with our son. I fully supported her in that decision. I, too, work 10+ hour days, choosing to start my day extra early (done with the gym and in the office by 6:30) so that I can be home at a normal hour. I’ve come to the conclusion that all this advice about buying gifts, going to dinners, figuring out the exact way to listen to your wife, or about how sexy a man is who does laundry is a bunch of BS. Pure and total BS. None of that will cure a frigid, selfish woman who simply doesn’t give a rat’s behind about her man. 50/50 doesn’t work in our household, and it sounds like it’s not working in about2giveup’s household, either.

    But to have those notions be the first things suggested to men – i.e. that there’s something more THEY could do around the house or to flatter their wife, or that there is something they aren’t doing right – if they could just jump through that one last hoop, maybe the wife would open up. Hogwash.

  223. M says:

    In the months after having a baby the combination of hormones and exhaustion really will make it difficult to get back into the swing of things but it’s doable with effort and communication from both sides.

    Once you’re talking about YEARS without sex when you’re otherwise responsible (not abusive, helps with housework, good father, etc) the answer to why your wife won’t have sex with you is simple:

    SHE’S NOT ATTRACTED TO YOU.

    Barring any actual medical causes of course. The suggestions mentioned here like doing chores, listening to her, giving gifts and so on are necessary but not sufficient. These will build COMFORT but not ATTRACTION.

    It’s not very attractive to most women when they have someone begging and pleading with them for sex. That comes across as you being a pathetic loser. Date nights and pity sex won’t work if you don’t make her vagina tingle.

    What you can do is figure out what made you attractive to her in the first place and do more of that. Working out, getting a hobby, and acting more confident will either increase her attraction to you or at least put you in a position to find a better wife once you divorce.

    I would highly recommend the book Married Man Sex Life by Athol Kay. The blog and forum is a great resource too. Here’s a good post to start with: http://marriedmansexlife.com/2010/01/the-basics-part-1-what-the-hell-happened/

    • Mr Rudy says:

      Bloody hell. The very things that makes men marriage material and good husbands also neuters them. Brilliant. You can’t win.

    • Anon says:

      Yeah, M, I’ve read both Athol’s MMSL and NMMNG. The thing is, which relates to my point, is that their suggestions are complete 180 degrees opposite from what the women on here are suggesting. That’s the part I’m calling BS.

      • M says:

        “their suggestions are complete 180 degrees opposite from what the women on here are suggesting”

        I would guess the women above who suggest those are either A) really understandably tired but are still basically attracted to their husbands and just need some sleep and choreplay to get going or B) subconciously looking for excuses not to have sex and feeling defensive about it.

        I know it seems like BS to you but a lot of people (both male and female) just aren’t aware of what they find attractive on a physical level.

    • Lane says:

      I have to say that on every level, this is a pretty lame excuse. Marriage is a little more grown up, or at least is supposed to be. The attraction described here is very superficial. Love that brings intimacy is also a 2 way street. The woman described in this scenario is made out to be an obnoxiously selfish butch. And while no one likes self pity, this is a marriage we’re talking about where a little more maturity is expected.

  224. Gayle says:

    Wow! That nailed it! lol I was talking to my hubby last night when he got home and I said if people would put up all the computers and smart phones and turn off the tv and get back to the basic it might be alright! The candle has burned out. Fire that sucker up Make them want you! We have four kids and the last thing we want to do is lose each other! I grab his butt he grabs my boobs! We grab each other when ever we can and slap each others hands and say how dare you I not the type! lol My fave is when right before he goes to work he gives me that kissssss that makes me tingle then runs out the door! That drives me all day can’t wait till he gets home. We don’t do this stuff everyday but we try! I tell him he is my boy toy! He is my sport car I love to drive! I will say this I hate my body!!! But I love that man! You have to keep that person in love with you. You have to never lose that first kiss feeling, that first sex feeling. And if you do lose it as a couple bend over backwards to get it back!! It is that whole thing shape up or ship out! Lets get it back together wake up women and men you have someone who loves you! Don’t let them get away. Flash that smile ladies you are the ONE!!!! It is not about the woman on tv and how they look. They married you!!Not them! Love the one that loves you! Be sexy for each other.Smile everyday at your mate and say I still love YOU!!

    • Lane says:

      You’re right on Gayle. Nice to hear it from a lady. I thank God that my wife listens to me and responds. And I listen to her, and I respond. For us, its 100/100; not 50/50. It is amazing how sex makes a relationship fun. Arbitrarily take sex away and marriage becomes a friendship (unless its because of other circumstances). It’s really the only thing that is different from a marriage anyway. I can’t/won’t have sex with my friends. That’s for my wife only. Its something only we share. Doesn’t that make sex a little special?

      I tell my wife I love her, I adore her, and I do everything I can to make her life a little easier and let her know she is loved and infinately special. All I ever ask of her is to love me. I don’t ask her to do the laundry or dishes. She does… but it isn’t anything I lord over her. She homeschools 4 kids and busts her ass at home for our family. But she also acknowledges my needs and responds.

      It took a few times around during different phases of our relationship to help her understand just how important physical affection is to me. But she loves me, so she puts effort into learning about me. And that is what spouses do. We learn about what is important to each other, and we do our best to put our efforts into that. At least, that is one dimension of successful marriages.

      I also respect her fertility. I don’t push chemical contraceptives down her throat that make her libido nonexistent. How could I complain about a woman’s low libido when I expect her to suppress ovulation that naturally makes her horny? Yeesh. When she ovulates… wow.

  225. Alisa says:

    Wow, such a loaded and touchy subject…
    As the wife in this scenario, with a boy who’s almost three…reading the comments made me feel both sad and frustrated and sort of lost.
    I wish I could give my hubby advice on what to do so I want more sex – but I can’t, because I don’t know myself. He is a pretty typical guy – he provides, he lets me stay at home, and helps out when I ask him – but not very willingly and kind of doing the bare minimum.
    However, as much as I might like more help from him…I am going to be totally honest and admit that even if he did everything around the house and I had nothing to do except polish my nails all day…I still doubt my sex drive would increase. I might be more WILLING to put out – but that’s not the main issue here, as I do regularly anyway – I try not to deny DH whenever I can and he doesn’t complain of not getting it enough. The REAL problem however is the fact that I still don’t WANT it – and he can tell. It’s the quality, not so much the quantity that’s the problem for him. For whatever reason – and I suspect it’s largely hormonal – after having my son my libido just disappeared entirely. And mind you, I’ve never really had much of a high one to begin with. Truth is my attitude to sex was always take it or leave it – but in the years before getting pregnant it was fairly easy for me to get into it once we started, to get turned on and enjoy it. Now, though, it’s a chore. It’s not because I’m tired – though I am, but rest doesn’t change things. I don’t feel bad about my body – I take care of myself, dress nicely and wear makeup, and have actually lost more weight than is healthy due to running around after a toddler and forgetting to eat. But as much as I like looking good for hubby when I’m all dolled up, I don’t want it leading to sex. Because during sex, I feel inadequate when my body just doesn’t respond. I’m not physically sensitive to stimulation, and when I’m not getting turned on, attempts on his side to do so just create aversion. I just don’t want to even be touched. He senses it of course, and gets upset because he doesn’t just want sex – he wants me to WANT sex – which is of course the one thing that I can’t force myself to do no matter how much I’d like to…though I try my best not to show it and to ACT into it – it’s hard, and makes the whole thing so much more chore-like, and makes me want to avoid it even more…I love my husband and I’m terrified of losing him of sometime down the road he gets sick of this and wants a woman with an actual sex drive. But there’s absolutely nothing whatsoever I can do about it, and it makes me want to cry. I really wish I had a healthy libido…but it’s like I’ve got the female version of ED or something. Just wanted to throw it out there so guys can see it’s not always something the woman – or you, for that matter! – can control.

    • about2giveup says:

      Alisa,
      You’re offering insight from the woman’s point of view that wants to be there but just has no desire, however a visit to your local endocrinologist or whatever you call the doctor that specializes in hormones, can test you and perhaps offer a remedy for your situation. You love your husband and want to be with him You say you’ve never had a strong sex drive and that’s possibly due to a hormonal imbalance. If you really wanted to give it everything YOU’VE got to offer, like your husband…you should go see one. There’s still hope for you. He hasn’t thrown in the towel as of yet. There’s still time to salvage your marriage. Don’t let this opportunity pass you by….you could end up just like the wives of us poor bastards on this site. Bitter, cold, not wanting to be touched (at least by their husbands anyhow) and on the road to growing old alone.

    • Lane says:

      You might want to look into NFP (Natural Family Planning). It can help you know your body better. As a man, I probably know my wife’s cycles better than most women know their own. Phase 1, Phase 2, and Phase 3 are all different phases for a woman. Different things are happening in each phase.

      My wife an I use NFP, so we talk alot about her cycles. When she’s fertile, when she isn’t, when she’s about to menstrate, when she’s about to ovulate. All those things mean something to a woman’s overall makup. That communication is a great marriage builder too. We don’t use hormonal contraceptives. They lower a woman’s libido significantly. It’s a side effect.

      Anyway, you shuold look it up and see if it can help you alongside healthy nutrition that will balance your hormones.

      By the way, I often don’t want to go to work in the morning, but I do it happily for my family. It took years for me to gain the discipline and attitude behind it, but my wife and children are worth it. I think its the same for women. Or can be. It can take a while to grow into the ways we want to be.

    • Mr Rudy says:

      I call it the “pair of old shoes” syndrome. No matter how you look at a pair of old shoes (your husband), they are just a pair of old shoes – not very exciting in the slightest. The best way to prevent this is to never let him earn the title of “old shoes” (really a team effort however. He has to do his part also). Because a “new pair of shoes” a woman is all over and excitedly so, and that’s a fact both figuratively and literally

      Men happen to prefer old shoes ironically and only get new ones when no other options are available to keep the old ones.

  226. noname says:

    Hello everybody,

    I have read many of the posts and replys over the last few days and finally gathered the courage to write myself. Reading made me feel much better, showed me that I am not the only one with such a problem.

    I have experienced the wife changing completely after the birth of our child. Now she wants another one so the only time when she sees me as a man is when she thinks she can get pregnant (I don’t think it is a good ideea).
    I have heard the usual excuses and reasons such as being tired, hormones, me not being romantic and many other more creative ones. I have had her stop in the middle of the foreplay to just fall asleep. Not only once and every time she said it is my fault for not taking care about her “real” needs. But if I dare to be tired it is a tragedy that requires tears and screaming until I give in. And I am so tired…
    Sometimes many months pass between sexy times. Not years yet. But I have made a habit of counting the days and hoping to break the record.
    I don’t see the wife as the nice girl I married but as another responsibility that I have to deal with. Any sex is better than no sex, I take what I can and tought myself to not want it anymore.

    Reading the posts was really good.

  227. G says:

    Charlie,

    I read most of the comments on this page, and while I hope your sex life has improved, all I can say is ignore what the women say. “pay attention to what a woman does, not what she says”. Women will tell you what they think they want, but they respond to something else. There was a comment about Athol Kay’s advice being the opposite of what all the women were saying. Does that surprise you? If it does, then I suggest you investigate marriedmansexlife.com. You have a lot to learn. You made a comment that you didn’t have women chasing you. If no other woman wants you, why would your wife? Men change their behavior when they have kids, and women are aroused by certain behaviors. If women aren’t chasing you, then you aren’t attractive to women, and that includes your wife. Trust me. I’ve been where you were when you met your wife, been where your are now, and I am back to where it’s like my wife and I are dating(well, almost:)

    You need to learn Charisma (see “private man”:) and learn to seduce your wife.

    As for Neela, who eventually saw the error of her ways. If men only want their wives for sex, couldn’t the men also say that the women only wanted their husbands for:

    1) sperm
    2) money and help

    I realize she recanted her rant, but nobody called her out on the obvious. A woman uses sex to get a husband, like it or not, and a husband has every right to expect that to continue – or basically it was a bait and switch.

    You may or may not get back to the point where you have a great sex life, but it can be really good. However, it’s time for you to learn the difference between alpha and beta traits (see athol) and decide to up the alpha. This doesn’t mean domineering, it means dominant, and there is a big difference. Dominant means attractive. Learn to answer her fitness tests. If you don’t know what that is, google ‘fitness tests” and “sh*t tests”. Don’t be shocked at where that search may land you. Some sites will be out there, but read with an open mind. Now, if you really want to learn something about your wife, spend some time reading http://www.rationalmale.wordpress.com

  228. Bob says:

    Only 187 days? I realize this post is old, but I’m going on over 3 years with my wife. Married 25 years and still love each other, but she literally doesn’t ever want to have sex again!

    I worship her and do everything I can to make sure she’s comfortable. She doesn’t have to work, and doesn’t outside of the home… I’m kind, caring, and she says there’s nothing more I can do… she’s simply not interested.

    So, a word from the ‘wise’ so to speak. Get over it, or get out. I’m committed to never having sex again, with the love of my life… but most women change eventually, and that’s just the way it is! Period!

    Sorry for the gloomy reality check.

  229. Quin says:

    y husband doesn’t put out enough but he watches porn… what’s up with that? can he throw me a “bone”?

    • Are We Not Men says:

      What’s “not enough?” I’d venture to guess the emotional intimacy is weak? Do you guys do fun stuff together? Are you excited about each other?

  230. Andrew says:

    I feel for you there, I haven’t made love to my wife since our baby boy was born in July, and I have tried everything from hireling cleaners to having family and a nanny watch our son to give her a break and been nothing but understanding about everything. I work about 210 to 250 hours a month plus I have to travel to other states and still nothing I have even spoke with her about it and she just says she doesn’t feel sexy anymore I say don’t bother man it won’t happen by anything you do I have done it all from buying gifts (including sexy underwear and outfits) to looking after bub and holidays I even considered leaving my job and working alot less and being home but she said that wouldn’t help so take it from me you just got to sit on the sideline till she is ready maybe get to know mrs Palmer and her daughters

  231. a reader says:

    There’s a subreddit with a similar topic, “DeadBedrooms”, and recently they were addressed by a sex educator in this blog post: http://www.thedirtynormal.com/2012/12/01/for-the-deadbedrooms-subredditors/
    Might be helpful.

  232. a reader says:

    There’s a subreddit with a similar topic, “DeadBedrooms”, and recently they were addressed by a sex educator in this blog post: http://www.thedirtynormal.com/2012/12/01/for-the-deadbedrooms-subredditors/
    Might be helpful.

  233. just some guy says:

    I think having a third member (no pun intended) in the play area down there really rattles people. There are the hormones, lack of sleep and the weigh gain. My wife is a blissfully petite, young flower that has bounced back all but a kg or so after just a couple of months. Having our son, let’s just call him “birth control” for now, in the other side of the house… the occasional moan from him or small cry can crash a mood carefully crafted. We are “back on the horse” so to speak, but I think that is the result of my trying to focus on her feeling beautiful more than trying to close the deal, so to speak.

    Work on their mind, my friends, the body follows it.

  234. Lea says:

    As a stay at home mom of 3 children under 5 years old, I will tel you that part of why I am not in the mood nearly as much is… I AM DOWNRIGHT EXHAUSTED! lol. It may not seem like work, but trust me it is. Since I stay at home, I do most of all the housework and cleaning. I have FIVE people to clean up after. 5 peoples loads of laundry to wash, dry, fold, put away…. usually by the end of the day I am exhausted. The kids are finally in bed and I am afraid of them waking randomly also… our minds are all over the place I think, a womans mind is like that to begin with, but with kids in the house, even worse…. lol… thats just my experience…

    • wtf?really? says:

      But how fair is that to us guys. I stayed at home with our toddler for 5 months and yes it was a hard job. I was going to school full time as well. If hormones are to blame then we aren’t meant to be monogamous? If we are romantic should we get some just because? If we communicate our feelings could get some there. There isn’t. One thing to blame here. But it seems like a cycle that only two people can stop together not by blaming one or mostly the man ( as most of this blog does).

      • Seriously? says:

        I think the focus of this blog is what a man can do because it is written from a man’s perspective. And, you know, that’s the only thing you can control – your own behaviour. You certainly can’t dictate anyone else’s.

        Women feeling too exhausted isn’t “fair” to “us guys”, but nor is it fair that your child’s mother is constantly exhausted from a needy child and all you do is add an extra whiny need on top of that.

        Maybe ask your partner what she would like (with no expectation that it will lead to sex). Maybe she wants a back rub, maybe she wants a foot massage, hell, maybe she wants to go to sleep early. Once you engage in your relationship, you might find different results than ‘I want sex and why won’t you give it to me?’ Because you sound like another toddler.

    • MrCead says:

      It’s called the martyr complex (or something like that) where one feels one has to do all of this work or not be fulfilled or seen as doing enough to please a self imposed standard (self imposed as in a choice to agree to comply). Some women do this in order to avoid their husbands (and sex) altogether with a valid reason/excuse and therefore never have to address any relationship problems because there is so much work to do. There are much better ways to do the chores (laundry drop off, time management, letting the man clean HIS way without comment or judgement – ha ha) but most women would refuse or feel insulted to have them suggested. Women generally compromise but only as a last resort. The problem is therefore not a “workload” problem but a desire problem. I have dated women who have very busy work / home schedules but somehow manage to meet up with me for sex – but I’m not married to them – the big difference.

      It’s mostly about desire. How to get it back? It may not be possible, not in a modern society that promotes single parenthood as a solution to marriage problems anyway.

      Think about an exit plan. I did. The cost was very high (family is not together anymore) but you can’t force a person to change or expect them to change for you – this is reality. Think about what is important to you. Don’t waste your time. I waited 13 years and tried what I could to fix my marriage but as soon as I realized it was just one “excuse” after another, I understood what was happening, so I left. I ruined her “ideal marriage” by being myself. I then wondered, “who was I supposed to be?” Not everyone is cut out for marriage, marriages are not supposed to last forever – in reality they don’t. I understand this now. “Staying together whilst married” does not a marriage make. It has to mean something other than a legal status.

      • Are We Not Men says:

        “Women generally compromise but only as a last resort.” I agree. I think people — both men and women — who say I have no energy or desire left say so because they’ve chosen to make everything else a priority, and sex and intimacy is at the bottom. It’s less important than having clean laundry and a clean kitchen.

    • Are We Not Men says:

      Lea

      I’m aware of how much work is required to be the stay-at-home-parent, and how you have so little left at the end of the day. But the same thing can be said for many jobs. You come home tired and stressed, and you’re expected to jump right into helping screaming whining kids, help make dinner, clean up, then do the bills. Ultimately it boils down to whether each partner is willing to make intimacy and sex a priority — let the demands of homemaking and jobs be less of a priority, let some of those things get done imperfectly or not get done at all, so that you can have each other. I think often many people fail to make sex and intimacy a top priority, and blame the demands of their work at home or office.

  235. wtf?really? says:

    To the women in this blog be real be grown up. How would you feel if your husband told you he wouldnt kiss you or hug you if you didnt give him a blow job. You wouldn’t like it, would you? Well you ladies constantly say no you dont give consideration. To how that makes us feel. What ever it is? Its a mutual problem not his alone so please before you post wome malarkey about how he does not do this, ask yourself what is it you are not doing

  236. Lozza says:

    No man knows what its truley like to be a woman. And no woman knows what its truley like to be a man. On top of that a person can speak only on behalf of themself cos who is another person to know what is going on in their mind. Therefore all of you people getting mad with your partners need to make the effort to communicate and encourage your partner to do so too. Especially if you both want to save your relationship. If you can’t do it on your own, go to a counselor. Better yet, put your hands together and pray for help from the true counselor.

    Whether you are a person of faith or not- you need something to believe in. Even if its just a positive memory you share together. I’ve found when my husband and I wander as individuals and off the path of God, we have battles. But when we celebrate in Jesus’ name, we see each other and find it happier and more satisfying. If you both don’t have the same focus, you can’t expect to end up in the same place.

  237. Anna says:

    I have to suggest a book for this “The Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands” by Dr. Laura Schlessinger (http://www.amazon.com/Proper-Care-Feeding-Husbands/dp/0060520620). This book really makes us women/wives take a good hard look at how we are treating out men in an honest and blunt fashion, woman to woman. I applied just two of the tips that I found in this book and within a day my relationship with my man was SO much better, he felt loved and appreciated on a whole new level. If a relationship is struggling outside of the bedroom, it will struggle in the bedroom. Dr. Shlessinger’s approach to relationships is that if a woman learns to treat her man in a way that makes him feel like her knight and recognized for the hard work he does for us, then he’ll return that with a boat load of love. Ladies, it really is time we re-learn how to love, honor, and treat our men again. This really is a great book, if your struggling in a relationship or not. It can change your marriage in and out of the bedroom.

  238. It says 187 days since last sexual intercourse, must be KILLING him. lol c’mon man i feel your problem but 187…..187! thats too funny. hope you get some soon as it would be too much for me and i would have cheated :( youre a stronger man than me.

  239. Rabbit. says:

    im in the same boat. we have a 4 year old a 18 month old and a 7 month old. before we got married we went at it on a daily basis. now with three kids we work opposite days, get half a day off together and 15 minutes alone in the evenings. We wake up 2-5 times a night with the kids and are always tired. Not exactly a recipe for my wife being horney. I swear if I didn’t initiate sex we would only have one kid. Cant Entirely blame her. Im more concerned about a recipe for divorce due to lake of time and intimacy than lack of sex.

  240. Seriously? says:

    You know, your post was kind of nice to read when it is juxtaposed with all of the toddlers above whining ‘Why don’t I get sex???’ Obviously their wives totally find that behaviour attractive. But anyway, I digress.

    We had a really tough sleeper but once that got better, we both felt a little less exhausted and got the chance to spend more time together. Fortunately, I think it was before we lost interest in each other. Now, things are logistically tricky to organise late night dates/movies/etc, but it’s really nice when we both make the effort.

    Good luck. It’ll happen.

  241. Fred says:

    Whooooaaah I know this story, it happen to me. it’s been 4 years since my boy got birth and it’s not same thing. Get her to the bed and even touch her it’s a rare victory

  242. Thomas says:

    Going on three years for me. My wife is on anti-depressants that kill her urge. I’m not going to make her feel guilty about it, and I’m not the type of guy to step out. Sigh – I feel your pain. I guess I’m just doomed to a sexless life.

    • Are We Not Men says:

      Thomas: has your wife articulated her attitude about this? Is it, basically, “I have no urge, so you’re doomed. Sorry, deal with it”? Is she willing to do anything about it at all?

      • Joe says:

        Actually for years after the kids were born that’s exactly what my wife said. Followed by “Maybe in a few years i’ll feel different when the kids are more grown.” so far 5 years and waiting. We have sex maybe once or twice a year now because she really isn’t interested nor does she feel particularly obligated.

        • Thomas says:

          Actually – It’s kind of one of those things that have “been put in the happy box”. I’ve tried to bring it up once or twice, but have gotten either a shoulder shrug or a “I can’t help that” as a response. It’s not that she doesn’t love me, I know she does, but it’s just a non-subject for her. And I don’t want to push it because I don’t want her to feel guilt for something beyond her control. I’d rather be sex-free and have my wife free of depression than have her suffering.

          • Adam says:

            Love IS a choice. Not a feeling. When a woman knows the needs of her husband and chooses not to respond to them, she is choosing her comfort over love of her husband. When a husband doesn’t feel like doing something “anything” the woman wants, but does it anyway, he is CHOOSING to love her the way she wants and needs. The bottom line is, is your spouse your priority? IF the spousal relationship is the top most priority for both spouses, then everything else will fall in place. If my wife tells me she cares, and loves me, but she says she resents me because I can’t stop staring at her when she is undressed, she hides from me. And she is smoking hot, what am I supposed to do? We’re married for crying out loud! Would she rather me not be interested in her at all? Sometimes I think so! When I try to make a move on her, she always slaps my hand away or rolls over etc. When I inquire as to the reason, it’s because she resents me “trying” to initiate, or that I look at her naked…. what the freak is a man to do!!!!!!!!!!

  243. Louise says:

    I would also like to add that I am a woman with a 9 month old who cannot get any action either. It’s not only the dudes. I’m trying to work out like Charlie, but I don’t think it’ll work either! If you figure out a solution let me know, because I sure don’t have one!

  244. Aimee says:

    It’s seriously rough. My husband and I went through pretty much the same stages. The early fear of hurting the baby, then just kind of getting into a routine of not having sex that became the status quo. Then of course, there was the post-birth period. I would say it took about a year to get back on course. Now here I sit, pregnant again, pretty much going through the same steps all over again.

    And did I mention we cosleep and don’t have a guest room, so location is an issue on top of everything else.

  245. Anonymous says:

    It took me about 9 months to feel comfortable having sex with my husband.
    I finally lost the weight I gained on bedrest (I never told him how much I loathed that babyweight in fear of sounding like an Overly Senstive “Mom” lol) and I finally reached an agreement with my DD about “appropriate” sleeping habits (aka she was finally only waking up twice a night and somewhat sleeping in her own crib), oh and she was on solids and my boobs weren’t projectile spraying milk across the room :)

  246. earthangel says:

    This is such a great PSA, thanks for the candid forum. I love my husband. I still find him very attractive. Unfortunately the problem is mine, and after having our three kids I have no desire. It has nothing to do with anything that he does or doesn’t do. We have had several conversations about the fact that as we put it ‘my clicker is broken’, and he seems to be very understanding though I know it has to be frustrating for him. I wish there was an easy answer, many previous commenters were very cut and dry about what they expect on both sides of the arguement with very little thought on the other perspective. I suppose my questions to noone specifically are 1)do the husbands really want their wives to just give in and not really be fully invested in the moment, 2) is there anything else I can do to show him how much I love and aappreciate him, 3) and lastly, is my marriage eventually doomed because I truly feel incapable of unfaked (is that a word?) sex at this point?

  247. Yana says:

    deadly fun to read but it’s not funny in the real life at all, I know it ’cause I’m in the same position as your wife now: me and my husband… mmmmm… dunno what to say, I just have no power for all this sh*t, kids drunk all my blood and energy

  248. Jason says:

    You’re kidding, right?

  249. DubDub says:

    I’m going through a similar thing. My wife and I have only had sex once on the last 14 months. The only difference is that we’ve never had a good sex-life. We waited until after we were married (she was a virgin) before we did anything. Before we got pregnant, we’d been married for just over 5 years and I could probably count the number of time we’ve had sex since then.

    When she got pregnant, I started working out and running almoast every day to get my mind off of how horny I was. I actually los about five pounds durring her pregnancy. And it’s been 5 months since she had our baby and she is lighter and skinnier than before she got pregnant, and I think she is so hot now!

    Now, I think my wife is so attractive. She’s 24, tall, long legs, small waist, slender yet curvacious, sexy eyes, beautiful face, red-head. Everything that drives me mad with desire. Plus, she is my best friend! We have an amazing relationship. We have a closer, better, marriage than every other couple we know. I know her mind, I can tell when she’s hurting, especially when I hurt her, and I’m quick to admit when I was wrong. She loves me so much and I her. I do everything I can to make her happy, feel loved, and special. And she would do anything for me… except have sex.

    She hates it. She would rather have me suffer and be in physical pain than be intimate with me. I can’t kiss her or touch her because it puts me in agonizing pain. We tried a littl hanky-panky the other day, but she stopped our “fore-fore play” (he hadn’t gotten to heavy-petting yet) because her desire just went away. And that led us to have the conversation the other day and she felt bad that she was depriving me. She said that she doesn’t stop in the middle on purpose. She said that she loves me and thinks I’m sexy and attractive and asked if I believe her. After a minute of silence I said, “would you believe you?”.

    So yes, sex sucks, I hate it now too. The only I don’t castrate myself is the fact that she wants more children. I pray every night when I go to bed that I’ll have a wet dream, simply to relieve some pressure. I don’t know what to do either. I give everything to my wife,: time, love, tender touches, hugs all the time, kind words, I just wish she desired me a millionteenth the ammount that I desired her.

    • Adam says:

      You have my exact same story. I just want to be wanted, even a fraction of the amount I want her… “she just can’t do it”. Well if I had to jump infront of a bullet for my wife, trust me, I wouldn’t FEEL like it, but I would. Love is a choice.

  250. Thinker says:

    You should read The Female Brain by Dr. Luanne Brizendine. You’ll thank me. She’s a psychiatrist who has a gift for explaining the differences in our brain and why it makes us think and act differently. You can verify her information, but she puts it together in a great package, a very honest presentation.

    If you read it you will be spared some future pain. Well, at least it will be somewhat diminished.

    At least you’ll more clearly understand why you will never understand women.

  251. Laurie says:

    I found this site because I still feel a little guilty about not having sex with my husband, but I will no longer do something that I don’t want to do.
    I didn’t feel like sex while I was pregnant, but did it for my husband at least every 2 days. He still pestered me for it several times a day. When I got put on bedrest, he pestered me to help him get off. I did, in the same 2-3 day routine. When I had a natural birth with lots of damage, he still pestered me about it and I still relented every 2-3 days. When he left for a big job overseas I was SO HAPPY!! No more being pestered for sex like that was all I was good for!!! When he came back almost a year later, I was healed up but he was a minute man. The pestering started immediately and I went back to the 2-3 day routine. Why couldn’t he just give me a chance to want sex on my own terms? After a few months I told him I was done having sex with him because he was now terrible at it and I was tired of being his personal blow up doll. I stopped wanting any intimate contact because he taught me that anthing would lead to him begging for sex. He’s been trying to win me back by FINALLY helping with the house and baby, but he’s lazy about it. He’s picked up this new habit of being unable to hear me or remember anything I say, so he’s giving me no desire to keep this marriage going.
    It’s really sad, but I honestly won’t take fault with this. The imagined guilt is enough. Maybe one of these days he’ll “man-up” as a partner and parent and I can look at him sexually again. Until then, I’m good with my vibrator. He’s already been told that he can “go outside” the marriage. I don’t want to deprive him. I’d still love to save this marriage, but we’re not even good friends right now. Not sure he has what it takes to be what I need.
    Good luck to other people in this situation.

  252. Thinker says:

    Hi Laurie,
    Wow. You both need to understand each other much better. If your account is accurate and complete, then he’s made some significant mistakes. Perhaps you have, too.

    I mentioned the book “The Female Brain” by Dr. Brizendine. She also wrote “The Male Brain”. My wife liked it but I haven’t read it yet.

    They’re not cheap, but I’d recommend a workshop with Alison Armstrong. The web site is understandingmen.com. You can also see clips of old workshops on youtube.com.

    You said “I will no longer do something that I don’t want to do.” Now I understand he’s been somewhat of a dog and it would be interesting to hear his side of the story. But this 2 part article might help clarify things: http://www.dennisprager.com/columns.aspx?g=652609e7-f8fe-44d7-834c-7ad9904e41c0&url=when_a_woman_isnt_in_the_mood_part_i
    and
    http://www.dennisprager.com/columns.aspx?g=1fe5a8b3-daae-4edc-bcce-7042b43a2837&url=when_a_woman_isnt_in_the_mood_part_ii .
    Please note that he clearly states this is with a caring, loving husband.

    It’s interesting that you’ve told him he can go outside since you are that averse to having sex with him. There are a lot of husbands that wish their wife would do just that instead of torturing them with forced celibacy.
    Good luck.

    If you want the marriage to last the both of you will need to learn and make some changes. It will take significant effort.

  253. Alex Vescenza says:

    Game over, dude. Divorce the dumb bitch, abandon your kid, and go back to being a free man and fuck everything with a pulse.

  254. Daniel says:

    not sure what to make of it but it sounds like you handed your balls over to her. maybe you should take the kid and kick the bitch to the curb. No sex = No place for her to sponge off. You look like you’re in good shape and there are lots of women out there who would go crazy for a dad with a baby who looks like you .

    Good Luck

  255. SA says:

    So I’m pregnant again (second time, and a high risk pain-in-the-ass kind of pregnancy, but that’s another story for another day). When we first had Sam, my libido suffered. Then it started to bounce back, particularly when I wised up and made Sam sleep in his own damn room. I love him more than anything I could have possibly imagined, but I realized that by not giving ourselves grown-up-people space, our marriage was going to suffer. And of course, in my infinite stupidity, when Sam was only 9 months old, and the sex was just getting good again, I thought to myself, “Hey, you know what would be awesome? ANOTHER baby!” So I begged and pleaded until my wonderful husband couldn’t deal with my whining anymore and caved. And my speech about how it would probably take a while for me to get pregnant anyway was for naught, because not 6 weeks later, I was told I was already 5 weeks pregnant by my OB. I should’ve expected it, as we were only married for 4 months when Sam was conceived, and I WAS ON THE PILL AT THE TIME. (Yes, ladies and gents, you can totally knock a lady up while she’s on the pill, that shiz is only something like 99% effective. Which means 1 in 100 women taking the pill is going to get pregs. Think about it. And then buy condoms.) So clearly my husband has supersperm and I have some kind of superhumanly fertile parts. My desire to have sex went yet again, only this time it was worse. Literally, when my husband so much as gave me a hug or touched my arm, I wanted to punch him in the face. I didn’t so much as want to be breathed on. And I couldn’t understand it, and I felt (and still feel) so UNBELIEVABLY guilty. My brain and my heart are saying that all I want to do is be with my husband, to be held, to satisfy his needs, to give him everything, all the time, because he is incredible. But my hormones literally make me want to throw up at the thought. If there were some kind of magic cure, I would pay top dollar for it. But I just wanted to make sure you know, it’s not that your wife doesn’t want to. Believe me, she does. It really sucks, and it’s frustrating, and really pisses me off, all the time. And I know it sounds like some kind of cop-out to blame everything on the hormones. But it’s true. There is nothing worse than having absolutely no control over your own body anymore; you just feel trapped. Which is why at the end of the 9 months you get the most incredible gift you could have ever dreamed up. Needless to say, after this one, I’ll be focusing quite strictly on my marriage and my husband. But for now, all I can do is tell him how much I wish I could give him what he wants and needs, and how much he means to me.

  256. tasia says:

    Men treat your women like a goddess. Women treat your men like your hero, knight in shining armor. All people need support, love, intimacy of all sorts, trust, and understanding. Suddenly having a baby join the picnic confuses things for a while for lots of hormonal, sleep deprived, time lacking, screaming pint sized reasons. If you are secure in your partner (hey you’re either a goddess or a hero, what could be better!) and everyone gives more than takes, it all works out. I don’t think anyone should be forced into intimacy, yet the responsibility lies with both partners to ensure a balanced marriage whether in communication, responsibility or sex. I sure hope the extremes- the a**holes and b*@#&es keep to themselves and the rest of us can find a middle ground.

    • tasia says:

      As a side note from my previous comment.. . to the women : unless you are pretty darn obvious what you want from your husband you can’t expect him to get it. He will walk around forever literally scratching his arse and figuratively scratching his head. You’re much better off learning to clearly communicate your needs even when it’s hard or embarrassing or emotional. so yeah you need to be a mind reader for both you and him. Then the men better damn well pay attention once you’ve made it clear! But men generally are happy with action, with a plan, with knowing where they stand- and you generally get your needs taken care of to boot!

  257. yvonne says:

    Fabulous of you to post this! For me, it wasn’t that I didn’t realize the physical side was lacking, it was well, lots of things. Exhaustion was definitely a big part! (I was working & going to school…& 40!)
    Also, since I breastfed our son for 10 months, the hormones just were not there.
    I think its wonderful of you to think of your wife & lose your “baby weight gain”- not all hubby’s do, sadly. Plus our bodies may not go back to the way they used to be & that made me feel very unsexy.
    Most of the time there was little effort put into being romantic. But every once in a while, my hubby would start getting frisky around, oh, say 4 A.M.!! I don’t recommend waking an exhausted woman when she only gets a few hours of sleep per night EVER!! Only took him a few times of getting yelled at for him to stop doing that. I know desperate times call for desperate measures.

  258. ro says:

    Guys, if you want children and sex, hang onto you balls and be prepared for divorce if your woman is like the one described (many are). It’s a rare woman who is willing to be a mother, best friend and sex partner to the same man.

    • MrRudy says:

      I believe it is this conceit of wanting a partner to be all 3 of these things and more, that is the problem. We simply aren’t wired this way. Your partner does not have to be your best friend. Look in other cultures, this is not what is done nor expected of people. You have to make a choice and stick by it no matter how socially stagnant it may seem. The best relationship balance is blatantly obvious and has bested all others in the history of mankind. Your spouse is just your spouse, nothing more. It seems wrong to think this way, it seems limited, it seems backwards BUT there is no guarantee that you will find a person who is willing or even capable of becoming this coveted dynamic marriage partner you seek. Besides, a woman who is playing the female gender role is attracted to a man playing the male gender role. Emulating the teachings of Dr.Phil (and others) is NOT playing the male gender role, period.

  259. Lisa says:

    I’m a 30 yr old SAHM of 3 kids under 5 and a very active social life with our family (son is in karate, tball, preschool, blah blah) but my libido is off the charts and I love the male body! I consider myself the epitome of normal suburbia but geez….All these comments by women astound me! Perhaps I’m wired like a man??!! I breastfed all 3 of my kids (the first for 16 months), natural births, everything and while our sex life frequency has waxed and waned over our near-decade of being together, “not wanting sex” has never crossed my mind, and much more often than not, I’m the one begging. I find it annoying that the women on here seem to not even realize what a totally amazing feeling sex with your mate IS…How can one go so long without thinking of sex??!! How can one not *feel* like having sex??! And equally more disturbing is that sex seems to be something married men feel like they have to “work” for. My heart bleeds for people in a long term committed monogamous relationship when they are CONTINUALLY denied sexual release with their chosen mate.

  260. Phil says:

    I feel bad for all of you. My wife wanted to have sex literally 2 weeks after she gave birth. She didn’t tear, which helped things. But although our sex life isn’t as insane as it used to be (once or twice daily most of the time), it is still a lot more intense than what most other married coupled have… usually 3 or 4 times a week, sometimes 5, with little month-long breaks randomly.

    Poor fellas.

  261. Ash says:

    As someone who didn’t have during the pregnancy, almost a year since the birth of our son still now. I would say the best thing for a neglected husband to do is either, get a mistress, get a divorce or put it to your wife plainly that you need attention as you can’t go on like this.
    I love my wife very much but realise my mental health is at stake. I’ve already considered suicide, lost my job and found a new one due to depression and separate rooms and no sex is making me feel worthless. What’s the point kind of thing. I’m giving the marriage until Summer with some serious talks. Life is too short for us to live like this.

  262. Jack says:

    Just give it up and go flog the log some porn 3-4 times a week. Much easier than taking the mental abuse from a woman.

  263. Linds says:

    I guess I’m the exception to the rule. I see a lot of men complaining on here about not getting nooky while the wife is prego and then really not getting it after the baby is born. If anything, I wanted sex MORE while I was pregnant. At first it was awkward because there’s now a “3rd person” in our bed but the hubby and I got over that real quick! We were worse than teenagers while I was pregnant. We were also more willing to try new things. After the baby was born, it slowed to a crawl for about the first 6 months. When the little guy started regularly sleeping through the night, we were right back at it. For us at the time, it wasn’t QUALITY so much as QUANTITY. Six years and a second child later, it’s different. Quality is top priority for us. We’re not having as much sex, but we’re having WAAAYYY better sex!

  264. pauldski says:

    Hey , I’m in a similar situation now but my newborn is 11 years old now and the boy is 13. My wife and I might have sex on average of 4 times a year; I’m not including the pathetic H/J she used to throw in in an attempt to make me happy but now I’ve decided to boycott those because they seemed forced and I could do a better job myself. I’ve given serious thought to giving myself a pass to a one night surrogate to help release my tensions. I don’t consider it cheating. Think of it as if you had a lawn that was in dire need of being mowed and your mower refused to work and your nice neighbor obliges you in letting you “borrow” her mower/trimmer/etc… Whalla….the grass is cut you’re in a good mood and the neighbor is ecstatic you returned the mower in the condition you borrowed. no harm no foul- win win

  265. Inquiring Brain says:

    Well, pauldski, you have expressed what way too many men been made to feel. It’s not always due to children, but they sure do cause women to ignore the person they swore to love and put first. Of course they always have a reason for doing it! Once women get what they want, you become less important to them.

    It’s amazing how society will jump on the person who goes out to get some attention calling him a cheater. Yet aren’t there two kinds of cheating? When a woman marries a man, vowing to love and cherish him, then she treats him like a roommate at best, isn’t that a breaking of the vows? Isn’t that cheating? Certainly there are two kinds of cheating.

    It seems to me that making that promise to always love someone, and be there no matter what, is bad for men. They have a guarantee, and we don’t. Which is frustrating since men aren’t really made for marriage in the first place!

    Good luck and keep us posted!

  266. Mary says:

    Wow, I think it just took me two whole days to get through those comments and that was after skipping like two years worth of them! Congrats to you, Charlie, for having such a thought provoking (or rage provoking) post.

    So after all the reading and some of the skimming, I just am floored by some of these comments.

    Wedding vows include, “To love and to cherish.” It’s clear Charlie cherishes his wife. Good job, Charlie. Keep cherishing her.

    I recently went to a woman’s conference about sex and here are something things I took away that might help some of you:
    1. Men are always in DRIVE when it comes to sex, women are always in NEUTRAL and have to be helped into DRIVE.

    2. Women have one pot of energy for the whole day, when it’s empty, it’s empty. Men have a pot of energy for the day and a separate pot of sex energy. Women have to intentionally save energy for sex. Also, libidos are highest at the beginning of the day. (So all the comments about helping with chores, men, if you think about it as helping her save energy in her pot for sex, it might make you more apt to help.)

    3. Women, the more sex you have, the more sex you’ll want. Start having it. You may not feel like it, but the longer you wait, the more likely you’ll be fine with continuing to wait.

    Sounds like you’re doing your best, man, props to you for caring so much about your marriage. It’s stellar that you’re not just giving up and going elsewhere! God bless you, man.

  267. Last Chance Runner says:

    Don’t ever retire. Don’t ever come home and think you can “relax” at last after 35 years of marriage and 40 years of work. The wife you knew won’t be waiting for you. You’re in good shape ( runner ). You are writing books. You get involved with projects that interest you. You’re finally living the life you want to.

    But for some reason you’ve lost status and sex goes to zero.

    You begin to realize that you can’t really go home again.

    You think about having an affair…..

  268. Inquiringbrain says:

    Yeah Runner, that’s what so many of us have experienced. But the women get what they want and that’s all they care about. ‘Men and Marriage’ by George Guilder talks about how we are short changed in marriage and it’s not an anti-female book. He sees marriage as essential for society. ‘The Female Brain’ by Dr. Luanne Brizendine (psychiatrist) explains why women are like that with no apologies.

    Basically we are screwed, and not the good kind.

  269. Ijustcant says:

    Hello all. great post so great its still going.

    Honestly I think mary’s July 29th 2013 post was the most useful as far as ringing true and issues in general.

    My situation: I’m 30 and my wife is 27. We started out as friends and grew into a relationship. The sex was normally often. Early on (I say)it gradually slowed down. After about a year we found out she had a curable cancer. After she beat it shortly afterwards we got married.

    It is 2 years post cancer, we don’t have kids and my sex life has decreased dramatically, its less than once a month. I’m 30 yrs old. I can’t describe how sexually frustrated I am. I’m in the middle of trying to a series of “jumping through hoops” to try to increase it.

    We’ve talked about it, she says I need to be more romantic etc. Mind you I’ve tried things a few times and she liked them…no sex. With that said, I do honestly believe that women stop having sex that its only about 30% the mans fault. Men want to have sex we will jump through hoops, try different approaches, communicate, cook dinner, try to be gentle, try to be rough, try anything to cure our insatiable and natural desire for sex with our partner.

    Most women don’t make a conscious effort to put as much energy into the sexual side of the relationship as the man. I have to say that to them it is far less important. That is where most women go wrong.

    I’m posting because men from all walks of life are posting about this issue. The most common posts from women are of the nature (describe in previous posts) that the man needs to do this and do that. I say women should get together and decide to meet us halfway on the issue lol

    Its not easy trying to figure a woman out. The fact we are willing to try counts for loads. (I’ll stop that part there)

    Best tip Mary said was the more often women have sex the more they want it. When me and my wife do it. she wants to do it again. The next night I might get lucky. Or she may put it off and then watch the weeks roll by. My sex drive is daily I repeat daily!..Every single day that goes by adds to a ball of frustration even if I don’t notice it.

    Please any woman who sees this..If you and your man havent had sex for more than a month please stop reading and go give him some. Just go do it. Then do it again. See if you both aren’t a lil happier and smiling. Don’t and watch a lot frustration anger and frowning.

    Sex isn’t everything but its 45% of a relationship and 45% missing is a wtf moment! Its a large part of life if not the biggest. More than most women think it is. Its cause and effect makes and breaks lives. If you don’t think its that important, then I guarantee you have relationship issues. The lack of it swells up inside the man till he’s an angry, tearful, drunk, mess. Depression and lack of motivation can set in. Many men turn to cheating. There’s a slew of other areas a lack of sex with your partner touches and destroys.

    I know there are special cases but this is a widespread problem. So I think my statements overshadow those that don’t have sex and are actually ok with that. Any thoughts ?

    • Chris says:

      I have to say that Before I had a child (WHICH BTW i was told repetedly that because of all the trama in my past and she shape of my lady bits are in hat it was almost a guarentee that I would NEVER be able to bare children.) I LOVED having sex, I still do, But the diffrence of now vs then is this, I LOVE sex But for some wierd reason I dont want it as Offten as I used to which is VERY annoying for Both hubby (Who is 10 years to teh DAY older than I am) and Myself. Neither of us really want it all the time BUT we do take care of each other if one is in the mood and the other isnt. I want to keep him comming home to me. I LOVE pleasing him and He loves pleasing me. There is alot of communication trht HAS to happpen….Sometimes want slow and gental and sometimes I just to “F*ck” sometimes he is the same way. He and I are MADE for eachother. Also I have ALOT of health issues, Im just barely 30 and I have had 4 heart surgeries and I think I might be due another. he is super supportive and he helps around the house and tales over for me when I just HAVE to go to bed after making dinner and feeding the kids. we have 3 kids his 2 son’s which are teenagers and My younger daughter who is 6. thinks are crazy but i love it. FOr me the woman i have to say that when he helps me get into the mood I usually want sex the next night. Now that we are married our sex life I think Is still pretty awesome. we dont usually go more than a week without somekind of sexual happenings in the bedroom. I like it that way. He doesn’t get mad because Im not in the mood it just means that if HE is in the mood I will please hijm however he likes and I do it happily. The same is true of him. He LOVES to play, he is VERY gental and he knows what he is doing. I LOVE IT. I know Im lucky. For example, I have a friend who got married about 9 months before we did. their sex life is GONE! My friend just all of a sudden didnt want sex anymore. for NO appearantl reason and she is NOT about pleasing him even if SHE isnt in the mood. This makes him VERY sad. She hates he watches port and takes care of himself, she hates all of his advances trying to get into her pants. But then gets butt hurt if he doesnt try. I dont understand any of it. We have been together about 5 years and we don’t reallly fight. we talk openly about any and everything u can immagine. Without judging the other. WHY dont ALL coupples do this?? WHY do they STOP talking after the I DO’S are said?? ALL of our friends are jealous of us. Because we have sex, we are still very much in teh honey moon phase, we never left it. They ask us how we do it and I explaine about making sure your partner is taken care of EVEN if your not in the mood, Talk CONSTANTLY and couddle, ALOT, anytime u can spoil your partner….KEEP trying to impress them…DO NOT take complancey for granted. WORK HARD on your relationships.

  270. 30 is way too young to not being having sex. At least I had a very very active sex life between ages 22-34. Maybe way too active and way too many women. I married at age 35 and my wife and I continued to be active. But between career and raising a great son, things slipped. Now it’s 30 years later. You’d think you’d be happy with little or no sex. Well it doesn’t work that way. You still want it,

    Hoops don’t work. I tried that. You have to be sensitive but also be yourself. You need to be alpha versus beta. If you lose out then so be it,
    You don’t get second and third chances. Life is one chance.

    By the way, you can divorce and marry someone else. The path will be the same as soon you are okay with little or no sex.

    I wouldn’t marry again.

  271. MrCead says:

    Marriage is not for sex. You have to turn women on. That gets harder the more familiar you are to her. Sex is like 90% mental for women and if you cannot keep her interest for long, you will starve sexually. The good news is that you can learn to keep it hot and interesting. The bad news is that once you learn how, you will become the bored partner instead and you’ll probably cheat. It is hard to find a balanced partner. My advice is to end it if sex is that important to you guys out there because no woman is gonna step up to the plate for any beta sexual needs, period.

  272. Stefchu1977 says:

    It sad to realize that there seems to be many men who are being “shut out”. It is so frustrating. My wife and I have a good relationship otherwise, but when it comes to to the bedroom, it is ice cold. It’s been nearly four months now and this cycle has gone on for years. In fact if we’ve been intimate 10 times total in the last 3-4 years that would be a lot. we have talked about it several times and its always the same old story, “it’s always about me”, what I have to do to “to break down her Wall”. More this, more that., more romance, more dinners,
    more, more, more…Last year for our twenty-fifth, I surprised her with a trip to the Caribbean, nothing the entire week. Every time I tried, she was always too tired and worn out.
    Throughout our marriage I have put her on a pedestal,
    Giving her all my love and Treating her like royalty.
    God I thought she was the end all. Anyways, our sexual downturn probably began better that 10 years ago, slowly
    declining to the point we are now, where it’s at her discretion and at her pace, “get this over quick so I can go to sleep”…My god it makes me feel like a cheap whore.
    Oh I’ve tried it all, and today I have decided…I am done…I am still young enough to enjoy life and am not going to spend the years ahead of me being miserable. After all this life thing is a one time deal…
    If she doesn’t love me anymore, fine, but the head games..
    God they are so cruel…The teasing, the excuses. She’s always too tired for me but not for facebook(staying up until the wee hours). I still love her, but I cannot do this anymore.

    • Trea says:

      Have you tried counseling? Even going to seporate appointments just talking with the same one can help ALOT. For my husband and me it was that we were not speaking the same love language. I know you have been together FAR longer than my husband and I; but we all get complacents and used to things being the same. For me it was his wording I needed him to talk to me in a positive way not negative. He didn’t even realize how his words sounded. It is VERY HARD to change what you have always done but maybe trying a different method will help.
      Ask her what her dream sexual experience is. (try not to list that you’ve tried that!)
      Ask her to elaborate on it with more detail, really listen. (Then try to put it together a few days later.)
      We get tired of the same thing and learn to except it. But we are also scared of change… So don’t give up if we seem scared or threatened by change. It’s our instinct to be skeptical… Most importantly learn her love language and try to stay positive. If nothing works it is her choice not your fault. I am in aww of how patient you have been. You are a real man for being so strong and kind to your wife.

  273. Trea says:

    For those having troubles with sex after having your child or trying to have one. PLEASE Read the book “the five love languages” by Gary Chapman. Take the tests and ask your spouse the questions if they won’t read it. TRY TO STAY POSITIVE! I know it’s not easy. But if you learn what it is that REALLY means acts of love and caring to them you can save your marriage. Alot of times we change and experience things that make us question everything in out life. This happens with almost ALL OF US who have kids. We are not the same as we were before them for it changes out perspective on life and what really matters. So read the stories and take the test learn what means LOVE TO YOU and YOUR SPOUSE! Try and read it together as a way of bonding. Once you learn to speak their language and the learn yours you’ll both be much happier. You can even apply the methods to your children and learn what means love and respect to them. Try to keep all 5 a constant in some form and you should always feel loved. Most importantly TALK PATIENTLY with your spouse! and LISTEN take notes if you feel you have to or it calms you down. but LISTEN and EXPRESS YOUR FEELINGS PATIENTLY

  274. John says:

    Trea, we once understood each other’s love language. But then she became ‘Mommy’. We were immediately moved down the totem pole and the priority was her mommy role. The only purpose we served was to protect and provide for the child. Don’t get me wrong, I love my kids and loved my wife. But I was no longer the love of her life.

    In “The Female Brain” by Dr. Brizendine (psychiatrist) she explains thing quite clearly. It’s brain function which we (men)don’t understand. We think once the kids are grown and out of the house we will be a priority again. Wrong!

    So, men, NEVER get married expecting a good sex life. Yes, it CAN happen. But then I haven’t won the lottery yet, either. Look at how many men are rather miserable in their marriage. We give up a lot when we get married, expecting to be with someone that will love us primarily. We are made to feel like that will happen by the actions of the female prior to and shortly after the marriage. However once she eats wedding cake, things change. Once she becomes ‘mommy’, we are doomed.

    I’m in my second marriage (first wife died) and married a single mommy. Even bigger mistake. She married me so her child would have a daddy. I’m even lower on the totem pole.

    Yes, The Five Love Languages is a great book and helps. But it is not a cure. It’s only a cure if a man wants to give up all his needs and desires and try to achieve some level of happiness as a eunuch.

    There are many steps to be taken to make things better. However chances are it will never be what men consider good. Yes, there are exceptions, but those women are rare. I know very few of them.

    Do what you can to make things better if you’re married. If you’re not married, read this and other blogs before you commit to it. For those of you who think ‘well, she won’t be like that’, just remember what you’ve read and how you wouldn’t listen.

  275. There is a whole long series of posts on this subject on Let’sRun.com about post marital shut off. This problem is so pervasive that it’s growing faster than the war on terror ( which seems endless ).

    You have wonder why men would want to get married anyway. Women are endless in figuring out creative ways of cutting men off from sex after marriage. Men aren’t blameless but I notice that there aren’t that many blogs or forums by women on post marital shutdown.

    A rising divorce rate and eventually the unwillingness of men to marry would set this situation right in one generation.

  276. Emiliano Babarah says:

    I was crushed when my lover of three years left to be with another woman. I cried and sobbed every day, until it got so bad that I reached out to the Internet for help.And i saw a testimony of a spell caster who help a girl called michelle and i said let me give it a try so i contact him for help and he cast a love spell for me which i use in getting my love back and now i am a happy woman.For what you have done for me,i will not stop to share your goodness to people out there for the good work you are doing.

  277. Mama says:

    Naked jumping jacks? Really? My husband always thinks that just showing me his junk turns me on, when this couldn’t be further from the truth. Touch me, hold me, kiss me, don’t expect me to do it to you when I have been touched out by this baby all day. It’s not that your wife doesn’t want to have sex with you, perhaps it’s just that she doesn’t remember how to feel sexy and you need to remind her. Let her shower, and OMG clean the house! Mamas love a man who shows his love by cleaning.

    • Anonymous Female says:

      Seriously, try cleaning the house! It’s called “choreplay!” Your wife will be so relieved to have that taken care of, that she’ll feel lighter and have the energy for sex. It’s hard to prioritize sex when all you can think about is the urgent things on your to-do list. Take care of some of that to-do list for her :) Don’t just do the regular chores– go above and beyond and deep-clean the kitchen (think oven, refrigerator) or something like that. Trust me, her excitement over having those things cleaned will spill over into the bedroom!

  278. TwinMama says:

    Here’s the deal.
    While we like to say that romance will do it, the reality is that nothing will really do it until the children stop “wanting” all of mommy. Think about it. When a baby is born (sometimes before) all of a sudden Mommy’s body stops belonging to her. It’s a food source, bouncy seat, nap lap, baby carrier; a woman can no longer decide when to set her alarm to wake up. Her alarm (aka baby) decides when she gets to wake up and for how long. She can’t sit down whenever she wants, she can’t eat or even pee when her body tells her it needs to. No matter how “sexy” she is made to feel, what she really wants is to have her body to herself, which is, unfortunately, the opposite of having sex. Fortunately, as babies get more independent, a woman’s body gains it’s own independence. Now the key is to encourage a woman to do things for herself. Things that make her feel good. Like bubble baths (if baby cries, make sure she doesn’t feel the need to get out), hobbies, shopping (NOT for baby), or reading 50 Shades of Grey (this might get you where you want to be quicker). THEN find a way to make intimacy her idea. Be subtle so she doesn’t feel that she’s “putting out”. I know this sounds like a long road and alot of work, but when things get rolling and regular sex comes back into your bedroom, it’ll be worth it. PS: Guilt doesn’t work. Mommy guilt is already an issue for most of us; we don’t need wifely guilt too. PPS: Keep baby out of your bed! Snuggle time can happen anywhere else in the house. Your bed is for you, and when you do both want to get it on, you’ll definitely want a kid-free bed to jump into!

  279. Boneyard says:

    It had been about a month since a post … but I guess it doesn’t hurt. (Wow, i sound like a downer after reading through this) After all, my naked ass is just laying here awake next to the love of my life, who is snoring up a storm.
    I have probably spent the last hour or so reading this forum, and it seems like i am in the same rut. My path is right where Charlie started this thing. My wife is halfway through our second pregnancy and I am doing a good job of getting back in shape, with the intention of getting some attention, or even noticed. I don’t particularly care what I look like, but it won’t hurt my chances right? (Hate to say it, but I live by that thought, than I would like to admit)
    We waited until we were married for sex, so I wouldn’t have known that she probably just isn’t a sexual person. She won’t talk or even joke about it anymore. She probably refrains from anything more than a hug so that my hope doesn’t flicker. Just like others have said, I am just at a loss here. Not sure what i hope to accomplish with this either. Anything outside of our marriage is not optional to me, even to the point of swearing off porn and getting myself off. It was a decision I made when we got together that she may or may not be aware of. I still Trust that my thinking back then is more clear than now. But spending an extra minute of small talk with the girl at the register at home depot for some female interaction is getting old.
    My wife and I are good friends and spend time together and with our daughter whenever I am not at work (I recently got a new job that helps me be home more). We do fun things that we enjoy and lame stuff that we need to get done like shopping and errands together. Still no intimacy … what are we missing here?
    If nothing else, thanks for the vent.

  280. Candice says:

    the problem is you men don’t seem as interested in us women anymore once we pop out a baby or 2. it’s like you think you know everything about us and no longer find us that interesting. remember back when you first met and you stared into eachothers eyes and couldn’t wait to find out what your girl had to say next, and now you barely look at her and when you do, the look is not the same anymore. the look used to be of interest or curiosity, fascination. it’s not passionate anymore. it’s just like you’re looking at any other woman you’ve known for a long time. like your mom or your grandma or an aunt. your woman doesn’t want you to look at her like that –ever! but you do. and it turns her OFF! you’ve lost the look and that’s why you’re not getting laid. women want to feel mysterious and want to feel like you’re truly interested in her. not just interested in having sex with her but like there’s more to her than anyone knows. she doesn’t want to be some familiar woman in your life she wants to be that chick you check out. that girl you want to hit on at the bar. I don’t know how you can get the look or interest back but that’s what’s gone.

    • Gigi says:

      I understand what you’re saying Candice. And I think there’s some truth to it. They do look at us differently after we become “Mommy”. It’s up to us to make ourselves feel sexy though. It’s that confidence and self-assured attitude that drew them to us in the first place. Every female has a “thing” that makes her feel pretty. For me it’s matching bra & panties & perfume. That said…. I heard a radio commentator mention that couples need to go back to dating each other, especially after children. It’s not so much that we want our husbands to woo us and buy flowers, etc… but pre-marriage, we dated. We got all jittery and nerveous thinking about that date. We looked forward to that event & it put a smile on our faces – BOTH of us. We put TIME and EFFORT into scheduling our togetherness. After marriage… that anticipation is lost. That time is taken for granted. Women cry & complain that they’re tired and feel “fat” and men bitch they’re not getting laid. In comes resentment. But come one now.. Sex is good for EVERYBODY!! And pre-marriage, pre-babies.. bloated and pms’g… you still looked forward to that friday night date. You still got the jitters getting ready and you put EFFORT into what you wore and what you said, etc… We can’t blame the men entirely when we women have ourselves lost sight of our own beauty and sex appeal.

    • Mrcead says:

      When women have babies, their focus is on the baby. The children become a top priority and the men fall to a distant third or fourth or even less. Yes it is biology but a woman who is unavailable emotionally will be far less appealing over time to anybody. Such a disinterested person would never be hit on in a bar, club, grocery store or any other place. If your man sees you like his mum or aunt or grandma it is because you ignore his needs pretty much like they’ve done since they have had children too and behaved the same way. The issue is not the fault of one person.

    • JED says:

      The problem isn’t that you have popped out a baby or two. The problem is that you put the baby or two in front of us and we no longer matter. We were number one, and are now number two or worse. We try, but you ignore or reject us. You always have what you consider legitimate excuses, but we are abandoned because being MOMMY is not your priority. I’ve talked to a lot of men and women about this. I have done a lot of research.

      If you don’t believe me, read The Female Brain by Dr. Luanne Brizendine (Psychiatrist). She’s a feminist but very honest in her explanations. Plus you can find similar information from other authors. It’s not just her opinion.

      Women, when you become MOMMY, demote your husband, and can’t figure out why he’s lost interest after years of trying, you need to look at your behavior.

      Yes, men carry some blame in most cases. But if the wife still acted like the wife she indicated she was going to be while dating, there likely wouldn’t be a problem.

      Just because you lose interest in sex does NOT mean he should, too. Don’t be surprised when he spends more time noticing other women who take care of themselves and look good. He would prefer you, but you left.

  281. Jenny Lynn says:

    Ok, I’m about to help you out here, so please pay close attention. First off, the rude remarks about his post. There is nothing wrong with a man asking for help because this gentleman is lost. I believe where you are going wrong is in several areas. It is you and it is her. Time changes people, when a baby comes into a marriage a woman’s body sends out different hormones to the brain that gives her a nurturing mothering feeling, those same hormones do not always contribute to an exciting sex life. Your shaking and naked dancing in the bedroom is just not going to cut it. It’s not your appearance most likely either, she probably will respond more to your loving nature towards your son far more then she ever will to you working out day and night. She’s mothering now, she’s no longer concerned with just you and her, it’s you and her and him. Also, if you want her attention, you are seriously going to have to step up your game. Start in the morning if you are looking for loving in the afternoon. By this I mean by the time a woman makes it to bed time with an infant she has been peed on pooped on possibly puked on, crying, tantrums, meals, house keeping, etc. Make her day as enjoyable as possible and if your not too exhausted then try but be s